Dakota Part Two

DAKOTA  PART  TWO

        This part of the adventure opens with a marriage celebration. A day of joy and love, the birth of a family nuclei. It fell upon an infernally hot day, a record hundred and six degrees in early June. Temperatures ideal for breeding fatal and foul bacteria and vermin, on which I would later suspect, my new bride fed upon.It was of course an unshaded outdoor wedding. So much for ice sculptures, cake-icings, easy going attitudes, and happy brides. Those melting Dolphins, in hindsight, were indeed prophesying of the unerring future meltdown of my marital state. This relentlessly dismal destruction had now acquired a lock on me. It was even now coming down the pike at me, and it was coming fast.

        Now not to get over preachy here but I learned a valuable yet simple lesson from having my insides gutted like a small pond trout and fed to passing carrion. A lesson that, after having what little faith I had in a loving God, along with most of myself, thrown to ravenous and rabid wolves, crystallized in a foundational premise for me. Well my dear readers this epiphany may not seem so Earth shattering to you and may even come as common sense to many a reader. As Mark Twain once said, and I'm pretty sure he meant me in this,”Common sense ain't so common” So what is this jewel of wisdom gleaned at such great personal cost? Simple, 'a poor boy ain't got no business marrying a rich man's daughter!'

      Now everybody's aware of the laws of attraction that govern the drive of the typical status quo good girl woman, causing her to desire the fringe element bad boys. Tag. I was it. I still preserve a certain flavor of it these days. I was however at the time completely unarmed and incapacitated. I was young and in love and as such completely incapable of intelligent reasoning. Solely on Demon Seed's advice and nagging we waited, not going on our honeymoon for two weeks. Not until we, my new Satan Spawned bride and I,signed on the closing of my, our, new home. Good move. Wait until after you're married to Darkest of All Hell's Angels, to sign away all your life's hopes, dreams and savings,. Good thinking! So how does South Dakota fit in to play a feature role in my imminent destruction?

        Simple, remember that honeymoon? Well no, we weren't going to South Dakota. We were headed to Yellowstone National Park. Having been there a few times I thought "What a wonderful place. I can't wait to share the most beautiful place on the planet with the daughter of Satan, Demonica." Yes, I will share this amazing and most favorite geological landscape, with the Matriarch Of All Malignancy. It seemed like such a good idea at the time.

        Now remember that 'rich man's' daughter' thing? Yep. "Eeewwh! Dirt! Bugs!! Look I broke a nail, you bastard!" "I going to the hotel!" "Go rent me the Honeymoon suite at the Old Faithful Lodge. I'm staying there!" "I want it." I want, I want. Gimme, gimme, gimme. "Yeah right. I'll get right on that.” Just do me one little favor first. Wait in the back of the tent, while I find some gasoline and matches so I can make you feel more at home.

        Well, after a week of this wedded bliss she finally got the clue I wasn't going to pay two hundred and eighty bucks a night for some hoydee toydee hotel room. This was equal to about a third of my monthly income at the time, she quit her job so she could get married. I didn't have a clue that working in an upscale fashion boutique required a single only status.You know for one or two nights, I had no problem, her Satanic Majesty wouldn't settle for less that ten. It was then she made the decision. Thinking only of us and our common betterment as a couple. Miss Chucky Jason Kruger, decided she could work her feminine talents elsewhere for far greater and lavish rewards. So with the marital bliss waning, the honeymoon long over, but barely half gone, she took off in a flatbed with some toothless guys from, yep. South Dakota.

          One month later. Napping in my lazy boy, I receive a call in my new and now quiet home. A call demanding I come and return the Dark Empress to her rightful seat of satanic power in Boise. I am commanded to gather Her Evilness, from the frolic of some inter-relational gene pool competition. Being young and stupid, I went to go retrieve Lucyfer. I jumped in my then flawless, sixty nine, four four two, and headed east as fast as I could. Off to gather up my Evil Incarnate. After eighteen hours of hard driving I am within sixty miles west of the infamous South Dakotan force field. It is there that I threw a rod instantly freezing up the motor.I believe the motor due blew up due to the Dakotan cosmic influences protecting it's borders against all things Thaylon. Luckily I only tore the clutch out of it as I flatten two tires while raking the entire right side regaining control from a hundred and forty plus slide. I left the car there, nicely nuzzled around a billboard stanchion. I left it, as is, signed title under the wiper blade. I then turned my back on the honorable state of South Dakota. Hitch-hiking back home, all the while reminiscing of other failed attempts at entry. I was starting to see a pattern here.

      The Anti-Christ somehow managed to be in my house upon arrival. Thanks I'm sure to Daddy's deep well of charge cards. My instincts however, told me she flew in through a un-garlic'd window. Whereupon, entering my former residence, the Demon Mistress several of her evil minions, as well as the Gopher Kings of South Dakota had already been throughout the house's nooks and crannies, probably seeking refuge from sunlight. Rising from her dark throne the Queen Of Hell promptly served me with divorce papers and a restraining order. Thanks again to Daddy's deep well of attorneys.

        When it was all said and done, I got the the mortgage for the Dark Fortress and clothes I was wearing.  Unfortunately for me one of the Gopher Kings was my size. The Evil Empress got everything else. Luckily, I still owe the Great Apostasy four grand for my abandoned car. A debt I will always hold as dear and unchanging as my promise to never attempt to enter the great state of South Dakota again.