owned by envy

    I sat there for a full half an hour listening to Rob extoll the virtues of Sarah.

    "She is so creative.  Not just creative but generous with her creativity."

    What I hear is "Unlike you who would make candles and give them to the blind".

    Ok, I get it.  I"m not so good at the selfless thing.  You would think I would be better at it.  I have enough people to remind me of my short comings that these little emotional ambushes should roll off my back.

  But I can't help it I feel bad.  Not just that maybe he's right.  but now I want to go bitch slap Sarah for  making me look bad.

    I know, I know, that's petty of me, but thats it in a nut shell I'm a petty small person.

    I hate competion, I loath rivalry, not out of some grandiose theology of us all being on the same team.  See it's just that losing pisses me off.

    It comes from losing when you didn't even enter the contest.  It comes from learning that not every one you love wants you in the front seat of their lives.

    On the other hand even though I want to slap Sarah for not measuring up to her in Robs eyes, I don't really hate her .  As a matter of fact I think she is pretty special too.  But I like her enough that when I Praise her I'm not using her to beat someone else down.

  And why, you may ask,do I believe that is what Rob is doing?  Because Rob is Ashamed of his little sister, that would be me.

    He would always tell mamma,"I don't wanna take Ashley with me, she doesn't have any friends and she tags along with all mine and it's embarrassing!"

    Then mamma would tell him he couldn't go without me, so he took me but walked fast enough that I was always two steps behind him.

      It hurt that my brother didn't want me around.  He was only three years older than me. When we got to the park and all his friends were waiting I asked him if I could play with them.  He told me no.  I walked over to the swings and watched as they decided who was on what team for baseball.

      I was ok if he didn't want to play with a younger kid fine if he didn't want a girl to play I could live with that.  I would just swing by myself and be perfectly fine.

      Then he did something I have never forgotten.  He asked my cousin Sarah, who is a year younger than me if she wanted to play ball with them.  I was devistated.  There I was all alone on the swings and I could have sworn someone had just kicked me in the gut.

      It didn't matter that Sarah said no thanks and worked her way over to me.  What mattered was that Rob had asked her to hang out with him and his friends.

      I swallowed hard like I had to much food in my mouth, my throat got tight and my eyes stung. But I darned sure wasn't going to cry in front of him and his friends.

      Sarah played with me for a few minutes but I couldn't bring myself to say much.  When friends of hers from school came she asked if I wanted to go with her to play but I just couldn't bring myself to meet new people.

    I got lost in my own little world and when Rob finished He and his friends came over to the playset.  He was screaming at me for ignoring him and making him come get me.  His friends were laughing and I got mad when he tried to pull me  off the swings I kicked out and got him in the one place no boy wants to introduce to a girl at nine years old.

    He doubled over as his friends gulped and groaned in sympathy,  When his eyes cleared of pain they shone with pure malice, "No wonder you have no friends.  No wonder everyone hates you!"  he screamed at me.

    I remember running all the way home before he even was standing straight. I stood behind the big azaelea bush by the porch so momma wouldn't know I got there without Rob as soon as I saw him coming up the side walk I walked in.  He was right behind me. Neither of us ever mentioned it to my mother.

    He was probably worried mom would make him keep an ice pack on his balls all night, I was still to hurt and embarrasseed that he would rather hang out with our cousin than me.

    Well that was twenty years ago and some things just don't change.  They just got more annoying.  He knew I had been making my own decorations for my new apartment and I was feeling really good about the compliments I was getting.  Thats when he started in on our generous and creative cousin.