The Gross Factor

This is the 2nd article in an editorial series I plan to include in a book dealing with different aspects on society (especially life and relationships).  All articles are factual, with names changed.  No non-fiction here!

A small poof of air sounds its way into the atmosphere, followed by a barely perceptible yet still unpleasant smell.  “Did you just fart?” Michael asks incredulously. 
Myri quickly denies it, but her smile gives her away.  “Ewww, you did!  That’s gross,” he says.
“Is it any less gross when you do it?” Myri retorts.
“That’s not the point,” Michael continues.  “Women don’t do things like that.”

Do things like what?

Let me take this opportunity to point out some facts.  It is a fundamental rule that women do not partake of “gross” activities.  Women do not retreat to the ladies’ room for any other reason than to powder their noses.  You know that abundance of toilet paper that goes missing every other day?  Women use it all up removing their lipstick. 
Women store boxes of Kleenex on their nightstands so they can conveniently dry their tears rather than blow their noses.  Nothing should flow from a woman’s face besides water and mascara, right? 
Real women do not, on occasion, use their infamously long fingernails to dislodge an especially annoying booger from its perch.  Women do not fall victim to wedgies; they simply wear thongs so there is never a need for readjustment.  Women do not perspire; especially not those who keep in shape by running five-mile stretches or five o’clock corporate meetings.  A real woman under stress reeks of roses and vanilla.  What most people perceive as pit stains are, to the romanticizing male eye, shadows of shoulder pads incorrectly inserted. 
Walking barefoot does not roughen a woman’s sole.  Strappy stilettos do not give the wearer corns.  In fact, a woman’s hands and feet are impeccably smooth, the only exception being the occasional—nay, inevitable—broken nail. 

REALITY CHECK!  Women stink.  Really, we do.  We piss, fart, sweat, and blister our toes just as much—well, perhaps a little less than—guys.  The point is we do it.  “Gross” may not be in our vocabulary—except when referring to a pair of purple croc shoes anchoring a grey sweater suit—but it is in our living.  So get a grip guys!  Women are not all rainbows and butterflies.  We are not always pretty to look at and soft to the touch.  We are living organisms and, just like every other living organism, have biological functions to go along with our seemingly flawless genetic makeup. 
Here is my command to you all: Guys, accept it.  Women are never going to stop needing insoles, deodorant, or frequent pit stops.  It’s built into their nature.  Women, embrace it.  Do not be afraid to “let ‘er rip” once in a while.  Just not in the elevator please.