Smoke

Oh it is cold tonight. The sky had fallen for days but now the sun melts the trees and the grass. It judges itself in the puddles that it has created. A gray squirrel leaps between branches searching for food. A thousand miles away someone has a gun to his own head. Someone is looking down in prayer. I’m sure someone is watching me from someplace light years away. I’m sure someone is judging me. The iciness of an empty space can’t stop the hot look of a stranger.

He walks out of the back door, where no one else can see him. But I can see his thoughts. I watch him struggle to hide his hands in that saggy gray sweatshirt. He pulls out a cigarette and lights its end. A billow of colorless soot floats above him and then jumps on the next gust of wind. It fishtails over a brick wall, around a huge tree, its appendages swimming around each other like a pond full of koi. A stray leaf joins in on the ride.

The black ground cracks under his steps. Flecks of dirt fall away from the ridges of his boots leaving a trail of breadcrumbs along the road. The blue sky above him is menacingly blank.

I can see his thoughts. I can taste his insecurities and smell his faults. I can look into his soul and see the whole world. He thinks the girl in black would be cuter if only she had more of an ass. But he would still fuck her. He hates the way people look at him like they are better. The same breeze carrying away the smoke from his cigarette tosses hair in his face. He curses it under his breath.

This walk has become a routine. His life is routine—wake up, go to class, come back, smoke, go to sleep. Even the fun parts are recycled and reused. He wonders if everyone he sees is living the same cycle. Behind the library, around the fountain, across the road, up the path to his dorm. With a beep and a clank he’s inside.

I wish that I could see through the walls. I can hear him speak.

Yo, he tries.

“Yo!” is echoed back.

Kevin?

Yeah, what’s up?

I don’t know--you guys wanna smoke?

I think that’s the plan, I got laundry in the dryer right now, talk to Alan.

Jesus, he chuckles.

Kevin is the one who started it all. Like Moses, he first led his two friends into the wilderness. They were barely boy scouts then, that first trip, but now they are all three of them bonafide soldiers. Kevin and Alan are roommates.

YO ALAN!

What the fuck do you want? I’m takin’ a shit.

Oh sorry…how’s that going?

He pauses.

I don’t know…normal?

Well that’s good to hear. Dude are we smoking tonight?

Do you have money?

Ha, he half mumbles, do I have money.

So…no?

I have like five bucks.

No, I was just kidding, Kevin already picked some up.

There is silence for a few minutes, just some shuffling of feet and sniffling of noses. I can hear paper crinkling.

Kevin—you rolling those now?

Relax, what are you in a hurry?

No, no I was just sayin’—

Sayin’ you could do a better job?

Hmph, fuck yeah I could.

Haha Fuck you.

They joked around like that all the time. They were constantly taking jabs from each other and, without missing a beat; laughing and countering with better ones. It’s amazing how much cursing has changed over the years, how versatile the words have become.

A buzzer hums in the basement of the dormitory.

You ready? Kevin asks.

Yeah dude whenever—ALAN! Let’s go!

Everything is encased in a shell of ice, even the gooey mud. As they step it shatters and bubbles out around their feet. The rumor surrounding this school has always been that it rains everyday. The truth is that it doesn’t rain everyday; I only wish it did. If I could make it rain I would, but that’s not my job. Not right now. There are far more important things than the weather. If you don’t already know this, you soon will.

The trio trudges through the bog, with the whole school behind them. On the far side they approach a path. The blacktop glistens under orange lamps like Sunset Boulevard. Nights here are almost always peaceful. An ominous hum rides on the breeze; it is the mechanics of a ventilation system from one building or another. The air is crisp, with a hint of spring, though not nearly enough of a hint to avoid the bitter nips on their noses and fingers.

Aren’t you cold man? Asks Kevin.

Hmm? Who?

I’m fuckin’ freezing, replies Alan, out of turn and with a harshness that almost reprimands the world for having seasons at all.

It’s not that bad…I’m used to it, says Jon.

He tucks his hair into the hood of his sweatshirt and then flops it all up onto his head. Immediately he heard himself bragging and trapped his mouth shut. He looks back at Alan who is struggling to fight the forces of gravity and a lack of friction. His sneakers slide out from under him with every step. For every few feet he climbs, he slips back six inches.

This ice is gonna be a bitch on the walk back.

Doesn’t look like your doin’ too well right now. Let’s come back through Mountainview.

Dude that’s so far, Kevin interjects.

It’s totally worth it.

Alan loses his footing and catches the railing just before falling back down the hill.

Whoa, careful there big guy. Alan you wanna walk through Mountainview?

Fuck no.

Awesome, let’s do it.

Haha, I said no.

Yeah that’s ok. We’ll do it anyways.

Yeah, I guess we can, Kevin agrees.

A doe searches in vain for grass near the entrance, two smaller deer follow close behind. Within seconds they are consumed by the darkness of the woods.

I lose sight of the boys as they enter. The heavy wood shrouds them like a fog. A winding chain of smoke snakes up and around the treetops, dissipating into the wind. Some small thing rustles the bushes near them; a squirrel or nuthatch perhaps.

Hold on—you hear that?

What?

Listen.

Again the woods whisper. It tells them some long kept secret of solitude. Or perhaps it’s only the wind this time.

See? Kevin asks again.

Yeah, It’s just the wind.

It’s always the wind…

Until some crazy-ass monster pops out and eats us, Alan adds, half in hope and half in fear.

Imagine? Jon says.

His habit was imagining. For him, and sometimes the other two, each walk was like a movie trailer.

In a world…he continued, using his best dramatically baritone voice, which was never quite dramatic or baritone enough for his liking.

They laughed together and then the woods were silent once more, except for the swooshing of hurried cars that half circled the campus. Part of the road was closed off due to ice, which made a full lap impossible.

What the hell is wind anyways? Jon went on. “Going on” was also one of his habits.

It’s ‘the wind.’ Kevin quipped, laughing.

I mean like, it’s invisible and immeasurable in some regard.

They measure it…wind speed, atmospheres and shit.

Ok science major. But like it’s so deadly, considering it’s just…wind. I guess.

Maybe the wind is the monster, Alan warned. It just circles the earth looking for its next victim.

And furthermore, if that were the case, how would you stop it?

Tanks, said Kevin.

Tanks with sails, we’ll harness its power and use it against it.

With that Alan concluded another ridiculous conversation.

Good call, Jon said. He sparks his lighter and then lets the breeze quaff it. The burning end of a cigarette leads the way through the remainder of the trail. It bobs and stumbles across the frozen mud of the path. The darkness conceals everything around them but for the ember.

Fucking wind.

Their fingers are ghosts and they are silent. The world that they see is all greens and black. There is no one else except them, not on the trail, not in the school, not in the world. The whoosh of cars was lost a half mile ago and now the only words of the woods are loneliness and desolate. Inside their minds they are all alone, together. Only the concrete is colder.

Jesus, how far does this go?

It’ll let us out eventually.

So cold.

Mmhmm.

I have caught up to them after about ten minutes. The sky is blind with clouds and Alan is contemplating crawling up a hill of sheer ice on his hands and knees. At the top of the incline runs the road, closed off by sawhorses and glazed with ice. There is a light powdered snow sprinkled on top, giving it the illusion of friction.

Already on the road Jon and Kevin look back.

Ha you’re going to crawl? Jon asks.

What else can I do?

I don’t know, don’t hurt yourself.

Jon turns to Kevin and raises an eyebrow.

Yeah, let’s help him.

For miles in either direction a film of shiny ice covers six or eight inches of snow. A stick is jutting up out of the ice and Jon yanks it free.

Here, here hold on.

This sucks! Alan replies.

Word. You can grab this and I’ll pull you up.

If I can get up that far.

He’s not going to make it. Kevin concludes.

Alright, see ya later Alan.

Fuck you.

Dude your going to slide down with him…when you pull him up.

Nah, I’m gonna dig my boots into the ice. Leverage.

Alan lunged forward and grabbed the stick. He made it.

Yo, this stick saved your life you should thank it.

Thank a stick?

The stick is waiting…

Thanks stick.

It was true really. He could have died. Anyone could die at any time and at that time he could have died. That stick may have fallen direct from heaven. He should worship it. They all should worship it.

Kevin and Alan walk along the crunchy grass as Jon skates down the road. Mountainview is just ahead.

Look at that. Jon points to the hillside in the distance.

All those friggin’ lights.

It’s like the city.

It is a city.

No I mean New York City.

This place is tiny compared to New York.

I know. We turning here?

Yeah…the lights here are so clean.

Mountainview is just that, a view from a mountain. It also has a view of a mountain behind the campus and the library tower and the Couper building. All of those lights.

It’s like heaven. Kevin exclaims, taking a drag from his cigarette.

When people in heaven die, they go here.

Super heaven.

Shit even their garbage is cleaner.

Look at the size of that dumpster.

I feel like Dante.

And the windows are like ten feet off the ground.

Everything is so white…and pure.

It’s so safe and cozy, like a fucking herpes commercial.

I bet they never get shit stolen.

Why steal when everything is given to you?

Dude they have a friggin’ skate park down there.

It’s perfect.

Why don’t we live here?

As a couple approaches them they stop talking. Some guy and his girlfriend, she is wearing what appears to be his sports jacket, maybe baseball, it’s obviously too big for her and the wrinkles and creases make her look like a bloated, green raisin. She peers directly through them. Her bottom lip, a little more puffy than the girls from Hinman and her hair is only slightly more stylish. The three of them could drown in the pools of her eyes. Her passing seemed like forever to Jon, though it only lasted a few seconds.

He pulled from his cigarette and pushed the smoke straight up. He thought for a moment whether smoke, or anything for that matter, could rise from heaven. What was up there to catch it? But that girls face wouldn’t leave his mind. She was real, he saw her.

That girl was hot.

Of course, she lives in Mountainview. Alan said.

Ha, it’s where all the beautiful people live.

That girl, just the word gave birth to a million thoughts, pictures, sounds, smells.

Yeah. Jon replied. Screw this place.

Yeah, I guess it’s not that great. Agreed Kevin.

They knew that it was but didn’t want to admit it. It was a mansion, on a hill, overlooking the peasants. Kevin had heard that each suite had two bathrooms, with windows. It’s amazing the number of possibilities a simple window can create.

As they crossed back down into their quaint little shantytown, leaving Eden behind them, their minds raced through thoughts of the future.

We could live there you know. Jon proposed matter-of-factly.

Yeah, I mean I don’t mind it here.

It’s cozy.

You mean dreary.

One of the lights goes out beside them and only a circle of darkness exists now. The path changes from concrete to tarmac, from white to black. Those words, white and black, could have been used to mean anything, but they were made opposites, good and evil, heaven and hell. They needed each other to exist, because if the world were all white, how would you know?

Kevin wipes his brow in disgust at the unreliability of the lights and chuckles.

It’s like we have lanterns and they have stadium lighting.

Their light is direct from God.

We have Prometheus’ fire.

I bet Tina comes out here every night to light those.

Jeez, we went from God, to a defier of the gods, to Tina.

Did you say “deifier?” Alan asks.

No, like one who defies…defier.

I’m not so sure that’s a word at all.

Haha, good call.

They tromp through a pile of dirty snow, down the hill to their building. They are very tired. There is a police siren singing in the distance.

Beep, click, whoosh, the handicap door opens for them.

The light leaks out through the glass door, it’s white, but nothing like Mountainview. The hall is mostly silent. Through a closed door someone is yelling.

Are you kidding me? You caught that?

I wonder who that is, Jon quips.

Are you serious?

Not at all. I honestly could care less.

The key clicks.

So what do you guys want to do?

Let’s watch a movie!

No, Mario Kart.

Fuck Mario Kart, Jon and Kevin object in unison.

Huh! How dare you sully the name of Mario Kart.

Come one, let’s watch a movie.

What movie?

A movie of us playing Mario Kart, Alan suggests.

Shut up, no one wants to play.

Let’s ask Army boy.

Yo! What movie should we watch?

A quiet voice replies from somewhere inside.

Some guy shot his girlfriend…

I’ve never heard of it, replies Jon sarcastically.

I’m serious; I just got a text from the school. Someone called in a report of gunfire. The police found her body in the bathtub up at Mountainview.

No one spoke immediately. They all collected their thoughts and ignored their rumbling stomachs. It was a spontaneous moment of silence.

Dude, we were just up there.

Do they know who did it?

Yeah he said it was her boyfriend.

How do they know who that was?

I don’t know.

Hey! How do they know?

Once again the voice replies:

She was wearing his jacket. He played baseball.

Jesus Christ, Jon exclaimed solemnly.

We fucking saw her.

What when? Kevin asks.

We passed her, she…looked at me.

Did she look scared?

No, she looked, I don’t know, normal.

Fuck, I didn’t even really notice.

She had no idea…

Outside the shadow of a squirrel is scattered through the branches as it scurries upward. A meandering smoke cloud looks to heaven. Somewhere, someone has a gun to their head.

I look down, as the whole world looks up.