I Have Appendicitis

Son, I need to talk to about something very serious. Just put down that Gameboy for a few minutes and let's talk man to man. I know it must be pretty scary seeing your old man in the hospital like this. To tell you the truth I'm a little scared too. That must sound kind of weird coming from your daddy, but even the toughest daddies get scared sometimes.

You know I'd never do anything to hurt you or your mommy, don't you. Of course you do; I love you and your mother more than anything in the world, and I'd give anything to stay with you forever.

But I'm real sick. I... I said put the damn Gameboy away! I'm opening up my heart to you and you're not even listening! This may be our last chance to talk like this, so please put the Gameboy down and listen. Just hear me out! I have what they call 'appendicitis', and I'm afraid it's going to kill me. Yeah, dead, gone. I told you this was serious! I'm sorry, come here son. I didn't mean to yell at you, not at a time like this. I promise no more yelling. OK?

Anyway, the doctors say that I have at most two weeks to live. My appendix is inflamed and will eventually burst, flooding the nearby tissue with dangerous bacteria. There's nothing they can do. Well, there are radical ‘surgeries', and medications I can take, like prescription antibiotics, but the chances of those actually curing my appendicitis are, well, let's just say they're not exactly one hundred percent.

Hey, don't cry, I've lived a good long life, and in these 39 years, I have seen most everything I ever wanted to see. Sure I didn't get to see the world, or ANY other country, but I traveled across three states, and I've seen the county fair probably 20 times. Remember that restaurant that looked like a fish? We never ate there, but driving past it was something I'll never forget. You said "Hey dad, that restaurant looks like a big fish." And I said "It sure does, kid!"
There's a smile.
And hey, remember that episode of "The Simpsons" where Bart gets emancipated from his parents? It brought us closer together than we ever were before. Until now, that is. Strange how death can bring people together. You never realize what you have until it's gone, or in this case until you find out it will be gone in two weeks.

And I feel that as your father, I've tried to be there for you and make the most of our time together. Remember that time we went to the arcade and I played that hunting game with you, and together we tracked down and shot that 12 point buck? Just think if that had been a real deer; your mother would have been so upset. And remember when you bet me I couldn't make that light, and I said "you watch", and I made it, but just barely? You crapped your pants, but you learned a valuable lesson about gambling, didn't you? That's what I've always tried to do, have fun with you, but at the same time be a good teacher and role model.

That's why we're having this talk now. After I'm gone, you're going to be the man of the house, at least until your mother finds a boyfriend. So, you need to know a few things; things that I had to learn the hard way, and some secrets to make life easier. First of all, the remote for the Tivo has a button to turn the TV on. It's worn off, so you can't read it, but it's there right below the instant replay button, which is also worn off. Second, there's emergency beer in the toilet tank, and in the sump, for when the power goes out, or when the sump pump needs work. The beer in the toilet tank serves a dual purpose in that it also reduces our water bill. Don't drink it until you're 21, and replace what you drink. Third, it's best to just throw expired lunch meat away. The price you would pay for eating it is too high son, much too high. Don't defy me on this! Respect the advice of your father that you may live explosive diarrhea free. Also, apparently fish is not meat. I don't know how the hell they came up with this stupid idea, but apparently the muscles of a fish are some sort of vegetable or possibly a fruit, but they are NOT meat.

Finally my son, it's time you knew the terrible truth. Your mom and I … we’re your real parents … which means you weren’t really adopted. It was all an elaborate hoax to get out of my huge gambling debt. I’m so ashamed of how we treated you. You have no idea how often I’ve wished we could go back, back to that simple life in our one room apartment. But your mother is right, we were miserable. We fought all the time, and we wanted a better life for you.

Anyway, that's about all you can learn from me. It's time for you to carry the torch. Go bravely into that dark future, my son.