Woods People

Riding shotgun in my boyfriend’s silver Chevy I cling to the “oh-shit” handle as we slide around a blind corner. Like a pack of steel horses, our caravan of trucks zoom down the narrow dirt roads of the National Forest. Duke’s Chevy is in the lead, followed by Lee’s Dodge, Ray’s Ford, Sam’s Toyota Tundra, and Jesse’s Blazer.  In a single file line we fly past trees decades older than ourselves trying to dust out the truck directly behind us. Rolling down the windows, Pine scent of the forest fills the cab of the Chevy and engulfs the air.

         Taking another corner the Chevy drifts smoothly over the dirt road as I look back to watch the other trucks dance wildly from side to side. Just when you think they have lost all control, the vehicle would change direction, barley missing the trees. With each revolution of the tires dust is kicked up mixing with the crisp midnight air. Roaring engines become the music of the forest.

         Any animal aware of our arrival has fled the scene and the trees even seemed to move out of our way. Disappearing into the night the path only revels itself to the headlights. Gaining speed the Chevy lurches ahead to a crossroad and launches into a 360-degree spin. Pinned to the passenger window all I can see is an occasional light from the trucks in the caravan and dust illuminated by the headlights. Moments before the others emerge from our trail we are out of the spin and pointed in the right direction.

         Leaving a huge dust storm in our wake our followers are stopped in their tracks. Once the dust settles we regroup and our destination is any muddy pit we can find. Careening down the dusty forest roads with the windows rolled down and the music roaring, my mind is floating among the treetops when the truck jerks violently to the side and off the dusty path. The truck is thrown into a group of small trees before finally coming to a halt.

As I returned to my senses my first words are, “What in the hell did you do that for Duke?”

“That car…It’s just sitting in the middle of the road!” he exclaims pointing out the driver’s window.

Sure enough there was a black Toyota corolla obstructing our pathway. Luckily the others had been far enough behind and saw the Chevy veer off its course. Catching up, the caravan comes to a stop near the wrecked truck.

I crawl across the seats of the Chevy and exit out of the driver’s door; mine was pinned shut by the trees. As I finally emerge from the wreckage my older sister Lily appears from the Dodge’s passenger side. Running my way Lily frantically starts asking if I’m okay and once I say yes she then promptly asks, “Are you sure?” Reaching my side she begins checking fiercely for any sign of aces or pains all the while asking, “Were you wearing your seat belt?”

Finally having enough I yell, “I’m fine! Lily chill out! We just ran off the road a bit!”

“Chill Out? Chill out!” Lily roars, “You could have been killed Scarlett!”

“But I wasn’t.” I replied slyly. Lily has always worried too much about everyone but herself.

         Shaking her head Lily gives up on trying to make me realize the amount of danger I was just in and instead turns her attention to Duke. Screaming at the top of her lungs Lily puts Duke through the ringer and applies a heavy ultimatum.

“How dare you drive like a fucking moron with my baby sister in there! Where in the hell did you learn to drive? What were you thinking?” Lily screeches, “ I should sue the piss outta the place that gave you your license! You better be glad that I’m an older sister and not brother or I would kick your ever lovin ass…”

Having enough of Lily’s bitching I migrate toward the vehicle that caused all this ciaos in the first place. Most of the others have already exited their trucks and now are standing, staring at the little black Corolla in the middle of the dusty forest road. From the looks on everyone’s faces it was as if none of them had ever seen a car before in their lives. The little black Toyota Corolla did look strangely out of place in the middle of the woods.

Hopping down from the Blazer Jade joins me to investigate the mysterious little car.

“What do you think happened to the owner?” asked Jade

“Maybe they were murdered or robbed.” I say, “ Or maybe the car was stolen and now ditched here.”

“Well should we call the cops?” asks Jade.

“Hell no! Are you crazy?” I exclaimed, “ We have bud on us!”

“I knew that.” Jade says.

Reaching the car the others have it surrounded and now stand around forming their own theories about the owner.

“Who really parks in the middle of any road?” Jesse asks.

“A fucking moron! That’s who!” shouts Lee.

“Well there’s a hair-brush on the seat, I think the owner is female.” Says Kay.

“Some guys carry hair-brushes too!” States Ray.

“Ya, if you’re a fag.” Says Lee.

“Look guys, the keys are still in the ignition.” Says Duke walking into the conversation.

Lily asks, “Are the doors unlocked?”

“No.” Says Jesse, “I already checked.”

“Did anyone else see this dent in the bumper?” asked Jade

“Did you hit it Duke?” Jesse asks.

“Now way, I hit the trees and that’s it!” replied Duke, “Someone else probably already hit the damn thing.”

“Well that’s what they get for being stupid and parking in the middle of the road.” I say.

Heading back to the Ford Kay says, “Speaking of the road, lets get goin!”

“You okay to drive Duke?” asks Sam.

“I’m fine,” Duke replies, “as long as my truck still runs! But I need a snatch to get me out of these trees.”

“I’ve gotcha bro.” Says Jesse.

         Pulling the Blazer around, Jesse lines up with the Chevy. While the guys are attaching the ropes I climb back into the truck wondering if the damn thing will even crank. Jumping back in Duke shifts the Chevy into neutral and a few seconds later were yanked backwards and the trees release their hold over our vehicle.

“I think I have whiplash,” I complained.

Chuckling he jumps out of the truck and is greeted with high fives all around from the other four guys. Must be a male thing.



         Starting the engine Duke smiles as he throws the truck in drive and maneuvers around the curious black car. Heading down the dusty road we decide to take it easy on the ol’ Chevy and just cruise. Up ahead there’s a sharp bend in the road and once around it we begin seeing more vehicles. Proceeding we begin passing vans, cars, trucks, and even campers.

“What in the world is going on?” I say.

“I have no idea.” Duke replies, “I have lived in the county my entire life and I’ve never seen anything like this!”

As we continue our drive the vehicles begin getting closer and closer together until we are forced to stop completely. The only place we have to go now is back where we came from. Instead we sit still looking out the front window of the Chevy, silently staring at the massive accumulation of vehicles parked in the forest road. The vehicles looked as if their owners parked in order of arrival with no concerns or cares about when or how they were going to leave. Looking out the front window there are cars as far as the eye can see and yet, no sign of life.

“Where are all the people?” I whispered as if it was some hidden secret we’d stumbled upon.

In a low, husky voice Duke says, “Not here.”

         Staring out into the sea of cars my mind is whirling with explanations when a thump on the window sends me flying into the roof.

Laughing hysterically Kay says, “A little jumpy aren’t we?”

“Ya think?” I respond, pushing my heart back down my throat.

“Why in the world are there all these vehicles in the middle of the forest?” asks Kay.

Responding I say, “I have no earthly idea, but what I do know is that I haven’t seen a single person inside or outside any of these vehicles…a lot of cars…no people…. weird.”

“Well let’s go find the people.” Says Duke as he hops down out of the truck, with a flashlight in one hand and a beer in the other. Sauntering over to the beer cooler Duke says, “Fill your pockets boys! Its gonna be a long night.”

         Getting out of the trucks our posse comes together looking for flashlights and beer for our journey. Armed and ready we abandon our trucks and head into the makeshift parking lot of the forest. As were walking the guys begin shining their lights into vehicles looking for any sign of life. Getting bored looking for people the boys devise a new game and begin checking all the vehicles to see if they’re locked.

“I got one!” shouts Sam.

“Is there anything inside worth something?” asks Lee

Sam says, “I didn’t go inside.”

“Well move out of the way if you’re only going to half-ass it!” says Lee.

“Don’t do that!” says Lily, “Its rude! How would you feel if someone went plundering through your stuff?”

Lee replies, “I’d be pissed but that’s why my ass locks my doors.”

“Are you sure there locked?” says Lily.

“Shut up!” shouts Lee as he opens the car door. After lifting the center console and coming out empty handed Lee dives into the backseat. Plundering in the floorboard Lee begins throwing things behind him and out of the car. First a t-shirt came flying, then a hairbrush, then a cd case, and finally Lee emerges from the car with a small glass object.

“Nice piece.” Says Sam.

“Back off! Finders keepers!” says Lee

“That’s crap!” exclaims Sam.

Lee says, “Finders Fee bitch!”

         After about a mile of locked vehicles we begin hearing music and the guys start arguing about the direction of the sound.

“It’s coming from the west.” Says Duke.

“Your crazy it’s coming from the east.” Argues Lee.

Dashing off to the south Jesse doesn’t say a word as he reaches for a bush and pulls it back. Behind the bush is a huge opening containing thousands of people, stages, bands, food booths, clothing booths, and beer booths. 

Jesse shouts towards the posse, “I think I found the owners of those vehicles in the road.”



         A rock version of Lil Wayne’s Lolli Pop is booming from the towering speakers that are strategically placed around the opening. The constant vibrations from the speakers made it feel as if I was gliding rather than walking. Once in the clearing our posse scattered like a colony of ants trying to escape a magnifying glass. Dying to find out what we’d stumbled upon I set out by myself and headed for a tie-dye t-shirt booth. The man running the booth was wearing one of his shirts along with a tie-dye headband that kept his greasy brown shoulder length hair out of his unshaven face.

“Um excuse me but, what exactly is all of this?” I asked the grungy looking t-shirt salesmen.

“You don’t know where you are? Man they must be selling some good shit this year.” He replies with a hearty laugh.

Proceeding I say,” Excuse me?”

“Your at the Florida Music Festival.” The awkward man replies.

Scurrying away I begin the search for my posse. As I’m walking all I can think about is where all these people are staying tonight. Ah who cares, the band on stage is amazing and the food smells wonderful.  Floating toward the food booths I’m found by Duke.

“Where have you been woman? I have been looking all over for you!” exclaims Duke in an exasperated tone.

“Around…I had to find out what in the hell this was all about.” I reply.

“Well?” asks Duke.

Responding I say, “It’s the Florida Music Festival apparently.”

Duke says, “More like the Florida’s home for hobo’s. Have you seen the woods behind this opening?”

“No.” I say and with that Duke grabs my hand and begins leading me towards two large white pillars. Standing by each pillar is a police officer with a scowling expression plastered on their pig faces. Passing the officers Duke leads me into the darkness of the forest. Planted like a tree farm, the rows of trees become our pathways into the darkness. Anyway you looked there was people and tents among these rows of trees. White flashes would appear in the distance then disappear behind a tree and once again re-appear.

“What is that?” I asked Duke pointing to the last direction I saw a white flash appear.

Duke says, “I don’t see what you’re talking about.” Just as those words left his lips a man darts across our path, wearing nothing but his birthday suit. With his sack swinging from side to side the man bounds past us and off into the trees, becoming nothing more than a white flash.  Laughing uncontrollably Duke and I lean on one another for support.



         Row after row we walked through the forest. On every row there were pipes, hookahs, and even beer for sale. Anything and everything made illegal by our country could be found among these rows of trees. Strobe lights and backlights from the campsites illuminated the pathways. Almost everyone you passed was wearing glow stick jewelry, from necklaces, bracelets, and earrings to belly button rings, and even toung rings. It was as if we were in the middle of one huge rave party.

         Running full speed in our direction a strung-out spectator comes to a screeching halt before us.  Tumbling over his own words the man says, “You want some acid, rolls, cocaine, or hey…hey…. I’ve got the good stuff…heroin…whatcha think?”

“We’re good.” Duke responds.

Just as fast as he appeared the man vanishes, darting off in another direction to pitch his sale.

“Woah,” I say, “ these guys really know how to party.”

“Ya maybe a little too hard by the looks of that guy.” Duke says sniffing the air, “You smell that? Some one is burning a fatty!”

“I could use one.” I admitted.

“Next Mary Jane salesmen we see I’ll get some babe.” Duke replied.

Confused I said, “I thought we brought ours.”

“We did, its back in the truck.” Says Duke.

“Just great.” I sigh.



         The Lucky number seven theory proved true and among the 7th row of trees, where we found our relief.

“Ganja! Ganja for sale! Mary Jane, she’s my main thing!” a roaring voice boomed, “Ganja for sale! Get your green before it dries out people!”

“I need an 8th.” Duke says to the Ganja Man.

“No problem… You want the chronic, mid-grade, or regs?” The dealer asks.

Duke replies, “Lets have a look at the Chronic.”

“I got Blue Berry Yum Yum, Lemon Drop, White Widow, White Rhino, Orange Kush, Sour Diesel, Northern Lights, AK47, the ol’ classic, Purple Haze….” The Ganja man continued on his spiel for another five minutes naming off different types of buds.

Drifting away from the conversation, a shimmering object from another woods salesmen’s camp caught my eye.

A slender swirling Sherlock pipe lay across a sliver of black velvet fabric. The pipe had crystals embedded into the smooth glass and at first glance appeared black. Picking up the Sherlock it becomes a rich dark purple. When held up to the light the crystals shone like diamonds. Even in the darkness of the forest the jewels glimmered, looking like stars in a purple haze sky, making it seem as if the crystals emitted their own light. The pipe was triple blown with a long neck and a large bowl with the perfect size hole. I had to have it.

“Just say no.” Jade says jolting me out of my purple daze.

“Never,” I respond with a smirk, “Nice of yall to join us.”

“You two are the ones that disappeared into the forest, not us.” Stated Lee.

“Ya well we were exploring.” I said, “I did find a sick ass purple piece though!”

“That she’s not going to buy.” Says Jade.

“That’s what you think.” I respond.

Turning away from my posse I head for the salesperson of the purple piece.

“How much for that purple piece?” I ask rustling through my purse searching for precious green backs.

“$40.” Says the purple piece salesman.

Making conversation I ask, “Why are there cops at the front of this place but none are past the pillars?”

“Because the land is privately owned and they can’t come past the pillars without permission from the owner and he’s throwing this whole shindig.” Says the salesman.

“That’s odd, but sweet! Thanks for the piece!” I say, paying the man I return to the group with a smile from ear to ear.

“Don’t you have enough pipes?” asks Jesse

“Never.” I respond.

Walking up with his nose stuffed in the bag of weed, as if it was an oxygen mask, Duke sings, “Who wants to smoke?”

The response came in unison from all eight of us, “I do!”

“Lets use my new pipe.” Lee says holding the piece above his head as if it was a trophy.

“You mean the stolen pipe?” Says Lily.

“Barrowed.” Lee argues.

“Ya without intent to return.” Laughs Ray.

“Shut up an lets smoke.” Says Lee.

With this comment Duke packs the bowl and hands it to me for the green hit. Striking the lighter the flame and bud connect, sending precious ganja smoke into my lungs. Inhaling it feels as if the forest has taken over my lungs and once they are at maximum capacity I pass the bowl. Exhaling through my nostrils a chill creeps up my spine and nestles itself in my airway producing a cough. Joining in the others, that have hit the green, cough along with me forming a symphony of hacking and groaning.



“You mind if I hit that?” asks the purple piece salesman as he sways his way into our group. Passing the pipe to the salesmen he asks, “Where did you get this piece?”

“Flea Market.” Lee nervously replies.

“You sure about that?” the salesmen asks with a hitch in his tone, “It looks just like the piece I have back in my car.”

Nervous glances dart around the posse before Lee says, “Nope, can’t be yours cuz its mine.”

“Really, now?” says the salesman as he turns the pipe over in his hand, “Those are my initials carved in the glass.”

Snatching the piece from the salesman Lee shouts,” Finders Keepers!” and bolts for the two white pillars. Yelling back over his should Lee says, “Meet yall at the truck!”

Not wanting to stick around to pay for Lee’s stupidity we clear out and head for the pillars where the pig faced cops are posted up. From behind we hear the purple piece salesman screaming and cussing furiously. Looking back there is now a new and larger group occupying the area our posse just left. The salesman is in the middle of this growing group, cursing and pointing in our direction.



Darting through the trees we barley got a head start before the mob gathered. Note to self: Don’t piss off hippies. Furious about his stolen pipe the purple piece salesman and his gang of druggies are out for revenge as they chase us through the woods.

“$500 CASH REWARD FOR THE PERSON WHO CATCHS THE THEIF,” the purple piece salesmen booms, “AND $100 FOR ANYONE WHO CATCHES ONE OF HIS FRIENDS!”

With this information the group of druggies split up into smaller groups and seem to be gaining ground. When the white pillars become visible I pick up speed and just before passing through them a root grabs a hold of my foot, dragging me to the earth. Crashing down, my face comes into full contact with the ground.

“Lady, you okay?” asked one of the pig-faced officers.

Coming up with a scheme to buy us some time I scream, “No, there after me!”  Pointing in the direction of the remaining visible gang of druggie pursuers that hadn’t yet vanished into the darkness. Before even having time to check for wounds I’m lifted by Duke and Jesse who each grabbed an arm and took off. It was like floating really because my feet never hit the ground until we were out of the clearing. Looking back over my shoulder, the men I’d claimed to be attacking me were being held up by the pig-face’s.





Now out of the clearing our posse stops for a breather as Lily rants, “What the fuck! He just left me! Good thing those guys weren’t murder’s or I’d be dead, no thanks to my lousy excuse for a boyfriend!”

“Ya, he’s an ass.” I proclaimed.

“Thanks,” Lily says, each word dripping with sarcasm,” that makes me feel better.”

Busting into the conversation Duke asks frantically, “What did you tell those officers?”

“That those guys behind us were attacking me, why?” I said.

“Because they must of told them something better, there headed this way.” Duke reveled.

With this our posse is off again, heading for the makeshift parking lot of the forest. Using the cars to our advantage, we hop from hood to hood, scurry over roofs, and jump from truck beds trying to escape back into the solitude of the forest.



Bounding past the car where the stolen piece was acquired I curse Lee under my breath as we run. No one looked back until we reached the trucks. By this time the police, purple piece salesmen, and his gang of druggies are running through the maze of vehicles trying to reach us before we take off.

“Where’s the Dodge?” Lily screeches, “He left me! Oh that boy is so single!”

“Get in!” I say grabbing Lily’s hand, pulling her into the Chevy.

“How could he just ditch me like that?” Lily asks as I close the Chevy door behind her.

“Because he’s a jerk!” I exclaim as the Chevy lurches backwards.

Spinning the truck around Duke sets off into the forest with the Ford, Tundra, and Blazer following. Taking dirt roads all the way back to Tallahassee it was as if we were never in the forest to begin with.