Standing On The Edge

Standing on the edge... its strange that the edge can be so many different things, depending upon how you look at it? An edge can be scary, your only hope in finding peace, is to jump and hope that in death, there is peace. The edge can be exciting, how close can you get, before you fall off? The edge can be breathtaking. Anytime I climb a tall building, I love going to the edge, feeling on top of the world. I love the crisp air, seeing the amazing view, feeling rewarded, for making it to the top, not giving up. The edge can be lonely, because who wants to talk about being on the edge. The edge can be so many different things, again depending upon how you view it, or why you are there. I think it is similar to the glass being half full, or half empty. Each of us looks at it, from our own perspective, from what we know, that is what makes the world go round and gives life diversity. All of us seeing things in our own unique way. Lately my edge is lonely, its scary, its exhausting, the reality is, I know I cannot jump, but there are days I long to. I will not, no matter how bad it is, or will get, I will not give up on life. I will never make those whom I love and who love me, live with the pain of suicide. Live with the unanswered questions, or the haunting feeling, what could I have done? Why did I not see? Could I have stopped it? I have seen suicides before. I see the sadness, the pain, the questions. I understand both sides, I have been on both sides. I cannot judge, none of us can. Though so many do. I long to turn back the hands of time and make the world right again. I beat myself up, over and over, wondering, why I did not see it, how I could not have known? Sadly, there are no answers. I did not see. Yes, I can now. So I am more fortunate, than those who live with suicide, I am given another chance. So sadly, I remain there on the edge, alone, afraid, exhausted. I remain on my edge, hoping for brighter days, stronger moments. Waiting for my edge to be breathtaking again. Looking forward to climbing physical mountains, whose paths are still hard, but not as demanding. I will get there.