Need Hope

Does God love us all the same?
I seem to feel more pain than others.
I lay awake wondering the reason
for my suffering.

Is this a test of my faith
a way to prove my love?
Well love is not proud
love does not boast.

Why am I being mentally shackled
walking around emotionally crucified?
While others are free to experience lifes fulfillment
able to absorb the trust and safety love brings

Why am I not allowed the same sensation?
Is all that's negative turned towards me
just so the scale can balance out?

What's the point of living if I'm just dead weight?
What is this happiness people speak of?
Why is it that some are always filled with joy?

Is it possible that their angel
gives them a taste of what heaven holds.
Im guessing I was not of the lucky few
Not worthy for a mere crumb of what that is like.

Im getting more of a sample of what hell is like
So when judgment day comes
Im not gonna be standing in line
leading through the golden gates.

Instead im going to take a lonely walk.
All the way past the gates of hell
the only place where im expected to dwell