My Story

I'm just a girl trying to become the woman God wants me to be. I'm learning how to follow the path He has set before me and trust in Him. I use the word invisible on my blog\website, because I've often felt invisible and insignificant sometimes to people throughout my life. I think we all do. As a younger girl I let it get to me though and would sometimes try so hard to get the attention of a few people, that didn't really deserve the effort anyways….just because I needed to feel validated. But if you can't be true to yourself, it's easy to lose yourself…and eventually start to think you might as well really be invisible. But the one I was never invisible too and the only one who's opinion matters, never forgot me or left my side. I knew all my life it was true, but never really grasped until now, just how great His love is. God has seen me through so many things throughout my life, that I couldn't of made it through without Him. It wasn't always easy to see Him though, but looking back He was always protecting me. I prayed a lot back then that He would help me understand Him better and reach Him, because I still didn't feel close and didn't know what my next step in life should be.

Not too long after, God started moving mountains in my life and shaking things up all over the place. It took me a while to figure out that He was doing everything and for a reason. My path was being laid out just like I had asked, but it wasn't going to be a cakewalk. He began showing me how I could grow in Him from a weak minded young girl to a strong Christian woman if I would just choose to follow. (I'm known to be pretty hard headed and like my control, but it was time to let go) I'm far from the woman I hope to be someday, my path just started. I struggle with my earthly desires daily and sometimes feel like it's too much to handle being on this path… but I do believe I am learning. I think God is blessing me with a path of some heartaches, so that I can better understand His wonderful grace, and that the comfort He is capable of provide is enough to get me through anything… if I only I will let Him! Now, I'm learning patience and that God's plan for me may not be the fairytale I had hoped for as a young girl… but what I hoped for was insignificant compared to the wonders God is capable of!

He showed me through becoming a mother, that doing what's best for my child may not be what I feel like doing or had planned for my life either… But in sitting outside of the game I would have chosen myself to play, I've been able to see the world in a way that many people may never get to and I feel so blessed for that. I've witnessed more of God's Amazing Grace than I ever thought possible for me to see! He is showing me on my path that I do have a voice of my own, because of and through Him, but that I still need to figure out exactly what that voice is. I lost touch with it after too many years of pretending to be someone I wasn't, because I didn't think I was good enough. I want my daughter to always know she is good enough and loved no matter what. Now I think that being unheard or unseen sometimes isn't that bad after all…as long as you are seen by God.


So, I would say my life started changing the most when I began a relationship someone I thought I knew, but in-actuality had no clue about who he was. I believe that God warned me and tried to tell me it wasn't where he wanted me to be (the signs were everywhere) but at the time I didn't want to listen and still wasn't sure yet "how to listen" for Him. Somehow through that unstable, all over the place, relationship, I finally lost myself completely. I had no confidence or faith left in myself and had totally lost touch with God by the end of it. I can only blame myself too, because I could of left at anytime. A stronger person and someone following God would have. So I was lost and needed God then more than I think I ever have before. So, as I was wallowing in self-pity and trying to "find myself" again, I believe God decided to intervene and make use of the time I was spending fretting over the past and "not living" and use it for good.

I had a lot of decisions to make right after and during my elaborate ongoing breakup, and I wasn't in the best place to be making them. I remember praying then for God to direct me, but I wasn't really letting God in and I don't think I was ready too either. Now looking back, I see that. About a month later, I was raped in my apartment and didn't tell anyone because I felt so disgusting afterwards. I decided not to remember it myself either, and almost completely blocked it out too. (I'm great at suppressing things) So….7 months later, I was completely suprised to find out I was pregnant. I know that sounds strange and almost impossible! On some level, I did always know I was pregnant. I went to many extremes to avoid having to recognize it though. I just kept to myself alot and was depressed anyways with my recent situation, so I could blame any symptoms on that. All my life I've seemend very outgoing but usually so anxious and uptight inside I the morning sickness and stomach pains were just normal dailyoccurances to me anyways. (My pain tolerance is ridiculously high I finally found out during the labor) Anyways, I think I;m just trying to justify how I managed to not know for that long, but like i said…I think God decided to intervene too and use the time I was depressed and staying to myself anyways for good. Since I had blocked out the incident so much, I couldn't imagine any possible way I could be pregnant. I know, on some level, I must have known because I didn't drink at all during that time (which was not normal for me then) and I avoided taking any pregnancy test too (at all costs). I kept delaying finding out anything for sure, because I knew it would be too hard of a decision for me to make if I found out too soon, and I didn't trust myself. I had actually told God many times before that my two biggest fears were getting pregnant by means I couldn't contro, and then having that decision to make. And the other fear was to have to leave the security of the place I call home (specific area in Texas) and move to Africa or something. Strange fears, but I prayed He wouldn't ever let them happen to me because I knew I couldnt handle it, ( He sure made his point that I wasn;t supposed to do life on my own, and if I have him anything is possible. I think God really does have a good sense of humor..although sometimes more funny from his view I'm sure)

So anyway, one of my fears came true….and i handled it even though I thought I couldn't. But I did block it out (since I have a real knack for that..I'd like to think that's how I managed to stay in some relationships so long.) I don't know if I ever made any conscious decision about anything…but someone said my decision to do nothing was a decision. I'm not sure that counts though! I hid the fact that maintaining my weight was almost impossible, by working out ALOT (which I hate) and it wasn't completely obvious something was up until after New Years. I'm sure if I had my typical type boyfriend around at the time, he would of pointed out the weight gain at first sign & never dropped the issue. So I'm pretty thankful for that timing too. (If you wonder how I could miss the fact that my monthly friend never visited…I'm the rare type that has never really had that. Sorry if too much info that's just the obvious first question) So, I went to work everyday and everything seemed somewhat normal for the first sixth months. Another interesting thing that didn't help my awareness much, was that I had full Ob Gyn appointment in October and he didn't notice I was pregnant!! (I would have been almost 4 months along then!) And he prescribed me birth control! I that took for a few days (I thought I took almost a month's worth, but recently found the container and I guess I only took 2!) and then just never refilled for some reason. If that isn't Gods hand protecting this baby through everything, I don't know what is! I guess I took some daily vitamins and was generally healthy, but the fact that I wasn't regulating what I was putting into my body like a pregnant woman should, and she still was so healthy…is what I believe to be the greatest gift God will ever give me!

Then, about mid-January I went for checkup, because I knew something wasn't right at that point…and was honestly shocked to hear I was pregnant. I was thinking, at that point, my weight gain had something to do with my thyroid disorder I've had forever. So, I lost it when he told me, actually. Then I had to tell my family eventually…and that was hard. And for the first time I had to tell someone about the incident. I briefly told enough to explain how I could possibly be 7 months pregnant at the moment, and then it was on to dealing with the situation. I was so worried, after the shock wore off, and wanted to find out if everything was OK with the the baby…but by then it was actually too late to even have a sonogram at any pregnancy center.. so I had to wait 3 weeks before I could get an appointment to hear the heartbeat and know everything was ok. At first I didn't even plan on telling my parents, about the pregnancy (but I didn't last long on my own) and up until the birth I was adament that no one should ever ever find out about this or I would die from the shame of it all! I wouldn't even go to a dr. or hospital in the area for fear of someone seeing me and I would of used a false name too, if I could have! It's amazing how God totally transformed my view of the world and people though all this. Before, I cared so much about what a few people would think, who really didn't care about me anyways! Everyone that loved me or had a good heart wouldn't think any differently of me, so why should it matter! People have tried to tell me this before, but as usual it took knocking me over the head with it for me to truly get it.

I knew I wanted my child to grow up with a mother and a father and in a home that could provide for her the best of everything. I am surely not capable of providing anything but love, and that unfortunately isn't enough. I've always believed it's not really fair to deal a child anything less than a full hand when they start. I knew there were a lot of people wanting to adopt, but I had no idea the amount of wonderful, totally qualified and dedicated couples there were out there dying to love a child! Before she arrived, I didn't know how much I would fall in love with her. I never knew it was possible to love anything so much! I'm so glad I made the decision and choose the family before the birth. I seriously doubt I could of done it afterwards, and it was the right choice I'm sure ( by the way, the parents are great..two of the most devout Christian couples I've ever met!) They couldn't have another child after their first, and so the little boy has prayed for a younger brother or sister every night for 5 yrs! Ive always wanted a big brother myself and so it was very important to me that he was in the picture too. They have a huge extended family, a big house w/ a pool and tons of land in the backyard. (That's just added bonus) She is like a little princess too, being the only girl in the whole extended family. I cant say where they live (I don't know the exact location anyways) but it is very close to me. Whenever there is a bad storm, I know she hears it and I worry about her getting scared. The location aspect, I guess, isn't normal for most adoptions. But I don't think anything I do is "normal" so to say, so why should this be any different. That's another main reason why I wanted her with this family, because I think consistency is the most important think for a child to have…and I know they will give it!

Anyways ( trying to make it short) God had that family picked out a long time ago…they were the first and only couple I looked at. (I'm not just saying that cause it makes it easier, this girl was meant for that family!) I knew as soon as I met her that she was the woman I was supposed to give my child to. It's kinda cool to know I helped complete someone's family too. I went through Edna Gladney in Fort Worth for the adoption process, and they are great. I will hopefully be working soon for an adoption agency, pregnancy center, or something where I can help pregnant women and children somehow. I always knew I was against abortion, in general…but now it's taken on a whole new meaning. (It's almost like every baby out there is Ann, to me, and I want to save them all) I know it's a a hard choice to make in the early stages, especially when you are all alone and scared (I didn't even trust myself w/it) but I hope most women know that more women seriously regret abortions later in life than do continue on normally. I can't tell you how many women & just friends I've talked to now who daily feel guilty about an abortion. That's why I also feel like what's done is done, and I so wish they didn't feel bad about it anymore. God forgave them along time ago and I wish they could too! I'm sure I need to do alot more research on the subject too because there are so many ways people can argue for & against it. For now, all I got is what I've personally witnessed though, and it's enough to make me want to stand up more for it now.

I'm glad I learned so much about adoption too, because now I can't imagine having any other career. Which is such a blessing too…since as most everyone knows, I've never been able to settle on a career path or job before. God works in mysterious ways! I new nothing about adoption before all this either, I never knew there was a birth mother's day and it is the day before Mother's Day! (I hope to get the word out more on that; it's been around since '88 and no ones really heard of it) I know now how much it helps the process if birth mom's have someone around that has actually been through the same thing. I think birth mom's kind of get a bad rap in most circles. I, for one, assumed (I guess from movies) that they all must just drop there baby off on the front steps somewhere and hope for the best! I guess I never really had reason to think about it much before? So now, I have a purpose maybe in life or at least a good direction on it now. I keep in touch with most of the girls I met at gladney, I lived with them for a little over a month. And they range in ages from 12 to 45! That was a sight to see, 30 pregnant women trying to live together, share a bathroom, and get along. I got a roommate halfway into my time and I was not too happy at first about that. But she turned out to be exactly what I needed at the time and such a blessing for me today. She came all the way from Pennsylvania (I was so lucky to be so close to national agengy) and was 25 too! I don't know if either of us could of made it after the adoption without each other for support. I've learned so much from observing, but mainly that it's hard at any age to give up a child. Your a mom the instant that little person pops out. So I understand why it's scary to adopt, not knowing if the mom will follow through…but in most cases they always do and I think I could tell any couple now how to read a girl and determine if she will or not before they go designing the baby room.

One more freaky thing that happened… I got something called pre-eclampesia in the final month of pregnancy. It has something to do with your blood pressure mainly but if you get it in pregnancy you swell up fast and they have to do an emergency induced labor to save your life and your baby. So that was fun! A bit intense at the time, but it was actually just another blessing cause it was planned, I got my favorite doctor and favorite nurse and I was hte only one giving birth that night. the whole staff was for me and I never ran out of ice chips! I ended up gaining 100 pounds because the eclampsia thng! I put on 20 pds of water weight in just two days, right before we induced labor! That sure made me get over any silly body image issues I had…fast! I wish all those people that used to call me anorexic could of seen me then! lol. I would sit on them! just kidding. I Thank God I went down just as fast as I blew up. Still have a few more to go though. And she was only 5 pounds! Here is a Link to my pree-clampsia fat photos (warning-not pretty, me+100pds in all the wrong places!) The indentations in skin show "pitting edema" part of the cool stuff this disease lets body do…jk! Then clumsy me was trying to find a way to maneauver during labor (at 220pds, I couldn't lift myself!) and somehow pushed my epididural thing out of my back in the first 4 hours of the two day labor. So they told me afterwards it was basically a natural birth! (They promised me that would never happen) So I'm not a wimp after all! My dad had to take back all his teasing over the years. The anesthesiologist didn't notice it was out till about 30 minutes before the actual birth, and he apologized quite a bit! lol. I know I got the good stuff after that though! I had no pain at all till 2nd week! I don't know why I'm saying all this here, it's not important at all to the story. I think just to brag cause I was always considered by "some people I know" as a high-maintenance and wimpy sorority girl. I guess I can still be a little high maintenace at times though. But, back to the subject….

Usually you spend time with your baby for about four days after birth, and then have placement with the adoptive family. That makes it a little easier (still hard) not to get too attached. But In my case, because of course the father couldn't sign any papers, we legally had to wait 30 days. At first this scared me, but now I see it as such a blessing! I got to see my daughter during her first month on earth, the time she is growing and changing the most. I will cherish it forever! It was amazing to watch Ann (that's what I called her before her official name was given) grow everyday and I would have missed out on so many wonderful things if I hadn't had that time. I still forget and call her Ann sometimes by accident. I think I will always remember her in a way as my little Ann E. ( She was Ann Elaine for almost 30 days! Isn't that a cute name…I've wanted to name my daughter that since kindergarten!) During that month, I took over 24 hrs of video, which is more than my parents have of me! She loved the camera, and would just dance and twirl around in front of it! She was admitted to the hospital on her 20th day for a serious stomach virus. She was automatically checked in for the whole weekend! But then it was a false alarm! Someone actually confused her test results with another babies. (So that does still happen) I freaked out though when I heard (finally heard, through the chain of command that exists in pre-adoption) I had just signed the "relinquishment papers" the day before where I gave up all my rights, so I wasn't allowed to go to the hospital and had to wait four days to see her again! I normally would of lost it and gone driving to the hospital for no reason, but this time was different. Maybe motherhood had already changed me by then…but I just knew it wasn't in my hands and there was nothing I was going to do that could miraculously heal her, except pray, and we sure did! (I didn't even know I could pray with such determination!) All of us (my fam & any recipients of the mass email I sent out to pray and stop everything! lol) all just prayed solid until I got the call that it was a mistake and she is the healthiest baby they've ever seen! It was a pretty cool day! And all that time I knew her adoptive parents were praying for her nonstop, and their whole church too! The transitional family (that kept her overnight during the month) were the ones that actually stayed at the hospital with her and slept in her room. They fell in love with her soooo much, immediately aswell! She had like an entourage of families and friends who loved her before she was even a month old! During her stay at the hospital though I still thought it was torture, and I barely made it those four days without her. I was so not prepared for 18 years yet. But you can't really prepare yourself for that.

Then April 15th came and it was the hardest day of my life! It was so scary but thankfully I didn't have to do anything. God did it ALL for me that day… it went like I had rehearsed it a million times before. I said everything to the family I had wanted to and left the room sure in my decision. I'm so glad my dad taped it all, or I never would have known how it went though! All I remember was shaking as I handed my daughter over for the last time and wanting to scream. It was rare that birth mom's have as much family around as I did that day, most have no body for support! The first few days after placement I was still numb, then it sunk in that she was really gone and Ive just been dealing with it day by day.

Right now I still miss her so much! I don't think I will ever stop wanting to hold her again. I think I will crave that for the next 18 years. Ours is a semi-open adoption. I will get photos and updates of her in the mail every year, and I am SO grateful for that. God wanted her here SO MUCH and I can't wait to see what He has planned for her life. I've received a few updates in the mail with pictures now, and she is growing like a weed and looks so happy! She is the happiest baby anybody has ever seen!

So thats me.