Contingent Kismet - Chapter 1

Different.  The word cut her like a knife.  She'd always been different, though she didn't know what.  But she knew there was something...  If only she knew what it was, perhaps then she could change it.  The other children could tell she wasn't like them, which lead to her alienation, and often selected her as the subject of their torment.  Perhaps another child would have been friends with her, but befriending her may have led to the sharing of her doom, a chance they had no reason to risk.  Especially not for this weird girl.



Loneliness.



Pain.



Isolation.



While another creature may have turned inward to the darkness, hated themselves and despised those around them, she let her tiny flame shine brightest in the tenebrosity that surrounded her.  When the storm clouds rained down on her she would wait, believing that when it was over she could find a rainbow if she tried hard enough.  When another child was bullied, she would selflessly defend them.  She knew how it felt, and believed perhaps her darker days helped her relate to others.  Selfishly she hoped that, for once, they would reach back when she needed them- but even in adult life she would come to find a symbiotic ally unfathomably rare.  She would become one of these rare, to give what she could not have but hoped to one day find.



How many times had she prayed to be just like everyone else?  A prayer that was never answered.  Though she tried to stay positive, she wished dearly for change.  After days of playing alone on the playground, how many times had she wished she wasn't so strange?  How many nights had she cried herself to sleep knowing that tomorrow would be just like the days before?  But luckily for her she couldn't remember most of that, her childhood was simply a memory omitted from her mind- a door she would only momentarily pause in front of before realizing that the darkness that lay behind it was not worth unleashing.  She never did change, and in fact only became more and more different as facets of her soul surfaced, but instead become quite skilled at hiding it.  By the time she was a teenager she had them all fooled, thinking she was just like the rest of them, but still could not fool the one person who's opinion she valued the most.  Herself.



College.



She was moving a few states away on a loan she'd taken out.  She was majoring in music, it touched her in ways that nothing else could and gave her a release for so many emotions that would otherwise remain entrapped within her.  Her parents had tried to convince her to start at the local community college to get her basic credits and transfer later, but she had her heart set on leaving.  She loved her parents, but even they didn't understand her.  Perhaps any other would have felt sad at leaving everything they knew behind, but Adrianne couldn't wait.  There was nothing here for her, no reason to stay, but every reason to leave.  A new opportunity, people who didn't know her... a new chance!  She could finally leave the old her behind and become someone different, loved and accepted.  She would still remain empathic of course, but here there would be no one linked to her sordid past saturated with seeds of tribulation.  She hugged her parents and kissed them goodbye before walking toward her train.  Passing a man in a dark blue outfit, his topical thoughts revealed to her that he was the conductor and this train was the last on his shift before going home to see his wife.  Pot roast tonight.  "Really?" She questioned herself as always, before her eyes fell upon the golden letters of his hat that read "Train Conductor".  At least she was right about the first part.



After climbing the stairs to the upper level, Adrianne placed her backpack on the shelf above her seat, then began fighting with her over-stuffed duffel bag, squishing it to fit in the space that was just a little too small.  She felt the man at the end of the train watching her.  It made her a bit uncomfortable, why was he staring at her?  She glimpsed at his thoughts and saw that she reminded him of his girlfriend.  He thought of helping her, but it remained just a thought.  The topical thoughts flitting about distracted Adrianne, so she ignored them for now.  With her bag in place she decided it easiest to shove her suitcase under her feet.  Then she had a feeling.  She had to go to the lower deck.  She tried to ignore the feeling, it was probably nothing, just her imagination.  But the feeling wouldn't leave her alone.  How strange would it look for her to just randomly run down to the lower level, stand there for a bit, and run back up the stairs again?  She learned long ago doing things like that only lead to strange looks and trouble.



She took out her spiral and made sure no one was standing below her before "carelessly" dropping her pen between the bars to the level below.  There, now she had a reason.  She felt the attention of several people below her spike as they heard the pen hit the floor, but they only paid attention momentarily before going back to their diversions.  Adriane made her way down the stairs to the pen, noting that the lower level was nearly full.  An elderly lady was standing in front of her, tieing her suitcase to the bar in the overhead, she could feel this woman was on a trip, didn't often take the train, but was looking for excitement in her older years and wanted to try something new, something different than the plane.  The man next to her glared slightly while thinking how careless this girl was and what he'd have said if she hit him.  She doubted he'd actually say those things, or think them if he knew she could hear.  "Alright I'm down here, now what?" Adrianne thought.  She looked her pen over, pretending to examine it for damage.  Really she was stalling for time, trying to make sense of the feeling she had earlier, while feeling uncomfortable as ever.  Just then Adrianne heard the older women in front of her let out a gasp as the train jumped forward knocking her off her feet.  Adrianne dropped the pen and easily caught the woman, and helped her regain her balance.  The lady looked surprised, and then began laughing out of embarrassment chuckling, "Thank you dearie!  It's a good thing you were standing there."  Ah, so that was the reason.



The woman sat in a seat next to her husband... Was it her husband?  Yes, their matching wedding bands confirmed it.  Adrianne climbed the stairs partially lost in her thoughts of what mishap may have happened if she had ignored the feeling.  Well, maybe it was just a coincidence- no she had to stop doubting herself.  But to believe in something so strange, it just didn't make sense.  It happened often enough though, perhaps she ought to trust her intuition more.  No that would be foolish.  She took out her spiral again and began thinking of lyrics, but looking down realized she'd left her pen on the level below.  "Such a scatter brain!" she sighed to herself.