Only Me

Prologue
The silence was deafening.  All was quiet as he sat and waited, listening for noises that would mark her arrival.  He was not able to enjoy the blessings of the quiet as the voices in his head continued to bicker.  Stop… it’s not too late.  If you just leave now she’ll never know you were here.  You’ll have no regrets. Unfortunately that voice was getting quieter as the other, which had been getting progressively stronger for weeks, was now yelling at him.  It IS too late.  You’ve given her enough chances.  She is the one to blame- not you.  You have given her nothing but love and affection.  And how does she repay you?  She finds someone else!  Not only that- she doesn’t even have the decency to tell you!  She just leaves you hanging.
         “That’s right”, his harsh whisper cuts through the silence of the night.  “She’s just getting what she deserves.”
He hears the sound of her car pulling up and shrinks further into the shadows.  Although he can’t see her as she enters the house, he sits in wait as she goes through her familiar routine.  She drops her keys and bag on the table by the door and picks up the phone to check for messages.  She wanders upstairs to her bedroom, picking up the odd discarded item as she goes.  She finally makes it into his view as she enters the sitting area of her bedroom and turns on the TV before she moves onto the bathroom to begin her nighttime routine.
As the water in the bathroom masks any sounds he may make, he moves from his hiding place to position himself.  She finishes up in the bathroom and reenters the room.  He almost squeals with glee as a look of confusion crosses her face and she hesitantly looks around.    Yes, I am here the voices begin.  You can sense me, smell me, can’t you?  You know that I now know your secret, don’t you?  “You’re right” he declares aloud as he grabs her from behind and covers her mouth with the cloth.  “I know all about what you’ve been doing, Melanie.  Luckily for you, you don’t need to hide anymore.  And any regrets can be forgotten too.  Actually you can now forget everything”
Melanie gets out nothing more than a squeal of protest before she realizes how true his words were and her body goes completely slack.
Chapter One
6 months later

Erin takes a deep breath of the brisk fall air and slowly releases it.  One thing was certain- everything seemed fresher and cleaner up North.  During her time in the South the continuous heat eliminated most of the seasons from being noticed.  As stale as the air was, she would have stayed there indefinitely with Cameron.  With him around, it never felt stale.  She had never noticed how much she disliked all the people, all the chaos.  Until he was gone she was so happy with life, she hadn’t noticed how miserable she was with her surroundings.  Another deep breath brought her back to reality.  Well, she thought, hopefully the change in climate will also change my outlook.  It was time to start moving forward, no matter how hard that was.  If not for herself then for Ben.  He’d already lost a father; the least she could do was ensure he has his whole mother- mind, body and soul.
         “And the first step” she announced to the empty room “is to get settled and have this place looking like home”.
Although the 2 bedroom home was much smaller than their house in the busy subdivision down south, Erin felt at home here.  From the first moment she walked in with the agent she knew this was where she and Ben belonged.  Sure, there was some sprucing up she needed to do but nothing a lot of cleaning and a little paint couldn’t take care of.  All part of the fresh start that Erin and Ben so desperately needed.

No better time to start, she thought as she unpacked the last of her boxes and grabbed the paper where she’d made all her decorating plans.  Erin grabbed her purse and keys and headed off to the hardware store to get what she needed to transform their new house and hopefully their life.

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Mark grumbled under his breath as he trudged through the aisles of the hardware store towards the paint department.  Not only had Jeanine decided that he wasn’t the man she wanted, not only had she filed for divorce within minutes of telling him her decision.  And not only had she already found some other joe to replace him (and how ironic was it that his name actually was Joe?)  Although all of that annoyed him, he could accept it.  He was the first to admit the marriage had reached the end.  Heck, he wasn’t sure it ever really should have begun!  But what bothered Mark was that even with all that, he was still the one using what precious little time he had off to wander around an overpriced hardware store to buy overpriced products to fix up his ex- house so that he could get his measly share of his underpriced house as so decided by what would likely be his overpaid agent. 
Mark let out a big sigh as he ran a frustrated hand through already ruffled brown hair.  Bitching wasn’t going to get him anywhere.  He might as well get on with it.
He wandered into the painting section and stopped short.  Holy shit, he thought as he looked around.  How am I supposed to do this?!  The 2 walls surrounding the department were covered in swatches of paper with every shade of colour imaginable.  Rows of blues, greens, reds, oranges, yellows and browns stared back at him.  Further down the aisle were cans and cans of paint, shelves filled with tape, brushes, rollers- all looking basically the same but yet minimally different.  Shit…I need to find some help!
He glanced around the department, which although filled with people, contained few sales people.  His gaze fell upon one woman in particular who, even while struggling to heave the large container of paint (and who knew they made them that big?!), didn’t have the same lost expression that he was sure highlighted all of his features.  Matter of fact, she had quite exceptional features.  She had intense blue eyes that seemed to shine with excitement as she made her choices.  Her light complexion had a pinkness to it that made her glow.  Although small, her body was obviously trim and strong as she continued to heave one product after another in her cart.  Her most magnificent feature was her hair which cascaded down her back in red curls that he knew would make his sister grown in jealously.
Mark approached her, grabbing at the container of paint which this woman could actually fit inside of yet was still trying to lift.  “Here, let me help you with that” he said while grabbing onto the handles and easily lifting it for her.  “You must have some house to need this much paint.”  He pointed at the bright purple label with skepticism.  “Hmmm, interesting colour you’ve chosen as well”
Her laugh was light and he couldn’t help but smile with her.  “Thanks.  They seem to be extremely busy today so I finally gave up waiting.  Actually,” she said nodding towards the large container, “this is primer, not paint.  The label doesn’t show you the colour.  Both paint and primer are white.  They colour them for you at the counter”
Mark looked at the counter she indicated, lined up with people all anxiously waiting, holding their coloured swatches.
“Hmmm.  You actually sound like you know what you’re doing”
Erin looked at him questioningly, “Yes, I have a pretty good idea…”
A charming grin spread across his face.  “Excellent!  As you may have noticed they seem to be short staffed here today.  I need a lot of help as I’m completely clueless when it comes to paint and colour and primer.  Well… everything decorating related.  And it seems you could use some help loading what you need.  How about we help each other out?”
Erin looked from her cart to the frazzled staff then to the huge container of primer he lifted with ease.  Her eyes then rested on his, which remained on hers, pleading for her assistance.  “OK.  You’ve got a deal.”

Chapter Two
Erin dashed into her house flicking the oven on to preheat as she switched on the radio.  She had no idea how the afternoon had so successfully gotten away from her.  And who would have thought an afternoon at the hardware store would be so enjoyable?  Sure, Erin thought as she shimmied along to the rock flowing from the radio, she knew she wasn’t that hard to look at.  But things like handsome men approaching her in stores just didn’t happen in her world.  And man oh man, he sure was handsome!  His brown eyes had a gleam in them which was both playful and enchanting.  His strong build made her think of a firefighter and his easy going personality extended that persona of gentle strength.  His brown hair in a short cut was both kept neat but still seemed to reflect his mood as his hand continually swept through it today in frustration as she explained what he needed to know to update his “ex house” as he kept referring to it.
Reality settled back in as the oven beeped, indicated it was time to put dinner on.  Sure, he was nice and sweet but that was all probably an act to get some help.  And probably his invitation to join him for coffee afterwards most likely had more to do with guilt than an actual desire to spend more time with her.
Erin shook her head to try and dislodge all the negative thoughts.  Really what did his interest matter anyway.  She didn’t have the time or energy for relationships.  Ben needed her right now and she needed to focus on him.  Between Ben, setting up the house and finding a job, all her time was occupied.  She glanced at the clock which indicated it was almost time to get Ben from school.  Mentally she went through her evening schedule- she had to pick him up, have dinner, help him with this homework, a bath and bedtime.  Then she still need to get his lunch ready for tomorrow and start going over the classified ads for a job so he could continue to have lunch.
Feeling exhausted just thinking about the tasks at hand, Erin quickly forgot the joy and excitement that had swept her through the afternoon as, even for a short time, she was not a mom or a widow or even an unsettled newcomer.  But for those couple of hours Erin was reminded of the glorious feeling of how it once again felt to just be a woman.
Chapter Three
“And ma, I can’t wait to get there because Billy Clark, he’s my other new friend. I made a lot yesterday, ma!  Well, Billy, he said he was going to bring his new Spiderman truck he got for his birthday this summer.  And he said it is so cool!  It can crash and plays music and everything!!”
Erin tried to drum up the appropriate amount of enthusiasm for a so cool truck for her 7 year old son.  Thank goodness, he had obviously enjoyed his first day at his new school yesterday.  “Honey, that sounds amazing.  But if you want to be at school in time to play with Billy, you better get your breakfast eaten so we can get going.”
“K Mom!  I’m full.  I’m gonna go brush my teeth so we can go!” Ben called as he ran full speed up the stairs to the bathroom.
Wow Erin thought, brushing his teeth without being asked.  He must be enjoying school!  She shook her head as she grabbed his barely eaten breakfast from the table.  Apparently he doesn’t need to eat either.  Until lunch, she thought.  When he won’t have enough to eat since he ate so little for breakfast.  She tossed an extra apple into Ben’s lunch bag as he came barreling down the stairs. 
“Come on, mom!” he called as he grabbed his lunch bag from her hand and ran out the door. 
Ah, what I wouldn’t give for that enthusiasm, Erin thought as she grabbed Ben’s backpack and followed him out the door.
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After a busy morning of dropping Ben off at school, getting groceries, paying bills and getting the primer on the walls on the main floor, Erin decided she deserved a reward.  Her chosen reward was a trip to the book café she had passed when she first came to town looking for a house.  She had some time to kill while the primer dried anyway.
Erin had always had an intense love for books.  Her mom used to tell friends jokingly, “Some girls love shoes, others love clothes.  But our Erin is addicted to books”.  Erin smiled at the memory.  Her mom was right.  As far as Erin was concerned there was nothing more relaxing than to disappear into someone else’s life for a few hours.  No matter what was going on in your life, someone in a novel was having more troubles, more adventures, more love, more fights than you.  No one could be as worse off and also better off than a character in a novel- and so often in such a short period of time!
The bell above the door rang a soft jingle as Erin entered the store.  Immediately she knew the owner of such a place shared her love for books.  The store was exactly how she herself would design and decorate it.  The colour scheme was warm and welcoming while also being relaxing.  There were work stations set up with new equipment for those who needed the space to work or check email, all placed near the busy area of the café.  You were then drawn into the bookstore area which showcased walls upon walls of books.  A children’s section was set up in a fun manner with lots of wall decorations from popular children’s stories and huge beanbag chairs for the kids to relax in.  Small tables and chairs were set up to encourage parents and children to look at the books together.  Off in the corner a section was set up with a large rocking chair as a focus, which Erin assumed was for storytelling times and meet the author events.
As Erin continued through to the adult section of the store, she found lots of comfortable chocolate brown leather armchairs scattered throughout to allow patrons to stop and explore a book of interest.
Erin’s eye caught a perky looking brunette busy straightening the shelves.  Her hair was cut in a cute bob that looked both easy and stylish.  As Erin cursed her and all women who had the ease of having straight hair, the woman turned and smiled at Erin with an easy grin.  “Good afternoon!  Can I help you find anything today?”
Erin returned the smile, wondering where she had seen her before.  “No thanks.  I’m just looking around.  Actually, this is my first time in this store.”
The saleswoman’s brown eyes brightened by several degrees.  “How wonderful!  This is my baby… sometimes I still have to pinch myself to be sure it’s real.  Please let me know what you think.  I really appreciate customer feedback.”
Erin was shocked to hear this young woman was the owner.  “Wow, well you’ve done a marvelous job.  I’ve only walked around so far but I’m very impressed.  It must be a lot of work setting up and running a place like this.”
The woman released a frazzled breath, “Well, normally it’s not as difficult as it has been over the past couple of weeks.  One of my full time staff left a few weeks ago as her fiancée got transferred to a new city, effectively immediately.  She had offered to give me 2 weeks but I’m a huge romantic!  I just couldn’t bear the thought of separating her from her fiancée just to make my life easier.  So here I am, doing her job while I frantically look for someone.”
Now it was time for Erin’s eyes to brighten, “Really?  I’ve just moved here with my son and I need to find a job.  Can I bring in a resume?  This would be perfect for me.”
“Well, how about that.  I’m Sandy” the saleswoman announced, extending her hand.  “If you’re available tomorrow, bring your resume in.  I’ll interview you at the same time.  I have another staff coming in at 11 so anytime after that is fine by me.”
Erin left the bookstore after making an appointment with Sandy for the following day at noon and felt like her feet barely hit the ground.  How fantastic!  Not only did she get her errands done, house primed and had some time to herself, she had an excellent lead for a great job.  She rushed off home to get what painting done that she could before picking up Ben from school.  After he was in bed Erin knew she would be busy updating her resume and finding some interview appropriate clothes in her closet.
Chapter Four
He entered the store and greeted the cashier with an absent wave.  Since leaving his hometown where he had spent most of his life, he had become rather settled here.  He had his regular routine and he enjoyed it.  He was even recognized by the staff now at most of his regular stops.  They would greet and smile at him, showing that they were happy to see him.  None as much as the girl at the gas bar, he thought.  Now she was interested, he was sure of it.  And tonight, he had decided, he would make his move and ask her out.
He paid the cashier for the bread and milk and continued on to his next stop.  He anxiously waited while the gas slowly filled the tank of his Ford Focus.  Thankfully the questions about Melanie had finally stopped.  At first he was their number one suspect being in a recent relationship with her.  Most people around town had known though that they had broken up and that she had moved on.  Lucky for him, he had been able to keep his true feelings about the breakup to himself and most people actually thought they had an amicable split.  All part of the planning, he thought.  Quickly he was taken off the list of suspects and after investigating a few other possible suspects, the police had declared the case unsolved.  They simply had no further leads.  He had to grin at that.  Well, of course not!  He was too smart for that.  He had planned for that night for weeks and that planning had paid off.  She still got off easy the voices insisted as the pump stopped.  Did she really think that she could shake him off that easily, he thought?  It had taken him years to finally find someone he was truly interested in.  She was the one for him.  And she just threw it away. 
He shook his head to clear it as he entered the store to pay.  ‘Just call me Shelly’ was busy with a few other customers so he busied himself looking at items up and down the aisles.  It wouldn’t do to ask her out with an audience.  That would be unprofessional.  He wouldn’t want to put her in that position.  He glanced up at the counter as her husky laugh floated through the store.  He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up as he saw her reach across the counter to put her hand on the customer’s hand.  He watched as she playfully shook her head in response to whatever the customer had asked.  He asked again and Shelly quickly glanced around the store and motioned him over.  The guy barely touched the ground as he ran behind the counter and lifted her into his arms.
He continued watching as the voices screamed.  What is she doing?!  Why isn’t she pushing him away?  Shelly likes us!  She’s waiting for us!  Then as Shelly leaned into a passionate kiss with the customer he knew what was going on.  Suddenly it wasn’t Shelly he saw in the embrace but Melanie.
Chapter Five
Erin’s interview went spectacularly the following day.  Sandy was very pleased with her past retail and even management experience and felt she would be an excellent addition.  She was even willing to work Erin’s schedule to allow her to drop off and pick up Ben from school.  In exchange Erin would come back and work later on Wed nights when they ran a children’s event every week.  And Ben could even attend the event so she didn’t need to find a sitter.
Since Erin had no commitments for that afternoon, Sandy offered to start the orientation and training immediately.  It was obvious right away the kind of detail Sandy put into her store.  She was constantly fixing this and that absently as she wandered from one section to another with Erin, giving her a store tour.  Nothing was left less than perfect if Sandy was around.  Being one who gives much attention to detail, Erin felt she would work very well with Sandy.
Erin was so enthusiastic about her new job, soaking up every detail Sandy passed way, by the time she noticed the time she was already running late to pick up Ben.  In a dash Erin gathered her stuff and drove to the school, all the while hoping and praying her son would not be crushed that she was late.  I always come for him she thought.  He must know I’ll be there.  Then her thoughts went to the night she thought Cameron was only late and she instinctively pressed harder on the gas.
As she anxiously pulled up in front of the school her gaze fell on Ben immediately.  While she parked the car her eyes did not leave his face as he used his entire body to accentuate the conversation he was having with the man whose back was to Erin.  Well at least he’s not upset she thought as she hurriedly approached her son.
When Ben noticed her, his face lit up.  “Hey mom!  This is Detective Perry… he’s a cop!!  He came to our school to talk to us about being safe.  And I was here waiting for you- and you’re late by the way- and Detective Perry stopped and we were talking.  Isn’t that cool Mom?!”
Erin chuckled as she gave her son a huge bear hug and turned her attention towards the police officer.  Her jaw dropped and the chuckle died in her throat as she looked into laughing brown eyes and gazed over what could be a firefighter’s build… but was actually a Detective’s.
Mark stretched out his hand to Erin, “Well, isn’t this an unlikely yet very pleasant surprise”
Erin shook her head in amazement, “What a small world!  How is your painting coming along?”
He winced at her question, “I have primer on the walls.  So that’s a step.  I’m still not sure about the colours we decided on but since you’re the expert and I’m not I’m just going with it.  I tell ya though, this whole primer business seems like such a waste of time though.  Why do I paint my walls white in order to paint them again?”
“You would be wishing you used the primer if instead you hadn’t and your paint peeled off the walls.  It’s just one of those prep tasks you have to do.”  Erin glanced over at Ben who was now bored with the conversation since it no longer had to do with exciting cop things.  “So, you’re a detective?  Which department do you work in?”  Erin looked out the corner of her eye to see Ben perking up at the change of direction
“I’m actually working homicide but I volunteer to tour the schools on my off time to do presentations on how to be safe in the playgrounds, walking home, those kinds of things.  It’s great to get the chance to talk to the kids, to see all that enthusiasm.”  Mark ruffled Ben’s hair.  “And sometimes we get to meet some amazing kids who even want to talk to us.  Right Ben?”
“Yeah, it was super cool, Detective Perry!  Hey, maybe you could come for dinner.  Then you could tell me more about your cases.  Think of how cool that would be for me to tell Billy on Monday”.  When Ben saw the skeptical look in his mom’s eyes he tried harder.  “Come on mom, you already know him.  So it would be fun for you too.  Pleazzze mom!!”
Mark ruffled his hair again, “Come on, champ.  Your mom is busy; she doesn’t need extra company for dinner.  Maybe you could come by the station and I can talk to you more if you want one day.  As long as that would be ok with your mom”.
Erin’s mind had a million thoughts flashing through at once.  Would Mark want to come over?  Especially now that he knows she’s a mom.  Maybe that’s why he seems more interested now, because now he feels safe from the dating prospect.  She gave a silent sigh.  Ah well, she might as well take the chance, at least for Ben.  “Sorry Mark I was just going through what we had going on tonight.  Of course you’re welcome to join us for dinner.  The house is pretty smelly right now with all the painting, but I’m sure you’re pretty used to that right now.  Nothing too exciting planned either, just chicken, but there is lots if you’re interested.

“Well, how can I pass up a not too exciting meal in a smelly house?  I’m in!”

Chapter Six

He slammed the door as he entered his house.  What did she think she was doing?  He couldn’t believe this was happening to him again.  There was no doubt in his mind that he would need to do something about this.  All these bitches were going to have to pay, he thought as he grabbed a beer from the fridge and started to empty it.  He was so angry in the store he walked around a few aisles before approaching the counter to pay for his gas.  By that time Shelly was waiting for him and the other guy was gone.  She was friendly as usual, but his head was so foggy with anger he didn’t care how she acted.  Well, she would be sorry.  He would watch her, follow her moves, and find the right time to put his plan into action.  Just like last time, he thought.  He could vision his plan just as clearly as with Melanie.  This time would be easier, though.  He was a drifter in this town.  No one knew who he was, and he didn’t have any connection to Shelly.  Good thing he hadn’t asked her out yet.  That would have certainly complicated things.  It was actually GOOD that he saw Shelly’s true self today before he went any further.  That didn’t change the fact that she needed to be punished.  She needed to pay for what she was doing to men; suffer for what she was putting them through.

He changed into all black clothing to help him hide in the shadows and left for the gas bar.  He disappeared into the darkness to watch her and learn her routine.  Soon, he knew, the right time would come.  And he’d be waiting.

Chapter Seven

Erin couldn’t help but smile.  Like running into Mark at the school, the evening had been a pleasant surprise.  Mark continued sharing stories of his child appropriate adventures with Ben while she prepared dinner and continued during the meal.  Although he offered to help her out many times, she knew Ben was having so much fun she wanted to just let Ben have this special time.  Ben was so enthralled with the tales he even followed Mark’s lead as he helped Erin clean off the table after dinner, something that usually took quite a bit of arguing on her part.

She continued washing the last of the dishes, enjoying the sounds of her son hooting and hollering coming from the living room as he played video games with Mark.  She knew this was something that Ben was missing in his life right now, having a guy around to do these things with.  Sure, she would play catch with him outside and would get down on the floor and play the video games with him.  But it just wasn’t the same.  She knew he enjoyed his time with her, but he didn’t have that same wild boy fun that he was having with Mark. 

Erin finished cleaning up the kitchen and joined the boys in the living room.  Other than the obvious difference in heights, it was almost difficult to tell which one was the boy and which was the man.  Mark was laying on the floor on his belly, obviously getting into the game, turning the steering wheel and pushing buttons frantically as he tried to catch up to Ben. 

Suddenly Ben jumped off of his perch on the arm of the couch and pumped his fists enthusiastically in the air as his car crossed the finish line.  “Yes, I won!  I am the winner!!”  Ben continued to run around the room, alternating making sounds of a cheering crowd with waves of appreciation. 

A laugh escaped from Erin’s lips and Mark gave her a shrug and a playful grin as he looked over at her.  “Well, a good thing I have a day job.  A professional race car driver I certainly am not!”  He laughed and grabbed Ben and heaved him over his shoulder as he ran by.  “Now this guy, he has some potential!  I should get his autograph now before he becomes rich and famous!”

“Well, since he won’t be able to drive for another 9 years, I think it’s safe to say you have some time.”  She looked at Ben apologetically as Mark returned him to his feet.  “And, in order to have the energy to race around school tomorrow it’s time for you to head to bed.”

“Ah, mawm.  Do I have to?  Can’t we play another game?  Just one more?”

“Sorry Ben, it’s already way past your bed time.  Please say goodnight to Detective Perry and thank him for playing with you.”

The look on Ben’s face said it all as he dragged his feat across the room, “Thanks Detective Perry.  That was a lot of fun.  I wish we could play longer”.

Mark went over to Ben and squatted down in front of him.  “I had a lot of fun too, Ben.  Maybe if your mom doesn’t mind I can come back another time and we can have a rematch, ok?  I’ll just need to practice for a few days, then you’ll see what I really can do!”

Ben jumped up with excitement and gave Mark a high 5.  “That would be awesome.  It’s ok, right mom?  He can cover over again, right?”

Erin smiled at her son and put her arm around him.  “How can I get in the way of an awesome time?  Of course he can come back if he wants to.  But, remember Detective Perry is busy so he’ll come back when he can, ok?”

“Ok!!  Good night Detective Perry!!”  Ben shouted as he ran up the stairs to him room.

Erin turned to Mark, “That’s really nice of you, Mark.  Thank you.  That means a lot to him.”

“No problem.  I was telling the truth, I had a lot of fun too.  Ben’s a great kid!”

Erin could tell he was speaking honestly, which made what he said even more special.  “Yes, he is wonderful.  I have to go tuck him in.  If you need to get going that’s ok.  But I put coffee on in the kitchen if you wanted some.”

Mark flashed his heart melting smile, “I have nothing going on tonight.  Coffee sounds great.  I’ll just wait here until you’re done.  No hurry.”

After Erin had finished tucking Ben into bed, following numerous promises that Mark could come over again really soon, she found Mark sitting on the porch swing with a coffee warming his hands.

“Mmmm” she groaned in delight as she sat down beside him and took a sip of her own coffee.  “I still can’t get used to how wonderful it is to sit outside at night here.  At first I thought it would be too cold but really it’s just refreshing.”

“Where were you living before?” Mark asked, turning his body in the swing so he could watch her face in the moonlight.

She leaned against the back of the swing and let Mark control the motion as she let the relaxation of the moment wash over her.  “We lived down south in Texas.”

He couldn’t help watching her, you could almost see each muscle in her face slowly relax as she sat in the chair with her eyes closed and face looking up towards the sky.  He struggled not to reach out and push her fiery curls off her forehead and instead tried to focus on their conversation.  “That’s quite the change of scenery.  What brought you out here?”

The calmness of the night and her mellow mood had her speaking freely.  “I brought Ben out here after his dad died.  It was too hard being in the same house so for awhile we lived in an apartment near our old place so Ben could continue going to school with his friends.  But there were constant memories of Cameron and I just felt like I couldn’t move forward with everything being the same except Cameron being gone.  So I decided to make a big change and picked a state and a city and here we are.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry or bring up anything that would make you uncomfortable”.

Erin lightly shook her head, “No, it’s fine.  I’ve dealt with the past and I’m ok to talk about it.  It was hard at first but I’ve had to keep going.  Honestly I don’t think it would have been as easy if it wasn’t for Ben.  But I knew I had to be strong for him.”

“I’m envious.  It’s obvious you truly loved your husband.  I don’t know many people who have had that kind of happiness.  Lust, sure.  And even affection.  But not the kind of love I can see you shared.”

She smiled a sad smile, “Then I guess I’m a lucky one.  Don’t get me wrong, things weren’t perfect.  I think anyone looking for that in a marriage will be sadly mistaken.  But Cameron was a good man, an amazing father.  Loving him was easy.”  Erin let out a sigh and opened her eyes, turning to Mark.  “What about you?  I remember you talking about your ‘ex-house’ at the hardware store.  Were you not one of the lucky ones?”

Mark’s chuckle was dry and contained no humour, “No, that I wasn’t.  Diane, my ex-wife, and I got married young.  We were a case of lust.  Out of high school we were filled with it.  We couldn’t get enough of each other and thought it would last forever.  We were wrong.  My hours as a cop were long and she didn’t like the shift work.  I knew that but I still thought we were ok.  One day I came home in the middle of my shift and found her with someone else.  I was shocked… and then mad at myself for not seeing it before.  They are apparently in love and I’m at least able to hope that she has found happiness now.”

Erin stared into his deep eyes, feeling a gentle pull as she did.  “It takes a special kind of man to be able to wish his cheating ex happiness.”

Mark inched slowly forward, “I like to try to not be ordinary”.

Mark very slowly, very carefully, closed the gap between then, constantly watching Erin’s eyes for a sign of discomfort from her.  All he saw were deep pools of blue with needs swimming within battling with doubt.  He quietly whispered as he gently framed her face with his hands, “I won’t lie to you, Erin.  I want this.  But I also want you to be with me one hundred percent.  So if you need some time, I can wait.  You just have to tell me what you need.”

Erin placed her hands over his, wishing she could express to him how much his tenderness meant to her.  “I honestly don’t know what I need right now, Mark.  I know it’s been a long time since I lost Cameron.  But I also know it’s been a long time since there was anyone else.  And I have Ben who I need to think about and focus on right now.  I just don’t have the luxury of giving my needs consideration right now.”

Mark leaned his forehead against hers and continued looking into her eyes.  “Then take some time to figure it out.  But please, don’t take too long.”

Unable to let her go just yet, Mark tucked her into the crook of his arm and held her close while he swung slowly along with the autumn breeze.  Although he was unaware, the consideration and compassion he was showing her would bring her closer to him in a way she didn’t think she would be able to feel again.

Chapter Eight