Sunshine Daisy

It was a Saturday night. I remember that the weather was chilly outside, like just before it rains. We were all sitting in our dining room as the cool breeze blew across our 2 bedroom apartment. It would have been pleasant any other time except now. My mom was frozen with shock and my dad was astounded by her audacity. I for one did not know what to make of it. I was in college, and I did know what it meant, but it was still too much of a blinding flash to see the world in all its clearness again. The stillness was stifling and the shuttering windows did not do anything to help.

“Shut those damn windows" my dad whispered.

My mom started sobbing slowly as I walked across the room to bolt them. I saw my sister then and I could say that she had whished that she had not told them at all. She had lowered her head as she got up from the table and left to clean her plate.

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That night the living room light was on until early in the morning. At first I could hear my father shouting at the top of his voice about how it was impermissible, and how the current generation and TV had corrupted the youth. He vowed many times to stamp it out of her. Towards the morning there were just my mom's sobs of what she had done wrong. I knew that my sister was not asleep in the next room, she was probably thinking of running away or something.
Ever since I remember her she was the coolest. I later learnt that there was no one word to describe her, the closest you could get was a tom boy.

I remember when she was eleven and I was nine. We would go out to the pond behind our house and catch snakes. She would be running around all day chasing them and catching them. One day she brought a small python into the house, hidden in her Tiffin box from school. She kept it in her room for almost a month feeding it frogs and lizards. Eventually my mom found it coiled on the bed and called the driver to beat it to death. I now realize that she didn't cry for it at all. In fact I had never known her to cry. She was a strong girl.

Later when I was twelve I changed to her school. We had always been together at home, and she always treated me like her little brother, but it was at school that I got to know a different her. The first day I had taken twenty rupees with me to eat at the canteen. I went to the counter to get tokens, and I asked for a samosa channa and handed the guy behind the counter two ten rupee notes. He gave me a yellow plastic token which I exchanged for a samosa channa. I saw my sister outside with her friends and went across to her. She asked me what I had bought and how it was. I told her that her school was too costly and that I could get this for half the price outside and left for class. In the middle of the next hour she walked into the class and asked me if I had given the guy at the counter a twenty rupee note. I said no. that evening I saw the guy behind the counter come up to me and give me ten rupees, and run away. He had a black eye and was limping. I told her the story on the cycle ride back home and she beamed at me.

That was my sister, kittu. She was always strong. She was thin and pretty, but rough. All the boys I knew and who knew her kept their distance, even with that reputation she got a truckload of proposals by the time she left for college.

When I came to my twelfth, I started studying hard. And the situation at home was deteriorating. My dad's company had gone bankrupt and he was practically jobless. He had a plastic cover manufacturing plant, shelling out plastic bags for the top retailers in the city. Suddenly people started becoming more and more environment friendly and the retailers began to prefer paper bags. One thing led to another and he was forced to sell his factory to pay off his debts, and took up a job at a factory as a chief engineer. This meant that we were suddenly thrust into a realm of not enough. We sold our house and with that money my dad decided to pay off our educations and we moved into a smaller house, an apartment, in another locale. So I being the one more prone to the ranting of my mother of how important my studies were to the family started studying hard. I finished first in my school in my tenth and third in my twelfth. By this time my sister was earning at a BPO and my dad had gotten a promotion.

I got into a college inside the city. The first day of college was when I saw my dream girl. She was the prettiest of the lot in the bus. I don't recall seeing any other girl with such avid interest. She had beautiful black hair that she lay loose and often touched with just her index finger, pushing it back so that it could fall over her face again. I saw her do that all the way to the college.

That night I told my sister about this girl. I told her almost everything ever since she hit that boy to get the ten rupees back. It made me feel safe if she agreed. She didn't say much and promised to talk about it when she came home that weekend. By the time my sister came I had gotten to know that her name was Claire and that she was doing her architecture in my college, she was a mallu Christian and she was new in the city, staying just two kilometers off my house. I was totally new to the world of girls. The only ones I knew or spoke to were my sister’s friends. They always
Treated me as a brother, so I was completely in the dark. As soon as my sister came I told her all that I knew. She asked me where the girl lived exactly, in a casual way, and left the room. I did not know what to do or make off it. I brushed the entire incident away and went on to study.

My sister called me in the evening at six and told me to come to the beach and pick her up. I was stunned, to be exact, to see Claire sitting there with my sister and another girl at the beach. I parked the bike and gave my sister a missed call to tell her I was there. She didn't budge an inch. After nearly a dozen missed calls, I started towards her. My heart seemed to get smaller and smaller as I walked. The distance seemed to be shrinking too fast. The sea was making a ruckus, and everybody seemed to be watching me. I went up to her and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Oh good you're here. She seems to like you too and she's been asking around about you."

I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what my sister meant, although it seemed like I did in some vague sense. I didn’t dare look at Claire, but I did not know what else to do, so I stared at my sister aghast. She got up, dusted her bottom and took the keys from me.

"I am going around the corner for a coke. You keep Claire Company."

And she left me alone and went. The first time that I remember her doing it. I waited watching her go to the motorcycle, she took it and sped off.

"Sit down"

It was Claire, and how sweet her voice was. I was overcome by a wave of intoxication that her voice induced and the terrible fear that I had within myself. I gulped hard and sat down next to her. And the sun began to set.

That day led to the next five years of my happiness thanks to my sister. By this time my sister was twenty six and my family began discussing her marriage. At first she relented then she told my parents to look, but she would have the final say. They repeatedly asked her if she was seeing somebody, and she kept saying no. but I could tell that she was, and that she was covering it up. She would talk for hours on the phone, and always keep texting. I have often seen her blow kisses to the caller, and most of the times she just left the room. As one can imagine, I had never seen such a feminine part of my sister.

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The week before this was when my world started to become a surreal nightmare. Claire called and she told me that she was late. We had done it a few times but never without protection. I was too aghast to say anything and so I kept the phone down and did not call her or pick her calls for the next week, until tonight. But tonight I found myself frantically calling her as soon as dinner was over.

"I thought you'd never call"
"I need to see you immediately"
"What happened?"
"Now"
"It’s nine da Pappu"
"NOW"
"Ok I will try to come to the beach, ok?"

My mother was cleaning up and my father was in the kitchen talking to her heatedly. I yelled at them that I was going to a friend's and quickly closed the door behind me.

As soon as Claire saw me she broke down into tears. I tried to comfort her and told her that we would talk about the pregnancy and sort it out. And we sat there on the beach, her head resting on my shoulder.

"What do you think about homosexuals?" I asked her once she had calmed.
"It’s their right" she said, as if it was just a discussion.
"No, tell me what do you think they should do? Should they get married or just keep it to themselves?"
"Married of course, it’s their right...."
"I think they should keep it to themselves." I said with an air of finality, cutting her short.
She was too overcome by what was happening in her life to argue and so just lay there.

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My sister left for her job at Bangalore that Sunday, and I was left in the house, alone to deal with rising tempers and my own fear of Claire’s pregnancy. My father became quiet and never spoke a word. My mother would work all day, and sometimes I could hear her sob, but most of the day I was out with Claire at her place. Claire’s parents were in the Middle East. They would send money every month for Claire and her sister to manage. There was a wide assortment of servants, watchmen, gardeners, cooks and drivers. They lived a royal life, and hardly ever saw her parents. The last time that Claire saw her mother was when she had passed out of school and her father when she was in her ninth. So technically there was no problem with her having a baby. She figured that they would never know. This gave me some comfort, but I was still afraid of my house. I had been working for a year and so I was confident that I could take care of her on my own, but I was scared of my family and this fear was further increased after that night.

I didn't message my sister, or reply to her messages. I would always cut her calls and never call. I went into a shell somehow, and it was easier as I had to spend more time with Claire. I would spend my day at the office and then would go straight to Claire’s and there we would spend the rest of the day talking. Eventually when everything settled Claire asked me about my sister one day. It had been two months since my sister's last visit, and I had not spoken to her, and knew that she did not call home after the first week.

"No idea" I said as if I did not care.
"What are you angry for? And with your sister?"
"Nothing" I said coldly.
"What? You can tell me" she said coaxing me and kindling my anger.
"What do you want me to say? That she is gay? That she is living with a woman? That my mother has been crying for the past two months? Or that my father is not talking to anyone?"

I could see that she was taken aback. She stared at me blankly. That night when I was leaving, she hugged me and then very softly whispered.

"Call her for my sake."

That night I made the call. I would have pressed the number in and then cancelled calling her at least a hundred times, and then she called. I was not sure on whether I should pick it up. Eventually I did.

"Hi" she said as if she was having a cold.
"Are you feeling ok?" I asked.
"Not with you not talking to me da?"

I fell silent.

"About the cold silly."
"Oh that! It’s nothing. So how is Claire?"
"Not bad"

Silence.

"Sorry for leaving you there alone da. I guess it’s my fault."
"It’s ok. When are you coming back?"
"Not sure I will. We are planning on getting married da."

I was silent the rest of the time, as she told me about Mira, and how great she was. I couldn't even say bye to her at the end.

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When Claire began to grow big her sister noticed it. It took a lot of work to shut her mouth. And eventually I told my sister about it. She shouted at me for being irresponsible, but told me that I had taken the right decision as far as the baby was concerned. Claire became a bit too particular suddenly. She bought huge books filled with names for the baby. She made a list of all the Hindu names, and all the Christian ones. Then she made a list of all the neutral names that ended up sounding Christian nonetheless, like daisy or sunshine. She would also get these sudden urges. Once she called me off an important meeting to get her a chocolicious ice-cream from cool cats with no nuts on it. She was driving me crazy, but I liked doing all that for her. I liked to rub her belly when we were watching TV, and when the baby kicked I felt a rush of pride that's worth anything. We would spend the days arguing about the names, she seemed to like both sunshine and daisy. She spent all day staying at home and walking on the beaches. Her sister was a big help and so was mine.

Finally the date was set for my sister's wedding to Mira. It was a simple social event where only her friends were to attend. It was to be held at Bangalore and Claire didn't want to inconvenience herself, after all her due date was in a month.

It was like no wedding I had attended before, and I had not seen my sister that happy any other day. Seeing them together I felt for the first time in my life an anger towards my parents. I felt that maybe they were wrong, and maybe love should be celebrated by all who share it. It was the best weekend I had had. The next morning I woke up with a severe headache. I realized that I would be late for my flight.

I landed at Chennai airport and only then realized that my mobile was missing.

"Nice flight?" my mom asked me.
"Ok."
"How was the work?"
"Fine"
"And somebody called Annie called. She has been trying to reach you since last evening. Who is she?"
"Just a colleague mom, did she say anything?"
"Just that it was an emergency"

It was probably Claire calling me so that I could get her an ice-cream or maybe a sub. But why would her sister call then? Annie never called. She hardly ever spoke to me, except ask me about my sister now and then. She never actually called my sister, just asked me how she was doing.
I began to worry about this call and so I went to the landline and just as I was about to pick it up it rang.

"Hello"
"Can I speak to Siva?" Annie asked, her voice was shaking with emotion.
"Yeah?" I said feeling sudden panic.
"Pappu.............Pappu............." and she began sobbing uncontrollably.

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I rushed to the ICU ward 23. Claire was on a ventilator. Their jargon, I did not understand, and all I could gather from them was that they could do nothing. I looked into the room and saw her hair and how her hand lay trying to ease the hair back, just like the first day I saw her. She was just as beautiful, except for all the tubes. God that should hurt. I felt my heart filling up, my throat drowning, my nose was hurting from the tubes up hers, my veins were hurting from her IV tubes, my stomach was churning from all the pain. I went and sat alone in the waiting room burying all the pain with a thought, a faint ray of hope in my mind. It was 41 hours in the ICU after which they told me that my Claire had passed on.

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I am on my way to Bangalore today to see my sister. She, Mira and Sunshine Daisy. Sunshine Daisy that Claire bore me.