Ashud Pantcalla Borka Pash in Antwerp

Ashud Pantcalla Borka Pash in Antwerp

Created 2004



Good day British Upper Yackum consulate staff.

My name is Mr Lundts Poorviege, Hearings Officer for the Belgium department of Illegal Refugee Contentment and Cultural Awarness. I'm writing on behalf of Mr Ashud Pantcalla Borka Pash and his brother, Mr Owsot Frink Pash.

Mr Pash has been detained for illegally entering Belgium. He was among 24 Yackums found inside a shipping container in Antwerp. He has claimed refugee status and as such is entitled to one correspondence a day through my office. This office has been unable to contact any Yackum government office. We therefore request your assistance in this matter.

Mr Pash has requested your office relay this and any future messages to the Yackum Ministry of Displaced Persons, Garbage Collection and Pig Control and it is hoped they in turn will relay these messages to his family in rural Zomewat, Lower Yackum, Yackum.

Here then is the first of Mr Pash's correspondences.

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Message # 1/ Please tell them Ashud is in Antwerp

Good tidings beloved and other assorted Pash family members. It is me Ashud. For uncounted days I and Oswat spend crammed in container only to find not in glourious United States of America. Am told in Belgium. Please have Comliat at missionary in Upla look in books and find where Belgium is. How close to glourious United States have we to go? Many thanks. The Belgiumers treating us like Gods. We given room which only four has to share. Only one for each bed! We eat like kings. We given 23 Euros each. 23 Euros each day they say. We not have to work in fields or mines either. We have new clothes. Pants too. All love to Birta, Jut, Uhata, little Ashuds 1 through 7, Oppaleti, Jimpa, Jumpa, Jompa, Fowfa, Ti, Oober, Kempki, Monkka, Tiffany, other Jumpa, Botyejk, Putitomli, Mr Howka Pash, but no mention to General Oosfec. Eternal pestilence be on his head. Belgium immigration man requests stop this letter now. Tell Jompa catch lots of bats. Much love given. Less sighs and wiping of tears.

Ashud

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Message # 2/ Ashud begs forgiveness


Blessed greetings to all loyal followers of our great and fearless leader General Oosfec. Ashud now realizes previous talk of no mention of General Oosfec and eternal pestilence be on his head may get Ashud and Oswot's families killed or sent to work in rice mines. Sorryness sent to Upper Yackum Ministry of Displaced Persons, Garbage Collection and Pig Control. Please not kill Birta, Jut, Uhata, little Ashuds 1 through 7, Oppaleti, Jimpa, Jumpa, Jompa, Fowfa, Ti, Oober, Kempki, Monkka, Tiffany, other Jumpa, Botyejk, Putitomli, Mr Howka Pash. Kill pain in butt Jimpa if great and blessed leader thinks blood must be shed. Even Mr Howka Pash or ugly Kempki if leader really mad but not Birta or Oober please. Ashud promises to send Minister 76 Euros each week to overlook Ashud's transgression. Oswot says he not say bad things about General Oosfec so thinks he send only 16 Euros. Much forgiveness asked. Will send Jello. Hi to Jut. Hi to good man General Oosfec and kind Minister of Displaced Persons, Garbage Collection and Pig Control who's name Ashud does not know.

Ashud

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Message # 3/ Ashud and Oswot to look around.


Ashud's recieved letter today from beloved family. Ashud's heart soars but Ashud still big worried. Ashud not heard what beloved and fearless leader General Oosfec say. Ashud offers Jimpa's goat Flet in humble forgiveness. Botyejk's goat too. Ashud asks Birta to hide Euros Ashud and Oswot will send under bed mat. Ashud tells Birta be patient. Ashud offers bribes to Belgium man so family can leave Lower Yakum. Offer Jimpa as bride too. Ashud and Oswot will go now and see Antwerp. Oswot wants to see Belgium pigs. Must find new fishnet. Ashud will look for Jennifer Lopez and Elton John and Mickey Mouse today. Ashud wishes you give blessing to Birta and wishes much love sent for her. Oswot misses assorted family members too. Peace be with the worthy.

Ashud

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Message # 4/ Ashud sees Antwerp. Few Belgium flies


Glourious greetings to beloved and not so beloved ones back in Yackum huts. Much happenings here. All great and cunning General Oosfec still no threats make. Ashud and Oswot beg more forgiveness from honourable leader for life Oosfec. Unsure why beloved big boss Oosfec not screaming and hurting nameless bugs Ashud and Oswot's families yet. Belgium immigration man suggests Ashud change subject. Good. Less talk of heroic fearless General Oosfec terrible ways. Was making Ashud's skin creep. Belgium much bigger than Zomewat. Many flies unseen but sadly Belgiumers very pig poor. Much pigeons Ashud see but no trapping. Belgium is goat and chicken barren yet Belgiumers round and happy. Markets inside here. Houses made of rock and brick. Belgiumers hurry like ants. No singing from Belgium women. Belgium women walk with men! Ashud and Oswot saw many Belgium women legs! No shit. No shrines to Othma or Pinka or Sammi. No Belgium soliders seen. Ashud wonders how great and glouroius Belgium generals crack heads of nameless Belgium bugs. All thoughts to Birta, Jut, Uhata, little Ashuds 1 through 7, Oppaleti, Jimpa, Jumpa, Jompa, Fowfa, Ti, Oober, Kempki, Monkka, Tiffany, other Jumpa, Botyejk, Putitomli, Mr Howka Pash. Will speak with Ashud #1 next following letter. May Pinka guide and keep you.

Ashud

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Message # 5/ Ashud wants to talk with eldest son Ashud #1


Wonderous blessing be upon you humble and worthy family. Ashud's head now sleeps on feathers. Ashud's belly burps loudly with laughter. But Ashud's heart drops low with thoughts of terrible Yackum and glourious leader General Oosfec's spineless ways. Ashud tell other beloved family members to get lost now. Ashud wants only to talk with #1 son. Clear off. All but Ashud #1. Even little Jut. You too thorn in my butt Jimpa. Dearest #1 son. Ashud has much telling to do with you. Obey your pure mother Birta. Obey pure mother Birta concerning all things except pure mother's mother Jimpa. Obey only Ashud about blessed and venerable grandmother Jimpa. Uphold sister's and little brother's honour. No stealing. Tend nets in morning and again at night and again in afternoon and again before sun goes down and again before sun wakes up and again if catches are heavy and again if catches are small. Tell Botyejk catch many grasshoppers for our chickens. Tell Ashud #5 and Fowfa and Uhata and Tiffiny watch our goats. Ashud #5 must count goats often. If goats get mixed with other village goats Ashud #5 must pick fattest goats as ours. Remember blessed and venerable grandmother Jimpa's rice bowl only knows half portions. She is old but very giving. Don't listen to foul speaking from blessed and venerable Grandmother's lips about Ashud. Have blessed and venerable grandmother Jimpa clean out shitpot every morning and any puddles she or youngest ones make. You are eldest son in home Ashud #1. Wake first. Eat last. Walk tall.Some morning soon Ashud wishes for all his beloved family to join him away from terrible Yackum and fearless leader Oosfec and his piss ants friends.

Ashud

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Message #6/ Belgiumers speak gibberish and much hard to understand


Oodles of thanksgivings sending your way dear humble and wretched family. May Pinka's blessings be upon you all...but if Pinka's blessings are few, then may Pinka bless Birta first, next little Jut, then Oober, Ashud #1, #3, #5, #6, Fowfa, Birta again, Botyejk, and if any blessings still unblessed, then Monkka, the other Ashuds, (it matters not, you choose), Jompa, Ti, again Birta and lastly Tiffany. Oswot sends smiles and waves. He is much pleased with Belgium and thinks here our journey should end. Is true Belgiumers each one has own shoes and no sharing of pants and their water is clear, not green, and falls out of pipes in Belgium houses, no carrying from rivers for Belgium women, but Belgiumers get angry often. When Ashud and Owsot gather firewood, Belgiumers get angry. Plenty of trees in Antwerp but none for firewood. When Ashud and Owsot open Antwerp doors, Belgiumers get angry. Not like in Zomewat where Zomewat doors always open. Here Antwerp doors closed. Must first knock and ask before going inside. Belgiumers speak gibberish and much hard to understand. After much looking still haven't seen Elton John or Mickey Mouse. USA has plenty of firewood, speak no gibberish and Elton John and Mickey Mouse doors are always open to Yackum guests. Owsot must not lose dream. Must find USA and live in BIG house with many rooms, own many rice mines, many banana boats,  many goats, many pigs, many donkeys, many cars. Belgium is glorious but not USA glorious. Peace and fruitfulness to you while Ashud works to one day send for you all. May your days still in pisspot Yackum be few.

Ashud

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