The Trouble With Bricks 7

Chapter Seven – The Mysterious and Crusty Hermit


         The sock monkeys and the blue toupees had a long-standing feud for as far back as any could remember. It had started because either a sock monkey had sneezed and used a blue toupee as a handkerchief or a blue toupee had borrowed five bucks from a sock monkey and never paid it back. No one precisely remembered which one.
         The blue toupees erupted from the forest like a vast sea of blue-haired old ladies, minus the old ladies, of course. As each blue toupee hit a sock monkey, it attempted to lodge itself in the throat or some other orifice of a sock monkey. For the most part, the sock monkeys weren’t fighting back very effectively, except for Reggie, who was smacking left and right with his baseball bat.
         Melvin, after a false start, took advantage of the situation and tried to sneak away. But he was stopped by the pleas and threats of his friends. Quickly, he removed the sharp stick form the head of the sock monkey with glasses and proceeded to cut his friends down from the tree. They all landed with heavy thumps and immediately cursed Melvin.
         After they had finished rubbing their heads and complaining, they all took off at a quick dash through the woods. And, after a few minutes of running, they were hopelessly lost.
         “Oh man,” whispered Frank, out of breath, “I have no clue where we are.”
         “Well, look at your dumb book,” said Suzie, taking this opportunity to get some much needed air into her lungs.
         “Yeah,” agreed Melvin, “I thought you had a map or something.”
         Frank removed the rock/map from his pocket of manifold meanderings. “Yeah, I’ve got a map, but it doesn’t do us any good when the Forest of Blue Toupees is just a bunch of poorly drawn trees. And the Guidebook’s even less help. It just lists restaurants and bathrooms.”
         The Colon , who had been holding it for some time, questioned, “So where’s the nearest bathroom?”
         “Who cares?” Suzie said. “We’re in a forest. Pick a tree.”
         Frank’s Colon quickly took off to relieve itself behind the nearest tree, while the rest of the group took a quick assessment.
         “So,” started Suzie, “Are we heading back the way we came or what?”
         Frank put on his best thinking cap, folded his arms and the rest prepared themselves for what they knew was going to be a long, boring speech.
         “Well, you see, before I was a leprechaun hunter, I spent three long, grueling years as a Ranger First Class in the Forest of Myopic Mohair . During that time, I was taught by the best: namely, The Ominous and Far-Reaching Ranger Quint.”
         “You were a student of Ranger Quint?” Melvin asked.
         “Who’s that?” Added Suzie.
         “Only the surliest Ranger this side of the Vale of Goobers. Why, they say that he was once trapped in a cave by five angry woodchucks, and he chewed his own leg off for food.”
         “Is that a good thing,” asked Suzie.
         “So,” put in Frank, “back to me. Anyway, looking at the markings on these trees, I would say that we’re headed North, which is just East of the way we want to head. So, if we head, this way,” Frank pointed in a haphazard direction, “we should be right on track.”
         Just then, Frank’s Colon wandered back from regions unknown. “I think I stepped in some poison ivy.”
         “Well, we best be off, guv’nor,” advised Flippy. “We don’t want to be caught out here when it gets dark, no we don’t.”
         “Why?” Suzie asked.
         The party exchanged knowing glances, except for Suzie, who was the ignorant one.
         “No reason, guv’nor.”
         *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *
         They had been walking for hours and the forest didn’t look any different. Melvin was beginning to grumble.
         “I don’t think you learned anything from Ranger Quint, except the surly part.”
         Frank, who had been growing angrier by the minute, turned and exploded all over Melvin, like a shaken can of soda.
         “Look, I don’t see you offering any solutions. And I’m getting a little tired of your constant complaining. That’s all you do is nag, nag, nag, and cut farts in people’s faces when they’re sleeping. Why did we even bring you along? Why are you here, Melvin?”
         “Why am I here? That’s a good question. I guess I wanted to tag along cause I wanted to see Mr. Wilson too.”
         “Why’s that, guv’nor,” questioned Flippy.
         “I need his help. I need him to help me find this friend of mine.”
         “What happened to your friend?” Suzie asked.
         “He borrowed my lawn mower and I haven’t seen him since.”
         “And you miss him?” Suzie prompted.
         “No,” Melvin answered. “I just want my lawn mower back.”
         The party took a moment to digest this nugget of information, before Frank cut through the silence like a hedge trimmer.
         “Well, that’s about the dumbest thing…”
         He was interrupted by the appearance of a strange, little man, wrapped in brown paper and trailing a long, white beard.
         “Hey, what’s all this racket? Can’t a guy get any decent peace around here?”
         He stopped between Frank and Melvin and held out dusty hands, which everyone tried to avoid. “So, you come into my clearing, make a lot of racket, then won’t even shake my hand? What good are you, eh?”
         Flippy tried to be diplomatic. “Sorry, guv’nor, but you smells a little unpleasant, you do. And may I add, that you looks like you’ve been rolling around in some things that a person shouldn’t be a rolling around in.”
         “Well, well.” The old man chuckled. “You must be the leader of the group, little meat dog.”
         Frank pushed forward. “I don’t think we’ve officially elected a leader. But, if we had, I’m sure…”
         “That it wouldn’t be you,” Melvin added.
         The old man looked around, then shook his head sadly. “A group without a leader’s like a soup without corn. Sad.”
         The others looked at each other quizzically, while the old man continued.
         “But you’re traveling so far. And you have so much farther to go.” Slowly, he looked around. “And one of you is absent.”
         Suzie spoke up. “That would be Cleotus. He’s…he was my brother.”
         “Is your brother,” the old man corrected. “But I see darkness for him. He is surrounded by darkness.”
         “He was swallowed by a two-headed cat.” Melvin explained.
         “That would explain the darkness. But, come, you are exhausted and it’s getting late. You can stay in my hovel tonight.”
         “Maybe we better not,” Frank said slowly.
         “Yeah,” added Suzie, “I’m sure we don’t want to be a bother.”
         “Nonsense,” stated the old man. “I insist. I made mud soup enough for everyone.”
         “Yummy,” Melvin belched enthusiastically.
         *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *
         When the old man said “hovel”, what he really meant was a large hole in the ground with a couple of pieces of cardboard thrown over the top for a roof. Suffice to say, it wasn’t the large and luxurious hovel that they all thought it would be. But it did have a lamp hanging from one wall, so it wasn’t dark, just creepy.
         Melvin had to sit hunched forward with his long arms grasping his legs just to fit. And then there was the smell too. And by smell, I mean Melvin.
         The old man held out a ladle full of soup. “So, does anyone want seconds?”
         Everyone quickly placed their hand over the top of their bowls and vigorously shook their head no. All except Melvin, who requested two more heaping helpings and this time, make it with more lumps.
         When everyone had their fill, or lack of, they all relaxed as well as anyone in a coffin-sized hole could. The old man produced a sack and began rummaging through it, talking as he sought whatever he was looking for.
         “So, why does your water bottle have arms and legs?” The old man asked as he pointed at Frank’s Colon .
         The Colon jumped forward and had to be forcibly contained by Frank and Flippy. “That’s it, old man. I’m gonna smash you good.”
         “Simmer down, Colon ,” started Frank, before he was cut off by the old man’s laughter.
         “Be at peace, Colon . I was only fooling with you.”
         Frank’s Colon nodded his head as if he accepted the old man’s apology, but moved to the rear of the hovel, where he was heard muttering, “I’ll just wait till he’s asleep and then we’ll see who’s the water bottle.”
         “So, you’ve come a long way and still have far to go.” The old man pointed at Suzie. “But you, young lady, have come the farthest, haven’t you?”
         “Yes,” Suzie admitted. “I actually came from a different world. My brother and I were transported here by some kind of Mint Julep fairy.”
         The old man nodded to himself. “Phlegmina. She always was a hasty one. Yes, you may have to see her again before you can get back home.”
         Flippy leaned forward. “Pardon me, guv’nor. But who are you?”
         “Who am I? I don’t know if even I remember. But, it’s not who am I but what I can give you that’s important. I know you’re looking for Mr. Wilson, and you’ve gotten slightly off track.”
         Everyone looked at Frank.
         “What?” Frank asked.
         “No, it’s not Frank’s fault. Not anymore than usual.” The old man continued. “But I can help you get back on track. And I have some gifts for you as well that will help you out on your journey.”
         The old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small jug, which he handed to Melvin. “Here.”
         Melvin held it up to the light and gazed at the bluish liquid inside. “It’s beautiful. What is it?”
         “It’s mouthwash. You need it. I can’t do anything about your other problem.”
         “Thank you so much,” answered Melvin, as he looked for a place to shove his new gift.
         “No, thank you, as long as you use it. And little meat dog, I’ve got something for you as well.”
         The old man handed Flippy a tiny, felt top hat, which the meat dog puzzled over. “What’s it supposed to do, guv’nor?”
         The old man chuckled. “It’s not supposed to do anything. It’s a hat. It’s supposed to make you look jaunty.”
         Flippy immediately sat on the hat. “This is degrading, it is.”
         Quickly, the old man reached inside once more and produced a small book, which he handed to Frank. Frank’s eyes lit up as soon as he noticed the title.
         “It’s a Land of the Misbeggoten Woe and Surrounding Hinterlands Unofficial Travel Guide. And it’s the newest edition.”
         “That’s right. And it’s completely updated with new sections on the Blue Toupee Forest and comes with an appendix on various man-eating flora and fauna.”
         “Wow.” Frank exclaimed as he sat down to pour over his new gift.
         “ Colon ,” the old man intoned, “I have something for you as well.”
         Grumbling still, Frank’s Colon moved forward to accept his gift: a small box. It moved to open the box, but was quickly stopped by the old man.
         “Don’t open it yet. What you’ll find inside it magical and mysterious. When the time comes, you’ll know when to open it and what to do with it.”
         Frank’s Colon grumbled some more about strange old men who handed out boxes but didn’t let him open them as he moved back behind Melvin, who was gargling quietly.
         The old man looked sadly at Suzie. “My dear, the only gift I offer you is advice.”
         “That stinks,” Suzie answered.
“But it’s good advice, and mind your elders. Remember, at the end, the good times you had with your brother. Also remember that there is love in this world and it’s not just the gooey kind of sticky love you find on some greeting cards, but the rich kind of love that you find in doing a good deed or smelling a new fragrance. Sometimes, it’s easier to go forwards rather than back.”
         Suzie took a moment before responding. “Thanks for that wonderful piece of advice, Ben Franklin. I’ll have to remember to file that away for easy access later. Man! Why don’t you give me something useful instead?”
         “Oh,” the old man continued, “and you’ll find Phlegmina in the Valley of Unwholesome Cocktail Weenies . Third fairy house on the right.”
         “Okay, then.” Suzie sat back, satisfied.
         “Now, I have gifts for all of you.”
         “You just gave us gifts.” Melvin pointed out.
         “Did I? Crud. There goes the old memory. Well, I have some other gifts as well. Here’s a kazoo for each of you, some bubbles, and one of those fold up fans that break right after you use it twice. Oh, and Frank…”
         Frank leaned forward. “Yes.”
         “Here’s your very own deck of magic cards.”
         Frank turned the playing cards over in his hands. “Wow. They don’t even have my name on them. How can we ever thank you?”
         “You can thank me by doing what you’re going to do.”
         “What’s that?” Suzie said.
         “Don’t worry about it. You’ll know when the time comes. Now, I must bid you goodbye for now. Some of you I’ll see at a later time. Others I won’t.”
         The old man stood up suddenly, banged his head on the roof, and threw something that made a large flash and smoke appear. When the smoke had dissipated, he had disappeared, leaving only his clothes behind.
         The smoke forced Frank, Melvin and Frank’s Colon to seek fresh air outside of the hovel. “Come on, Suzie.”
         Suzie shook her head. “Somewhere, there’s a naked old man running through the forest. I don’t need to see that.”
         *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *
         In the morning, they set off in a completely new direction, led now by the new guidebook and a confident Frank.
         “If we travel at this pace, before too long, we’ll end up at the Chasm of Despair, across which lies the Bridge of Peril . Once across the bridge, we enter the Kingdom of Frosty Delights , where Mr. Wilson dwells.”
         “Well, that doesn’t sound too bad,” remarked Suzie.
         “But in order to get to Mr. Wilson, we have to pass the three trials of Malodorous Mandibles.”
         “Well, that doesn’t sound too good.”
         And that’s when Mevin’s butt fell asleep.