Gunfight at the Paris Corral

GUNFIGHT AT THE PARIS CORRAL

By Lyle R. Amlin

Sometimes when honor needs to be restored, it's best to hose the combatants down

I am beginning to think Frenchmen are crazy. At least Lunar Frenchmen are, I don't know any Earthie French.

Maybe the Earthie French are off, too. No one I knew could figure out why France built New Paris on Luna except for national pride...and that they've got in abundant amounts.

New Paris was about 50 klicks from Lunar City. It was a lot prettier than Lunar City, the dome was of pink plastic, and inside they made it look like the Earth Paris. The ground level walkways were made of cobbles and the rooms were reproductions of buildings you'd find in any section of the original city.

They even brought up half-grown trees from Earth and planted them in a grass-covered park area that even had a small stream running through it. The stream, of course, wasn’t “real”, it had a concrete liner with small rocks pressed into it and the water was recirculated over and over again, but at the pool at the end there were some koi, huge koi that were fed very well and had grown to outstanding size. Outside the buildings the lighting came from street lamps which had bulbs resembling old open gas flames. Inside the buildings it reminded you more of Earth. All the walls were of simulated wood and the furniture was made out of real wood. Like I said, New Paris was pretty.

But outside of being pretty, there wasn't any apparent reason for the city. There was no iron nearby, they had to buy all of their water from Lunar Corp. and they didn't have any private firms renting space. They did have some science labs of their own underneath the ground level and a really efficient atomic reactor for power.

The one thing New Paris did have was the best bars and restaurants on Luna, and tourists, wealthy tourists from all over Earth, not just France.

I know, they had the only bars on Luna, but theirs had chorus girls, great food and earthie wine. Yeah, they purchased a lot of our Jungle Juice...they turned into our biggest customer. This was funny, because when we went to New Paris we never could find any Jungle Juice for sale.

The mystery was solved on one trip. The waiter suggested to Uncle Mark and myself that we try their new “Luna vintage wine”. We did and when we tasted it we looked at each other and smiled. It was “Jungle Juice but had a new fancy label on it with a new name. I don’t read French, but even I could tell it didn’t say “Jungle Juice”. I didn’t mind the re-labeling, but they were charging $54 a bottle when regular Jungle Juice was sold for only $24 a bottle anyplace on Luna. When we got back to the farm we sent out a note to New Paris that effectively immediately there was a $20 surcharge on all bottles of Jungle Juice that was relabeled and sold under a different name.

* * * *

Most everyone on Luna tried to make it to New Paris when they got a couple or three days off and we had some really good parties there...and maybe that was New Paris' purpose after all.

I tell you all this only so you can understand why I quickly accepted a contract hire with Kaiser Steel to work about two weeks in New Paris.

Kaiser had contracted to build five transport crawlers for the French so they wouldn't have to rent Luna Corps 'cats to transport all that water they needed for their grass, trees and stream and Kaiser was short of manpower at that time. I had quit Luna Corp and after negotiating a good price with Kaiser, I hopped the next 'cat for New Paris.

It took us about nine hours to reach New Paris (No, we didn't have the Lunar Express yet - that was built a couple of years later. When the Express was finished the trip was only about an hour and a half, but back then it was a long haul.)

The Kaiser work wasn't difficult. The transport crawlers were really regular Lunar 'cats, just oversize and with a big tank trailer for the water. Unlike regular 'cats, they had a passenger compartment and could handle about 15 passengers in addition to the regular two-man crew, but the work was just ordinary welding and cutting, not engineering.

Like I said, the French bars served great food and wine and both were really expensive...I think I about broke even on the contract...and it was a welcome change from what we used to get at the Lunar City mess hall. I had become pretty friendly with a couple of Frenchman and one evening just before the work was finished we were drinking wine at one of the bars.

I have to explain that one thing the French were mad about was Earthie soccer, in particular the national French soccer team. They followed soccer even more closely and more enthusiastically than Americans do football and baseball. I don't see it. A bunch of guys kicking and bouncing a ball with their feet and heads, trying to get it into a huge net at one end of a field...but they really got into it, and the fans in the stand would get into fistfights and even stream out during a game to tangle with the opposing fans on the field. People would get hurt, occasionally fatally.

This particular evening it was even worse than usual, it seems that a playoff was underway between the French and German national teams. A German guy, Adolph, from the Kaiser Steel work crew was really riding my French buddies whenever the German team scored or made a steal and things were getting a bit hot. Then it got ugly.

"Yah," said Adolph when a German scored, "the French are pansies, they not only can't play well, they make bad wine and are lousy lovers, besides."

"Gerries are not only bad-mannered and louts, they smell bad," said Pepe, one of the Frenchmen at my table.

Adoph pushed back from his table, knocking over his chair and raised a fist at Pepe, "You can't say that," he yelled and took a step toward Pepe, "the French are svine who root in the mud with their noses and eat bad meat."

I didn't really understand that "bad meat" thing...but I guess it was some sort of an insult because Pepe got really mad. He stood up, knocking over my glass of wine doing it, and turned to face Adolph. They were nose to nose and yelling insults at each other at the same time. Both men had strong voices and the noise was overpowering. Everything else stopped in the bar and everyone turned to see what the action was...I noticed the bartender had reached under the bar for something and he came to the end of the bar and stopped.

Then Pepe said, "German pig, you have insulted France, Pepe and all Frenchmen. I challenge you to a duel," and he suddenly stepped back a half pace and gave Adolph a hard open-handed slap on the face that twisted Adolph's head to one side.

That stopped Adolph for a second. A large, hand-shaped red mark was forming on his cheek already and he rubbed it with his left hand. "A duel. Yes. I accept," he thundered back.

"I will have my second contact you for the time and place. Weapons will be pistols at 20 paces, agreed?" Pepe said.

"Agreed," and Adolph turned and stalked out of the bar, the quietest bar I had ever been in during open hours, maybe even during closed hours.

Pepe sat down and picked up his wine glass. He took a sip and cuddled it between his hands for about a minute. No one at our table said a word but I noticed that two of Adolph's friends tossed some gold coins on the table and left quietly.

"Don," Pepe said, "you are neutral in this matter, you are an American aren't you?"

"Well, yes, but I..."

"Good, then I wish to ask you to be the referee."

Thank goodness that's what Pepe wanted. I thought he wanted me to be his second or something. "What does a referee do, exactly?" I asked.

"You will make certain of the duel location, keep any witnesses to the side, load and present the pistols to us, and count off the ten paces."

"OK, I can do that," I said, almost immediately wishing I hadn't gotten involved in this duel thing. "What pistols?"

"I happen to have brought with me my grandfather's old set of pistols. I will have them sent over to you tomorrow night," he said, then drank the rest of his wine in one draft and said good night and left the bar.

The next evening Pepe's second did bring over the pistols in a cloth-covered wooden case. They were beautiful. Very old single-shot weapons with black powder cases and round lead balls. The barrels were about nine inches long and the handles were of very old ivory. The second told me the duel was set for the next evening, 7 p.m., just before Lunar sunset and one kilometer past the atomic power pile.

The next day dragged by slowly. I wasn't worth diddly squat at work and the crew boss sent me home after I had spent an hour wiring up a DC drive motor...backwards. I went back to my room and just sat and thought about this duel. They would be wearing space suits, of course, and it wouldn't take much of a wound to kill them. Any large tear would split the suit and the air would blow out in a hurry. The wound wouldn't kill them, but breathing vac would.

I called and arranged for a 'cat and two guys to be there so we could load the loser inside in a hurry but it seemed wrong for either one to be hurt...and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

About 4:30 I had an idea. I made a trip to the local restaurant, then to the Kaiser storehouse and argued the storekeeper out of something and went back to my room. At 5:30 I went down to the airlock and met my two helpers and we loaded up the 'cat and headed out past the pile.

When we got there every other 'cat in New Paris was there and the area was full of people in space suits...everyone in New Paris who could make it seemed to be on hand to watch. It took me about an hour to get everyone to move to one side or the other and at 5:45 Pepe and Adolph arrived in separate 'cats.

I met them in the middle of the duel area. "Are you certain you want to go through with this?" I asked.

"Ja." "Oui."

"You're sure? Why don't you shake hands and let's all go home?" I said.

"No, we are ready, Don," said Pepe, "do you have the pistols ready?"

"Yes, they are right here," and one of my guys handed me the case. I opened it and held it out to the two. "I have already loaded both pistols and they are ready to fire."

"Good. Mr. Adolph, you select yours first," Pepe said.

Adolph looked at both guns, then took the one in the top of the case. Pepe picked up the other, they both cocked them and looked at me.

"Alright," I said. "If you are both certain you want to do this..." They both nodded. "Then step over here (I pointed to a spot), turn your backs to each other and I will say 'ready' and count out ten slowly. You will take a step at each count and then turn. I will say 'fire' and you will both take aim and fire your weapon. You will each have one shot. If a gun fails to fire I will come to you and reload it and you will then fire at the other party. Both of you must stand still in one spot until both guns have fired. Understand?"

They both nodded again and I said, "Then let us begin."

I counted out the ten paces slowly and they marched apart. It seemed to take hours to count to ten and I was sweating badly, would it work? At ten they both turned and Pepe brought his weapon up and fired almost instantly.

Adolph stood there. Pepe had missed. Pepe dropped his gun to his side and watched Adolph who stood still, his gun arm raised straight up.

"Well, German pig, shoot!" said Pepe.

Slowly Adolph brought the gun down to eye height. He held it there for about five seconds and still hadn't fired it.

"Shoot, shoot," Pepe shouted, "or don't you have the courage to?"

"I will," said Adolph..."now..." and his weapon fired, a great cloud of black blew out the end of his barrel, the weapon jumped in recoil and Pepe jerked.

But he didn't fall and a slow smile spread across his face, "You have missed."

"That is it, gentlemen," I said, "You have both fired, you have both missed, honor has been restored and I pronounce the duel over. I will now have both pistols and you will return to New Paris in your 'cats."

Well, the party broke up. Both men left, followed by the other 'cats and the walkers. I went back to my 'cat with my two guys and we got in. The driver, Bill, started the 'cat and turned to me, "They both missed, huh? Just bad shots I guess."

"Well, I don't know how bad of a shot they were, but they didn't have a chance to find out," I said.

"Whatta you mean?" asked Bill.

"I'll tell you both," I said, "but you have to swear to never tell anyone...and if it gets out I'll break both of your necks."

They both swore secrecy...twice.

"Alright, but remember, I mean it. I'll get you both if you tell," I said.

"Yeah, yeah. We'll clam up," Bill said.

"OK. Here it is. Just before the duel I got some ice from a bar and melted it down into a ball just the size of the lead shot. Then I got some grey paint and sprayed that over the ice balls. I put them in the case and immediately came out here so the ice wouldn't have a chance to melt...notice how I made you keep the case in the shade?

"See, what happened is that when the black powder fired it did two things. First the impact of the explosion shattered the ice into little fragments, then the heat instantly vaporized the ice shards. All that came out of the barrel was steam and water.

Bill and his buddy kept their word, no one ever did find out what I had done and Pepe and Adolph just kept out of each other's way for a couple of weeks and things slowly moved back to normal. I finished up the Kaiser contract and came back home.

You see, although everyone thought they had seen the first (and the last) duel on the Moon, they really hadn't. A duel requires two men and two guns... all they had were two water pistols.



"A Lunar Tan" 

"Jungle Juice High" 

"The Iron Midden" 

"Made On The Moon" 

"Cow Who Jumped On The Moon" 

"Gunfight at the Paris Corral" 

"The Long John Space Suit"