The Angel Dave

The Angel Dave

BRING...BRING... BRING...
         My name is Christopher King. It's 5:25am and that's my alarm clock.
BRING... BRING... BRING...
         If I get up now I'll have time for a cup of coffee before I head off to work.
BRING... BRING... BRING...
         Goddamn it, I hate my job... and my life.
BRING... BRING... BRI!
         I hit snooze on the stupid fucking thing and forgo the coffee for 7 more minutes in bed....
BRING... BRING... BRING...
         It's 5:32am and I have to get up and go to work and cook breakfast for one hundred and twenty paying customers. I really hate my job and my life. I flirt briefly with the idea of calling in sick but if I do that I'll lose a days pay and if I lose a days pay this week won't be able to make rent next week and I'm on thin ice with the landlady as it is... God I hate my life. I consider suicide, possibly run a hot bath, attach a bunch of extension leads together so I can take the toaster in with me but I'd probably mess it up somehow and just end up paralyzed or horribly burnt or impotent or something. Goddamn it I hate my life.
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
         I must have dozed off again cause now it's 6:03am and I should have been at work 3 minutes ago. I clean my teeth, put in my contacts, dress and am out the house and in the car in 7 minutes flat. Works 15 minutes away but at this time of the morning I can make it in ten.
         Six minutes later I'm explaining to the only policeman in Britain who's up and handing out speeding tickets at six in the morning why I was doing 84 miles per hour along the A38 when I know that I should only have been doing 70. He seems to take great pleasure in the fact that I'm now even later than I was, bastard.
         It's 6:45am when I finally make it into the kitchen, I'm 45 minutes late and breakfast service starts in quarter of an hour. I have one hundred and twenty Full English's to cook and the ovens aren't even warmed up yet. God I hate my life.
         Somehow I survived breakfast service and the day proceeded from there as it normally does: 9:30am clean down from breakfast. 10:00am Start on the sandwiches for the lunchtime buffets. 10:30am throw the staff lunch in the oven. 11:30am get it out and feed the ungrateful bastards. God I hate my life. 11:32am Finish off the sandwiches and start on the room service and bar fridge, throw away the old prep, fill it up with new prep. God I hate my life. 12:04pm First sandwich order of the day from the bar. Ham and mustard on brown, no coleslaw. Do that, then send it out and then on comes the next one and the next one. God I hate my life. 1:40pm and the orders have quieted down, clear up the mess and go and get the bollocking from the head chef for being 45 minutes late. I try and explain to him about the speeding ticket but as far as he's concerned that's my problem not his. He says his biggest problem today is trying to explain to his boss why his staff can't get to work on time. He gives me a “verbal warning” and tells me never to let it happen again. God I hate my life.
         2:07pm work is done and I'm on my way back to my car, for the first time all day I don't hate my life quite so much, at least work is over with for today and I can go home and try and relax. Yeah, the rest of the day is my own.
         2:08pm I'm standing next to my car looking in disbelief at the shattered glass on the passenger seat from the window that used to be in the door and the gaping hole in the dash where my stereo used to be. God I hate my fucking life! I should probably go back into work, get a dust pan and brush to sweep up the glass, ring the police, check to see if the CCTV camera on the other side of the car park saw the shit who did this to me but I just can't be bothered. I'm too pissed off and fed up to go back into work and explain the situation and have people fake concern and pity and I hate the bastards too much right now to ask for their help. Instead I open the drivers door, pull the sleeve of my hoodie over my hand and sweep the few glass particles that made it onto the driver's seat onto the floor, then I fire up the engine and floor it and I'm off and on my way home. God I hate my life.
         It's 2:17pm and I'm on the 38, the speedo's reading 80 when the man sitting in my passenger seat appears out of nowhere.
         “What the fuck? How did you, where did you come from?” I manage.
         “I'd slow down if I were you.” is his response.
         “What? Slow down?” I'm a little stunned by his sudden and seemingly miraculous appearance and my words are not as articulate as they might be.
         “Yeah, slow down mate, the cop who gave you a ticket this morning is sat about half a mile up the road with his mobile speed camera and your doing 80.”
         “The cop? How do you know about that, look who are you?”
         “Just fucking slow down will you!” he shouts this time and finally I slow down. We round a bend and pass the cop car. The man in my passenger seat appears to be a little annoyed with me:
         “For goodness sake! I've been here less than two minutes and already I've cursed, I'll be in deep trouble for that when I get back you know. We're supposed to set an example when we're down on earth. My supervisor is going absolutely furious with me.”
         “What are you talking about? Who are you and how did you get in my fucking car?”
         “I'm an angel alright? A guardian angel to be precise.”
         “An angel? Fuck off!” I'm not convinced.
         “Charming... Just chill out okay, concentrate on the road or your going to get us both killed and that will be a real pain for me and even worse news for you. Lets just get back to yours in one piece and if you'll be kind enough to invite me in for a cup of tea I'll explain everything then.”
         I'm not sure if I believe what I'm hearing but then he did appear from nowhere and he seems to be talking sense. At this point a worrying thought crosses my mind. It's been a very, very stressful day and just possibly my mind has snapped. What's more likely my guardian angel come down from heaven sat next to me in my car or that I've lost my mind? Shit, I don't like those odds. I think about this for a moment and decide I'm gonna have to put this fella to the test. We're pulling off the 38 when I ask him:
         “So your my guardian angel then?”
         “Well yes, but I look after a large number of humans so I'm not like exclusively your guardian angel. But yeah my job title upstairs is Guardian Angel”
         I never really imagined angels would have job titles and I think he mentioned something earlier about having a supervisor. More and more this sounds like something my wired brain has invented. I'm gonna have to pull over and ask someone else to verify whether he's really sat next to me or not.
         “So, umm... sorry I didn't get your name?”
         “Oh yeah I'm the angel Dave”
         The angel Dave! That's it I must be crazy. Dave? Surely that's not a name a real angel would have? There's two teenagers walking on the pavement up ahead, I'm gonna ask them if he's really here. But first I need to check something.
         “So then Dave, can everybody here on earth see you, or it it just me?”
         Dave chuckles to himself before he answers.
         “Your questioning your own sanity aren't you?”
         “Umm... might be... it's been a stressful day... look just answer me please.”
         “Well Chris you'll be happy to hear that yes everybody can see me as I appear to you and if you pull over by those two lads up ahead chances are they'll confirm that I'm really here and that in fact you're not crazy. Although you will look a bit crazy to them asking if they can see the man sat next to you.”
         Shit, Dave's one step ahead of me.
         “Well I don't care about that, in fact I'll be more worried if they say they can't see you.”
         I pull the car over and wind down the window to shout to the two teenagers across the street.
         “Excuse me lads”
         “Yeah what mister?” One of them responds.
         “Can you do me a quick favour?”
         “What?”
         I feel ever so slightly foolish at this point, but I tell myself the ends justify the means even if the means mean looking like a bit of a tit.          
         “Can you just tell me if there is a man sitting in the passenger seat of my car, I've had a stressful day you see?”
         The look on the youth's face is one of surprise mixed with suspicion and perhaps even a touch of fear and I can tell that he had not been expecting to be asked that question. No, not one bit. Still, after a second he composes himself and finally gives me his answer.
         “Yeah, there's a geezer sat next to you.”
         With that he turns and hurries away. Dave is chuckling to himself again. Dave the guardian angel! Dave the guardian angel is sat chuckling to himself in my passenger seat. I check my mirrors, indicate and pull away. We'll be home soon and I have an overwhelming urge to offer Dave a cup of tea and get to the bottom of all this.
         It's 2:29pm as I pull into the the drive way. I kill the engine and ask him
         “So Dave, would you like to come in for a cup of tea”
         “That would be lovely”
         We head into the house and I put the kettle on, I feel a little embarrassed about the state of the kitchen but I'm glad to find enough milk for two brews in the fridge.
         “Do you take sugar?”
         “Two please”
         For some reason it seems a bit strange that Dave takes sugar, I suppose I always thought that sugar in tea was a little bit sinful, but I guess not. I pass Dave his tea and take a sip of mine. Dave's a bit quiet and I don't really know how to get the conversation going.
         “So Dave... umm... well... err... Dave what's a fucking angel doing in my kitchen drinking tea?”
         “Well Christopher, I really enjoy tea you see, of all the pleasures you humans get here on earth tea is probably my favourite and I try and partake every time I'm down here.”
         “Okay... but...” I'm struggling here, there's a lot I want to understand I just don't know where to start, fortunately Dave cuts me off.
         “...But what is an angel doing here? Right?”
         I nod.
         “Well basically Chris, You popped up on our systems earlier in the day as a red flag, someone we're in danger of losing so I'm here to try and give you a bit of a boost. A bit of a pep talk if you will, to try and make sure you don't succumb to the temptations of the devil. If you want to get all Biblical about it that is”
         “A red flag? On what systems? And what temptations? I don't understand.” I didn't understand what the angel Dave was talking about but he tried to clear things up for me.
         “Clearly. Look we have computer systems up in heaven that monitor all you humans and...”
         “Wait you have computers in heaven”
         “Well yeah of course, there are 8 billion people on earth and we keep tabs on all of them, can you imagine if we kept all those records on paper?”
         “Hmm... I suppose but... who makes your computers?”
         “Well it certainly isn't Microsoft but look just let me talk here and try and save your questions for when I've finished, I'm a busy guy okay?”
         “Okay.”
         “So as I was saying you popped up on the system as a red flag. A red flag is a person of importance that we are in danger of losing to the other side. Somebody who because of how there life is going could be tempted away from the path of the righteous and become one of the wicked.”
         I know Dave had said to listen and save my questions for later but I couldn't.
         “Hold up Dave, I'm one of the righteous? And I'm important? Are you sure you've got the right guy?”
         “Chris, we don't make mistakes okay? You are righteous enough, you have a good heart, you treat people with respect, you know the difference between right and wrong and up till now you've pretty much always stuck with what you know is right. And as far as importance goes at some point we are going to need you, for what I honestly don't know, I'm not privy to that information. But I can say that we are definitely going to need you for something at some point.”
         We were both quiet now, thirty seconds ago I was all questions but now things seemed to have gotten awfully serious all of a sudden. Just my luck a guardian angel turns up on one the worst days of my life and says he wants a favour from me!
         “I don't get it, what on earth could I do for you?”
         “Not for me Chris, for God, for the good guys. Look I probably shouldn't be telling you this but the end of the world probably isn't too far away. World war, global warming, bird flu, something big is gonna happen and once it has the big guy upstairs and his opposite number in hell are gonna pick sides and then they are gonna settle it once and for all and like I say God has marked you as one of the people he wants on his side.”
         I'm not sure how you are supposed to respond to being told that the end of the world is rapidly approaching and once it has happened that God will need some kind of a favour from you. That kind of thing could simultaneously scare a man witless and inflate his ego something awful. Still the angel Dave was sipping his tea and seemed to be looking to me to say something.
         “Shit me!” I said.
         “Yeah, I know, heavy stuff huh?”
         “Dave I...”
         “Look Chris, I know after hearing all that what I'm gonna ask for you to do next will be quite hard but I want you not to worry about all that end of the world stuff for now. It's not happening yet so you might as well enjoy life as much as you can right?”
         “I guess, but...”
         “But nothing buddy. Forget about it. In the mean time I'm gonna do you three small favours to help cheer your life up a bit so you can stop going on about how much you hate it. Firstly I'm gonna fix your car window and stereo for you. Second I'm gonna make that speeding fine go away and third I'm gonna give you this.”
         Dave reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out an envelope which he passed to me.
         “What is it?”
         “It's an application form for a new chefs job. Fill it out and send it off and you'll get the job. You'll like it a lot more and they'll be some great looking girls there. Play your cards right and maybe one of them will see fit to fuck you. Oh horseshoes! I just cursed again didn't I?”
         “Yeah, you did... but Dave I have a question.”
         “Well go ahead and ask it then buddy like I said I'm a busy guy.”
         “Well isn't fucking outside of marriage kind of a sin?”
         “Well, yes and no Chris, if you use somebody and hurt them then that's bad and God doesn't like it at all. But if you love someone, or really, really like someone and they like you back then it's fine to go ahead and have sex with them. I tell you what is a sin though?”
         “What's that?”
         “The fact it costs you upwards of £20,000 for a nice wedding in this crazy country of yours! It's no wonder that there's so much sex outside of marriage these days. This place has gone materialism mad. Look Chris, I got to go buddy, you feeling okay now?”
         I suppose I was, I now knew that the end was not nigh, but at least somewhere around the next cosmic bend and that I was to play some - presumably very small - part in it and this knowledge was very, very scary indeed but I now had more faith than at any point in my entire life and that felt, well it felt nice, it made me feel warm and fuzzy and loved.
         “Yeah I guess I am. Thanks for the help Dave.”
         “No problem Chris. Remember now chin up yeah, don't be tempted by the dark side and enjoy this life while you have it, 'cause tomorrow, well tomorrow could be the end of the world and then we'll all be in a big pile of shit yeah? Oh darn it I did it again, I gotta go, your bad language is really rubbing off on me.” And with that the angel Dave finished his tea and disappeared as suddenly as he had appeared.
         It's 3:17pm as I go out to check my car. As Dave had promised the window and the stereo were both back to normal and the ticket that the cop had given me had vanished from the glove box. I smiled as I headed back into the house, after all I had an application form to fill in, the possibility of getting laid in the not to distant future and a guardian angel looking out for me.


© 2008 Joshua Morgan