The Moment of Truth

A couple days ago, I was confronted with one of my biggest fears as a mother, the realization that my daughter was having sex. In a sense I have known for a couple of weeks. There were those telling moments, during conversation, actions – those things that hinted that she was no longer the pure baby that she once was.  It was one of those moments when something clicked, and you decided to just go with the flow and asked the heart wrenching question. All she said, with a beautiful smile on her face was “come out things”. At that moment I knew two things, one that this poor child did not know how to tell a lie, even at a time when it would have been more palatable for her mother to bear and that she had experience a most precious thing with some one whom she had very special and deep feelings for. At this moment she believes that she is in love.

I was not caught unaware, I had raise her to good for that, lucky me.  Two months prior we had had a most interesting discussion about sex and how she felt about her boyfriend whom she had met four months prior.  From that moment, I knew that he would be the one to make a difference in her life. That change from innocent child to a sexual being.  He had the looks, six foot, five inches tall – handsome as the devil and with just as much charm and arrogance. 

She had met him close to one year ago, he caught her eye and she fell instantly in love When she came home, she could hardly contain her self. She described everything about him and said to me “mom, I just have to meet him”.  She found out everything about him, his name, where he was attending school and which extra curricular activities he participating in.

He was a member of the local youth parliament and she became a member. Several weeks she attended and as fate would have it, he did not attend. Then one day, he finally showed up. She was beside herself with what to do and how to approach him.  In a sense, it took me back several decades to a time when I also met a boy who blew my head away.  Richard was tall, light in complexion and had beautiful rainbow eyes. Although primarily light brown, when you looked into them, they represented every colour spectrum of the rainbow. And when I first laid eyes on him at sixteen years old, I knew he would be a significant part of my life.

Like Ashley, my older daughter, I pursued him and although he wasn’t the one to deflower me, that honour was given to Simon two years prior, he was definitely the one who took my young heart. Some thirty years after, I till yearn for him in a way that I need no other. And when I look at the beautiful child we made together, my second child, I always remember that day when I first saw him, the smile he give me and the few flippant but complimentary words he said to me.

He too was charming and arrogant as the devil and it seems to be those personalities which appeal to me and my offspring the most.  I often said that certain things, begat each other with mother and child. Early teenage pregnancies especially – more times than not when the mother had the daughter at this stage, like some form of determinism, the child gets a child during her early teens. It seems from several scores of mothers and daughters that I have observed,t it is an inevitable cycle that cannot be broken.

So Ashley pursued Rasheed with youthful vigour, and finally she was able to catch his attention.  They both were on the same email list and he contacted her. That would have been one of the most ecstatic moments of her young life. She could not contained herself as she said “mommy, he asked me to add him to my hi5”.  Her once innocent and peaceful world was not the same after that.

They talked for several hours each day, one thing followed another and they went out, became friends and then the moment came when he asked her to be, the one special girl. Naturally, she could not resist. He was introduced to me and I just knew that he would not meet the same fate as the others before him. He would not be dated for six months and then be unceremoniously tossed out for some minuscule disagreement. My child is very argumentative and strongly opinionated and even discussion between the two of us usually ends with a stalemate as we never agree on anything at the moment of discussion.

Usually, it takes her several months to realize that I was right or the advice was sound and then she would grudgingly say to me that it was. Well, no complaints, I have raised a beautiful child who is very intelligent, after all she is a country and regional scholar. Her skills of observation and perception are extremely strong and she has a maturity I lacked at her age.

How then do I not respect her decision? She had discuss having sex with Rasheed several weeks prior and all I could do was to enlightened her about the pros and cons about entering into a sexual relationship especially in light of the times that we live in. I told her with having sex comes responsibility and she needed to examine the consequences. Like the philosopher I am, I told her that if she could not deal with the potential consequences of sex, i.e. pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and the dreaded HIV/AIDS then she should not get into it. I reminded her of the Christian values which she held so dear and pleaded with her not to make a rash decision which was hormonal and heart induced. However, I told her which ever choice she made I would be there for her.

My heart was ripped apart; nothing in life prepared me for that moment or this one. Life is cruel and unfair – but life is life. Although we often search for the meaning of life, in the back of our minds we know that we exist because we are suppose to advance the species and unfortunately, that is done through procreation. So from the time a girl reaches puberty, she is under constant pressure from her hormones to do what is ever so natural but what western society forbids at that tender age.

How can we fight nature? Morality urges us to reason and to make the right decision within the context of the society which we live. Religion teaches that we should live a life sanctioned by the bible and God. Yet, we know from the bible that it is the sin of Eve which brought us to this point and that Jesus give his life so that we would not be judged to harshly for this sin most of us usually commits.

The question remains however, how do I deal with this truism that my baby, whom I have given birth to some seventeen years ago, is now living a sexual life? Although, I am not obsessive about it, several questions pop into my mind, such as did he use a condom, how did she feel, was it painful for her? How often does she intend to take part in this act? Does he love her? And yes, I know – it’s all the irrational ramblings of a mother who cannot bear the thought that a man has desecrated the virginity of her first born.

It is a moment I dreaded for the pass seventeen years. And yet, it did not tear my world apart, because just like nature has determined that she will have sex, it has also determined that I know that it is inevitable. Moreover, in the age that we live, having sex as a teen is a truism which is realized usually sooner than later. I will therefore comfort myself with the thought that at least she was honest and open with me, and I will pray to God to keep us in this relationship whereby we can communicate about all things regardless to how distasteful or hard to accept that they may be.