Griffin Towers; a family guy episode

Peter
Wow Lois is really slacking off Brian, this soup isn't even warm.

Brian
Its gazpacho soup Peter, it’s supposed to be cold.

Peter
Oh like that soup Geoffrey served batman in that old movie.

<Cut to Batman being served soup>

Batman
This soup is cold.

Geoffrey
Its fishysourie-

Batman
It's fishy alright. To the bat cave.

<Cut back>

Peter
I wonder if I've gained any superpowers from it.

Brian
What?!

Peter
Batman eats cold soup and he has freakin crime fighting powers, so if I eat cold soup I must have some kind of powers.

Brian
<looking at Lois>
Well you are exceptionally lucky.

Peter
That's it I must have freakin' super luck, let’s go bet on some horses.

Brian
I'm not sure that’s a good idea.

Peter
Brian this city needs me to use my winnings on the horse races to become the crime fighting vigilante I was destined to become ever since my mother and father were shot in a dark alley.

Brian
Your father's not dead.

Peter
Not everyone dies from getting shot Brian; I would have thought you knew that.

Brian
But your father was never shot.

Peter
That’s right and I'd like to make sure it stays that way by cleaning up Quahog.

Stewie
<Stopping Brian from responding>
Do you really want to know?  De constructing ones identity can be a painful process and dismantle reality as you know it, sometimes not even all the kings’ men can put it back together again.

Brian
<Audibly blinking>
Oookay, let’s go peter.

<Fade up at the track>

Peter
See Brian I told you I was freakin' lucky I just paid off the house with the winnings from that scratch ticket.

Brian
Yeah and now we're out of money so let’s go home.

Peter
Wow Brian look at the size of that horse, he's got this one for sure.

Brian
<Audibly blinking>
Uh, Peter I don't really think bigger is necessarily better.

Peter
That's just because yours goes inside you.  Come on lets go bet on the horses.

Brian
That's a Clydesdale and we don't have any money on us, you used it all to buy all those scratch tickets you used to pay off the mortgage.

Peter
Hey that’s right I've got the deed to the house right here

Counter worker
You ready to make a wager.

Peter
Yes I'll put the house on dragonfly.

Brian
You do realize that horse is a thousand to one.

Peter
That's how you know which races are fixed, this way they know no one will bet on it.

Brian
So let’s just not bet on it.

Peter
Too late the race has started.

Announcer
And they're off, its big brown's secretary Seabiscottei taking the early lead, setting an incredible pace, but the rest of the pack is right on his tail, except of course dragon fly, who has yet to eeeven leave theee gate.

Brian
So what are you gonna tell Lois?

Peter
What are you talking about; the race isn't even over yet.

Brian
Peter your horse isn't even running.

Peter
He's just pacing himself so he can catch up and over take them on the back stretch.

Brian
They're already on the back stretch and he still hasn't left the gate, and oh my god they just all broke their legs.

Peter
Except dragonfly.


Tom
Well Stan what do you think caused this, I mean is it the artificial turf on the tracks being too hard, or what?

Scientist
Well you see the problem is that these horses have all been inbred for nearly a century.

Tom
What do you mean?

Scientist
Well basically the problem is that only winning horses get to mate, and there can be only one.  Nearly a century ago a thorough bred from the highlands of Persia became so dominant that virtually all winning horses can be traced to his bloodline, this problem has gotten even worse over the past 4 generations as more and more money goes into breeding a the next highlander.

Counter worker
Well, uh, that’s never happened.

Peter
Well it just did so where’s my money.

Counter Worker
Umm, yeah I can't really pay you that kind of money; it’s tied up in a hotel

Peter
Sweeeet, I'll take it.

CW
It'll still cost a lot to fix it up.

Peter
That's fine I'll just take a mortgage on our house.

Brian
Peter, you don't know anything about running a hotel.

Peter
Oh come on, how hard could it be, the Hiltons own Hotels all over the place, and they still have time to raise a perfectly normal daughter.

Brian
Do you even know what normal is?


Peter
Do any of us Brian, do any of us?

Brian
What about your job, running a hotel is a lot of responsibility you can't just show up after work and expect it to run itself?

Peter
Well I was thinking of taking a vacation and after that I'm sure Lois can take over, it’s just like what she does at home.

Brian
Except that it’s a hotel with over a dozen rooms with families vacationing in them.

Peter
Yeah, exactly like raising a family, she'll just have to work twice as hard.

Brian
<audibly blinking>
Math’s not really your strong suit is it Peter.

Peter
And spades aren't really yours.

Brian
Actually I'm a dog, so I'm great with digging tools.

Peter
Oh yeah? Well prove it.
<Gives Brian a spade and a bone, Brian goes and digs a hole in the middle of the track>

Tom
Well I guess that puts a hole in your inbreeding 'theory' doesn't it. clearly dogs have been using this track as a depository for bones creating a running surface more potholed than main street.
<flash to main street, where there is a car with all four wheels stuck in potholes>

Scientist
But I saw the track checked before the race, and if you look at the spots where the horses fell there is not a single hole.

Tom
< Caption under him reads 'new owner of dragon fly'>
Just like theres not a single hole in the theory of intellegent design almost like its to smooth not to have holes, you just can't stand to see a man rewarded for the hard work of his horse can you?  You hippies make me sick.  This is Tom Tucker reporting on the growing trend of Clydesdale racing.

<Fade Out>
<Fade Up on Neighborhood Quagmire is sitting on his front Lawn>

Quagmire
Hey Peter, I heard you won a hotel, so do you need a bell hop to show the girls their rooms?

Peter
Hey good idea Quagmire, I could get the neighbors to help out.  See Brian every thing's going to work out fine.  Hey Cleveland how'd you like to drive a fancy car for a living.

Cleveland
Because of our long standing friendship I'm gonna assume you didn't ask me to be your chauffeur because I'm black.

Peter
Actually I wanted you to be my new valet but if you happen to park a Limo you can be my chauffeur too.  And Joe can be the bus boy, there now I've got a fully staffed Hotel and it didn't cost me anything.  Now all I need to do is ignore one of my children until they become so promiscuous that not even the pope is safe from her attempts at innuendo.
<enter the house where Meg is watching the music video for that Paris Hilton 'song'>
Meg, honey, shouldn't you find a role model you can actually take after?

Stewie
<to Brian>
Well, I suppose its better this then fighting crime.

Brian
Knock on wood.

Stewie
Brian. I had no idea you were superstitious.

Brian
Ju jus just do it, Lois.

Stewie
What the deuce?!  Did you just call me Lois, why I've never been so insulted in my life.  My god if I wasn't so sure that it was the result of your frankly disturbing fixation on that that Ginger harpy, why, I'd kick you.  Come to think of it.
<Kicks Brian>



<commercials!!!>
<Fade up playing the theme song of Fawlty Towers, as Peter puts the letters on a Sign that reads Peter Griffin Towers.  That task finished peter goes inside, then comes back out and re arranges the sign to say Peters friGin Tower and runs off giggling fade out>

<fade up on the hotel parking lot>
Peter
Hey Cleveland I brought you a six pack as thanks for doing this for free.

Cleveland
Peter I'm the valet it would not be prudent of me to imbibe alcohol while parking other peoples cars.

Peter
Hey, don't worry about it, this place came with insurance that'll cover you if you crash, besides its fresh from the brewery.  So we got any sweet rides?

Cleveland
Peter, these people have entrusted me with their ve-hic-les.  I can't just take them for a joy ride, on account of that reinforcing the negative portrayal of the black man on the part of the media.

Peter
Just gimme the keys.

Joe
Peter, I can't let you do that as an officer of the law.

Peter
Hey looks it’s got one of those wheelchair assist thingies.

Joe
Lets ride! Yeah!

Guy in Wheelchair
Could I have my car please?

Peter
Oh, um, it’s not this one is it?

GIW
Yes that’s it,

Peter
Well I can't give it back right now...


GIW
What do you mean, that’s my van!

Peter
Well um my valet tells me that it was making a funny sound...and the brakes don't work... so I was taking it to the muffler shop.
<fade out as they peel off>
<Fade up on a front counter for a hotel>

Australian Girl
I'd like a room please.

Lois
If you could just fill out this form and here are your keys.

Quagmire
Let me take your bags and show you to my room.

Lois
Now don't forget Peter the Goldmans' grandfather may be a little senile so don't say anything about Hitler.

Stewy
(Dressed as a host/bob hope):
Well there goes all the A material.

Peter
Of course honey, besides as anyone who’s read the work of former university professor (insert name of holocaust denier) knows; Hitler was a myth like the bogey man or the Donnelly's in Canada.

<Flash to German child's room>
<Father looking under bed>

Child 
<Timidly>
'He’s not there is he?'

Father 
<Authoritatively>
Of course not, Hitler only comes for children who are impure
<Cutback>

Brian
Didn't he get deported and discredited as a fraud?

Peter
Those wacky Canuckistanys.

<enter Quagmire>
Quagmire
Hey Peter can I borrow a ladder?

Peter
Sure Quagmire, its just over there.

Quagmire
<Retrieving ladder>
Giggity thanks Peter.
<follow Quagmire out, there already is a ladder set up>
Hey get your own peep show.

Person on Ladder
I'm just trying to get in my room, the lock won't budge.
<fade back to lobby>
<Enter Grandpa and Marcela Goldsmith>

Peter
Ah there you are, how is your room this fine evening Madame.

Marcela
Well I don't know, the lock won't open you see.

Peter
< Turning to Lois>
I thought I fixed all those shy locks last night.

Grandpa
Shylockes!  We're paying customers you know.

Lois
I'm sorry he meant he fixed those locks that were shy.

Peter
Yeah Shylocke, sheesh.  Why don't you have dinner while I send Meg to fix the lock for you, its gourmet night, so there’s no riff raff.

Marcela
That sounds lovely.

Peter
Just go have a seat and I'll be right with you.  And don't worry about your priceless art; I'm sure it'll be just fine in the lobby.
<Flash to aging Hermann Goering in the corner leering at the artwork>

Lois
Hello, and will you be the only ones staying tonight?

Fawlty
Now look, I don't know what you yanks think of as suitable behavior in your hotel guests but I will not stand for riff raff.

Mrs. Fawlty
Oh don't mind him he's just a little worried it’s the first time he's been to another hotel you see.

Lois
Oh well, I hope that our staff will exceed the performance of that hotel.

Fawlty
Well they certainly can't do worse can they.

Mrs. Fawlty
Basil really now, Manuel tries very hard.

Fawlty
Really?  To what?  Wear out my voice, test my patience?  And you, you can't even be bothered to answer the bloody telephone when it’s right bleeding next to you.  I probably wouldn't even need this vacation if anybody had a half an idea how to run a hotel right.  I'll be happily surprised if it’s even standing when we get back.


Mrs. Fawlty
Really, I'm sure Polly’s handling things wonderfully without you mucking around.

Fawlty
That college dropout, she couldn't even get art school right and you expect her to run a hotel, that’s it, vacations off.

Mrs. Fawlty
Now look Polly only dropped out from some misguided feeling of sympathy for you to make sure you didn't run that hotel into the ground.

Fawlty
Really!  Well maybe I should just sell her the hotel and we can live here, you'd like that wouldn't you, finally getting out of England and all.  Oh isn't America great with all its shopping malls and hair salons, but then you get here and not a single one knows how to drive on the proper side of the road, not even the Bobbies drive proper.  Then when you get to the mall there’s riff raff everywhere even the so called luxury stores.  I blame the weather always nice and sunny and only rains when you suspect it'll rain, doesn't build character like a good English storm.

Lois
Oh, you're from England, they have such refined traditions over there.
Mrs.
Oh I know.

Fawlty
Good, just go on make a new friend here at the front desk so we can't possibly pay less than full price, no matter how deplorable the service might be.

Lois
And I bet the view is lovely.

Mrs.
Well it is rather dreary sometimes, still I can just open the drapes and I don't have to look at him.

Fawlty
It's not like she has any other customers anyway of course, thats what the husband's for right?

Peter
We do things differently here in the new world.
<cue music from Aladdin's Whole new world>
I can show you around,
Show you the bitches and plunder
In the west New World
Stay to the left of the freeway

<Exeunt>
<The dining hall, grandma and grandpa sitting at a table, Peter standing over them>

Peter
All right, so what are you folks having?

Marcela
I think we'll just have the gazpacho soup.

Peter
The geswhat now?

Marcela
<Pointing to it on the menu>
The gazpacho, it's your soup of the day.

Peter
So would you care for some entertainment while you wait?  Maybe an impression
<Begins to pull out a Hitler mustache>


Lois
Peter, I need you in the kitchen!

Peter
Coming dear, cover for me Chris.
<Peter hands Chris his notepad and exits to the kitchen camera follows peter>

Peter
So what's the problem?  Need me to open this jar of pickles because it’s girly proof?
<Tries unsuccessfully to open the pickles>

Lois
< Opens it easily>
It’s these steaks they're frozen together.

Peter
I'll just use a steak knife to get them apart
<Gets a knife stuck in the steaks>
Hmmm
<Gets another knife stuck in them>
Huh

Lois
What I meant was go and grab some more from the freezer, not that it matters now since you've broken all the steak knives.

Stewie
Ruppert I thought I told you to keep an eye on this kitchen!  Maybe you should just send it out with an electric knife, they probably would have asked for it halfway through anyway, either that or try to wear it.  And do you even know what a waldorf salad is?  Walnuts, pineapples is it really that hard?!

Brian
Table 4 has sent this steak back, they said it was over done.

Stewie
Over done why if it was any rarer it'd be whining about how its to fat to be a cheerleader.  Wait let me see that, no! No!  That's all wrong, you can't just smother it in dressing if they wanted that they'd just ask for it, and these cucumbers are too thin.
<Throws plate to the floor>
Make it again.
<throws plate to the floor>
Make it again.  I wouldn't serve this unless you were eating it!
<Throws plate to the floor>
Make it again, only this time as something someone might actually consider edible.  And what do you call this; abortion over rice?!
<Back to the dining area>
Chris
<Looks at note pad>
Don't worry dad'll be back with the Gestapo in a minute.

Grandpa
The brown shirts!  We have to hide, come on boy quick into the cellar behind that fire place.

Chris
A secret passage!  Oh goody!

<Exit all>
<Enter Peter>

Peter
Oh my god they've kidnapped Chris!

<enter Meg covered in sewage>

Peter
And dumped sewage over this homeless person as some kind of sick message!

Meg
Dad it’s me and you sent me to unclog the toilets, remember.

Peter
And they've broken all the toilets!

Stewie
Who the hell broke this antique candle holder!  It’s Victorian you can't find a new one on e-bay you know!  You might as well try to find an uncompromising picture of Paris Hilton on that internet the kids are playing with these days.

Peter
A secret passage eh.  Lois I'm gonna need my bull whip!
<Commercials>

<Back to the lobby>
Goering
I may know where to find what you’re looking for.  Of course such information is not cheap

Peter
Name your price.
Goering
Sport would be the better term Mr?

Peter
Griffin, Peter Griffin. So what’s the game Mr?

Goering
You don't need my name do you, just know that I'll be playing a high stakes poker game in the bar, the winner will receive all the answers they desire.  The buy in is 10 million dollars.

Peter
I don't have that kind of money, how about this hotel and everyone in it.

Lois
Peter, you can't bet this hotel.

Peter
You heard the man all the answers I desire, we could finally find out what happened to (insert random cancelled unresolved TV show), do you have any idea how many nights I spent just being all like what the hell?  Besides, I'm a great poker, remember last night.
<Cut away to a bedroom with a fire place, peter pokes the charred wood with a poker and it crumbles perfectly cut back>

Lois
I think that we should discuss this.

Peter
It’s not like I'm betting any of our family.

Goering
Throw in that painting and you can play (pointing to a painting the Goldsmiths brought).

Lois
That's not even ours.

Peter
It’s not like I'll lose, it’s a deal.

Marcela
Don't worry about your son and my husband he does this all the time he'll find the bed and claim it’s the lost treasure of Atlantis or something.

Lois
What do you mean?

Marcela
My husband, whenever he has one of these episodes he eventually believes that he's some treasure hunter and finds his way home and claims its some great discovery, I'd do something about it but then how would I write my next story.

Brian
Wait you're a writer?  I've never seen any of your books on any book shelves.

Marcela
Of course not I use a pseudonym.

Brian
Who?

Marcela
Oh now that'd be telling and then it'd ruin the magic for you.

Lois
So where's Chris then.

Marcela
You should look for him around dinner time, I'd expect these plates are some kind of lost Chinese artifacts, made by Jewish slaves; it’s always made by Jewish slaves for some reason...
<Fade Out>
<Fade up on a wine cellar/ catacombs>

Chris
Alright!  Do you think we'll find a treasure down here?

Don
Treasure?  Oh yes that’s right the treasure.  Now let’s see where I'd put that map.

Chris
Is it a secret map in code like that one in that Tom Hanks movie, where it looks like a painting but it’s really a painting of something else?

Don
Of course it was in code so it probably looked like something else, oh yes here it is.
<Pulls out Quahog museum map>
Would you read that for me, I don't have my glasses

Chris
It says that you are here.
<Sounds kind of like that Jew>

Don
Well of course, that's why I couldn't find it before; there must be some Hebrew markings around here some where
<Meanwhile Chris is doodling in the dust>
You've found something; yes yes it’s this way come on boy follow me.
<they come out in forest filled with Monkeys>

Chris
Monkeys I hate these guys.

Don
Oh I don't know some of their tunes are kind of catchy.

Chris
Amateurs at best, in fact some critics would argue they are responsible for the disappointing state of modern music.

Don
How do you mean?

Chris
Well its just they were among the first so called pop musicians who sold a look and an attitude rather than actual talent.  Ever since then no one bothers to become skilled in music, why bother when your already making millions right?  Plus they caused this confusion between musical mediocrity and acting talent, and now you have Paris Hilton.

Don
That monkey just stole our map.

Chris
I told you they were evil!.
<Fade out>
<Fade in on the bar area>

Dealer
The bet is to Mr. G

Peter
I'm going all in good sir

Brian
Peter I think you should wait until it’s your turn and you should probably fold that’s a terrible hand.

Goering
All in

Peter
I'll call your obvious bluff.

Dealer
Mr. G takes the pot
<Peter reaches for the pot>

Goering
He meant me.

Peter
Oh (goes to the bar) I'll take a martini, shaken, not stirred.

Lois
Excuse me sir, but that painting alone is worth ten million dollars even if you sold it to that snake Leo the Fence, really you go to the pawn shop on 7th tell them the Red queen sent you.  You only had ten million to bet, we still have a hotel, the games not over 'til the fat lady sings.

Peter
Brian, go gag Meg.

Goering
Academic since I'm playing against Mr. Griffin.

Marcela
Oh no!  I owned the painting and this hotel is worth 10 million based on historic land mark status, you'll be playing me this hand.

Dealer
And the blinds are in, what do you wager?

Goering
I'll go all in, zeich heil.

Dealer
Actually it was Marcela's wager...

Goering
Oh

Marcela
I'll go all in, I think he's bluffing.

Dealer
Very well, players turn over your cards please.

Goering
Mein Fuhrer...

Dealer
And now we're at the river and Marcela has it, Marcela has won on a pair of aces versus a pair of twos.

Grandpa
We've found it the precious Ming dynasty vase.

Chris
Hey dad did you know this hotel is full of Ming vases we're rich.

Marcela
Actually these are all imitation vases, not that it matters really since I won the tournament, isn't that right Mr. Goering?


Goering
Why play along if you knew it was me, why didn’t you turn me over to The Hague.

Peter
Nazi, you goin to jail!

Marcela
I had to make sure you couldn't buy your way out of it like the last time by winning your last 10 million dollars.

Peter
So I guess we can have the hotel back since you don't need it.

Marcela
No it was a valid stake and I won the tournament so I won the Hotel.

Peter
Oh.

Marcela
I'll let you stay for 25 percent off though.