Who am I?

In describing to myself what my life has become, I was wondering if anybody knows me.  So complex and yet so childishly simple, my current adventure has no life left in it.  Where did it go?  Where did I go?  Do you know me?

Was life ever simple?  I seem to recall some simple times, happy times, people in my life who have gone...and somehow taken me with them.  Each of them has taken something, I've given it freely.  And then there are others who tag along with me, enhancing the joys I've experienced, the sorrows I've endured.  Most of them are carried inside, in a special memory bank.  Most of them have left their lives as we all must do.  I'm not religious but I wonder at so many things.  What is conciousness?  It is not something that we can see, or touch, it just is.  Is that what is meant by the soul?  Is conciousness completely attached to the physical being?  Instinct tells me it is, but then I still wonder...

I don't know how I became what I am, so many things all rolled into such a confusing package.  Hey, maybe that's it, maybe I haven't become what I'm going to be quite yet.  Time is running faster than ever, but I can still catch a glimpse of what it used to be.  It's the smile of recognition on a baby's face, it's a light switched on in the mind, it's the satisfied craving of a child for a toy, a meal, a hug.  To learn, to live and most importantly to truly love.  A freshly seeded garden, ready to reach up to take in everything around.  Needing the sun for warmth, the day for work, the night for rest, the moon...to dream.

So, who am I?  That's a complex question and if you can figure it out, please let me know.  I can give plenty hints, all the information needed to unravel this dark mystery.

Let's see...
I am a child, tiny, trusting, curious.  I'm exploring everything I can reach,  If I can't reach it, I'll work until I can.  There are bugs on the highest tree branches, I know, I've been there.  No matter how hard you try, you cannot make the swing go over the top pole.  You really can get your tongue stuck to cold metal, my brother lost quite a few taste buds when I dared him to put his tongue on the aluminum storm door, covered with frost.  Watermelons don't smash as much as you'd think when being thrown from a trestle.  Neighborhood friends are extended family.  Team work can accomplish anything.  You've gotta be tough to survive. 

These are the first hints on the beginning of my journey into the deepest parts of who I am.  Will you join me on that journey?

It's days before Christmas, my husband moved out last week.  Six weeks ago I lost a close family member, who also happened to be a good friend.  I have a new grandbaby, one of the few joys in my life right now.  The other joy is her sister, now twelve.  Of course my children, they are my one true accomplishment, they've made me proud.

Beyond that, I have not much left. $200.00 in the bank, $200.00 dollars in my purse, Christmas gifts to purchase.  One month shy of getting the small mortgage needed to stay in my home.  And then yesterday happened.  I was just begining to try and settle in to a life alone with my dog.  I could be okay, I make enough money to pay the bills and was getting a modest deal in our settlement.  As long as I was able to keep my house, I would be fine.  This is my home, where my heart resides.  I come here to escape the hurt, the pain, the madness of the world.  It's private, modest, roomy.  And most of all, affordable.

But yesterday, I lost my job.  I am in my fifties, strange resume, nothing to look forward to but maybe getting a job at the local Wal-Mart.  Living in a small apartment, lingering into old age, depending on social security, to die poor, alone, ashamed.  Or maybe even living off the charity of relatives, my children.

I have so much more inside, so much I haven't done, so many things I haven't seen.  And so I begin a new chapter in my life.  A journey into the world, in my car, just me and my dog.  I can sell my settlement back to my husband and request half of that in cash.  I'll probably have enough money to move around for about a year.  Maybe I can find myself somewhere out there, a new adventure, something to live for.

I am writing to ask if anyone would be interested in reading my weekly journal, as I travel about.  Meeting people, finding odd jobs, surviving in a different way.  Maybe to return to my life one day, or maybe to find something else, out there, in the world.  I'm leaving everything I know to find out who I really am in different surroundings.  I will start with people I know who will give me a bed for a night.  I will map out my trek as it comes, no plan except to find what I've been looking for and have never quite been able to pin down.  Peace, quiet enough to think, populated enough to experience different ways of life, different people, different everything.

As I write my daily log, I will also relate the rest of what got me here in the first place.  One chapter every week.  I've had one hell of a journey to this point and am ready for something new.  Will you help me to answer my question?

Who am I?