Moments Don't Last Forever

"You bloody wanker jus' get 'em out!"
Matt's dad is angry.
He walks in and wipes his face, "You two...I'm sorry."
Charlotte and I have to go but Alex is sleeping at Matt's house...so he gets to stay.
I give Matt a hug and whisper good-bye, I'll never forget you.
I wave to his parents but I'm too mad to say anything to them.
'Alex is coming, Alex is walking with us..' A rush of relief rushes over me as we close the door and I cling to him. We wait for wait for the elevator...paitently, it feels like forever.
I stare at Charlotte...She's so sad...I've never seen her so sad before. She's crying so hard...
I'm not though. I cried so much my eyes went dry, every now and then I try to force tears out but it hurts so much. The elevator light flashes neon yellow as it brightens the number 23 above the door and the panels slide open to allow us enterance. I cry HARDER because I know if I get in it will only bring me a step closer to the gate...then to my house...then to my bed...then I will have to sleep. Then it will all be gone.
I cling to Alex and plant my legs on the hard marble floor as if it will prevent the future from coming. He drags me in while trying to get me to calm down by the standard, "Heather don't cry! It'll be okay, please don't cry! Please..." which makes it even worse.
Charlottes slumped in the corner balling like we're on death row...maybe we are. I want to hug her but I'm frozen solid in a perpetual motion of dry crying. Mirrors line the top half of the elevator, I stare into them, into my eyes. Is that me? That ugly person that's cried her eyes out...is that really me? A dim moving glow catchs my attention, I can see the floor numbers going down.
Floor 4, 3, 2, 1, ground level.
The elevator dings and the panels slide open again to reveal a baige marble room. I need to get out but I can't move...I'm in such a daze I can't even think straight. My hand tugs forward as Alex lead me out before the elvator closes.
Charlotte asks him how far he'll bring us. He replies to the gate but he says it in danish. I still don't know how I understood. I cry harder, finally tears come out and they're pouring down my face onto my neck mixed with snot. I try to protest and let out a huge gasp, sob, yell, that was supposed to be "Alexander!! Please no...don't leave me" but it came out like "Ahhhgg! ....no.."
We walk out of the apartment building into the night. A wall of humidity hits us but I don't even notice this time. We walk around the corner...
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 steps.
I have to stop, I cant move, I wont move. It was such an involuntary and voluntary movement at the same time. I collapse against a wall.
Charlotte turns around, says something to Alex. I say her talk but no sound came out. I feel so dazed. She walks ahead and Alex makes me sit down with him. He hugs me so tight and tries to tell me everything is going be okay, but he says it so much i cant help but saying "No... It's not gonna' be okay. How can I wake up now that I cant be with you? That I cant find you? That you wont be able to give me a hug?" He doesn't say anything.. we just hug tighter.
"Ouch..." There's something sharp on my leg... We're sitting next to an over grown rose bush. I look down and see the thorns slowly begin to pierce my skin yet I don't even try to move.
"I wanna' die. I'm gonna' die. After today I don't have anything to live for..."
"No! DON'T die. I would miss you so much!! If you die i won't ever get to see you again..."
I move again because the thorns are cutting me now and blood is flowing, and my hips are twisted in a really weird position.
This time he leans back and pulls me onto him. We hug so hard, we're pressed together so tighly that I acctually felt like at any moment we would become the same person...because that's exactly what I wanted as I rested my head on his shoulder and felt his heart beat agisnt my chest.
"Don't worry...Don't worry..." I just cry more.
"I'm thinking so many things... Why am I so retarded?! Why can't I actually say them?" I hit the wall meekly in fustration. It's pathetic really, I'm so weak already from crying. I don't even make a sound when my hand conects with the concrete pillar, so rather I decide to smash my hand into the thorns. "Ow..."
"No! No, No, Don't do that, don't hurt yourself...." Alex says as he gently lifts my hands out of the bush.
The snot and tears are still mixing together running down my face getting my hair sticky... but he still wants to look at me. He puts his hands on my cheeks and turns my head towards him. I fight back
'Noo, I'm so ugly right now', I think to myself...
He's stronger than me, he makes me look. His eyes scan my face,
"It WILL be okay." and kisses me...
I feel embarrassed now... as I said. I'm so sticky. I just break down on his chest, my arms around his waist,
"Its gonna' be okay, okay?" I just nod my head like an idiot. he hugs me back. I turn around so the back of my head is on his lap.
"God damn it! Someone shoot me! i don't wanna' leave..."
I grab a fist full of roses and I can feel the thorns scraping me...
Then my leg falls in and he pulls me out,
"No, No, don't do that!" he grabs my hands and takes the roses away.
"What am I gonna' do then?" I kick the wall with the bottom of my foot, "I will have NOTHING to live for. Everyone will be GONE...I will be gone..."
"We will see each other... I promise."
When I see Charlotte's shadow. Only one thing is in my mind, she wants to go...
'NO. Fucking no way am I leaving him!!' I yell in my head
I spin around a hug Alex tight. They talk in danish, I hear something about should I go home? and no, no, then she walks away. I try to yell no charlotte don't leave but it comes out so weak that only Alex hears it just barely as a whisper. and says
"Don't worry she'll be back... i got to go-"
"NO!" I scream and squezze him with all the strength I have left, "NO, NO, NO!!"
"Oh, oh, oh, it's okay! I'm staying! Don't worrym I'm staying!" My grip loosens slightly... "I'm staying...don't worry" He rubs my back...
His hands slides gently up my shirt and he feels my chest, "One last time.." he says.
I try to smile. Which fails quiet horribly.
I just sob again. His hands come back out from under my shirt. He hugs me again and pulls me up. He looks at me, hands on my cheeks. Again I try to pull away, why did I even try? I don't know.
"I'm gonna' miss you so much..." I just look at him and put my hands on his face. "Alex..."
"What?"
"Alex its not even funny-"
"... i cant hear you i'm sorry." i try to speak louder. Again I fail, so I pull him close and whisper,
"You have no clue how much my heart is breaking. I am going to fucking miss you loads." and he just hugs me tight.. at the same moment Charlotte comes to take me. Alex backs away from me.
I try to grab him.
It doesn't work.
They speak to eachother and I don't hear. She tries to turn me away but instead I lunge forward to give him another hug...
I whisper "bye..."
We kiss one last time.
He hugs me so tight...
And lets go...
Charlotte takes me turns my face away. I hear footsteps and I cant breath. I can only wail and sob. Thoughts of suicide flood my mind, Charlotte is drapped around me, making sure I can't hurt myself. We walk pass the gate into the road.
'Taxi...I can run in front of a taxi.' I think to myself but its late and there are no taxis.
We walk down the road together, Charlottes whispering to me that everything will be fine, she's crying to.
'I will make this walk last a life time' I think. And then all of the sudden we're 2 metres away from my house.
'No. No. No... How did that happen??' I stare at my house... The place I call my home.. Won't be mine in 24 hours.
I get the key from under the mat and we walk into my room. i take of my shoes and sit on my bed crying Charlotte..
"Do you need to go home?" I ask her.
"Yeah...I think..I think so."
"... Okay."
We walk back to the door, our feet gliding over the polished white marble. I hug her so tight and sob.
"I won't EVER forget you Charbar!"
"Me too.. Oh my god Heather..."
She stepped outside the door and fell against the wall..
"Charbar? ...I love you baby girl." I grab her hand
"I love you too..."
We stare at eachother for 20 minutes saying nothing... just crying.
"Okay...Okay. Ch-Charbar... We need to close the door now." I said firmly trying to save her from making the horrible desicion of deciding when to go.
"No...I don't want to go!" She sobbed
"I know baby girl, I feel the same... But we can't stand forver... I wish we could though."
"Me too... Okay..."
"1, 2...3....3....3!"
"I can't...I can't do it Heather."
"Neither can I... Oh my god..."
"Okay deep breaths..."
"1."
"2."
"3."
And the door closed. I starred at the chalky metal white door and feel to my knees and cried to weak to pound on it or get up. I fell and hit my head on the marble.
My life ended right then. At that moment I had such a sick feeling in my stomache I couldn't bear it.
But moments can't last forever.
Maybe it's a good thing.