How can I resist him

                                  I admit, I was looking for trouble when I looked him up on FaceBook...and I found it. I don't know what got into me. Actually, no, I do know. Convinced that I was in love with my best guy-friend, I was so hurt at his decision to start a relationship with his long-time crush that I couldn't see straight. I would have done anything to ease the pain I woke with each morning and went to bed with each night.

                          So what did I do? I took a friend's corrupted advice:  "the best way to get over a broken heart is to find someone new to love". That's when I decided to look up Anderson, an old friend of mine from high school. Even as I wrote a flirtatious message and clicked "send" to his in box, I could recall the friendship that took shape swiftly, and the heated rush of mutual infatuation sparked during our very first conversations. Time and circumstance had forced us to abandon that friendship for a while, and nothing ever came of those superficial feelings; the memories were enough to put a smile on my face, though. I was looking for a distraction, something to take my mind off my best buddy and his new girl.

                                I was well aware that any contact between Andy and I could  easily reignite those unrequited feelings. I called it an infatuation. He threw me off balance when he called it love.

                                      A couple of emails and one phone call later, he confessed to me that his feelings for me back in high school ran much deeper than I knew; much deeper than he dared to admit at the time. In the soulful, deep-toned, poetic way that I suddenly remembered he was known for, he confessed to having always been in love with me.

                              As I said before, that confession threw me off balance, and, for some reason I still can't clearly explain, my defenses were weakened. Suddenly, something that was supposed to be a brief fling, easy entertainment, someone who was supposed to serve as a temporary distraction, became my main preoccupation, and the main man on my mind. I was in love.

                          The relationship that followed, however, was not what I expected. Though he was so gentle and sweet to me at times that it took my breath, he was also too cold and abrasive at other times. The friction was too much, and we broke apart.

                  But although we are apart, we still can't seem to let each other go. Try as I might, I still daydream about him, still fantasize about him making love to me each night as I drift off to sleep. Every time I think he's forgotten all about me, just like that there's text-message, an email, a phone-call...in which he swears he still loves me much too deeply to move on.

                      I know, though, what getting back together can do to us. Especially since we are both still the same people we were when we broke up. I know and I can't bare the hurt, so I refrain, although I long so badly for his touch, his embrace, his kisses...it hurt to be with him, and I couldn't stand the pain, but it hurts so much also to be without him. I never should have gone looking. I've tripped on my youthful thoughtlessness yet again.