Breathing in angel.

Pain, lingered in his eyes. you could feel his heart beat race to a slow. we had been best friend for ten years. It was always just the two of us. It was what i knew, i never had the time to think about it if things where different, like if he wasnt in my life. people usually talk about their bestfriends like they are free. people can have as many best friends as they want dont get me wrong but, a best friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out, and that is exactly who kyle was to me. when the world was ready to turn their back when they where needed most, he was ready to be there for me, for anyone. what we have is what i call true love. we where never anything more then friends but i loved him with everything i was. That boy was everything to me and anybody who ever got to know him. He never cared about what people looked like or how they dressed, kyle never cared what kind of wealth you came from, as long as your heart was pure he would be pure to you.In April kyle went head up worried of nothing to the doctors, weeks later he found that something wasnt right with his white blood cells, he formed lukemia, his cells kept deveolping and



traveling to the bone marrow. Kyle was always so full of life, he enjoyed everyday he breathed. Nothing ever got this kid down, and ten years of not seeing your bestfriend ever upset is a long time to get use to a happy kyle. When kyle told me the news it was two weeks after my 14th birthday... my world stopped, i couldnt breath and the corner of my eyes stung from the tears. I was confused i didnt know anything about cancer except for the fact that people usually dont make it. I saw my bestfriends eyes and for the very first time,



i couldnt see anything. I felt his emotions though, just sitting there quiet, trying hard not to cry not to get angry. I felt fear he was terrified. Kyle the strongest person i know was terrified for the first time. My heart slowly broke and i was able to catch my breath long enough to tell him that i loved him other then that i was gasping for air.. for an escape. This was the first time ive ever told a boy i loved them, and i told kyle. I told him that i loved him and that we will get through this. At this point i was sobbing, i was confused and i didnt understand why my best friend what did god have against me, agaisnt us. Even though it was hard to understand and accept this all, i realized that kyle was an angel,



something god sent to  me because i needed something that reassured me i was okay and even though god was now taking it away from me, it was because he knew i knew that i was a stronger person that i didnt need kyle to strengthen me. i will always need kyle. My mind was in swirls for months the entire summer was awkward and was hard to experince, even though i had stopped crying my body still weaped. Loosing someone as important to you as kyle was to me, is the most heart breaking feeling in the world. God might as have taken my oxygen. At this point in my life i relied on him to get through everyday living. there wasnt a minute that didnt go by where we werent thinking about the other. Most people saw family, or love but to me and to him all that we where



was every degree a friendship can bring, loving that kid was the best thing id ever done. Saying goodbye to that kid was the hardest thing id ever felt in my heart. That summer i spent by his side, whether he laid in his own bed or the ones the hospitals provided. Every thought that ran through my mind was a solution to cure this to fix things. I grew tired, helpless and heart broken. Its hard when you loose anyone, its hard even accepting the fact that every one dies. I know that for my self which i can only speak for, i wanted to die with him. Its hard to even begin to descripe what it was like, the visuals. I remember him laying there so deep in a sleep all the time. constantly, he would sleep for days. He was so tired the life value was just drained out of him. His eyes and his lips grew dark with battle and exhustion, and his eyes screamed for help. There was certain times when the sun would hit his pale skin and you could almost see right through him. He grew frail and skinny. You could see his bone structure. Kyle was loosing his hair, and every day he lost more. Seeing him without hair let it all really sink in. I remember the kemo-therepy make kyle a monster. He was sick, you could hear his entire stomach fall into the toilet,he refused to eat. the medicin made him replusivly vomit,i could only imagin the feeling. i guess then he figured it would be easier if he just didnt eat. he wouldnt have anything to bring back up.He got angry and hated when people looked at him. I would understand why he felt that way, but i didnt want to take my eyes off of him i didnt want that relization that he was gone, even if it was just pulling my eyes from his. August pulled around and kyle was barely alive, he was hanging on with everything he was just to see his 15th birthday. his skin was always so cold, he felt stiff and you would be afraid you would break his bones just hugging him, he layed there day after day helpless. you cried when he was asleep and forced a smile on your face for the few times he was actually awake. I remember it was the middle of august i has just gotten to the hospital, i passed his mom and she was smiling, the first time



since he was diagnose. I walked into the room and saw him laying in bed awake watching tv eating actual food. He didnt look tired or exhausted he didnt look scared, he looked like my kyle. The kyle ive always know, not this stranger possessing my best friend. I thought this was it, he is finally better eventually his hair will grow back and he will get out of the hospital.. i remember having all the hopes in the world and being truely happy to see him no longer suffer. The feeling of living your life day to day when nothing is wrong, the same rutines the same schedule every single day, you dont realize how horrible it could get. Finding out that kyle was sick changed everything, Every day was a new different day, somedays they where good days and you could barely tell kyle was sick, and other days you could see him screaming inside. I wish worlds could describe to you what its was like. On august 29th it was like any normal monday, i was just getting off school and i was rushing to the hospital, to go sit and visist with kyle, tell him more about hurricane katrina. i got there, and i went to the same room that he has been in for the last month, i walked in and he wasnt there, the bed was empty and made, a million questions ran through my head. I was hopping it was because he went home, cause he was better. You get this salty taste in the back of your throat, when you think of the possibilitys that your bestfriend is dead. For months its always been what we hoped wouldnt happen, but never did it feel as real as not seeing my bestfriend in that empty room. I went to the front office and asked for lukemia patiant kyle howard i waited as the receptionist scrolled up and down the list of names, each name my heart beat grew louder, i didnt know what i would do if she told me that he was gone, i probably would have needed a bed for myself. She stopped scrolling and wrote something on a peice of paper, she kindly smiled at me and said it will just be one minute. She picked up the phone and dailed the number she wrote down on the peice of paper. I couldnt make out what she was saying she muffled the phone and turned her back to me, at this point i was shaking, my breaths grew deeper, and my heart slowed down, it hurt. The nurse came back and said im not aloud to do this but here is the room number, and handed me the peice of paper. I took the peice of paper and started fallowing the signs on the walls, trying to figure out where kyle was. It was like skavandger hunt, and kyle was the prize. I finally reached a part of the hospitial id never been in before, i slowly walked down the hall counting the numbers on the wall as i passed them, finally i reached kyles room. The door was closed and i could hear a slow paced heart monitor coming from inside the room, i took a deep breath and i opened the door. I saw him, he was hooked up to so many machines. What i later found out was life support. It was only yesterday i saw kyle, awake. Today he was holding on for everything he had left. I was later told that kyles body had shut down during the night,



the only part of his body that was still trying was his heart. Sounded like my kyle. My eyes filled with tears and they rolled down my cheeks one by one, warm leaving my face wet. I slowly walked over to kyles bed and i didnt know what to do. I didnt want to touch him, i thought i might hurt him. He Layed there an i stood over him tacing his veins with my eyes. You could see almost every vein known to human surface, being as sick as kyle was his skin became translusent. I wanted to feel the only part of him still alive, his heart. At this stage i was balling my eyes  out. telling him that i loved him that he needed to wake up he needed to get better. I grasped his hand and i couldnt let go, if i let go he did too. i was sitting there reminding him of the memories we created in our childhood, i told him he needed to see his 15th birthday. that he was going to be okay. and that i wouldnt if he didnt get better. i was so lost in my own thoughts and the feeling of the tears running down my face i didnt realize that his heart monitor went straight lined, it took a team of doctors rushing in the door to take me out of my world. A nurse grabbed me i hear the doctor yelling at her to take me out of here, i couldnt let go of his hand, i remember fighting the nurse off of me, telling her i couldnt leave him, i was crying histerically, and eventually i lost grip and only our finger tips where touching. He was out of my reach. My leggs gave in, i was weak and i could no longer stand. The nurse brought me into the hallway and i looked back at kyle, i watched doctors trying to restart his heart. i could hear the stress in their voices. At this point i was on the ground barried in my own tears the nurse had her arms around me rudding my back just comforting me,



i heard someone walk down the hallway, and it was kyles mom, she has a bouquette of flowers in her hand. That was the thing i loved about her is that even thought kyle couldnt interpret that there was a new set of flowers there she still insisted. she always said it was a positive thing to do... i believed her. she dropped the flowers and ran to me she could tell kyle was gone she could see it in my face, she looked back at the door and saw five medical members surrounding this 14 year old boys limp pale frail body, she stood and ran to his side, doctors pushed her away and she was escorted out of the room, also crying. I had stopped, i think i ran out of tears. I still felt that weak feeling of crying but nothing was comeing out. I was still on the floor, and the nurse was attending to kyles mother now. She was by the window covering her face in her hands, the doctors came out of the room and scater along with their own business except for one, he stood there and looked at both of us. " we tried everything we could, but he just couldnt hold on anymore, his time of death 4:17," i felt my entire world drop into my stomach and vacume out every emotion i had, i honestly didnt feel a single thing, i was numb.



I sat and looked at his room as if i just saw a ghost, the doctor continued his talking but directed it to his mother. " im going to need you to come with me and sign some documents" the look on her face when he said her son was dead was more emotion then i felt in my entire life. Watching the two of them walking down the hall was like watching the last ten years of my life disapear. I stood up and i just couldnt take my eyes off of his room, i didnt know what to do. I dont really remember much after that, like how i left the hospital, but i do remember that i sat at the bus stop for a few more hours.  I let bus after bus drive past me, i just sat there i dont remember thinking of anything and i am almost certain that i wasnt crying. not cause i didnt want to but because i couldnt. The next few months of my life played out the same.  I hated the sympathy, all i wanted was to be left alone. People always asked me why i never cried at the funeral or when his name was mentioned, why i never cried when our school did a memorial. And i could answer them i felt more guilty for not knowing then i did for not being able to. My habbits where normal expect for the fact tha ti couldnt cry i couldnt smile or laugh. i didnt want to do anything with anyone i just wanted to sit in my room and stare at the wall. Its been three years since kyle passed away. Every breathing moment i breath for him. I realized that even though kyle was gone and didnt mean that i had to die too. I didnt want to fallow to everyday rules people made up for getting over a lost loved one. i couldnt stand by and live what everyone lives.



i love kyle and thats what i needed to tell myself everyday to get the courage to get out of bet everyday. my bestfriend now lays six feet under but lives in the clouds. People still asked why i sat there for four months tourtuering myself watching the pain in him and



never leaving, but the thing is this isnt your everyday kind of love story