Letter to dysfunctional, abusive mother

I am trying to understand what just happened. What I realize is this is partially my fault for 2 reasons. First, for the last 9 years that I have been an adult, 8 of them a mother, I have let grandma gossip, exaggerate and fabricate about my life to others and I have done nothing to stop her. I don’t care what people say or think about me, but I thought you knew better than to believe her. I gave my “family” more credit than they deserve. Jackie said something insightful about grandma, she said “If all you hear growing up is that you’re a bad person, you’ll grow up believing that you’re nothing.” Bingo. If all you hear from grandma is a bunch of negative things about me and my parenting, then I guess you’ll eventually believe it. My fault is letting it get out of hand without any consequence.
Secondly, I never should have pursued a relationship with you. But you are my mother, so who can blame me? After all of the abuse and neglect I have been subjected to by your hand, what makes me think you’d change? What made me think you’d be a good grandmother?

I don’t think you realize what you’ve done. That is why I am writing this to you; so you can understand exactly what you did and why I am so upset. First of all, what you did made me remember all of the painful memories that I desperately want to forget; we’ll start there:
I don‘t think you ever wanted me, or ever liked me. That is evident from the physical, mental and emotional abuse you subjected me to. Remember the wooden spoon you broke on my back? I do. Then you switched to the metal one. So you could hit me as hard as you could without hurting yourself. You were cruel to me. You would lock me in the attic at the mere age of five. How could you do that to a child? I could never imagine and I have kids! I have cried and cried at the thought of someone doing that to my beautiful children! Let alone me doing it to them, their mother, the one that they love and trust… the thought is completely inconceivable. Grandma seems to think that I am making all of this up… that I am a liar; that because of the physical abuse I saw my father do to you, I thought it was me. Well, you and I know better, don’t we, mother? It was documented when I was 10 years old that I had a black and blue body and face, all because of you.
And dad… What the hell?! I think you LIKED the drama, games and getting beat by him. How could a MOTHER allow someone like that into her home?! And then blame ME for all of it! Then wondering what was wrong with ME when I was 14 and never came home… And you know what else?! I really liked the juvenile shelter I was put into. Isn’t that sad?! I liked the shelter more than being at my home. I was finally safe. I could sleep peacefully throughout the night. And there was structure, reward, praise… love. I loved sitting around the dinner table talking and laughing with all of the counselors and kids while eating. Then afterwards we’d all clean up together. That is why I am so adamant about my family eating dinner together every night. I got a taste of that life and knew that I wanted that for my kids. What kind of mother would move her kids from a beautiful neighborhood across the street from a park, into an apartment above a BAR on 16th and Lincoln that is crawling with cockroaches and there is no grass for her kids to play!?! Let alone the neighborhood and location of the apartment. Even if there was grass, we wouldn’t have been able to play outside. What kind of mother would do something like that? I think it was a really sick game you were playing with my alcoholic father, and we three kids were caught in the middle.
You have 3 children. One that you lost when she was 14 years old, the other when she was 16, and your son you lost when he was 16. I can honestly say that the 3 of us would have been better off in the system, growing up in foster homes. The abuse you heaped on us is unimaginable to others. Yet you did it… to me, and sometimes to Jackie. I don’t remember you hitting Ben like that, but you did enough damage to him in other ways, like choosing your alcoholic, drug addicted, physically and emotionally abusive SECOND husband over your own son. We all know how well that turned out. He’s the smartest one out of the 3 of us… he’s staying as far away as he can from all of this dysfunction. And poor Jackie; you support her mutilating herself?! She confided in me one night… Don’t you realize what she is doing to her poor body?! All of those piercings is a cry for HELP! She told me that she does it for the pain… just like a “cutter,” she does it because the physical pain of the piercings helps “relieve” the emotional pain inside. And yes, mother, it IS YOUR FAULT. Jackie is a very sick woman, and it is entirely your fault.
So, back to when I was 14, I left the shelter and moved in with grandma and poppa. Best thing that ever happened to me. Then Jackie moved in when she was 16. You never sent money. You never called. I remember you coming into West Bend after a 6 hour drive from Hudson and never even thought to come the extra ½ hour to visit your daughters that you never see. I held 2 jobs while in high school so I could support Jackie and myself. I am the one that bought her dresses for dances, gave her an allowance and took her back-to-school shopping. I am the one that paid for her senior pictures and bought her yearbooks, paid for her fieldtrips. ME, NOT YOU. That was a huge burden for a 17/18 year old to take on. I couldn’t be a normal, selfish 18-year-old because I already had a child to take care of… JACKIE! What kind of mother would purposely MISS her daughters’ proms, dates, first jobs?! THEN, when I was 20 and had 2 babies of my own to take care of, I had to take in your 16 year old son. After all of the damage you already caused him, he couldn’t adjust to a normal family home. Thanks for that. I was happy with my own little family, enjoying being a wife and mother to a 2 year old and newborn baby, but all of your demons followed me. Your dysfunction tainted my home, AGAIN.
I let go of all this years ago. I forgave you. I tried to understand, but then I let it go. It was a long time ago. When I was 14, I should never have pursued a relationship with you. You and I both know that if it wasn’t for me, we would never have had one. I should have kept it as that. But when I had my children, I wanted my mom, I wanted more than what you had any right to. I wanted my “idea” of what you should be and never were. Over the years, you’ve proved to me that you deserve none of this. Last semester, I asked you to watch the kids for an hour on Thursdays, you did it for 5 weeks and then you flaked out. What makes me think you’d be a good grandmother when you were an absolutely horrible mother? I don’t know… but I was hoping we had a chance at an adult relationship. I was hoping you’d see just how delicious and irresistible my kids are. I was hoping you WANTED a second chance; because that’s what I was giving you, a SECOND CHANCE!
I accepted you, flaws and all. I never LIKED you, I accepted you. You were my mother, and I wanted a relationship with you. So I tried. I called. I made plans. I made an effort. You did as little as possible. You were more worried about yourself. You were out shopping with your 27-year-old friend when, instead, you could have been out shopping with your 27-year-old daughter. You were spending time with HER kid when you could have been spending time with YOUR grandkids. You’ve never liked me. It’s obvious. I just don’t understand why. I am your DAUGHTER!
When’s the last time you saw my kids before you called Child Protective Services? It was the day I came to your house on our way to the outdoor theatre. What about before that? You rarely saw my kids. You rarely saw me. Instead of calling me, asking me, coming over and seeing for yourself how I am, how my kids are, you listened to the exaggerating of a notorious gossiper and called social services.
The second thing I’d like you to know is what you did to my kids… Early one Monday morning, a strange man came into my home and woke me and my kids up. This man told the 3 of us that he was here to do his job, to protect kids in bad homes and make sure that they were being taken care of. He asked us if we knew what happened when a man like him comes into a home and finds that kids are beaten, dirty or hungry. He proceeded to tell MY KIDS that if ME AND THEIR DAD weren’t taking care of them, he would TAKE THEM AWAY and put them in a BETTER HOME. He asked them if mom or dad ever left them home alone. You know what Maddy said?! She said, AND I QUOTE: “No, my mommy never leaves us alone. But my candy grandma does when she picks up Auntie Jackie from work. She thinks we’re sleeping, but that’s when I get up to get something to eat.” Wow, you hypocrite. You really are grandmother of the year.
After that man left, the kids were really confused. I was extremely upset, crying in fact. Jason came home from work and we all sat down at the dining room table to answer any questions that the kids may have. They did. They had a lot. We all cried and cried; all of our hearts were broken because someone we love tried to take them away from us. The kids were confused because they didn’t understand why someone in our family would try to have them taken away. The kids slept with us that night. The next day we had our weekly family counseling session. Obviously all we could talk about was what happened the previous day. We found out that the kids were afraid that someone might break into our home and steal them while they were sleeping. They slept with us for a week. We had to take them to every window in the house and show them that they were locked. We had to change the locks on all of our doors and to this day, they have to watch me when I close and lock all of the doors at night. I was going to a friend’s house the other night and the kids would not let me go because they were afraid I wouldn’t come back. Their Aunt Angie was in town and took them to the State Fair. They refused to go without me. After a half an hour of coaching and talking and the kids crying, they finally agreed to go if I wrote my phone number on their bellies and promised to drop them off at the front gate and pick them up; so that’s what I did. The following day, Angie was taking all of us to Balistreri’s for dinner; it’s the kids’ favorite restaurant. They wouldn’t go. Jason and Angie had to get the food To-Go and bring it home.
Before we were supposed to leave for dinner, I talked to you on the phone. During that conversation is when you so nonchalantly told me that you were the one who called social services. The ROAR that came out of me wasn’t human. You are lucky you told me over the phone because if you were standing in front of me, I would have killed you. I went a little crazy for a while. I didn’t understand. You were the LAST person on my list of suspects. Never in my wildest imaginations would I have thought YOU of all people capable of such betrayal. Never did I think it was you because I rarely see you, rarely talk to you, I rarely confide my parenting dilemmas in you, when I do, you never tell me that what I’m doing is wrong and once or twice you’ve even given me sound advice. I never thought it was you because I KNOW you are too shallow to think very hard about anything but yourself and because you were the WORST mother I’ve EVER known! Who are YOU to judge ME?!
So, now, my kids won’t let me out of their site. They worry because they see me cry EVERY SINGLE DAY. They are confused about this entire mess AND they don’t know who they can trust! YOU, their CANDY GRANDMA, betrayed their trust and love! What you just did to these sweet, innocent kids they will remember for the rest of their lives! How are they supposed to trust anyone again? YOUR dysfunction has tainted my life and my kids’ lives for the LAST time. You know what Nick said about you?! Nick, my 8 year old little boy, said that you and great-grandma don’t like yourselves very much, that’s why you are so mean to us. How insightful he can be. I asked them, and neither one of my kids ever want to see you again. Nick is happy he never has to see anyone from our family again, and Maddy is upset because she can’t see her poppa and great-grandma. I’ll deal with that in time, but YOU, she doesn’t want to see, not after what you’ve done to us.
If only you would have called and talked to me. I think I know why you didn’t. I don’t think it’s because you “can’t talk to me”, I think it’s because whenever we have anything even close to a civil and serious conversation you turn abruptly deaf. I don’t think you can handle it. Otherwise, if I was so hard to talk to you could have written a letter, but again, that is too close for comfort isn’t it? It is too close to self-reflection, serious conversation and confrontation for you to deal with, isn’t it, mother?!

Don’t you see? Don’t you realize what happened? Grandma got caught for sneaking around with my kids in Cudahy. Jason and I talked about it, talked to the kids about it, the way she sneaks around, the way poppa drives, the kids don’t want to go anywhere with her anymore, so I told her she isn’t allowed to take them anymore. That happened a few days before you called social services. She must have been really mad because right after that, I was accused of leaving my kids alone.
The day she says I left them alone, Julie was on the front porch smoking and I told her that I was going for smokes and coffee. Everyone knows that the coffee shop and the gas station are right up the block from me. I was gone 10 (maybe 15) minutes. When I got home, I came up the front steps and Poppa was in my house. Grandma was on the back porch. I went downstairs to see what she wanted, but my other friend Julie came over with her 4 kids and I was too busy to talk to grandma. She just assumed and told everyone that I left the kids alone. Let me tell you something… Nick IS old enough to be left home alone… even Maddy is old enough to be left home alone for a few minutes, but I’d never allow it; I don’t trust them.
You know what I find interesting?! Maddy told me AND the social worker that “NO, mommy never leaves us alone, but my candy grandma does when she picks up auntie jack from work, she thinks we’re sleeping, but that’s when I get up to get something to eat.” And YOU, candy grandma, are the one that calls social services because you HEARD from a notorious gossiper that I left my kids alone. Wow. You really are a hypocrite. The reference from the bogus “tip” to social services was that I leave my kids “unattended for short periods of time,” when YOU are the one that has left my kids alone; funny how I find out from my kids that you leave them alone and not from you or Jackie. Why is that?! Is it because you knew I’d never let you have my kids alone again? Because you knew I’d never tolerate it. Or is it because you didn’t think it was a big deal?! But mother, it is a big deal… that’s the reason you called CPS on me! Really… WOW…
What else did I hear that you guys didn’t like? Oh, that (at 2 years old) Maddy was found at 5:30 in the morning by a neighbor playing outside in the backyard. Yeah, that sucked. How could I have prevented that? How could I know that something like that was going to happen? After all, she had to crawl out of her crib, open her bedroom door, unlock and open the back door in the kitchen and finally unlock and open the back door to get outside. That was quite a feat for a 2 year old! So after that incident, I put a lock on her bedroom door to prevent it from happening again. But instead, you and grandma think I should have gotten up at 5:30 every morning. Ok, fine. But what’s to say that she wouldn’t get up and do it at 5:00 am, or 3 am?!
You don’t like the fact that the kids make themselves cereal every morning. Really?! Then why is it that I read in my “Mothering” magazine that I should put cereal, bowls, milk, etc on lower shelves so that they can get it themselves?! It empowers them.
Why was I in the bathtub at 4:00 in the afternoon? Because Jason just got home from work and the kids and I were gardening all day. It was the only chance I had to take an hour to myself and also because I knew that if I waited until the kids went to bed I would have fallen into bed myself instead of the bathtub. Every night, after the kids go to bed, I stay up and clean up the house a little so that I can actually clean without the kids making a mess behind me. Sometimes I stay up late to watch a movie without being interrupted. The kids wake me up in the morning. I love it. They kiss me awake, sometimes they throw pillows and animals at me. Then I get up and spend every waking minute with them. I don’t shower or bathe in the mornings because I’d rather spend that time with them and because I don’t trust them for the 15 minutes it takes for me to shower. I saw the opportunity at 4:00 in the afternoon (because Jason got home early from work) to take a bath. And I seized that rare moment so I could have an hour to myself to finally wash my hair, shave and read a book in peace. Nick cutting himself with a BUTTER KNIFE was an ACCIDENT that very well could have happened with me standing right next to him! You giving him the hot-dog toaster was kind-of pointless since he obviously didn’t hurt himself while cooking the hotdog in the microwave.
Why was Nick making himself a hot dog? Because it was a snack and that’s what he wanted; He’s 8 years old, he knows how to and is perfectly capable of making his own hot dogs. Where was everyone when I was Nick’s age and cut myself on a pickle jar?! Oh yeah, I was left home alone (watching Jackie and Ben, mind you) while you, grandma and poppa were at Derse!!!
That is the last you’ll ever hear from me about my parenting and my children. I will never explain motives behind my actions to anyone ever again. It is none of your business. I just want you to know what you called social services for. I want to reiterate the fact that I have 4 witnesses that will tell you that I did NOT leave my kids home alone. Like I said, you believed a notorious gossiper with an ulterior motive; Shame on you.
Why is it that all of you question my ability as a mother? What’s ironic is that 5 years ago, when I really needed help, no one came around, no one was concerned. 5 years ago I was severely, severely depressed. Remember?! I ended up in ICU because I was so depressed and so tired that I felt I had to end it. No one came over to help me. No one came over and asked what I needed. No one; not you, not Jackie, not grandma… NOW, when I finally have every aspect of myself and my life together, you question my ability.

I don’t think you like me. I don’t think you like the way I live. I know you don’t like my husband. I know you don’t like the way I raise my kids. In fact, I don’t think you even like my kids! Why? What is the problem? I know that I am a “raw” person. I am rough around the edges. A lot of people don’t like me. I’m fine with that. But the rest of it… you don’t like anything about me and my life, and I don’t understand. I am an adult, and I am a GREAT mother. Are you jealous? What is the problem with me? Are you disappointed that I didn’t turn out to be abusive like you? That I didn’t end up with a terrible husband like you have TWICE?! Are you terribly jealous because I turned out better than I should have and you can’t take any credit for it? Is it because I’m in school trying to better myself and become more for myself and my kids? Is it because I’m not susceptible to any of the gossip and lies… What is it? Why, mother? WHY? I think you’ve always hated me. I think, in your eyes, nothing I do is ever good enough. And not because you think I deserve better, I think you just look for things to hate me. I want to know why. Even during my wedding festivities. It was obvious to me that you were never truly happy for me. Then when my children were born, was it an act? You sure don’t like to spend time with them now. What a grandma you are. I think you are still as selfish as you always were. And for some reason, I think you subconsciously want me to fail at everything. Why? What kind of person are you? I finally think I know why you don’t like me. Is it because I remind you of your darkest hour? Do I remind you of all of the past that you so desperately want buried?
I wish I could hurt you as much as you’ve hurt me; but you’ll do it to yourself. And then I hope that you spend eternity in hell, because that’s where you belong. You’ve destroyed so many things for so many people. You belong in hell.
If you pursue a civil suit, which I know you won’t because I’m sure you feel relieved that you don’t have to see us ever again, but just in case you do, I will sue you for negligence, slander, emotional suffering and for purely wasting my time. I will not agree to you ever seeing my kids again. I’ll be seeing you in court anyways because you owe me over $2,000.00 for the phone. Which makes me ask another question: Why do you feel I owe you ANYTHING?! YOU are the MOTHER; your job is to take care of ME, not the other way around. So why would you make me pay your phone bill all these years? And then give me and my husband a hard time when we ask you to pay your half. And you do the same thing to Jackie. WHY are WE responsible for YOU? NEVER would I EVER ask my kids for money, ask them to pay a bill of mine, or EXPECT them to.
Another question: What did you think was going to happen when you called social services? What did you want to happen? Did you honestly believe that social services were going to come into my home to find unfit, abusive, neglectful parents? What’s the matter with you? I guess the fact is that you don’t know anything about the way I parent because you are NEVER around to see it! If you honestly thought that social service’s job isn’t to take kids out of homes, then you are too STUPID and too dangerous to be around any of us. You wanted to “open my eyes,” to what?! I think you’ve sorely mistaken and tried to give the wrong person a reality check. And you can’t talk to me?! You’re the one that goes spontaneously DEAF every time a serious conversation comes up! You’ve got some nerve blaming this on me!
And you use what you did against me! “Amanda, if you have nothing to hide, what’s the big deal?” What’s the big deal?! CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES WAS IN MY HOME!!! You don’t see what the big deal is?! And the fact is that CPS was IN my home because of my completely crazy, delusional and dysfunctional EXTENDED family. NOT because of something that I actually did or didn’t do. CPS coming into my home and asking my kids questions IS a BIG deal, it’s HUGE. The fact that it isn’t a big deal to you proves just how sick up you really are. I think you called CPS on me for neglect because you are jealous that I am in school for nursing and you know that if any form of abuse or neglect were on my records, I wouldn’t be able to get a job. That’s why you’re a lifetime waitress, isn’t it?! You can’t get a CNA or any form of nursing job because of the CHILD ABUSE on your record! So now you want to hurt me (and my very bright future)… MOTHER, REALIZE that I was 10 YEARS OLD when the police came to the house and arrested YOU for abusing ME! It is NOT my fault that you can’t get a nursing job, it is YOURS.
You know what CPS assessed about me and my kids?! He said I have beautiful, very well-adjusted children, a beautiful home and I am a GREAT mother. CPS is welcome into my home BECAUSE I have nothing to hide, but YOU thinking that my kids and I need CPS intervention, that CPS coming into my home isn’t anything to get angry about… YOU need SERIOUS help. I’ve never met anyone in my life that NEEDS more intervention or professional help than YOU.
The more I write and think, the more I realize I should have cut you out of my life a long time ago. Well, now you have no one to blame but yourself. You caused this mess… ALL of it, and now you have to live with the consequences. You will never see my children again. You will not see them grow, graduate, marry and become parents. You will not share in birthdays or holidays. You will not hear their sweet voices and funny stories or feel their bear hugs and butterfly kisses. You’ll never smell their sweet scents. I pity you. You just ruined it for yourself some of God’s greatest gifts. But you never cherished any of it in the first place, so I guess it’s not that big a loss to you after all.
What you did seriously made me reflect and out of all, it made me realize what sick human beings I am dealing with here. I have heard a number of times that I am dealing with unhealthy people, and I finally realized it’s true! I told Jason that this was the worst year of my life. He made me realize that while it may be the HARDEST year of my life, it is in actuality the best because I am weeding out all of the bad, toxic people. In the long run, it will make my life easier and a lot BETTER.
That box in your bedroom, full of everything you ever gave me, (sad that everything you have ever given me fits into one tiny box) was very symbolic and healing to me. All of the shattered glass on top of all of the good memories and gifts was very representational of all the things you destroyed, everything I tried so hard to build. You shattered my dreams and hopes of you. You destroyed all of it, not me.
I know you’ll be showing this letter to Jackie, so I’ll kill 2 birds with one stone. I know that you confided in Jackie about your “concerns.” I know that she came over here to SPY on your and grandmas behalf. I know that you talked to her and grandma for about an hour before you called the city of Wauwatosa, and I know that you spoke to them and a few others for HOURS afterwards. I know that the only reason you told me that you are the one that called is because Poppa told you that “everyone is in the dog house” for it. I know that Jackie knew all about it all along, and I know that one of the reasons she hasn’t called me is because she is ashamed and knows that all of this is gotten WAY out of hand and she doesn’t know who to believe. I know that she was trying to protect you when she was trying to convince me that one of my neighbors was the one to call CPS. The thing is… I knew it wasn’t one of my neighbors or one of my friends who called CPS because they are around every day to see just how well I take care of my children.
For your information, I will be sending a copy of this letter to grandma and poppa, for a few reasons. One, I want them to understand where I am coming from. Two, I want them to understand just how horrible a mother you truly are/were. And Three, when all of you gossip, I want each of you to have a copy of the letter so that all of the FACTS remain and don’t get exaggerated.
Finally, I’m certain that you don’t care about anyone but yourself, but just in case, I will tell you now… don’t play with me. You just proved to me that my children really are better without you in their lives. I try to be the best person and mother I can possibly be. I will exhaust every resource I have to in order to do that. My life revolves around my kids. Everything I am, everything I do and think is FOR THEM. You are dangerous to my kids. You are too unhealthy, unstable, ignorant and dysfunctional. They deserve better than you. You will not get anywhere near them again. If you do not pay me what you owe me by August 29th, I will see you in court and after that, I will be getting a restraining order. Do not try me. Do not show up at my home, the kids’ school, or anywhere else we will be. I will call the police if you do. Your threats, your lies, everything you are and say and do have thoroughly strengthened my position. You will never get near my kids again. You are no longer their grandmother nor are you my mother. You are dead to me. Dead. I am physically sick because of you. But not for long, and you will never make me feel this way again; you have made me feel this way too many times before. I regret letting you into my life when I had the option of shutting you out a long time ago. I regret subjecting my children to your nonsense. But I will never, ever regret finally shutting you out of our lives. I’m done. I’m disgusted. I’m hurt. You are disgrace to motherhood and I hope that all of this hurts you HALF as much as you have hurt me over the last 28 years. You screwed up your second and last chance with me.