How To Look Cool On The Internet

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How to look cool on the internet
By: Divyajyoti Das

Its been almost two decades since the evolution of networking into what is today the world wide web. Millions of people have made the internet an integral part of their busy and important lives. The others are busy striving to look important and busy by spending their otherwise useless time on the internet. Below is a guide on how to waste time and at the same time look cool on the internet. I believe many of you will find it enlightening and useful for yourself.

First. Join as many social networking sites as possible. Don’t worry if you do not know how to use them. Half of the users do not know either,so it doesn’t matter. Send friend request to all your friends just to show them that you have signed up before them(Ha Ha HAA!).

Second. Once you have joined, sign up to all the useless applications that the site offers just to give your profile a sophisticated look. Orkut and Facebook provide a host of such efficiently useless applications such as slapster, Ipoke, emote and a host of other equally tasteless,useless and annoying activities that no respectable person would undergo in real life. If that is not enough, Facebook provides a host of horrible quizzes that you can take to bring out the deeper sides of you. Such include “Find out how you will die”, “which brand of chocolate are you”, “which famous singer are you”, which bird species are you” among other hghly enlightening and insightful quizzes.

Third. Search the net for e-mails that read “PLZ READ THIS!! URGENT!! FORWARD TO 15 PEOPLE IN 15 DAYS OR YOU WILL DIE/FAIL IN UR EXM/BE DUMPED BY YOUR PARTNER/BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!.......and send them to all your friends. This will ensure that your inbox will always look full with reply and forwarded mails and so you will feel important. Never mind if your online “friends” curse you for sending them such trash, they are just jealous.
Fourth.Send friend request to all and sundry, even if you have never met or never talk to them when face to face. I have learnt from seasoned internet users how to increase your friend count on social networking sites. The more wrong and dreadful your english is, the cooler you sound. Send them scraps like “hey man!wassup?!”, “howz it goin, dude?”, or if it’s a girl, “hey,remember me?” ,”how r u,ma’am”, even corny ones like “hey sexy, wa’s cookin?” to people who you never even talk to in real life. That’s the beauty of the internet. You can look as cool on it as you want without looking stupid.

Fifth. Start a blog. A blog is a place where you can brag about your impossibly boring life as much as possible and pretend that everybody is listening. Write about how cool you are, how exciting your life is, explain in detail all the great experiences and adventures that you have never ever had in your real life.

Sixth. Learn the internet lingo. Don’t forget to use cool street talk like “yo dude”,”wassup,”ASAP”,”LOLZ”,etc etc with dollops of sophisticated swear words like “fcuk”, “btch”, “wdf”,”wat the heck” etc etc. Also remember to use lots of emote icons that you don’t know how to use and never ever need, but hey!, They are so cool and hip man!!!,,;-{……!!!!!!!

Seventh. AlWAYS use the internet to communicate with everyone, even if they are sitting next doors. It increases your peer respect since they think that you are sophisticated. I mean, its just so uncool to call someone! It feels so cool to say “hey dude, you got gtalk??? Rradical!!!sign in and we’ll chat!!”. Its so convenient to lie in bed and talk to the girls and pretend to look cool even without opening your mouth or dressing up. Not to mention that if the conversation is getting uncomfortable,you can just close the chat box and pretend that you are “offline”.

Eighth. When you have nothing better to do, just sign up to as many communities as you can get your mouse pointers on. It’s a great way of killing time and at the same time looking important and noble. Some good examples of such communities include “stop child abuse”, “animal cruelty, lets end it!”, “I detest terrorist attacks”, “stop killing mother earth”, etc,etc. In addition to your online “buddies” thinking highly of your noble efforts, you won’t have to ever go out and work for these causes to impress everyone. Doesn’t matter if you don’t even know what the community is about.

Ninth. In your “about me” put “ I’m handsome and cool and smart and outgoing, like making friends”, even if you look like a baboon, stutter like an idiot, have a non existent social life, and have never gone out of your house for the last 20 years. On the internet, it never matters! Put in a cool and heavy sounding phrase that you do not understand, like “you love what you don’t have but you don’t love what you have”, or something sullen like “I am what I am” and “I don’t care what you think of me” in your status update, even though you spend every minute worrying about how good your online profile looks(because you are otherwise hopeless in real life!)

Lastly, never EVER put in your real photograph in the profile pic. That’s just so uncool man! Upload a really cool looking photograph of a handsome/beautiful actor or model or a cool graphic that will draw the attention of the other users. Remember, you can never go over the top while showing off on the internet. It just depends on how efficiently you do it.

The internet is evolving continuously. It’s a living entity that breathes and grows every second, and simultaneously provides more and more methods to us to get hooked on to it. We being stupid let the web catch us and make us even more stupid(if that’s possible!) under the delusion that we are getting smarter and smarter every day. I bet half the internet users today do not know how to even format their computers on their own!(I myself didn’t know until recently!) So, fellow internet addicts, let us take a pledge today…….to form a facebook community called “Stop the internet brain drain!” or something similarly sophisticated and make all our online “friends” join it. Till then, I hope my cues will help this dumb race in pretending to look smart on the net. For the record I’m DJ “the mist” Das (cool name, huh?) a smart, handsome and incredibly intelligent guy who loves making friends(full profile available on orkut). Oh heck, my room mate is asking me to sign in on gtalk to chat…..gtg, tc, bye bye...muah!….ciao…..!!!