Little Red Riding Hood- Revised

Little red riding hood was sitting down watching Sabrina on her 27inch wide screen television. The show was just beginning when her mother called her. Slowly Red struggled to get off the sofa her whole body seemed to have been swallowed by the leather seats. But eventually she managed to and walked into the kitchen where her mother sat waiting for her a look of anger on her face.

“I’m not your slave missy” she said eyes squinting making her already chubby face look even bigger. “You do your own washing” she continued, pointing at the basket of dirty clothes.

Little red shot a look of pure disgust at her mother then turned to do the washing.
Unfortunately little red had inherited some of her mother’s characteristics, one being idleness or otherwise laziness. Doing the washing was too much of a chore so little red decided to put all the clothes in at once, an obviously dreadful thing to do. So she continued putting in the clothes, pouring in the washing powder and the bleach which she was sure she had seen her mother use. Satisfied that she had done an excellent job she turned to the fridge taking out a can of moca cola and a packet of Doritos. Then she headed once more to the sitting room taking her place on the sofa and began glaring at the TV in a zombie like state.
1 hour later…

“Red” screamed her mother “Come here now!” Getting up once again from the sofa red groaned and cursed quietly to the ceiling. Shuffling to the kitchen she stared at her mother waiting for her to say something. “Look what you did, LOOK,” her mother yelled. “You mixed the colours with the whites now I have a pink blouse”. Red stretched and yawned “I like pink” she replied, eager to annoy her mother. “ Think your smart do you” said her mother, “fine as punishment, you can go deliver these towels to your grandmother so she can iron them”.

Happy with herself Red’s mother smiled in triumph and walked out of the kitchen leaving Red with the towels.
Outside leaning forward against the harsh cold her hair blowing in the wind and whipping across her face, Red or now Pink as she had discovered when she had put on her bleached pink cloak, was quickly beginning to shiver with the cold. Walking along she braced herself for the long journey pulling her jacket tight around. Eyes’ streaming from the cold Pink was beginning to miss her sofa at home and all 30000 channels, her favourite being channel 24768. Hood drawn up over her face she had just enough time to- reach into her pocket take out some money and hop onto the bus.
After she had paid the bus driver she took the last remaining seat next to a strange looking man with large teeth and a hairy face. Starring out the window at her house she began to think of how boring this trip was going to be.

“Hello there” said the hairy man, smiling showing off his rather long teeth. “Ah hi” replied Pink eager to be rid of the man as she was not in the mood to talk. “Where are you heading off to?” he asked. I’m not going to tell you weirdo thought Pink. “Am I’m going to my godmother Sheila’s house,” said Pink. “Interesting” replied the wolf.

When she had reached her stop Pink jumped from the seat in joy of finally escaping from the man. Jogging out the door she smiled as the bus left. Turning to face the path ahead Pink heaved in a heavy sigh at having to walk through the woods on her own. Starting down the path she took in all the beautiful sights around her. Cigarette butts thrown down in the utmost artistic fashion, green liquor bottles catching the rays of the sun and most fantastic, cardboard take away boxes proudly advertising many appealing restaurants. Litter lined the floor of the woods winos slumbered behind trees occasionally waking from their sleep and frightening young children who had assumed they were trees. These were just some of the delights of the wood.
Finally Pink reached her grandmother’s house after what had appeared hours but had been minutes. Dropping the bag of towels she rubbed her hands which were becoming slightly pink due to the plastic bag. Just as she was about to head down the last stretch of land she heard a noise behind her. Glancing around she spotted a man approaching her. Instinct told her to run but her youth made her curious so she walked towards him.
When he was nearly to her she froze and cringed at the fact that it might have been the hairy wolf man. Relief seeped through her as she saw it was not the hairy man but a must younger, cuter man.

“Are you lost love?” he asked. “No, am, I’m just going to my grandmothers house” replied Pink, indicating to the house at the far end of the woods. “Ooh ok” he said “du ya want me tor walk with ya?” he asked. “Sure” replied Pink happy she had a chance to hang out with this cute guy but not so happy with his English.

Slowly they walked together until they reached the door and it was time for them to part from each other. They exchanged byes and Pink watched as he disappeared into the forest. She began to think the day was not a total waste. Feeling really jolly it took her a while for her to notice the feeling that someone was watching her. Looking around she surveyed the woods but saw nothing. Shrugging she knocked on the door and stepped inside.
It had been two years since she had seen her grandmother and she was now 95. Pink always hated seeing her grandmother, not only did she detest the smell of moth balls mingled together with damp and cabbage but also when she had to give her grandmother a kiss on the cheek. Being old made it hard for her to shave so her cheeks were dotted with tiny whispers each as sharp as a knife. The smell became even more unbearable as she got closer to her where she lay in a bed covered in food almost as old as her grandmother was. Looking inside the one-roomed house she spotted her grandmother asleep in the bed covered in blankets. Drawing closer Pink saw her grandmother’s face, which looked like an extremely wrinkled blanket, crumbs had gathered on her lip and chin, one falling off occasionally when she coughed. Her white night gown now yellow was as creased as her face. Her night-cap was laid on a bed of greasy white hair where age spots were visible in the partings. Pink coughed aloud to get her attention not caring if the woman was asleep. After five minutes the woman finally awoke sitting up so quickly she sent a shower of saliva over the bed.

“Hi grandma” said Pink in a tone that copied the annoyed expression on her face. Seeing her granddaughter the old woman smiled revealing her gummy, wet mouth. “Hello love” she replied saliva trailing down her chin dragging a crumb from her lip with it. “Would you be a dear and fetch me Bronco he’s in the back”.

Pink groaned and gritted her teeth mumbling her annoyance under her breath. Shuffling to the back door she yanked it open and stepped out into the cold air. Bronco, as he was known, was Pink’s grandmother’s rat-like terrier. He was mean, vicious and bit people and her grandmother loved him. Catching him by the scruff of his neck  Pink held him up as he snarled and yapped, laughing at how helpless he was. Suddenly Pink heard a loud scream behind her coming from the house.
Inside the house the hairy wolf man was quickly silencing the grandmother, tying her up and stuffing her into a closet. She would do as a snack later he thought. Next he hurried to the Grandmothers dresser and pulled out various night clothes. Hurriedly he put on the clothes struggling to pull up the tights over his rather hairy legs. Finally he was done jumping into the bed just as Pink began walking towards the back door.
She was so startled by the noise she nearly dropped the dog, which was now latched onto her finger, his little teeth digging deep into her skin. Shaking the dog loose she ran into the house and searched for her gran.
Looking around she located her grandmother sitting peacefully on the bed; smiling and appearing a little disorientated.

“Did you hear that noise?” asked Pink, jumping to see each corner of the room, eyes wide in hope of an answer. “No I didn’t” replied her grandmother “whatever is the matter my dear?” “Nothing” replied Pink who was beginning to think she had imagined it.

Turning to see her grandmother she noticed that she had her night-cap was must lower over her face so only her chin and mouth was clear to see. The part of her face that was visible had become much hairier then it had been previously and her teeth looked sharper and longer. Her ears had become pointed and her hands were hairy and dirty. A thought came to Pink as she realised that this was the hairy man. She smiled and narrowed her eyes.

“Why Grandmother what big eyes you have!” said little Pink. “All the better for me to see you with, my dear” replied the wolf man. Pink smiled he thought he had fooled her. “Why grandmother what large ears you have” said Pink. “All the better to hear you with my dear” replied the wolf man. Pink laughed time to get personal she thought. “Why Grandmother what crooked teeth you have you could break a mirror by looking at it” said Pink.

The smile on the wolf mans face left and he began to get angry at the cheek of this insolent girl. Throwing off the blankets he lunged out of the bed, growling his eyes flashing menacingly. Pink suddenly became frightened and she edged towards the closet seeing the true ferocity of the wolf man. His nostrils flared, clawed hands out wide, teeth bared he was overwhelmingly terrifying.
Unexpectedly, the closet door behind little Pink opened and her grandmother bounded out looking fierce and prepared even in her old age. As quick as a flash she reached under her night-dress producing a two barrelled, fast loading, triple action shotgun. Grabbing a bullet from belt on her waist she loaded the gun and took aim, pointing straight at the wolf. “Sianara” she screamed pulling the trigger. Clink! Nothing happened the bullet was a dud. Momentarily frozen the wolf man started laughing tears streaming down his face, getting stuck in his fur. Using the opportunity Pink and her grandmother sneaked past the wolf and dashed out the door.
They never returned. Pink now lives with the guy she met on her way to her grandmother’s house. Pink’s mother is still waiting for her to come home. The wolf man died due to over-laughing. The grandmother now lives in the retirement home and tells the tale of the wolf-man twice a day to all the inhabitants.

The End
Moral of the story
: Don’t lie to strangers they always seem to know the truth.
: Buy good quality bullets you never know when they might be needed.