Self Help....Elixer Of The Masses

Self Help: The Elixir Of The Masses
The need for self help begins when one discovers that he or she is totally dysfunctional. Science describes this phenomena in technical terms as Fucked-Up. Fucked-Up, has many definitions, but is generally regarded as the incapacity to accept that one is truly unable to distinguish the difference between Fucked, and Up. People who suffer from this common malaise are clinicaly called "Fuck Ups". This derogatory description is a symptom of the ignorance of our time. The proper adjective is "Get a life, you low self esteemed asshole."
I find that my patients, on many occasions ask me why they are Fucked. Interestingly enough, in most cases they are not "Fucked", but merely" Up". But...before you can soothe an ego, they are back in my office wondering why they feel Fucked Up!. I find this to be very lucrative, and lots of fun too. Of course Sigmond Freud had the corner on this market until recently, but modern technology has allowed us to steal some of his most secret ruses to use for our own financial gain. The best of these of course is the Self Help book.
Self Help books are the economic boon to the psychoanalytic industry that has been lacking in recent years. The days of making $100.00 an hour on the couch are long gone. Now, through the miracle of mass production, and royalty rights, shade-tree psychologists can "Treat", literally millions of patients in a single sitting. I myself, made over thirty grand last week, while laying on the beach in St. Croix.
Now.... I don't mean to demean the advantages of Fucked. I only point out that most Fucked patients you interview, lack the monetary wherewithal to come to you're office on a regular basis. The Self Help book solves this annoying problem. Even the most Fucked-Up patient can gather enough beer cans to afford a Self Help pamphlet, and from that time on, they are yours! It staggers the mind to think of all the loonies out there who are gullible enough to think that they can be cured of all their fallacies by simply reading a book about things they already know!. Sometimes I think I've died and gone to shrink heaven.
So don't delay! For only $9.95 you too can learn the secrets of the ages. From Freud to Spock, you will see every angle in the fine art of therapy. Now you too can benefit from the works of the greatest con men in history! You'll learn the ins and outs of Id verses Ego. You'll discover the finer points of co-dependency. You'll rake in the dough, while filling you're patients full of psycho-babble, and they will thank you as they pay through the nose!! You too can become an award winning author. Simply send $9.95 to "I'm Fucked,You're Fucked" C/O Dementia Awardus, Dallas, Texas 76051. Allow six to eight weeks for delivery, as our processing clerk is now in therapy. Thank You, and many happy return patients.......