Hammering the Hammerheads

[If you see anything unfamiliar here, the original novel has a few adventures not seen in the movie or on television. Visit Project Gutenberg! http://www.gutenberg.org/files/55/55-h/55-h.htm]

The Lion had been bathed and his hair brushed to within an inch of his life. This wasn't natural to the Leonine condition, yet still in his bearing he retained dignity and courage. The people of Oz remembered that he had once been a companion of the great Scarecrow, appointed to rule the Emerald City in the absense of the Wizard. Then too he was King of the Forest in his own right. Of course rumors about the King of the Forest had preceeded him, but nothing was said to his face. He was admitted to the throne room immediately, and the Scarecrow would decide what should be done.

The Lion looked up at the huge throne. He would have expected a straw Scarecrow to look small and absurd on that huge thone, but it was not so. Any physical threat the lion could have dealt with, but this intimidation wasn't physical.

The Scarecrow scrambled off his throne, ran up to the lion, and gave him a big hug. "Great seeing you again my friend. It really brings back the old days."

The Scarecrow seemed in great spirits - ruling the Emerald city appeared to agree with him. This made the Lion more embarrased to discuss his own difficulties, which seemed to him to reflect upon his courage. He tried to bring up the subject obliquely. "It must be hard ruling a city like this."

The Scarecrow responded cheerfully. "I used to be worried about it, but I'll never forget what Glinda the Good said to me."

For a moment the Scarecrow managed to immitate the gentle yet imperious manner of Glinda the Good.

'By means of the Golden Cap I shall command the Winged Monkeys to carry you to the gates of the Emerald City," said Glinda, "for it would be a shame to deprive the people of so wonderful a ruler.'

'Am I really wonderful?' I asked.

'You are unusual,' replied Glinda.

"At first it seemed kind of rotten for her to treat the people of the Emerald City that way. She didn't test my wisdom or anything, which isn't quite the same as brains anyway. Then I thought about the Wizard who ruled before me. He said his subjects were so terrified they were afraid to enter the throne room, and believed the city to be green because he made them wear green glasses. This seemed unlikely so I had a little talk with my subjects. They said a ruler was much too important to be bothered with little things like making laws and judging in court, so they had taken those tedious duties off the Wizard's hands, especially given his reluctance to appear in public.

"Basically I preside over royal feasts. Once in awhile I settle arguments between the royal philosphers. Some of them tend to use straw man arguments, and I want no competition on that score."

The Lion was impressed. "Wow! Those brains really work!"

The Scarecrow shrugged. "I've had time to think about that. The point about brains is what you do with them. I'm blessed by all the years I spent wishing for a brain - they've given me the desire to think as much as possible. As much as I admire your courage, I hope you haven't been forced to use it, or had the impulse to test it, as much as I use my brain."

Had the Scarecrow guessed his problem? Had rumors and slurs spread even here? The Lion wanted to deny everything, but this was the very problem he needed help with. "At first everyone was very grateful to me for killing the monster, but after awhile I noticed them rolling their eyes when I talked about my courage. To teach them respect, I made them bow down in my presence and say 'Your Majesty' when they addressed me. I wonder if that's why they began suggesting that a mighty king such as I should have no difficulty defeating the Hammerheads at the edge of the forest. I told them I should do so when it was convenient, but I began hearing whispers behind my back."

Although Scarecrows don't breath, this one contrived to sigh. "My old friend, I shall help you if I am able, but after this I hope you will entertain a policy of noblesse oblige."

"Take it easy with that brain buddy."

"How about we'll fix this together, and you treat your subjects with respect hereafter?"

The Lion scratched his head. "I see what you mean, so we wouldn't have to bother Glinda the Good every week."

The Scarecrow said, "To ask Glinda the Good we'd have to get past the Hammerheads. Can I offer you some dinner so we can talk over dealing with this ourselves?"

"What do you eat in Oz nowadays?"

"Sometimes we offer Lions steak tartare."

"Hold the tartare if you please."

After dinner they prepared for the journey. The Lion said he saw well in the dark, and the toches might be dangerous. He didn't see the need for featherdusters, or whistle, or thumbtacks, or hard wooden shoes. Before he could discuss this in depth with the Scarecrow, he became distracted by a discussion of how much food they should pack. Lions eat more than Scarecrows.

The easiest part of their journey was along the yellow brick road. At length they needed to enter the forest. While still out of reach of thrown apples, the Scarecrow spoke loudly. "I wish I had doused myself in water before coming here. If I have to stand far away to avoid sparks while my friend the Lion gets pelted with apples until he can use this torch to convince the trees we're serious, I'll be in a very bad mood. I might even call the army and have them set the forest ablaze, then cross over the charcoal later. It would be a pity to lose my temper like that."

At first there was a whispering noise, like wind in the treetops. Then a deep voice spoke. "We would hate for you to have that on your conscience. You may pass. Care for some apples to eat on your way?"

Thus they passed through the forest in peace. At length they came to a smooth and featureless white wall. The Scarecrow called, "I've got two featherdusters! All we want is someone to guide us safely through and out the other side!"

A crack opened in the wall, revealing a hidden door.

The Scarecrow told the Lion, "Trading with these people is tough. So far feather dusters are the only things I've been able to discover that china figurines want that we have."

The Lion replied, "We didn't worry about that last time."

"We didn't know last time, but I doubt Glinda the Good would like us barging uninvited through people's property and damaging it. Last time we damaged a church and injured a cow."

The door was fully opened. Before them stood a Herald in military dress uniform, complete with a trumpet. He was made completely of china and about two inches tall. He had no trouble closing the door behind them, so the hinges must have been very well made.

The Herald lead them through dainty china country, not by the most direct route, but always by a path where there was sufficient room for the Lion's tail to swing freely without damaging anything. The Lion had to admit to himself it was fascinating to watch them work and play without fear. Last time he had passed this way the inhabitants had fled for fear of being broken.

The Lion asked the Herald, "Those winged people flying overhead. They can't be made of china, can they?"

The Herald looked up. "But they are. Precious Moments figurines."

They saw many other wonders, china horses and carriages, china children playing, and delicate little china houses. The Lion was almost sorry when they had reached the far door.

The Scarecrow wished their guide and his people good forture.

The reply was unhappy. "This seems unlikely. The Hammerheads are demanding we pay them tribute, or they will batter down our wall."

"Cheer up! The situation is not so bad as you think. I have friends in the Dainty China Country, and reason to believe something will come up soon."

The Herald did not seem much comforted as he ushered them out the door.

Next they passed through the forest of which the Lion was king. The trip was rather somber, for he was not ready to meet any of his subjects right now. When they crossed out of the forest they came to a grim and rocky hill. All the Hammerheads were in ambush, but the Scarecrow and the Lion knew that behind every large rock was a humanoid, quite short and stout and with a big head, which was flat at the top and supported by a thick neck full of wrinkles. But no arms at all.

Unfortunately they were more formidable than they looked. Their heads lashed out like hammers, with a surprising range. Only the aid of the Flying Monkeys had enabled the party to fly over them.

The Lion paused. "Your brain has done well for us up until now. I wish it could find victory here as well, although I cannot imagine how."

The Scarecrow pulled boxes of thumbtacks out of his pack, and threw great handfuls of them onto the hill, everywhere he could reach. Scarecrows are not hurt by thumbtacks.

The Lion said, "That is clever, since their feet are as vulnerable as their heads are tough. Unfortunately their necks stretch so long they do not need to come down to us, but only wait for us to climb."

Not yet repling, the Scarecrow pulled a whistle out of his pack. "Blow on this, if you please. Scarecrows do not have breath."

The Lion blew three mighty blasts on the whistle, though he didn't know what good it might do. Soon he saw tiny angelic figures in the air, and guessed they must be from the Dainty China Country.

The Lion exclaimed, "Now that is courage I will gladly salute, yet if any come low enough to strike the hammerheads, it will be instantly shattered."

Then the tiny angels began dropping rocks on the hammerheads. Although the rocks were too small to do much damage, so the hammerheads became frustrated by their inability to retaliate. They charged downwards towards the Lion and the Scarecrow, who clearly played a role in their troubles.

Then the thumbtacks came into play. The hammerheads screamed in pain and frustration as their feet were punctured. Worse yet, they had no hands to pull out the thumbtacks. The largest screamed the worst words ever heard in Oz. "I am King of the Hammerheads, and I say darn you to heck! Oh Foot Foot Foot. Poop!"

The Lion was shocked and enraged by these horrible words. Then he remembered the wooden shoes the Scarecrow had insisted on packing. He pulled them out and put them on his feet. Then he strode courageously into the midst of the jumping and hopping and screaming hammerheads. All were too distracted to attack him, except two who lashed out after he strode between them. They were too late, and their heads crashed together. This started the maddened hammerheads fighting among themselves.

The Lion struck the King three mighty blows, and knocked him to the ground. Since the King had no arms to help him get up, it was easy for the Lion to pin him to the ground.

"Now you must swear allegiance to me, and promise to leave your neighbors in peace forevermore!"