Blues

Blues.

          I stood out in the empty hallway in front of my apartment. Starring at the uneven brush strokes on the cold, grey, reinforced steel door. Thinking. “Well this is it..” I did my best to replay everything I had been rehearsing in my head. I had been practicing some speech about how this just isn’t working for me any more and how I feel we would be better off seeing other people since she is going off to school. I had to tell her that it wasn’t her but I just cant deal with her being that far away. Trust has always been an issue of mine. Was I really going to explain my insecurities and my neurotic behavior to her? “How am I going to handle this? Shit, more importantly how is she going to handle this.” As I put my key in the top lock of our apartment door my stomach began to twist into knots. I’m nervous as hell.  I fumble for a second trying to gain my composure. Before I can make the turn on the lock, the door flies open.

         “Surprise!”

Fuck, I was surprised alright. Suddenly I forgot everything, my words, any ideas I had, I even forgot to breath. I was awe struck. There she stood the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her long blond hair streaked across her face, while her poutty red lips framed her beautiful smile. I felt almost helpless as I drowned in her deep blue eyes.
         
         “Baby.. I’m so glad you’re home..”
         
She leaned forward, and kissed me. She tasted like strawberries. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or if I went to the wrong apartment. Who was she, I have never seen her this passionate before. She grabbed me by the tie and pulled me through the doorway jumping into my arms and wrapping her long smooth legs around my waist. Whoever she was, god she was amazing. It was gonna be harder then I had assumed. She was an angel, and she definitely didn't deserve this. She was wearing those small black shorts, the ones where her ass hung out just enough for me to get a sneak preview of what she had planed for later tonight. “Maybe this can wait” I thought.  After all she was the girl of my dreams, the only thing I have ever truly cared about. Or at least she used to be. Besides what could one more night hurt. She smiled with a look in her eye like she hadn’t seen me in weeks.
         
         “Happy anniversary” she said as her voice almost seemed to question the statement. “What’s wrong? Why do you look so sad.”

I took her legs from around me and gently set her back to her original position.

With those poutty lips of hers she began to utter the worst possible phrase for this moment “I lo…”

         “I fucked Amanda” I quickly interjected. Not realizing that my mouth was moving a hell of a lot faster then my ass could control. What did I just do?  This love boat of mine was now sinking, fast. I just abandoned everything that could possibly said to make this an easier process and maybe salvage what little chance of a friendship; that up until about 2 seconds ago, I still had.

         “ love you…” Her voice trembled and shook with a desperate sincerity that up until now, I had never heard before. This wasn’t the same playful, cheery voice that answered the door. Now she seemed battered. As if my words had filled her lungs with concrete, her chest along with her words grew heavy.  As she spoke, she did the best she could to avoid showing any emotion whatsoever “You what? Please.. say that again.”

I didn’t have to repeat myself, we both knew what I had said. We sat there staring into each others eyes knowing that this would be the last time we ever would. She stormed out of the room and quickly got dressed in a pair of sweat pants and an old sweatshirt while trying to hold back the tears. I didn’t want it this way, but by now I had no other choice then to run with it.  I followed but not to close I wasn’t sure how or when she was going to react. I walked towards our bedroom opened her drawer and began to put her clothes in a suitcase I kept under the bed.

“Tell me this is some sick joke.. You’re kidding right, you are just saying that.. You don’t mean it.” Her voice grew more desperate with each word she spoke.

I just continued to pack her bag and place her stuff  next to the door. I frequently looked out of the corner of my eye, watching her following me back and fourth between trips from the living room back to our bedroom. We said nothing. I could see it in her eyes, she was hoping I would some how cling on to the last remaining feelings I had for her, come to my senses, and tell her I was lying. Unfortunately I had already made up my mind quite sometime ago, when I decided to tell her all of this.  Now I wasn’t leaving Jen for Amanda; no I just did it out of confusion.  Though I was getting exactly what I wanted, i felt terrible.
         
Suddenly the awkwardly silent tension broke with and loud smash as she began to throw  herself hysterically throughout the house. Ripping pictures of the wall, breaking any object in her path that had some emotional significance to us.  All while crying frantically trying to figure out just what was happening.
         
         “Why would you hurt me like this, were did I go wrong, what the fuck did I do. Tell me!” She screamed between sobs. “I did nothing to deserve this.” Picking her clothes up and putting them in bags faster then I could even manage. 

It was almost pathetic watching her toss her body around the house, like a rag doll. Stumbling into walls, tripping over tables and cluttered objects on the floor. She was sniffling and apologizing between screaming fits and crying, I almost felt bad for handling the situation the way I did, but I remained steadfast by my words. It took a lot for me not to take her back, at least until I remembered why I was doing this in the fist place.  She began to make empty promises about change and how she would try to be a better girlfriend and never make a mistake again even though she felt she did nothing wrong. Not that it made much of a difference at this point. Ironically and suddenly enough, she recalled my sexual escapades with her best friend.

Now with a revised sense of confidence and a renewed sense of anger she stood up and out of nowhere she leaned all her body weight into her beautiful fist as she cracked me in the jaw. Just like I taught her, that a girl.  Fortunately enough for the window behind me, my face had successfully negotiated with her punch. As it landed somewhere in line with my jaw, I caught a wonderful glimpse of the thirty-five hundred dollar diamond engagement ring we picked out, as it made a valiant attempt to take out any if not all of my teeth.

“You fucking hypocrite, asshole. You make me fucking sick! I hope your happy with what you are doing. You went and fucked my best friend behind my back and you have the nerve to think I should be sitting here begging on my knees for you to forgive me. Fuck you.”          

As I crucially contemplated my next move I thought to myself, “you right I’m the worst piece of shit. I deserved that. I am a hypocrite, a liar and I don’t deserve you. You didn’t do anything wrong and here I am throwing the perfect girl out of my life.

This is the type of emotion I had been hoping for from her our entire relationship.. I wasn’t interested in the crying, not the I love yous or the apologies. I wanted to believe that she finally felt something, something real; for me. It may be the loathing of my existence, at least it was some sort of attention. She needed to be reminded that her insecurities are just as vulnerable as mine.
         
         “Yea I fucked her..” I said with confidence, as I watched her try to regain her composure. “She wasn’t half bad either, she blew me in the hall way right were your standing, while you were at your parents on Christmas eve. Remember, I told you I was sick and couldn’t get out of bed." The throbbing pain in my jaw reminded me to choose my words a bit more carefully as I talked at her( now I say “at her” simply because she seemed to be ignoring me at this point so to say “to her” would be completely misleading) “Or how about when we snuck out to fuck in her car, when I came to visit you at school.”  This what you wanna hear isn’t it? All of it. This is just what you wanted, The truth.” I cringed a bit inside, unsure of what she was about to do.

She looked dazed, as if I had just landed the knock out punch in this verbal heavy weight title fight. She went down hard, and it was almost too painful to watch.  Her entire world collapsed from within as she fell back onto her knees. Somehow she still managing to form clear and concise words while screaming and sobbing at the same time. 
         
         “Why would you do this to me? Why would you throw everything that we had together away for her.. Is she special, is she a better fuck..? Tell me, do you love her? She continued to shout from the cold floor of the apartment we shared. “Why!?”

         Truth be told it had nothing to do with her best friend. I just knew that it would be the most painful to her, if I actually had slept with her.. The only other person she trusted besides me. But honestly I never even went near the poor girl, she was just the scapegoat. See I said I did; but in good conscious could never bring myself to really sleep with her. I’m not that kind of guy, I don’t really cheat.  I’m just a compulsive liar when it comes to things of this nature, I’d much rather come off like an asshole then to tell seem vulnerable. Tonight’s  timing however, couldn’t have been worse. See as soon as she had opened the door I lost all momentum, I lost track of everything. She was too beautiful, shit I lost all brain function. Even worse than that I forgot plan A.  I didn’t mean to say it, I just panicked. I told her I did though simply because I am too scared to tell her the truth. I would worry day and night that she was fucking other people while at school. I’m neurotic. So I went with plan B; or what I have come to call “Operation Destroy Everything“.  It seemed the easiest way out. Hell I didn’t want this to end, I was head over heels in love with Jen and the worst part is she was in love with me too.Also  I really felt like shit because now she may lose her best friend as well. I am sure she would believe me over Stacey no matter what.  When she accuses her and yells, screams and cries and refuses to listen to Stacey deny all the accusations, not only does she lose me but she will lose her best friend too. 
         
         “Fuck you.. don’t ever call me again, you’re a disgusting fucking mess.”
         
She slammed the door with all the might she could muster, I guess just to make a final statement.  “Happy Anniversary“, I thought as she walked out the door of the apartment that we had shared on and off for the last four years. “The person you loved is dead; and this was the best gift I could have given you, You are now free.” With a loud bang she was gone and the only picture left of us fell to the floor. The frame shattered and left the picture with a large hole cut across the center. The picture was of  us in the woods together, standing on a large rock out in the middle of a stream holding hands. I remember it like it was yesterday. We first met our senior year of high school in a photography class., and had been flirting all year but never made any real attempts to talk. Mr. Hathaway our teacher for the class noticed us eying each other all year and took that initiative for us. He paired us together for the final project, and gave us both a nod of confidence in his choice. The picture you could say it was of our unofficial first date Since then we have been inseparable. Now look at it. A fitting memento for the way things are, broken, and useless.

From there I managed to find the only thing I take comfort in aside from my own misery. A large bottle of Jameson and an empty glass are all that stands between me and the rest of my night. The bottle is almost full, thank god. I say fuck the glass and throw it against the wall. It shatters taking out the lamp on the table, and the room gets a bit darker.  I slump to the spot on the floor were she had sat crying trying to figure everything out, it was still warm from her. I sit and stare at the torn image, taking large mouthfuls of burning brown liquor in hopes of drowning in the bottom of the bottle. Her voice echoed in my head like the line from some old movie , it repeated over and over..“ You were the worst thing to ever happen to me.” Maybe she meant it, maybe she didn’t. I don’t care at this point it was irrelevant.
         
Time seems to slow to a crawl, and I continue to drink even though the room is starting to spin. I stumble over to the desk next to the couch, and open the drawer. I grab a orange prescription bottle of little blue pills. Xanax,  My how I have come to love them at times like these. I make a lousy attempt at reading the warnings on the label sideways.. I think. Wondering what the worst possible outcome could be, I laugh to myself as I toss a handful back and chase it with another mouthful of Jameson. Damn, the bottles almost empty by now. I’m careful as to not to take many though. I check to make sure I still have a few left just in case I somehow make it to tomorrow morning, I am really going to need them. The room starts to dim, and I bask in the glow of the television. I’m not too sure if it’s the Xanax kicking in or I’m dying or I’m just passing out. Either way I feel warm, like I’m in the bath tub or maybe its just that I’m pissing myself. I try to ease my mind with the comforting thoughts of what it might be like to die. Now I don’t believe in God, Allah or Moses or any other religious nonsense for that matter. So what’s in store for a guy like me? I wonder who, if anyone would be at my funeral? What would be my eulogy? Who would speak and what would they say.. Would they lie for me and make seem like a half decent person or tell the truth about how fucked up I really am? This is all I can think of for the last few minutes before things finally go black.

         Ol’ saying goes.. “You hurt the ones you love the most“, and well I happened to be the very definition of that.  I don’t have any attachment to material items or have much use for friends.  Its been my observation over the last few year that they only seem to let you down, no matter how much you or they may think otherwise.  One day; I promise.. They will. Somehow I seem to systematically ruin everything in my life one giant leap at a time. As far back as I can remember I haven’t had much ambition other then to self destruct and destroy myself.  Hell up until recently I didn’t think would live to see past my 23rd birthday. Like most things in my life, when I tried to kill myself I somehow managed to fail at that; not once, not twice but several times. Suicide can be an amazing adventure for some. See when they don’t pull it off, they find themselves and  attempt turn everything around and search for a true purpose in life.  As for me, failure has seemed to be the only consistent force in mine. Its been the only thing to keep me company at night, its been my best friend and my worst enemy; by now, it‘s just who I am.