If it weren't impossible, I'd...

If it weren't impossible, I'd ......


If it weren't impossible, I'd help children who have been neglected and abandoned by their father. All children need a balance in their lives of having a mother and father. Often times, things happen in a relationship between two people that have children and decide to separate. But where does this leave the children? In these circumstances, children are always affected by the decisions their parents make. Although, most parents assume that children will be able to adapt to this change, but no child is prepared to adapt to having an absent father in their life. Most children are resilient and very forgiving. However, it's difficult for any child to embark in an unplanned situation.
My childhood was full of lies and broken promises. I didn't know what happened between my mother and father, but things sure did change during the summer of 1976. My sister and I were sent to visit my grandparents that summer. We were too young to understand the realism of the situation, we just assumed it was our summer vacation and we did enjoy ourselves. By the end of that summer when we returned home, our world was turned upside down. My sister and I were faced with a shocking surprise that we were unprepared for - my father moved out. Instead, my mother was flaunting around with another man who she claimed was a friend of hers. As a young girl I was confused and did not understand who this person was, but we were too happy to see my mother and little brother. It was ironic that two people would split months after having a baby and seeing my mother with someone else surely didn't help the situation. This was all too confusing for any child to endure, but kids tend to adapt quickly to change and new faces - so we did.
As the years past and I became a young woman it was clear to me that the thoughts of having my father in my life were starting to fade. My teenage years were a bit difficult for me as well. I became rebellious and resentful toward people. I wasn't a bad person, but I was trying to deal with the challenges of being a teenager - school, friends, home, and being accepted. But what was even more important was the secret I kept for so many years, a secret that still stays with me today.
My childhood consisted of lies, betrayal, broken promises, neglect, abandonment, and violation. We received letters from my father when we were young, but the letters soon stopped. I was eight years old when my father wrote to wish me a happy birthday. That would be the last letter I'd receive from him. This was a major disappointment for a young girl who all she wanted was to have her father in her life. She often felt so alone and could not find a means to escape the chaos she endured at home. The only way she found to help her deal with it all was to fantasize of being away from it all. The fantasies satisfied her anguish and comforted her at night as she cried herself to sleep.
Picture this - nine years old and experiencing changes with her body that was too confusing to understand at that age. In addition to these changes, things became difficult at home, too traumatizing to discuss with anyone. What was even more dreadful for me at that age, was not only that my body experienced some odd changes, but why did these changes have to include my stepfather. Yes, I said it and I'm sure you all have an imagination to put the pieces together in that puzzle. These changes occurred often, up until I turned eleven years old. It took a long time to for me to determine that it was wrong and not my fault. All I wanted was to escape this madness and cried out to my father to come and rescue me. He never came to my rescue. How upsetting this phase in my life was and trying to find several ways to deal with it. I didn't have anyone to turn to for help, so I felt alone and abandoned. If my father was in my life, I knew that he would have protected me and taken me away from this hurt. It was in high school that I realized that my past experience as a child was a violation. I couldn't understand this years ago, but it became clear to me of what happened. We can't go back to change our past, but we can find ways to heal ourselves.
My healing process started when I decided to make a difference in my life. Writing became therapeutic for me. I started to write and did not withhold my secret any longer. By doing so, it gave me the strength to move forward with my life and explore the opportunities of helping others. I'd like to get involved with children's groups that assist children in dealing with neglect, abandonment, and violation. It took a very long time to come forward and reveal this secret. Although, there's more to my life that needs to be told, I'll write one story at a time. This is 'why I write'.

Vicky