Rockin That Thang

Part 1

It became one of those feelings that was hard to ignore and impossible to get rid of. Starting randomly one day, it continued until I had to force myself into realizing that I was in love. Seeing as it was with my best friend, I really didn’t have anyone I could talk to about it. She knew I was a lesbian, that I had been with other females and had relationships from long term to short term. It wasn’t fair that she didn’t believe in identifying herself, so she could swing freely either way without me being startled by it. Then again, maybe that was why I so easily fell for her. After many years of being friends, then becoming best friends, it wouldn’t be improbable to see her in a different light. I suppose I was hoping to avoid falling for her simply because she was the best friend I had, and that would be a hard relationship to replace. Yet, I did fall in love with her, and I didn’t know how to be around her because of that.

It was winter with freezing temperatures and even colder winds to blow feelings around. Nicole, Nic to me, had her daughters with her most the time recently, and I personally enjoyed it because those girls became part of my life, and I know I became part of theirs. It felt more and more like we were family, since we spent so much time together. Yet, I knew I was being cheated. Nic wasn’t sharing my feelings and I was only hurting my own heart by taking the time I was given and cherishing it. Amazingly, Nic didn’t seem to have any clue. This woman who knew my every secret and thought, couldn’t catch how much I felt for her.

One Thursday after work, I met Nic and the girls at her place after she picked them up from daycare. As soon as Carly, the four year old, saw me standing at the door to the house, she started yelling. She scrambled out of her car seat as best as she could, which made it all the more difficult for Nic to get her loose from it. I came around to her side of the car and grabbed her before she could step onto the cold driveway with only socks on. She immediately threw her arms around my neck and squeezed. “Kaycee! Mommy its Kaycee!”

Nic and I share a quick smile as she reaches for the other beauty of our lives, Riley, the adorable 17 month old babe. Riley smiles at me and waves her little hands before making a face at the fact that she was still in her car seat and everyone else was out of the car. As Nic grabs Riley, I grab the diaper bag with everything under the sun in it and head back to the house. Hearing the car door close I quickly slip Carly to my hip and wait to grab the keys from Nic so I can unlock the door. As soon as I think about doing this Nic says, “You know it would make a lot of sense for you to just take the spare key to this place so you can already have the door unlocked when we get here, since you always show up before we do.”

Before I can reply, with some remark I’m glad I didn’t have to give, Carly starts in on what she had done all day. “So Miss Suzie let me play with the pretty dolls today, and she gave me dresses to put on them, and they were new and pretty, and I put the dresses on the dolls and we played with the house, and the mommy doll made dinner with the other mommy doll, and-”

Nic cuts her off as we walk in and start putting things in their respective places. “Honey, why don’t you go get one of your sister’s diaper’s and a toy so we can change her diaper and then you can tell us all about your dolls today, ok?” Carly immediately jumps to the idea of getting to pick out a toy to bring for her sister and runs off into their bedroom. Nic smiles at me as she takes Riley into the living room and lays her on the ground so she can get her diaper off her. I follow with the diaper bag.

“Why didn’t you just grab one from the bag? You know I don’t mind hearing about the dolls with other dolls and more dolls with other dolls and dresses.” We grin at each other. As I put the bag on the side of the couch and start to head to the kitchen to start dinner with whatever is already set out from the morning, Nic stops me with a hand on my arm. I hadn’t even realized she was still standing, assuming she had gotten on the ground to play with the quieter daughter of the two.

“Kaycee,” she holds onto my arm and I pause, hating how much I love hearing her say my name, “Why don’t you take the spare key? You’re always here and during the week you get here before I do. You’re here every night and almost every weekend. I might as well set some space for you and give you a room with the cartoon comforter of your choice. Take the key.”

I sigh. We’d only talked about this after I realized my feelings were going the wrong way for my best friend. Of course I could say yes and take advantage of what she was offering, but I couldn’t ruin this friendship. Not with her. So yet again, I have to say, “No Nic. I can’t. You need to save that for whoever you get in your life that’s gonna be special. Or when you lock yourself out, like you have before. Besides, I’m only here when you are so it’s no big deal. We’ve been doing it this way for a few years now, I don’t know why it’s suddenly becoming a big deal. Now what am I making for dinner?” I start to take a step away but she stops me with the hand that’s still on my arm.

“You know there hasn’t been anyone special for a long time. Hence the whole sperm bank for the girls?” About five years previous Nic had gotten the crazy idea that it’d be better to just have the kids, and then worry about having another good parent for them. “You’re part of our family, the girls love you, I love that you’re always here to help, and you get some food out of the deal. I mean, nothing better than all work with only food for pay.” She laughs with a wink. “I just don’t get why you won’t just take it. I can always get another key made. Or you could give it back when I asked you too. Why are you making a big deal?” She lets go of me and crosses her arms over her chest.

My face starts to get red as I realize she expects me to answer, and I know the only answer that makes it impossible for me to take that key. Her head cocks a little as my face starts to burn. I laugh it off. “I wouldn’t wanna take that key until I had the comforter of my choice. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m hungry and you can’t cook while changing a diaper, well I won’t eat it if you did.”

She laughs and shakes her head as she turns back to her baby to change her diaper. As I get in the kitchen I shake a little. If only it were possible to be part of this family in the way I want to…