Freak

If I had to stand on trial, and look the judge in the eyes and tell him why I habitually use marijuana, I would tell him its to stop my horrible paranoia's and thoughts. While driving, all I can imagine is a maniac coming out of nowhere and careening into the blind spot of my '97 Kia Sephia, sending me into a fiery tail-spin over the median and into on coming traffic.
I'd tell him how deathly afraid of bad "first impressions" I am, and how I can't be the driving force in conversation for more then a few moments without the awful feeling of my words blissfully floating in and out of the ear's of people just waiting for their turn to speak.
I look at disfigured people and can't help but wonder how a normal person could fall in love with someone with a disfigurement. My greatest fear is being in a room full of elephantized "freaks", all waiting for me to say something. Just awkward silence until I stutter a syllable of some sort of English, and shudder in anguish when I'm cut off by some sort of sneeze by a creature standing in front of me, then wait another thirty seconds while he attempts to pronounce
"Excuse my cold sir, please continue your joke."
They they all move closer to me, like zombies, just looking for attention. They're starved for a kind word, a hug, a moment of time, just like me.
Before I know it I'm consumed by the disfigured gang of emotional zombies, some crying because they can't believe someone is finally there. I'm a "Normie", or at least on the outside. My girlfriend say's I'm attractive, but I have a hard time believing her. The truth is, I'm disfigured on the inside. That's why I'm so afraid of "freaks", because they look how I feel.
Alone, ignored, past by, disgusted. Nobody can stare a disfigured in the face, or whatever form of face they have. I feel like the kid craving attention, begging for appreciation from parents, only to be ignored and told to "settle down", "Be Quiet", or "Your Being Annoying".
Annoying. Such an insult when your younger, especially as you get older.
Being called annoying is like being dumped. It's someone flat out telling you that your personality blows and that they don't even want to hear you anymore. An instant shut up. I remember having my eyes well up while trying to make her laugh in middle school, only to get the kabash and called a problem. A negative.
To be a freak and looked at with disgust.
To be disfigured and avoided by those you just want to be accepted by.

I can tell I'm losing the jury by the last part of my explanation of my social psychosis. The jury, all hand picked at random by mail to come pretend to give a crap about some kid being put on trial for some bogus reason.
I'm on trial everyday, always asked to explain all that I say or do to appease the court, the judge, the jury. You speak until your red in the face when you realize the judge was just giving you your court ordered defense, though his mind is made up before you even open your mouth. He politely asks if your finished, always a sure fire sign of disinterest in your reason. The judge goes on a tirade, and the only thing that breaks your dizzying-sick feeling is the look of horror your attorney shoots you all while the judge spits out his sickening torment, not even stopping to listen to the jury. Nope, you've offended the judge personally. Now here comes the man in blue, to take you away.
Past your disgusted family, your horrified friends, and the barrage of dirty looks from complete strangers. There you'll stay, on display, as the town nut-case. Kept behind bars like some sort of despicable zoo. Treated like an animal, looked at like a freak.



Sincerely Yours,
Alfred Lynch