My Benjamin

                It was the summer of fifth grade when I first met Benjamin. He was one of the boys that lived down the street from my Grandmother's house in Antigonish. I had never been there before because my parents and I had lived in Newfoundland my entire life. That year Dad was having some complications with his job, so both him and Mom thought it might be a nice change to go live with my Grandma for awhile. I didn't agree in the slightest, and naturally, I protested. Of course, we all know that parents always win battles such as this. The next thing I knew I was packing all my things into boxes and driving away from the house I had called home for my entire eleven years of life.
         The first friend I made when we moved there was Ben. He and my Grandmother were already close, and he and I, we just clicked. We were immediately inseperable, although Ben was a year older than me and always thought he knew more about everything than I did. That was one of the things we disagreed about the most, and we fought a lot.
         I was a huge tomboy as a child, and with Ben and his friends, I was just another one of the boys. The only doll I ever owned was a G.I Joe and I rode bikes, climbed trees, and built lego with the best of them. I never realized it then, but had I never met Benjamin, I wouldn't even be close to being the person I am today.
         For the first few years of our friendship, I don't even think Ben noticed the fact that I was a girl. As I got older, more mature, and more developed, however, I think we both realized things would change. I suddenly began worrying what Benjamin would think of me, and would try my hardest to look my best and impress him whenever he was around. I was sure he must feel the same way about me, and I was right. On my fourteenth birthday he surprised me with a bouquet of roses, took me out to dinner, and asked me to be his girlfriend.
         We dated steadily right up until I was sixteen years old. We were never apart and we were sure that we were meant to be together. I suppose my parents thought differently though. That or they just had their hearts set on ruining my life. They insisted it was time we moved out of my Grandmother's house and move back home to Newfoundland, my Dad had found a better job out there again.
         Leaving Benjamin behind was one of the most horrible experiences I had been through in my life. I was finally in love after searching for so long, and I was being ripped away from him. The first month apart was the worst. We emailed each other everyday, but it wasn't the same as being together. I missed holding his hand, kissing him, the way his body fit so perfectly next to mine. I missed him so badly.
         In time, somehow we drifted apart. We met other people and it was so much more convenient to just be with them. We still wrote every once in awhile, but it was nothing like how we used to be. The emails eventually became less and less frequent until they just stopped all together. I thought about him often, but I never found the time to pick up the phone or plunk out a quick email on the computer.
         A year had passed since I moved from my Grandmother's house, and I hadn't heard from her in awhile. It had at least been a few months, so I thought I'd call her and see what was up. As soon as I heard her voice, I immediately knew something was wrong. She sounded so stressed out and tired, but I must say I was in total shock when she told me what was going on. Benjamin had been diagnosed with Leukemia earlier in the month. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Ben was sick, MY Ben, and no one told me. HE didn't tell me. Although, maybe he thought I didn't deserve to know. Afterall, I guess he wasn't MY Ben anymore.
         After a few moments of silence - on both my end, and my Grandmother's end - I finally squeaked out the one question that was spinning around and around in my mind. Was Ben going to be okay? She told me that they didn't know, but it didn't look good. He was getting Chemotherapy treatment, but they weren't sure how effective it would be in his case.
         I had to see Ben. I was so worried, I needed to see him right away. What if I didn't get another chance? I asked my Grandmother if her spare room was still empty and if I could stay there for the summer so I could be with Ben. She told me that there was always room for me, and I would always be welcome to stay at her house. I thanked her and told her I loved her, then hung up the phone and rushed to speak with my parents.
         I explained the situation to my mother first and she agreed with me staying at my Grandmother's for the summer. I packed my bags and my mother and father drove me to my Grandmother's the very next day.
         Seeing Ben for the first time was not easy. He was very sick and you could see that just by looking at him. His beautiful brown hair was gone and replaced by a soft cover of dark fuzz. His eyes weren't the wide, bright-blue ones I was used to. They were dull and sad and had deep bags under them, showing how extremely tired he must have been. His skin was pale and he had lost a significant amount of weight. He definitely didn't look like the same happy Ben I was used to seeing, but his personality hadn't changed in the slightest. You would never know by the way that he acted that he was sick. He was still the happy, positive, extremely hilarious, incredible boy I had fallen in love with a year ago.
         I could tell he was very surprised to see me there, but when our eyes met, a warm smile spread across his face. I then knew he would be pleased to have me stay with him. I spent that night at the hospital with him and I slept on a cot in his room. We stayed up all night laughing, reminiscing, and catching up on all the things we missed over the past year. Right before we went to sleep, he asked me to come over to his bed, and he grabbed my hand. He looked into my eyes, and raised my hand to his head. The short hair on his head was soft to the touch, and I stood there for quite some time petting his head, until we both burst out laughing. I understood why he did it though, he wanted me to be comfortable around him, no matter what state he was in, and I was.
         I stayed with him all that week, and I was so happy to be there for him. I hadn't realized how much I really missed him all along. I would visit him everyday and I noticed an improvement in his health after some time. He almost looked like the normal Ben again, soon he was going to be allowed to go home for awhile.
         Ben and I spent the entire summer together and we had never had more fun than we did in that short period of time. Ben was feeling better each and everyday and it was absolutely wonderful to be there to celebrate that with him.
         Until of course, something went horribly wrong. Ben was rushed to the hospital, and had to stay in the ICU. His immune system had been down which made him more susceptible to any germs and he had picked up some kind of bug. We were worried and wouldn't find out for awhile what was going to happen, whether or not Ben was going to be okay.
         A few days later Ben was taken out of the ICU, and a doctor came to speak to him and his family. I had to leave the room since I wasn't a relative, so I went and picked up an old magazine and sat down in the waiting room. I couldn't bare it, I couldn't concentrate, all I could think about was Ben. Finally, the doctor came and got me and took me back to Ben's room. Everyone in the room was crying, and I was terrified for the news I would recieve.
I feared the worst, and the worst is what I got. The chemotherapy wasn't working, and there was nothing more that they could do for Ben. I was in shock, I couldn't believe this. I was going to lose Ben, my best friend in the entire world. They figured he had about two weeks left to live.
         I walked around like a ghost for the next few days, not speaking to anyone, and lost in my thoughts. I wanted to spend all my time with Ben, but as soon as I looked at him, I'd cry. He wasn't the same, he was on so many drugs, and he looked so sick. I loved him too much, and I couldn't stand to see him this way.
         Then one night, when he was feeling fairly better than usual, he asked for me. I knew I had to go be with him when he needed me, so I stayed with him all night, and we talked. We talked about life, and all the things he was going to miss. I told him to take with him the feeling of wet mud between your toes, and that feeling you get when you take a super cold shower on a really hot day. Take with him the smell of freshly cut grass, and newly bloomed flowers. I told him to take with him the sound a bee makes, and the feeling of butterflies in your stomach. I told him to remember, and he told me he was scared everyone else would forget. He was scared to die because he was scared the world would just forget about him because he never got a chance to make an impact. He also told me he'd never forget how wonderful I was to him, that he loved me, and he always loved me, and that I was the girl that would hold his heart forever. Hearing that really made me break down. I cried harder than I had ever cried in my life, and told him how much I loved him. I told him that, if the rest of the world would remember him, I wasn't sure, but I knew I would never forget him. I told him he made a huge impact on my life, and if to take anything with him when he goes, take that.
         That was the last night I spent with Benjamin. I had to leave the next morning, and leaving Ben behind for the second time was definitely the most horrible experience I've ever dealt with. Mostly because I knew I wasn't coming back this time, I'd never see him again.
         When I entered his room, he looked worse than I had ever seen him yet. I held onto him for what seemed like forever. I kissed his face, and stroked his hair, and then stood there holding his hand. He whispered for me not to go, to wait just a moment longer. I held him one last time, and whispered in his ear "I love you, Ben, I always have and I always will. I'll never forget you, so please don't be scared. I'll miss you Benjamin, I'll miss you so much." I gazed at him a moment longer, and as I let go of his hand, and turned to walk out the door, Benjamin took his last breath.
         I cried for weeks after, and didn't leave my room for days in a row. I didn't know what I'd do without him. Things are getting a little better now, because I'm realizing that even though I don't have Benjamin here in the way I'd like to, I'll always have his memory. I'll cherish it forever, and I'll never forget him. I promised him I wouldn't, and I owe him that much and so much more. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish he was still here so I could see his face, and laugh with him, and just talk to him, but I'm sure wherever he is, he's happy. He's healthy, and smiling, and laughing, and just being the Benjamin that I, over time, have come to love. The Benjamin I know so well, the Benjamin I will never forget no matter what. My Benjamin.