Hopeful Conclusion

  Jeff was an average adolescent, looking for a way to "find himself". A loner by nature, Jeff had a few close friends, mainly from his neighborhood, mostly because his parents were on the "overprotective side". He was 14 years old chronologically, but was naive about the street life and people in general.



  Jeff was just starting at his attempt to embark upon manhood and all the promises of independence. Yes, he had smoked his first cigarette at 12, but didn't realize the implications of such an endeavor. Carousing through the forbidden territory of his father's desk, was the discovery of his dad's inventory of tobacco products. "Just one pack won't be missed", he thought as he slipped it into his pants. He was basically honest, so he thought, but that way his parents wouldn't be hurt by finding out, was his logic.



  The days rolled on like a scroll unfurled. Summer went by faster than usual, with the nights getting longer, days getting cooler. About time to get back to the hustle and bustle of school. Matthew, Jeff's dad, seemed to notice a distance growing between Jeff and himself, but he just couldn't place it. Jeff was in his own little world, trying to fit in at school. He didn't have time for bonding. He only wanted to be cool with the dudes, and find a good piece of tail he could call his own.



  Jeff had a way of making friends at this time. He had finally "made the scene" by partaking in a little weed every now and then. The guys (and girls) would flock to him like birds staging during spring. All he had to do was to pull out a joint and say "Let's fire up". At one point in time, smoke rolled out of his van like fog rolling over a lake in the early autumn weather. So much for lunch break at Canton High!



  Naomi was concerned about Matthew. He had a cold for quite some time now, and just couldn't shake it. Jeff just wasn't around to understand or even notice his mother's concern. He was just getting into his new found utopia, and enjoying every minute of it. Except for when he ran out of weed!



  Jeff was really drifting. Grades were slipping with each step he took. In all of this, he couldn't help but continue on the path he was taking. He felt that he was being elevated to a higher plane. Higher was right, but only in intoxication! Jeff was now the head of his class - - - pothead that is! Jeff was also drinking his weight in booze each month if not each week.



  Although Jeff was in his own little world, he knew that something was not right at home. His dad had missed some work, very unusual for him. One day, his mom came to him. "Jeff, your dad went to the doctor today", she said with seriousness in her voice. "They found a spot on his lung that they are concerned with." Jeff was in shock! He knew that something was not right, but he just couldn't place it. All he could think of was to find a joint to calm his nerves.



  Jeff was taking things a bit more seriously now. He could only think the worst. Days passed by like a blur. His grades at school were teetering on C's, the worse they had ever been. Yet in all this, the only way he could find to escape from depression was to fire up another joint or hit the bottle again. Then one day he would never forget, his mother had told him, "Son, they did x-rays at the hospital, Your father has cancer." Tears flowed down his cheeks like rain trickling down a window pane. He couldn't get this out of his mind. He just knew this was the beginning of the end! Depression had really sunk in by now, masked by the after effects of his now, daily high.



  Two weeks had gone by in an emotional whirlwind. Jeff's grades had bottomed out, along with any sense of hope that he had. "They did all they could,"  his mother said. Now they had brought Matthew home to rest from the drain of the chemo-therapy. Jeff was in a daze that he thought would never end! He watched as his father had wasted away to a mere 80 pounds. Severe headaches had plagued his father nearly 24/7. The cancer had spread to his brain.



  Numb from what all had taken place, Jeff looked for other ways to ease the pain. It was as if Matthew had transferred just a taste of the agony that he was going through to Jeff. Buried deep within him, Jeff still had a soul, however hard it was to find. School was a joke. What was the meaning of it all? It didn't seem to matter anymore. The only way to make it now was to "feel better," that was the secret.



  The Hearse pulled away, Jeff and what was left of his family following behind. Tears that had flooded his pillow night after night were nearly dried up by now. A plethora of emotions raced through his head. Anger, bitternes, sadness and yet relief, were going though Jeff's mind.Jeff was on his way down a spiral to an abyss he could never crawl out of on his own. Parties were now his major, with hallucinogens being one of the courses. Every day was a new excursion down a slippery path of self-destruction. It didn't seem right to be straight, to have a view unobscured by escapism.



  Time moved on like leaves falling in the autumn wind. Jeff was ready for summer, parties and all. Jeff was just cruising around, trying to find something to do. Finally, Donnie, one of Jeff's best friends, pulled up beside Jeff at Canton Park. "Hey, what's up?" said Jeff. "Not much," replied Donnie. "What are you up to?" "Just trying to find something to do. I've been driving around for a couple of hours. Nobody's around." Jeff moaned. "Hey, do you know where I can find some acid?" Donnie asked. "I'm not sure, maybe Pete knows." said Jeff.



  Pete was just sitting up the road at the park shelter. Pete was really different, way out in his own little world. It was hard telling what Pete was thinking about, sitting there, all alone. Jeff and Donnie started to approach Pete. "Get that little SOB out of here!" exclaimed Pete. Jeff thought, "What did I do?"  He walked away. Donnie and Pete were up there at the shelter for quite some time. Jeff, still bewildered, waited for Donnie to return to the other shelter. Donnie came back with a small smile on his face. "Well, did you score?" asked Jeff. Donnie didn't say anything. "What are you doing tonight?" Jeff asked. "I'm going to a party." Donnie said. "Cool, where at?" Jeff asked. "You're not going!" he exclaimed. "Why not?" Jeff replied. About that time, Donnie knocked Jeff to the ground and pinned him there. Donnie drew back his fist, as if he was going to punch Jeff square in the nose. "What did I do?" Jeff asked with a puzzled frown on his face. Donnie said "You're not going!" and got up, shaking his head. He drove off, leaving Jeff for who knows where. Jeff got up and took off in the other direction.



  Jeff drove around for a couple of hours. Frustrated with not knowing where the party was, Jeff finally found someone to buy him a bottle. He cruised around some more, a drink in one hand, a cigarette and the steering wheel in the other. Not the wisest decision, as he soon would find out. It was dark by now, making it easier to hide his drink from plain sight. All of a sudden, sirens started to wail. Jeff killed the rest of his drink and shoved the bottle under his seat. False alarm! The sirens screamed past Jeff, heading toward the highway.



  Jeff was sitting in the parking lot of the bank. The local hangout was nearly empty. It seemed that everyone had gone to the party except Jeff. Jane had pulled up next to Jeff's van. "Did you hear what happened?" Jane asked. "No, replied Jeff, what's going on?" "Donnie and Vance and Terry were in an accident!" "It seems that it was pretty bad!" she exclaimed. Jeff couldn't believe what he just heard. "I was supposed to be with them!" he thought. He didn't even realize that somebody, or something, must have been looking out for him. He was in a daze. He went to Donnie's parents home. Not knowing what to do, he just cried with them. "I'm so sorry," was all he could say. He then left as abruptly as he came in.



  Jeff was in a whole different world. It wasn't supposed to be this way! Both Donnie and Vance had been thrown from the vehicle on impact. Only Terry survived, but he was in a coma for 2 days. Thank God he made it, was Jeff's thoughts. Jeff read the newspaper the next week, just to see what happened. Police estimated that Donnie's vehicle was traveling over 80 miles per hour in the passing lane when they hit another car head-on. He read on. There was another vehicle involved. Those that arrived on the scene reported that the driver, (Donnie), was still alive and walking across the highway when another vehicle raced passed those that tried to flag them down. Donnie was hit and the car dragged him for about 50 feet.  Just into high school at 14, Dad passed on the following year, and now, two of his best friends dead only 9 months after his father passed away! What next?



  Jeff's grades were basically non-existant by this time. Teachers passed Jeff, mostly out of sympathy, it seemed. Jeff couldn't care less. Numb the pain was his daily quest at this time. Weed was now more accessable, thanks to survivor benefits from Social Security. Toking up was now several times a day, instead of several times a week. Just to put a little variety in life, acid became Jeff's way of "discovering himself and the secret of life." "Total awareness" was what Jeff thought he was experiencing with each trip that he took.



  This summer was a hot one! Jeff didn't have a vehicle now. He blew the motor in his van when he went into a ditch full of water, completely submerging the engine. Everywhere he went, he was hitch-hiking. All was not bad for him, he thought. He found a girlfriend this summer, a cute blonde that was only a couple of years younger than he was. He felt like he was in 7th heaven! Everyday during the summer, he would hitch-hike about 20 miles one way just to see her. Things were going great, so he thought. After seeing her for several months, she had started doing acid, thanks to some of the friends she had. She had asked Jeff if he knew where he could get her some acid. Jeff just stood there. It finally hit him. What should he do? He couldn't lecture her about the dangers of doing it, (he knew himself that she might "flip out".) That would make him a hypocrite, for he was still doing it. He just couldn't get his mind off of Donnie and what happened to him. Hesitantly, he reached into his pocket and handed her a hit. "Be careful, Rebecca, I don't want anything to happen to you!" he exclaimed.



  Jeff couldn't get his mind off of Rebecca. He was slowing down some on his partying, wondering if Rebecca might be the one he had been looking for, for so long. One day, after Jeff had made his 20 mile trek to see her, she dropped a bombshell on him! "I slept with Scott," she said with her head hung down. Jeff just looked at her with tears in his eyes. It seemed like forever before he could say anything. "Hey, I forgive you. We can still make this work!" he replied. Rebecca just turned around and walked away. Jeff was crushed! What was he going to do?



  A couple of weeks passed by. Jeff was so lost! He couldn't get Rebecca off his mind. He just had to do something! But what? Jeff decided to talk with Rebecca's mother. He called her one afternoon. Jeff's naivety was about to show! Jeff proceeded to tell her mother that Rebecca was going out with one of the biggest drug dealers around Canton. He was so shocked by what he had just done that he couldn't remember her mother's reaction - or if she even expressed one! The next day, 2 of Rebecca's close friends, Damon and Liza, came over to confront Jeff about the situation. "Is it true what you told Rebecca's mom?" Liza asked. "Rebecca's crushed!" Jeff had just woke up when they came over. "So what if I did?" Jeff snapped back. "We're going to do something about this!!" Liza exclaimed. Jeff rolled over and went back to sleep.



  After about a month later, Jeff had forgotten about the confrontation with Damon and Liza. Jeff walked into town, looking for something to do. He walked the railroad tracks to town, just for a little solitude. When he arrived at the park in Canton, he saw Damon. Damon asked, "What's happenin' Jeff?" "Just looking for something to do," he replied.

"I"ve got some acid," Damon said. "I don't know - I guess I can do some," he replied, "but if I flip out, I'll kill you!" Damon looked at him, but just handed him some. "How much is there?" he asked, (because it was broken in pieces). "Just a couple of hits," Damon said. Jeff looked at Damon and took the acid.



  Jeff was in for the ride of his life! He knew something was wrong! Why was everybody staring at him with a frown on their face? And why were they talking about him all the time? Jeff realized something. Everytime he dropped acid, he felt like he was more aware about life in general. This time was the same, only he didn't enjoy what he discovered - - - everyone seemed to be against him! That's where the "total awareness" left him! Two days later, he was still tripping. He knew he had to do something, so he reluctantly signed himself into the mental institution with the help of his mother. Mentally, he fought every step of the way.



  Naomi had been through a lot over the past few years, but this was just icing on the cake! Through all the trials, though, she had developed a relationship with Jesus Christ. He was the only one who could help her through all this. She had witnessed to Jeff many times in the past couple of years, but to no avail. Still, she kept on believing that things would be alright for Jeff someday! She just knew in her heart that was true! Her son needed to find the truth about Christ!



  Jeff was in the hospital for about a month. Bizarre and strange behaviors by the other patients in the hospital was about as intense as his trip had been! Strange things had happened in that place, too strange to mention! The bizarre slowly became the norm, though, and he learned how to cope. That was only after a bad reaction to Haldol, a drug that was used (successfully, in most cases) to control psychotic behavior in patients. Neuroleptic malignant syndrome was what the reaction he had was called. Severe muscle cramps in his neck, twisted his head to one side and made his tongue hang out to that side. His breathing was rapid, and his heart raced like never before! Finally after about a half an hour, (the hospital pharmacy was closed), they injected him with Cogentin to counteract the side effects. Relief had come, but not after the side effects had renewd some of the paranoia that he had experienced from his trip. Towards the end of his month-long visit, though, he finally realized that the doctors and staff were only trying to help. His condition had improved dramatically during the last week, and he was getting ready for a review with the staff about his possible dismissal. After the doctor had asked several questions, Jeff was nearly in tears. He was more than ready to try to get back home! "Is there anything you would like to say?" the doctor asked. Tears started to flow down Jeff's cheeks. Unrehearsed and sincere, Jeff stated"I love you all!" as he stood before the group of staff that he had to face. He noticed a nurse that was wiping a tear from her face after he had said that. He read her lips as she looked towards heaven and whispered "Thank you!" The next day, Jeff was dismissed.



  Jeff had been through quite an ordeal of his own making. Each day was a bit of a challenge as he was reintroduced to the real world. Naivety had nearly vanished, replaced by healthy fear of what dangers existed in trusting the wrong crowd.



  Jeff was at home with his mother one day. He didn't have a job, and was pretty bored, overall. He decided to find something to read from his mother's bookcase. He found a book written by Billy Graham, How to be Born Again. He read about how Jesus had been born of the Virgin Mary, by the Holy Spirit. He read about how He lived a perfect life and did no wrong. He also read about Jesus taking the punishment for all the wrongs that each person ever did, by dying on the cross for our sins. Jeff decided that this was something that he needed very much! He knew that he had put many people, especially his own mother Naomi, through a living hell! Jeff had to pray! He prayed that God would forgive him for all that he did wrong, and asked Jesus to come into his life and save him.



  Jeff went on with his life, but was wondering what he was going to do about a job. Bored again, he went to check the mail. There was a letter from Publisher's Clearing House. "Wow, this must be the answer to my being unemployed!" he thought. He opened the letter with anticipation that he might possibly win. He looked at the letter and the contents. Then he looked at the computer picked numbers that he had to enter the contest with. To his amazement, he saw 3 numbers evenly spaced in each of his numbers. Fear came over him as he read 666. He had remembered hearing from his grandfather that there would come a day that anyone who hadn't given their life to Christ would have to take a mark in their right hand or forehead that meant that there would be no hope of them escaping the punishment of hell. He was so frightened by that thought, that he turned as white as a sheet. Then he remembered what Billy Graham had written in his book. He remembered that he said that if you said the sinners prayer, (which is what Jeff had prayed earlier), and meant it in your heart, that you would be born again. Jeff still had a fear about him, but he said out loud "Lord, you promised!" Immediately after he said that, a peace came over him like he never felt in all his life! He had finally found the help he needed through a relationship with the Creator! The road to recovery was long and difficult, but Jeff had a good start on "finding himself" again!