Blinded by the Spite

I have spent a lot of my life hating you,
Please don't feel singled out by this statement
I have hated plenty of others with vigor also
You're not that special or lucky

Blinded by the only way that I could feel good,
Was to somehow, someway, make you feel bad
A pretty sad place to be in ones life
It was the truth though, sadly it was

These feelings were based on imagined hurt
Suspicion and fear led me around by the nose
Mistrust sat on my right shoulder, paranoia on my left
How could I feel any differently with these constant companions

Real or imagined hurt resulted in making me angry,
Fear raised the level to full blown rage
Just ask the drywall and door panels that felt the fury of my fists
Better them than you, although it wasn't always that way and I wasn't that sure

I personally suffered the most from these feelings
The isolation and hardness of my being extracted a high price
Deep inside I craved your love and attention
Outwardly, I could not let you see it mattered to me

Personal signs of weakness were not to be tolerated
Cold ramparts and parapets had to be built to keep you out
I did not perceive that they would also keep me captive
Teetering on the precipice of madness from the sheer isolation

The coldness that loneliness was caused me to ache
It wore me down and made me aware of my humanness
I succumbed to the idea that I had to have you in my life
Sitting in the dungeon of despair, hopelessly lost, trapped

Fearfully crying out to anyone who might hear, desperate
Afraid that someone might not answer and I die alone
Terrified more so that someone would and I would live
The Great Truth answered my fearful utterance

No longer blinded by the spite I have found that
It is not that way today for me and in turn for you
It is far easier to love someone than to hate them
It consumes less energy and a lot less ambition

It is the right thing to do for me and for others
It has filled my life with meaning and purpose
It has demolished the cold ramparts and parapets
Leaving a mere smoking pile of rubble that is my past

The Great Truth had always been there, I had turned away