Defaming one's credibility

Defaming a person’s credibility or reputation so as it keeps them from not having the ability to reframe their "lives" induces so many emotions.

Twenty-seven little narks (narcissisms) will eventually turn into the time bomb. Those that choose to ignore it, the detonator will eventually hit the ground, so the twenty-seven little atoms will implode, and other innocents will ultimately end up paying the price, with such devastating affects. Irrelevant of what happens between couples, regarding their relationship; it does not and should not ever involve the children to use, as a weapon.

It is inconceivable in trying to understand that the criminals are innocent until proven guilty, and the victims are guilty until we can prove our innocense. Having to go through the pain of having to recall the circumstance repeatedly, eventually wreaks faith.

All life as a majority knows right from wrong, but it is when the "minority" with such a "power to control that majority of life", will end up ruining it for every body. The judicial system requires a new face regarding the "treatment" a victim receives from the courts. How the judicial system can justify money as innocents.  Therefore, because one is not better off than the other… “They are doomed”

The beginnings of my future, my childrens future and the acts that broke our innocents, that has etched itself to our hearts and souls, only to have it continually haunt us. Relentlessly having to relive it, has and is a constant battle in trying to find any happiness for the future:  therefore, I have concluded,      “the quality of my life and my children’s lives,”  never meant much to any of my family over the years-or the significant others that have came and gone.

How does one deal with or over come so much lose and pain, when others turn a blind eye and ignore such insidious acts of cruelty.  Not being “fortunate” enough myself to receive a substantial amount of unconditional love as most kids get from their parents or the approval, let alone any respect growing up. Has had a deromental affect on my children due to wittnessing the treatment one was given.

When I was around “twelve year’s old, my stepfather” sexually abused me, which in turn over time destroyed my self-esteem and the ability to find my own identity. For my fight trying to stay in this family-unit, was for the ones that I loved dearly and miss so much. Whereas I should have taken them (my children) and ran far away from all in the beginning. 

My hope now is, for others and the individuals that have past through our lives, read on what destruction:  Psychological-Financial-Sexual-physical-mental abuse, and Parental Alienation. Can do to ones mind; body and soul and eventually destroy the bond between; Mother and Child.

The love bonds broken by betrayal; deceit and lies, has only made one end up in deep despair, so deep; you just don’t care for the life they have forced you to start reliving. The shroud of betrayal and anger that has cast over a boundless range of relationships; as the result, has been the on going torture of  “Parental Alienation”  trying to understand why?  they (family)  “just chose not to care,” has and still does have a devastating affect on ones ability to feel a sense of belonging.

In addition, the bond I was entitled to have with my children: “has been destroyed” inability of others in not to taking accountability for their own actions, and the parts they “Played,” are the cause for it to get out of ones control.

Not able to see a future of love, peace, and happiness are just the tell tail signs of what: abuse can do to so many lives?      The “heartbreak”  it has caused and made us all endure, has finely ended my belief:  that there is freedom in the choices we have or can make. When you have so many emotions running rampant through your body, and so many things happen to you, all at once “It is hard to feel life has meaning, to have enough to want to live it”.

The violation on a Childs mind and body, at an early age, by these individuals and what it forces these children to endure; and eventually grow up, to be either re-victimized as an adult or turning that adult into another abuser, because others need to convict the innocent so as the guilty can live a full and happy life, should be shot.

Constant self-blame, shame, fear and my inability of not being able to ask for “needs” to be met is self-denigrating and frightening. The trauma on ones emotional core, have been severely altered and damaged, and the emotional roller coaster ride, we have (my son) been put on, by family, has been devastating.....  God, I wish he (stepfather) had of just killed me    “then my life would be none.”  Would not have all the feelings and pain one is to endure, trying so hard to fight them, trying to find the good in the life. That one wished to have.  Being lead to believe one has it, until one stops keeping their mouth shut about the abuse, or stops complying to there abuse.

When you decide you have had a enough and want to change your life for the better and have these individuals go to all means in trying to cover up there mistakes, is evil. Ends up being a case of    "damned if you do and damned if you do not",  that statement could not be truer.

All “Fears and Phobias,”  the mood swings the dissociation the overwhelming confusion; the severe guilt and shame; nightmares; the flashbacks; all triggered by sight; sound; smell and touch. The abusive behaviors of others inside and outside the family-unit have caused irreparable damage.

Therefore having had the greatest fight in life, for the past 32 years:  only to end up losing to a man, (ex-partner) I believed:  he could have helped achieve those dreams, lead me to believe he wanted them as Well:    Never imagined he would end up “EXTERMINATING ME”.

However, in thinking about it now the shame and guilt on his part made him run away, so as he did not have to take accountability for what he has actually done. “Maybe he finely looked at himself and saw himself for what he really was” and instead of being able to take responsibility, he became a "COWARD" and took the easy way out, like the rest of the family have done over the years, with a little more added lose.

Emotional as well as Physical Abuse we all at some stage in life, endure it. Whether it is in small or large doses, makes no difference over a long period of time, the damage is done, depending on the support net work you are able to tap into, will be the only way one can overcome the pain, so at least it is brought back to a level of bear ability. In the hope that you can find peace within yourself to get on with life, the way you, want it to be. Not forced to live it the way others feel you should.

Can you imagine what it would be like not to have anyone in your life, apart from your child, totally isolated? Alienated from all, family and friends, even as far as disconnecting the phone and internet. Downgrading your income so as you unable to help yourself even if you wanted to. Conned into buy a car on finance only to end up not being able to pay for the thing, have repairs done or have it insured.

Work all your life for what you have and end up having to cash in your supper, loose your life insurance, live each week on forty dollars to eventually have to sell just about everything you own, just to survive, so as they (Welfare) don’t come and take your child away because they forced neglect.

Have your partner call your doctor and tell him things that the partner assumes you are doing, or forced you down that a path, because he has made you feel, “weak and useless” on a constant basis. 

Then when they realize that the forced neglect is not working to get the last child away from his mother, someone decides to poison you. Mind you, that is after months of trying to get you to kill yourself. 

Your probably wondering why I stuck around, or put up with it? Most people do, and I am no exception. It was not for the lack of trying, when it came to my ex collaborate of recent.

When I first started seeing the changes, I had asked him to leave on several occasions; in the beginning, it was for a break from each other and for him to think about all the things that he was not doing, and helping to create.

Please do not get me wrong here; I am not saying I never made any mistakes, I have made shit loads of them over the years.

However, there was one difference, I did get help when I needed it, I never stopped the communication, and I never stopped trying to find ways to help the situation, or stopped trying to solve problems that arose from normal every day life.  Asked for counseling, did everything he asked of me for what he felt needed to be. I never stopped caring or loving him.  In the end, he used the leaving for a break, as an excuse to run from the problems, created a few more, and would tell me that I am the cause of all the problems.

Four years ago, I had a scare with bowl cancer, got over that and went back to work. Not knowing at the time I was ill from something else as well, just put it down to stress. Working, trying to run a house and stopping it from falling apart. Having grandkids pop out of the woodwork, adult kids moving in moving out. Constantly, in and out of court, due to idiot neighbors causing one of us to go into hospital or because they have broken into our house. Little accidents happening or causing an argument that creates one, to end up burnt. In addition, defending the person afterwards, I was stupid!

Trying to deal with the emotions of reliving the past regarding the sexual abuse done on myself. Flashbacks of things that I had forgotten came flooding back in full force. Watching my daughter loose your self-control in trying to cope with what the putrid thing did to her.

The cruel and callous things my mother had done over the years, not just to me but also to my children, then trying to understand how she could allow my daughter to see a man knowing full well he is a damn pedophile. Waiting every month for seven years, to get a phone call on whether he (the stepfather) was going to pay for his crimes. 

Deliberate acts by others to induce stress, so one would miss appointments whether it be medical or to do with an up coming trial, I guess it was only a matter of time, for the illness to finely strike one down. 

I remember going to his mothers and asking for her help, and all I got was “Maybe it’s time you think of doing things on your own” damn her, the bastard made it so as I could not go out on my own. " A mothers son can never do no wrong", realistically everyone has their own flaws.

he was able to take my independence away, once he knew i was ill, forces one to be dependant on him, drives my kids away all bar one, which killed my income, refused to pay bills, ask if he could help because some of them were being direct debited out of my account, to eventually have the bank suspend my account. Which now I am unable to have a debit debts or visa card to pay bills over the net.

It is ironic, I went bankrupt so as he did not end up having to pay my debts, finely are discharged. Clean slate could start getting my credit rating back. I made a decision to trading the car we had, for something more economical. I was a bit hesitant and wanted to pull out of the idea as I had a feeling that I might not be able to pay for it. However, he convinced me otherwise, and for the first time in my life I got finance on my own with no body else’s income to help. Fucking useless in the end still cannot pay for the thing, and the credit rating is once again, back were it started.

For one year I had to keep reciepts on every bit of money I had spent, so as I would not get acused of doing other things, the whole time me was doing this, he was telling others it was "I" downgrading his life. Well if that is not enough to put the fear in someone or make them really sick, god knows what is?

Then on top of all that have the DPP and other Government Departments, ignore your cries for help. Have your ex husband lie to the courts, so as he could get a DVO placed on you, because your asking for mediation and counseling in regards to your children.

Having your adult children deny you access to your grandkids, ask them for help because you have had nothing to eat in three days, only to get told to go to rehab and then she would gladly help.  "I did not need rehab I needed food".  Nice when all you have ever done in their growing up years, make damn sure they had food on the table and a roof over their heads.   

He made a decision to hate everything about me and used everything there was from the past present and into my future as his weapon, to cause devastation in the most insidious way possible.  I never had a chance; there was no changing it no matter what I did.

It is the way he did it, "psychologically" that makes it so hard to stomach, how he manipulated everything and tortured the ones that loved and cared for him.  To watch this beautiful man turn himself into a monster, and become evil in his own right, so he could leave what he helped create.  Then take my children away, continue to see them, when I have been alienated. Takes on a two-year-old child as his own, for eight years, then psychologically destroy him by wiping him as if he does not exists. Emotionally destroys the one he said he loved and made promises to never, do any of this.

Yep I was the biggest fucking idiot that walked knave and to damn stupid in not wanting to believe what was happening. Wishing for a dream, which was never going to come true?

O well, now I know why they "say" I am blaming them and only thinking of myself.

“ME, ME, ME"  kicking it back to  “YOU, YOU and YOU”

For all intense and purposes this is the only way I can talk to my family and let them know how I am feeling, because they are all too gutless to face the truth.