First chapter of third book

Carol’s Story:
Overcoming Loss And Loving Again
By: Julie A. Bowles

Chapter 1

Carol stood staring out the window. Her long, blonde hair was put up in a ponytail. There were gray hairs mixed in it now that weren’t too noticeable yet but would become apparent in the future. She was only fifty-eight and there would hopefully be lots of years ahead of her. Her hairstyle had barely changed since her teen years. There had been haircuts but she liked to keep it long, just the way Michael liked it. She had also maintained her figure, the stretch marks were an embarrassment, yet she was proud of them as well. They came from the two successful pregnancies that produced her precious daughters, Joan and Martha. Carol was careful to remain trim and fit and it had been easy to stay that way. She loved being a wife and mother, she especially loved being Michael’s wife, but all of that was changing as of today. There was a distant look in her normally bright blue eyes today as she looked out the window lost in thought. Now they were red from crying most of the night.

Her life was changing now, as of today, nothing would ever be the same again. It was a bright sunny day and sunlight was beaming into the window but she didn’t notice the sunshine this morning. There was only one thing on her mind and the look of sorrow was evident on her face. Carol felt so alone right now.

Carol’s whole world had been turned upside down overnight and there was nothing she could do about it. A piece of her was gone forever. They had expected Michael to die but nothing had prepared her for his death and what she would feel afterwards. I can’t believe that he actually left us. It had shattered her heart into a million pieces when he breathed that last breath of life. With the tears rolling down her cheeks, she remembered. She would never forget that fateful moment and wished that she could take it all back now.

They had been holding a vigil by his bedside for hours when he finally let go of life. The doctor had not expected him to live through the night. His condition had been deteriorating quickly. By this time, Michael didn’t even resemble the man that she had married. The difference in his appearance was terrifying and she was not able to handle it herself some days. Her husband had disappeared and an old man had taken his place. He was skin and bones due to his loss of appetite. He would go days with little food intake. She had forced him to eat the little bit of food he did manage to get down. It had been hard to watch her husband slowly disappear at first, and then when the cancer had advanced; he had very quickly faded away. His face was sunken in and very pale by the time the cancer had done it’s worst and took him from her.


There were wrinkles in the place of his once firm facial features. The handsome man that she always loved disappeared completely. Her husband looked much older than his sixty-five years. Michael’s appearance was not the only thing that changed though. Even his personality had changed because of the cancer. He had slowly lost his sense of humor over the last six months. His eyes had lost their sparkle during the last few weeks of his life. The vibrant, easy go lucky, funny man who had always brightened her days was replaced by a man who rarely smiled or even laughed anymore. Gone were the jokes and sense of humor. Michael had not really responded to much of anything in those last few weeks. There were moments that she would get a glimpse of the man she married but they were few and far between.

She could still close her eyes and see him lying in that bed, barely able to move without feeling some kind of pain and completely unaware of everything around him. Would that image ever go away? Carol had been with him for such a long time and it hurt to see him this way.

He was seven years older but the age difference between them had never been an issue and it really did not bother her in the least. All that had mattered was they loved each other. The man lying in that bed was not the same person anymore.

She thought back to the night he died and it brought tears to her eyes. He had barely spoken in days. His last really good day had been a month earlier on their grandson’s birthday. Michael had been really happy that day but his health had started declining faster after that. He would go days without even talking. The pain medication kept him pretty zonked out most of the time. Carol had felt helpless when it came to his pain and suffering. The fact that she couldn’t do anything to stop it had been very hard to take at times. She watched him slip further and further away as time went by so agonizingly slow. That night he had been especially bad and a part of her knew that his time was getting very short but she wanted to keep him here as long as possible.

Carol had found it hard to believe that God was really going to take away the man she loved for so long. A part of her realized that she already lost most of him but she remembered wondering if a miracle was still possible even though her mind told her that it was not, her heart was still holding out for one. She could not lose the man that she depended on for so long. Carol didn’t want to think about a future without him around but it was now a reality.

The room had been silent just before his death. His breathing had slowed down drastically in the last hour. Everyone had known that it was time to say goodbye. Carol wondered if she was ready to face his death. She was about to face the biggest challenge of her life. Carol remembered Michael opening up his eyes one last time and they were amazed when he started speaking for the first time in so long. He looked around at everyone and whispered, “I love you all very much.” Then turning to her, Michael had grasped her hand with more strength than he had for months. Carol could see that he did not want to leave them but the time had finally come. The sad look in his eyes as he looked up at her confirmed it.

She would never forget his last words to her. He willed up the strength to speak again and whispered, “Never forget how much I love you, my love. This is the hardest thing for me. I don’t want to say goodbye but it has to be done.

God is calling me home to be with him. His angels are standing at the foot of the bed now.” Michael went on to say, ”Take care of our family and don’t let the grandkids forget about me. They need to know that I loved them with all of my heart.” Then turning to look at everyone he’d whispered his final words, “I’ll be in heaven watching over you all.” They had watched him close his eyes for the last time. Sounds of weeping had filled the room after that and she felt her heart break in two.

*****

A day later she was still dealing with the affects of his death. She had no idea how she would begin to heal. Their life together had been so wonderful. It had not always been easy but what marriage was perfect. The cancer had taken over most of his body in the last year or so. There was nothing the doctors could do for him. They had tried everything, including chemotherapy but even that hadn’t helped any.

She definitely missed having Dr. Williams around but he had since retired. They were forced to learn to trust another doctor. Carol knew that he was very happy in Florida. He still sent letters and was planning on coming to the funeral. Dr. Johnson had taken over his practice and he came highly recommended.

Carol did not know if it were possible for her family to ever be stable again. There had been so many ups and downs over the years. She was once again dealing with the death of a loved one. It had all started with the death of Joan, their oldest daughter, when cancer had taken her life ten years earlier. It is never easy to lose a child and she had a lot of experience with it. She still missed her little girl every day.



She kept a picture of her in the living room to keep her memory alive. Joan’s light brown hair and bright blue eyes, along with her bubbly personality made her popular in school. She had been vibrant and sophisticated with a vast knowledge of the latest fashions. Her slim figure was appealing to the boys and she had lots of boyfriends over the years.

Martha, their youngest child, was a totally different story all together. She was the tomboy of the family and could care less about the latest fashions. Martha’s blond hair was usually up in a ponytail and she rarely tried to wear it any other way. There was always a sparkle in her blue eyes and she had a calm personality that helped her handle any situation. Her plump waistline and shy nature made her the brunt of many jokes and school was rarely a pleasant experience. Martha had slimmed down over the years and turned out to be a beautiful young lady that her mother always saw her to be.

She had suffered many miscarriages after her marriage to John. Carol had seen her go through so many trials. It had been hard seeing her baby in pain but things did not ended there. She had suffered even more recently. Martha’s life had been shattered just six years earlier when a drunk driver had killed John. As if that were not enough she also lost one of their unborn twin sons. It had been her first successful pregnancy. Ethan, her grandson, had barely survived but now he was a normal healthy six-year-old and a miracle child. Martha’s faith in God had helped her through. She had a wonderful new life now. It had not been easy to move on but Martha had somehow accomplished it. She has been married to Michael, the detective who had been in charge of her case, for over five years now and they are very happy together.

His arrival in Martha’s life had been a turning point for her daughter. They had so much in common. Michael Smith was a widower with a young child to raise when they met six years earlier. He was tall with vivid green eyes and golden blonde hair. His outgoing personality made him even more appealing. They enjoyed having him as a son-in-law. Martha was helping him raise his daughter Elizabeth and they had adopted three additional children over the years. The accident had left her barren and adoption was their only option. She enjoyed being a grandmother to them all. It did not matter that most of them were not flesh and blood. They would always be considered her grandchildren. Carol was glad that her daughter had been able to overcome the obstacles and find love again.





She did not know if it would be possible for her though. Carol had been with Michael since her teenage years and she had just celebrated her fifty-eighth birthday. She didn’t know how to live her life without him in it. He had been such a big part of it for over forty years. It would be hard to move on after being with someone so long.

There had been no one else for her after their meeting shortly after her eighteenth birthday. She smiled at the thought of that life changing night. The party was already in full swing when she got there. Her new flowered dress showed off Carol’s trim figure. Carol rarely came to parties but her friends had convinced her to come just this one time.

Her attention was drawn to the other side of the room by a group of people laughing. In the middle of them was a man with long blonde hair and he seemed to be the center of attention. His back was turned at first but as if sensing someone looking at him he turned around. She found herself staring into sparkling blue eyes that seemed to draw her in almost immediately. Carol had to fight to catch her breath and before she could recover he left the group and started walking across the room. Her hands had started shaking when he stopped in front of her and introduced himself. The sound of his deep voice made her shiver and she would never forget the smell of his cologne, which drew her in farther. Somehow she had the courage to tell him her name and that had been the beginning of a whole new life. They danced together the rest of the night. He had completely ruined her for anyone else by the time the party was over. Carol knew he was the man she’d marry and she was right. They had been married within two years and the decision to buy a farm had been made several months after their marriage.

Carol smiled at the thought of their farm. It had been so small in the beginning but over the years they had added on to it. She could still close her eyes and smell the country air so strong and pure. And in the wintertime the snow falling had been a wonderful sight. The land itself had been so beautiful and she could still see it in her mind stretching as far as the eye could see in her mind, green and full of life. There had been rolling hills and a wonderful field full of wild flowers just beyond the horizon. The scent of them still lingered in her memory. A winding, narrow creek had gone through the property with an old rope hanging in a tree over the water just a few yards from the back yard. There had been many days of swimming over the years. The back yard was a wonderful spot. It had been big and spacious with plenty of room for their growing family. They built a roofed porch shortly after moving into the house. It had been a lovely spot to sit and relax. Carol had especially enjoyed sitting out there on the swing Michael had built just for her. There had been some beautiful sunsets over the years. They would often sit and watch for the deer at dusk. It was a truly peaceful place to be. The deer would walk into the yard for the apples growing there just about every evening.

Michael loved farming and he had such pride in their farm. He would work long hours most days and Carol had worked the farm with him from the beginning. All of the hard work had started paying off within a few years time. She enjoyed being a farmer’s wife as well. Money had been tight at first but over time their finances had improved. They fought to make ends meet for the first few years. An inheritance from her parents had helped them out financially just when they needed it. It had come with a heavy price though. They were killed in an accident just a year after her marriage to Michael and the grief had been hard to bear. She mourned their loss heavily. It had been like a big part of her life just disappeared. Carol still remembered the morning they got the news.

Her whole life had changed on that fateful day. Time and the healing power of the good Lord healed her broken heart but she still missed them everyday that passed by. Carol had loved living on the farm. Their children had grown up there. They had definitely wanted a big family but it just was not meant to be. There had been difficulties over the years and they had only two successful pregnancies. Joan had been born shortly after their second wedding anniversary and she had been a welcome addition. A miscarriage when she was two had devastated them. It had taken a long time to get over it and start trying again after that first miscarriage. They had been overjoyed when Martha was born three years after the miscarriage. An unexpected pregnancy two years later had ended in another miscarriage and it was quickly decided that she would get a hysterectomy to prevent any other pregnancies. They simply could not handle losing another child. The miscarriages were too painful for them. Carol was happy with the two children that they were able to have. It hurt to know that her parents would not get to see their grandchildren.

She enjoyed their childhood and watching them grow up. The appearance of their yard changed when the girls were born. Michael added a tire swing when they were old enough to play and pretty soon the yard had been filled with giggles where the silence had once been present. They had spent a lot of their early childhood playing there. Carol remembered the nights they would sit out on the porch and count the stars. It had been one of their favorite games to play. There were nights that shooting stars would fill the sky.

She treasured so many memories of those wonderful years. It made the miscarriages fade into the distance to see her little girls growing up happy and content. Time had changed their family over the years and they were unprepared for some of them.

It had been sad when they had decided to give up the farm shortly after Martha’s high school graduation. There had been no other choice though. It had become difficult to farm in those days and money had once again been tight. They could not afford to run the farm alone and there wasn’t money to hire help. Farming was going out of style and everyone around them was selling as well. Carol hated to give it up but it was time to move on. Their old life had simply disappeared. The change had been rough for after a while but they had adjusted to their new way of life and the final years of their marriage had been wonderful. Carol still missed the farm but things had gotten a lot easier for them after it was sold. Their new house had been much easier to manage. Carol could still close her eyes and see it spanning before them. She could see the big and spacious kitchen where she made so many meals over the years. Michael had taken such pride in making it a haven for her. She remembered looking out the window every morning and the feel of the sunshine basking her upturned face. There had always been something in the oven. Carol smiled at the fun she had with the girls there. They spent many a Saturday morning making cookies together. It had been a wonderful place to teach them to cook. Her thoughts turned to the rest of the house. There had been a coatroom just off of the kitchen and a hallway out of that door had led to their spacious living room. She enjoyed decorating it when they first moved in all those years ago. It had taken on a completely new look after the girls were born. Toys and games were there in place of the pretty little knickknacks. Carol had learned very early on that they did not go well with babies. It had taken Joan breaking one of her family heirlooms when she first started to pull up on furniture to teach her that valuable lesson. Carol smiled at the thought of her oldest child. They had really enjoyed fixing up a nursery for her.

Times had been very different back then. It had also been a much simpler time. There was so much more technology these days. Carol sometimes missed the good old days. Her grandchildren were playing with toys their mom had never had as a child.

She was so proud of her children. Joan had been able to accomplish so much before her death but there was so much more she wanted to do. Martha was living out her dream of being a writer. She had recently written down her memoirs. It had been wonderful to relive those glorious memories of the farm. Her daughter had been a professional and published author for several years now. Martha had come a long way in five years time. Her life was so very full of worthwhile things. She was so happy that her little girl had been able to move on after her first husband’s death and wondered if she would ever be able to do the same. Carol sometimes wanted to go back to those days on the farm when everything was so normal and forget about the present.
Carol’s faith in God had always been strong but a part of her was mad at him right now. She couldn’t understand why He had taken her husband away. Michael had been such a wonderful man. Carol knew that it was His will that she lose him but why now.

She wondered if she would ever feel normal again. Carol still could not believe that the man she loved for so long was really gone. He would not walk through the door after a golf game ever again.

Carol smiled at the thought of Michael’s love for golf. There were days after his retirement that he would spend the whole day at the golf course. She would go with him sometimes and he would give her lessons. Carol had never really taken to the game but she did enjoy the time spent with him on that golf course. There was always a sparkle in his eyes when he won a match. It had been a year since he’d been healthy enough to do it and she knew that he missed the game. The cancer had taken over their lives within months of his diagnosis. They lived and breathed it for a very long time. It had been the same with Joan when she was first diagnosed. There had been so much hope in the beginning but it had slowly disappeared as time passed by and his health deteriorated right before her eyes. She knew that it would kill him when he could not handle the pain without medication.

A part of her was glad that he was at peace now but she was also angry with him for going away and leaving her all alone. She should not have to go through this torment. Carol knew that she still had Martha and her family but it was not the same. She wanted their life together back again. What was she going to do now that he was gone forever? They were having his wake tomorrow and the funeral was the next day. Carol would find it hard to say a final goodbye to him. What if she couldn’t handle it? How could she say goodbye to the man that she loved for so long? There were so many questions that she did not have an answer for. Carol felt like she was drowning in her emotions right now. Her life would never be the same again and it just didn’t seem to be fair. Why had God allowed it to happen? She knew that it was not right to ask that question but it seemed to be on the tip of her tongue more often now that he was gone. It was still hard to believe that her husband would leave her all alone.

*****

There had been a brief time away from the cancer. He actually responded to the medicine and improved. Michael had even been in remission for over six months. They thought that he would actually survive at that point. He had improved drastically in that time period. Their lives were normal again and the cancer wasn’t in control. It had been a time for rejoicing for a while but their joy did not last very long. Everything had changed when he went out of remission and the doctor discovered that the cancer had spread just a year after his initial diagnosis. Carol and Michael had insisted that they try chemotherapy again even though it might not help. The treatments always left him tired and worn out and she would have to take care of him for days afterward. Those months had been a challenge for everyone.

Even the chemotherapy had been ineffective this time. His death had become inevitable after that. Michael had fought his disease till the end but his body had eventually succumbed to the cancer, there was just not any fight left.

All that remained were his last words to her, which are forever burned in her memory. The support of her friends and family would hopefully help her through the grief process. Carol knew that she would be leaning on Martha for a while. Martha had already been so supportive and that was one of her only comforts. She was dealing with his death so much better but the grief was clearly evident on her face. Martha had adored her father and his loss would change her life forever.

There was some comfort in knowing that there was someone to talk to when she got depressed. Her daughter had been through it all when John died and she knew exactly how Carol was feeling. Carol wished that she could be as brave as her daughter had been. His death had left her cold and empty and Carol did not know if she’d ever fully recover from it.

Carol jumped when the phone rang and it brought her thoughts back to the present. Who could be calling? Maybe it was someone checking on her. She smiled when Martha’s voice come over the line.

She was so proud of everything she had been able to accomplish. Her daughter was definitely a survivor. They talked for a while and she decided to lie down afterwards. She really did not know if she could sleep. Carol had laid awake all night the previous day. It was hard to even think of going back to the bed that they had shared. There were so many bittersweet memories in their bedroom. All of his things were still in there.

Carol decided to camp out in one of the spare rooms. There were several to pick from now. They had decided to add on to the house when more grandchildren were added to the family through adoption. All of their grandchildren had a place to stay now. Ethan and Cameron shared one of the rooms. Michael Jr. and his sister Annabell shared another one. Michael had thought of everything when it came to his grandchildren. There were even two more bedrooms added for later if they decided to adopt again. Annabelle’s adoption had just become final but she knew that her daughter still wanted a bigger family. Carol looked forward to having more grandchildren but it made her sad that Michael would never know them. Just thinking about him brought back all of the grief.

Carol settled down on the bed and tried to clear her head. She couldn’t think clearly at all today. Everything around her reminded Carol of the husband she had just lost. She laid back and once again felt the tears running down her cheeks. Eventually, she fell asleep.