Confessions: Part II

If you want to know more about me, read "Confessions" in my portfolio. It is the one I wrote before I started this diary.

!!!-July 24, 2008-

It's been over a year since I've written anything. I hope that means that I'm coping with things better. I just seem to be so busy. I've quit the Hard Rock Cafe and I'm now working as a secretary (lol, how gay does that sound?) at a hotel in the business district in New Orleans. If you've heard the rumors that hotel employees get a lot of ass... ITS NOT FUCKING TRUE!!!

I'm glad I've finally found time to write again. And I'm a little sad that no one has left me messages, but I guess that's to be expected since I have literally disappeared for almost a year. I do find time to hang with friends though and I get the weekends off. I've had a couple of flings, but I've not found the right person yet. It will probably be a long time until I do from what I hear about life and love.

I've also decided to take a class in journalism. I've found that I've missed writing so much and that I lost a big chunk of myself when I quit. I'm taking it up again. Hey, maybe you guys will be able to read one of my books in a few years. Look me up!! I will try to continue writing on here too. My best to everyone.- James

Oh, and P.S.- I graduated highschool. I'm done with that hell. Heh.


!!!-July 28, 2008-


Well, I've found more time to write. I think it's so ironic that I've met somebody just after my last entry. I kept going on about not having anyone except casual flings. I was walking back to my apartment and literally bumped into this beautiful young man walking down Decatur St. There are so many tourists near the French Quarter area, even a street or two over.

Back to what happened: I apologized profusely and he just kept smiling and telling me it was all right. But he didn't continue walking. He just put his hand on my arm (which is sorta funny because I'm a good two feet taller) and asked me my name. I kept stuttering and finally managed to clear my head enough to say, "James. Or Kelso. Whatever you want." How embarrassing.

Before I continue, I first have to explain why I was so taken with this boy. I normally go for guys like me: athletic and stupidly macho. But this boy was so gorgeous that I couldn't help but be enthralled. He has pretty brown eyes with long dark eyelashes. He looks very ethnic in a middle-eastern/Persian way. His hair is strange though, almost black but he has a white streak (dyed?) above the hairline of his left eye.

He told me his name is Ezekiel. And I couldn't stop staring down at him. I couldn't! It was impossible in the way it is impossible for an eighty year old quadriplegic to climb Mt. Everest in a snowstorm without a wheelchair. I think he noticed, which terrified the hell out of me. I started to back away, but he wouldn't let me! I felt trapped and frightened by my immediately strong attraction.

He said, "Are you going to be in town tonight?" I nodded. I think my voice box went on vacation to Mexico for a brief moment.

"I live here," I told him.

He grinned (was he pleased or making fun of me?) and said, "Great! I work at this bar called Oz. Why don't you stop by for a few minutes later and I can give you my number." It was an order rather than an inquiry, but in a cute way.

And then he walked off. He left me standing in the middle of the sidewalk with my heart hanging out of my chest trying to crawl away and follow him. I guess the rest of me was too shocked to even consider the idea. My heart is a very smart and bloody determined fellow, I think.

Afterwards, I went to Katie's apartment for about two hours because she insisted on watching Gossip Girl and Oprah. I think my mind may have sizzled and exploded in some places- I'm not sure. It was a horrific experience. Well it got dark and I walked to the bar, Oz. I've been there twice, but never by myself.

Needless to say, when I stepped inside I felt myself get extremely nervous. I didn't see Ezekiel and suddenly I was sure that I had heard him wrong or he had been joking. It didn't help that there were quite a few people inside and a couple of guys by the door stared at me like they were examining a foreign insect. My heart felt like it was running a marathon and trying to persuade my legs to do the same.

I sat on the bar stool and felt like a pussy because I couldn't order alcohol. I'd left my fake I.D. in my other jeans pocket. Idiot, I know. Instead I ordered water.

"Why are you in a bar if you aren't going to order a beer, dude?" the bartender asked, more curious than rude. ( 'dude' is such a funny word. DUDE. haha)

"I'm looking for Ezekiel. Doesn't he work here?" I asked. The bartender leaned toward me over the counter and started acting like an dumbass.

"You don't need that little boy. You need someone like me, honey." I was more than angry and decided to leave.

I was halfway to the door when I heard, "James!" I spun around and saw the very same angel I had run into on the street.

When I tell you he is gorgeous, I mean it. I've never had much confidence except when I played sports in school, but when this perfect boy stood in front of me and smiled, I felt like I was participationg in the Olympics. I figure if he likes me, then maybe I've achieved something.

"I wasn't sure you'd come," he said.

I shrugged (like a bloody idiot) and grinned (like a bloody idiot) and said, "I guess I like you," (like a bloody idiot).

I could feel my face get hot, but I don't think he could see me blushing through the shadows. Amazingly, Ezekiel grinned and said, "I like you too." It's strange how the most simple words have such an affect on me. I am such a pushover. Haha.

"So you came for my number?" he asked me. I nodded and took a deep breath before I spoke.

"Yeah... Um... I would like to, you know, get together sometime. Maybe get some coffee..." I managed to exhale those words very quickly.

Ezekiel nodded. "Of course, I'd like that. Here you go," he said and handed me a slip of paper that he pulled out of his back pocket. "Already written down. I'm glad you showed up, otherwise I would have washed it at the Laundromat."

I laughed and kept that torn slip of paper in my hand. I felt so foolish, but I didn't want to put it away just in case it was all a dream.

"Um... I will call you," I said.

"Promise?" he asked. He flashed me the sweetest smile and I couldn't help but smile back.

"I swear it," I answered.

"Okay, well I guess I will see you soon then, James," he said and moved toward me. I thought he was going to kiss me, but he gave me a hug instead. I put an arm around his shoulder and squeezed a bit. I can remember how petite he was and how I was afraid I was going to squish him.

We said our goodbyes and Ezekiel extracted another promise out of me to call him. Lets just say that I have a new spring in my step. Should I call him tonight? Tomorrow? I will figure it out. I don't want to seem too pushy.


-!!!August 7, 2008-

Well it has been a few days since I called Ezekiel. I managed to make myself wait until the following day to pick up the phone. It was worth it too. He told me he gets off work at around three in the morning and is exhausted by the time he gets home. I was glad I waited until I got off work to call him. We talked for about thrity minutes before hanging up and decided to meet in front of the St. Louis Cathedral for a few minutes before he had to go to work.

Turns out, I got nervous again. I didn't know what to wear and I worried about stupid stuff like always when I get anxious. I swear I checked to make sure the oven was off four times. And I wasn't sure if my shirt smelled like the hotel I work at, so I changed it... twice. And I didn't know which pants were better to wear with my white shirt. If I wore my regular blue jeans, I would look like I was trying to impress. And if I wore my comfortable black jeans (with the studs and chains) I would look like I was going to a Slipknot concert. Well, I finally decided on the later pair (after deciding that the belt with studs was okay, but the removable chains were not). Needless to say, I was still out of my mind with anxiety. Oh, and then I sprayed cologne in my eyes. Not a good situation. Bloody hell.

I FINALLY left the apartment, watering eyes and all. It was close to the time we agreed to meet and I decided to run to the cathedral. Not a bad mistake, really. I got there at five on the dot.

And then I saw him sitting on the front steps with his elbows on his knees looking across the street at the gardens. I had to smile when I saw him check his watch and bite his thumb nail. Very cute, really. And that white streak in his hair still gets me. It looks like a birthmark possibly, but I never asked him.

Anyway, I walked over and sat beside him. I startled him. He started to scoot away untill he actually looked up and saw that it was me.

"James!" he said and practically threw himself at me. I gave him a hug and didn't know what to do afterwards with my hands, so I just put them in my pockets. I can act like a dog around girls, but sometimes I am such a dork around guys. Especially this one. He is different. I guess it's because he seems so innocent and care-free.

"I thought you were a hobo or something. I got freaked out. Haha! I'm glad it was you," he said.

I grinned and muttered something like "Yeah". I don't remember.

"Well let's go!" he said and grabbed my hand out of my pocket.

"What? Where are we going?" I asked. I didn't know we had planned on going someplace.

"Just follow me," he insisted. I had no other choice.

I finally figured it out. He lead me over the tram-tracks to the river-walk. I won't go into details because my brain was buzzing and I can't remember half of what we talked about. I just know that we connect on certain things and have a lot in common about morals and beliefs.

I also remember gathering my guts and putting an arm around his shoulder while we walked. He didn't shy away and actually put his arm around my waist. I know that he may just be the kind of person who gets comfortable with people very easily and doesn't think much about physical contact, but the entire time we talked I just kept wanting to pull him close and kiss him. Just once! But that would have been rude and I cant do that until I get to know him better. I'm sure he feels the same way.

Eventually we had to walk back to Oz. I don't think either of us shut our mouths the entire time. He is such a funny little guy. Just the way he says things makes me laugh because he is so sincere.

I said goodbye to him and found out that he takes the weekends off too. This is like one of those damn romance novels. The next thing you know, we will be in Hawaii drinking Malibu Rum and watching a perfect sunset. Um... never. That was a joke.

I've talked to him on the phone almost every day since then and we always end up meeting at the river walk or Cafe Du Monde. If anything more develops, I will write about it. Right now, I 'm actually kind of satisfied. I love spending time with him.

-James

P.S.- Oh, and Ezekiel is Jewish. I love that.


!!!-August 10, 2008-


It has been the best day I've had in the longest time. I woke up and got ready to meet Ezekiel at the cathedral again, but I forgot to eat breakfast before I left. I have gotten over my nervousness and I didn't have a manic O.C.D. episode this morning, which was bloody great.

Yup, Mr. James Geordie M. was running on a full, well-rested tank and was charged and ready to go (besides being hungry). I called Ezekiel and he said he was almost to the cathedral. I hurried up a bit because I hate to be late or make him wait.

I caught up with him just as he sat down and he bounced right back up and held out a white paper bag.

"Drugs?" I asked. He just giggled.

"Close. It's for you," he said and handed it to me. I opened it and saw the most amazing thing in the world: a bagel. "You told me you hadn't eaten breakfast. I don't want you to go hungry."

I just looked at him for a second and for the first time I noticed his face get red.

"If... if you don't like it, we can always stop and get something else," he muttered and looked away. Then suddenly, after being speechless, I knew what to do.

I put my arms around him and tilted his head up and kissed him. "Thank you," I said and pulled away.

"Well, um... I was wondering when you were going to do that," he grinned. I smiled and shook the bag.

"I say thank you all the time," I joked.

"You know what I mean, you ass," he said and we both burst out laughing. And then he kissed me again. Longer and sweeter- literally.

"What is on your lips? It tastes good," I asked.

"Cherry chapstick. Very gay, I know," he grinned and we went on about our business of hanging out today.

I keep wondering when or if all of this will change. I hope nothing will change because he's my favorite person.


!!!-September 9, 2008-

It's been about a month since my last entry. Nothing much has happened... besides flirting, dates, sex, and a hurricane.

I'm actually really exhausted. I don't know if I will write much.

Well I do have to tell you that Ezekiel and I evacuated together before Gustav hit. We got on a bus and went to Mississippi (can't remember the name of the town) and got a hotel. Katie and a few of my guy friends came with us. It was mostly a boring trip with occasional bouts of amusement. Ben and Richard wouldn't shut up about who stole Richard's last chocolate Cadburry egg. We all found it really funny and kept making fun of Richard because it isn't even Easter (most of the jokes were about rotten chocolate and Richard must have sat on it somewhere and it disappeared up his butt crack). Ezekiel and Katie hit it off. He's really great with my other friends too. Very funny.

I won't go into details about what happened and how it happened, but Ezekiel and I got it on in the hotel. Not the best place, but we really enjoyed it. I think I hurt him, though... you see, he's so little and I'm... eh... not. I mean, I'm not a freak, but he held on very tight and kind of winced each time... I just hope I don't hurt him. Damn. He's okay with it though... Fuck. I feel like a bad person when I think about it. I love having sex with him and he's all 'gung-ho' about it. But damn. Bloody fuck. Shit. He drives me crazy but I can't stand the thought of putting him through pain just because I'm some testosterone animal. ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG! He's so sexy!

Is that weird? Eh?

K. I'm done bitching.



!!!~May 13, 2010~

Haven't been on my writing.com account in about two years. I've been a very busy man. I've been writing free hand and keeping notebooks under our bed. If you flip up the skirting at the bottom, the space under the bed looks like a mountain of pen-vomit. I've been writing, but I haven't decided what I want to do with things yet. Most of it needs a lot of work, but some is nearing completion. If I get an editor, he or she is absolutely going to love me... Spelling and gramatical mistakes galore.

Still in love with the same boy. He moved in with me a few months ago. He's quite the artist. Our apartment is littered with paintings, sketches, and strange clay statues. I don't DARE ask what they are unless I want another lesson on interpretive art, haha. I say "Its interesting/beautiful/ and you are talented/insane" and that is the end of that conversation.

Ran into Kendrick the other day. I ignored him and he returned the favor. You would think that with so many people in New Orleans, the chances of running into my brother are pretty low. But I suppose in the end- nothing gained, nothing lost.

I'm working at a funeral home now. It's an interesting job, but it can be stressful sometimes. Making much more money than previously. And no, I do not touch dead bodies. I am not a director or prep guy. Answering phones, yard work, moving caskets, paperwork. A little of everything.

So all in all, a few things have changed for the better and I'm still very much in love.

Thanks for tuning in folks. :)



!!!~ July 2, 2010~

There isn't much to write about. Everything is fine in my life besides trying to keep up with bills. Economy is tough, but we are scraping by. I never thought I'd be a person to resort to coupons. If it had been any other situation, I'd be embarrassed to be a news paper clipper. I also find myself buying store brand items in bulk if there is a sale. Ezekiel rolls his eyes at me each time I bring home 5 jars of peanut butter or 10 boxes of grits. He always insists "There's no way we are going to use that much dishwashing liquid/ cheese/ toilet paper". But we do. I don't have to worry about buying things like that for a while. And Ramen soup is a life saver. You can do so many things with it. Ezekiel even made a casserole with Ramen noodles.

My favorite part of the day is when I come home and Ezekiel is cooking dinner. I know, I know... it sounds so misogynist (if it's possible to be a misogynist in a gay relationship). But I don't mean it like that. He always cooks and loves to invent new things. I told him that he is under no obligation to cook. His response to this is that he has to cook because I'm not allowed to touch anything in the kitchen due to my subconscious desire to burn the apartment to the ground. It's cute how he exaggerates- I only made one scorch mark on the ceiling. And the burned pancake smell isn't so bad if you are in the other room. But all joking aside, he told me that because I work so hard that he wants to show his appreciation. Never underestimate the power of a good meal by someone who knows how to cook. And I love him for little things like that.

It's things like this that get me to wondering: Why is he with someone like me? Why does he love me so much? I guess I feel inadequate when I compare myself to Ezekiel. He's a much better person, so much more talented, so much more loving and so much less of a useless jerk than I am. I don't deserve him. And I don't know why I feel this way. I mean, I've never done anything horrible to him. I just feel... less. He's an angel and I'm some bumbling moron with no family and a deep desire to play "The Floor Is Lava" in our living room while he's diligently painting a Parisian landscape.

I've asked him why he's with me before. He told me that I'm charming and handsome and caring and hardworking and blah blah blah... I don't feel that way at all though.

Oh, the mysteries of the universe.