The Day the Farm Stood Still

“Greetings Earthling. My name is Zoltan. I am from the Confederacy of Humble yet Heroic Planets over there next to that bright star just above the barn. If you would be so kind as to take me to your leader, I shall be forever in your debt.”

“Oink!”

“Egbert, I don’t seem to be able to understand what our new friend is saying.”

“My Lord, he is apparently not a human, but rather a member of a somewhat lower species called Pig.”

“Well, never mind that, what did he say?”

“He is asking to see if you might be in a mood to give him a bit of food, maybe an ear of corn or possibly some…I believe it’s pronounced ‘watermelon’.”

“Well Pig, I don’t have any of this ‘watermelon’ but I do have a tube of nutrition paste. If you direct me to the nearest human, the paste is yours.”

“Oink!”

“He said you have a deal. There is a human sleeping on the porch over there.”

“Come Egbert. We must make contact.”

“Approach him with caution my Lord. He appears to be sleeping and could be dangerous if woken unexpectedly.”

“Excuse me kind sir…sir? Egbert, I think he may be dead, what does your med-scan indicate?”

“My Lord, he appears to be intoxicated from an over indulgence in … I believe the local vernacular is White Lightning.”

“Snort!!”

“Egbert! He stirs. Perhaps now we can have civil discourse. Excuse me sir, I am Zoltan. I am from the Confederacy of Humble yet Heroic Planets. We are here to invite your world to join our union. Would you be so kind as to take us to your leader?”

“Talking purple sheep!! Thelma! Git out here pronto and bring my shotgun!”

“My Lord, he appears to be taking offensive action. Perhaps we should consider shooting him or something.”

“Good thinking Egbert. Hand me my ray gun will you. That’s a good chap. Hey! What’s that running this way? Run Egbert! Run!”

“My Lord, I think we should run into that enclosure over there. Perhaps we can lock him out before he gets to us.”

“Good thinking Egbert.”

“I think we may be safe in here sir.”

“Tell me Egbert, what kind of beast is that thing? I have never been so terrified in my entire life.”

“He is what they call Dog. This particular one appears to be a variant called Border Collie.”

“Say Border Collie, why did you chase us into this fenced in enclosure.”

“Woof!”

“Egbert?”

“He says it’s his job sir.”

“How can herding aliens be your job?”

“Woof?”

“He said he thought we were sheep.”

“But we’re purple.”

“Woof, Bark!”

“He said he is color blind. Also, before he can let us out, he is going to need to see some identification.”

“What about the gentleman on the porch with the gun?”

“Arf! Ruff!”

“He said don’t worry. That’s just his pet man. If our IDs check out, he will take us to his leader.”

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