Key Ingredients for a Second Chance

"Life is difficult." This is a quote from the author, Scott Peck, M.D., in his book, The Road Less Traveled. I agree with him that for all of us, life is difficult, and everyone will suffer setbacks, tragedies, and disappointments. How does one recover from the difficulties and setbacks in life?

A True Story

This short true story about a person I know will suffice to describe one man's major life setbacks, their devastating effects on him and his family, and his resilience in recovering. John, not his true name, grew up in the inner city with poverty and violence commonplace. Everyone has choices in life but John did not make right choices. He joined a street gang and rose in their ranks. Eventually he became second in command, running drug operations and even ordering the murder of those who stood in his way. John was caught by the authorities, convicted, and sentenced to life in prison. This was a crime in which there is no chance of parole or early release. At age 25, John had to leave his wife and children to spend the rest of his natural life in prison.

I met John after he had been serving about five years. He worked for me within the maximum security prison for over seven years, a violent, depressing place. Incredibly, he was always upbeat, pleasant, hopeful, and ready to work. It made me think to myself, how can he be this way? How can he not be depressed, suicidal, or uncaring?

The Keys

John had learned the key elements in overcoming a catastrophic situation in his life. Those key elements are the basis for recovery in any of life's major setbacks, be it the death of a loved one, a divorce, serious illness, or financial difficulties. He developed an attitude of "make the best of a bad situation." John developed a strong spiritual life and through that a sense of meaning to his life even in prison.

People who are facing major setbacks have to deal with the grieving process as described by psychologist Dr. Kubler-Ross, the final step of which is acceptance. One must accept that the setback has happened and how one deals with it determines the future course of one's life. As Victor Frankl put it in Man's Search for Meaning "We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms-to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

Attitude

This is best framed as a choice in how to think about one's situation. The German philosopher Nietzsche's words express it well, "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." Frankl continues in his book with "Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him - mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp."

Faith

Faith is a belief in one's future, in a better world, or as Paul so eloquently wrote in Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

One of the best examples of faith in overcoming life's setbacks is the Twelve Step Program, initiated by Alcoholics Anonymous, and used by many support groups to deal with compulsions and addictions that lead to life's setbacks. It has lead to modern psychology adopting its techniques into what is known as the Recovery Model.

A good summary of the 12 STEPS is: admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion; recognizing a spiritual higher power that can give strength; examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member); making amends for these errors; learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior; helping others that suffer from the same addictions or compulsions. In place of the word addiction or compulsion, substitute your setback (death of a loved one, disease, etc.). This program has many applications.

Recovery

Recovery can be seen as a personal journey requiring hope, a secure base, supportive relationships, empowerment, social inclusion, coping skills, and finding meaning. A most necessary element in dealing with a major life setback is recovery, regaining self-control and self-meaning. (Information on 12 Steps and Recovery Model from Wikipedia)

New goal setting

Setting goals for the future is another of the key's to overcoming setbacks for they are important in giving one's life a purpose or meaning. To be able to set new goals, a vision for what success or accomplishment means to you must be developed. An old adage sums it up, "If at first you don't succeed, redefine success". For" Failure teaches you how not to do things."(Anonymous). Dedicating yourself to pursuits that you find worthy, that add value to your life or to another's, raise you from the rubble of your disappointment. Helen Keller, blind and deaf as a child, overcame her personal setbacks and wrote, "True happiness is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."

Professional help

Some of life's misadventures cannot be handled alone. Some need more assistance than even a trusted friend or family member can give. Helen Keller's family could not help her until a professional teacher was brought into the picture to guide, mentor, and lead Helen to her fullest potential. In the past, and to some extent even today, there is a social stigma to psychological counseling, psychiatric treatment, and the need for spiritual or moral guidance. But for some of life's setbacks, professional care is a major ingredient in the recovery recipe. If finances are a problem, begin with your pastor if you attend church. They often have training in counseling and can be a gateway to other services you may be eligible for at no or low cost to you. Many employers have employee "hot-lines" with free counseling sessions for dealing with a crisis.

Resiliency

Human psychological experience is fundamentally shaped by what happens in the inner sanctum or core beliefs. When events become overwhelming, when adrenalin surges, when things go wrong, resilience emerges as the capacity to still find the wherewithal, determination and reason to cope with the situation, regardless, despite all odds and more often than not, to find ways through.

What are the Characteristics of Resilient People?
-Ability to "bounce back" and "recover from almost anything"
-Have a "where there's a will, there's a way" attitude
-Tendency to see problems as opportunities
-Ability to "hang tough" which things are difficult
-Capacity for seeing small windows of opportunity and making the most of them
-Have deep-rooted faith in a system of meaning
-Have a healthy social support network
-Has the wherewithal to competently handle most different kinds of situations
-Has a wide comfort zone
-Able to recover from experiences in the panic zone or of a traumatic nature.
(From Wikipedia, Resiliency)

Work

Work is to contribute something of value, to complete a task, or to make an effort to accomplish something. Everyone has the need to feel needed, and few things surpass work in fulfilling that need. "The greatest analgesic, soporific, stimulant, tranquilizer, narcotic, and to some extent even antibiotic-in short, the closest thing to a genuine panacea - known to medical science is work." Thomas Szasz, M.D.

Do you remember the story of John, his bleak, desolate future, a lifetime of imprisonment, loneliness, and separation from family and friends?  In conversations with him, he admitted to me that he felt that he did not have the right to live because of the crimes he had committed, that his remorse over his victims was at times overwhelming, and because he had left his family with no husband or father, no income. He told me that he had come to peace through his new spiritual life, religious faith, a realization that the past was done, that he could not change it, and that he had therefore resolved to live differently. John became a moral man, at peace and happy with his life as it is. With a ready smile each day, working diligently at his assigned duties, going the extra mile when needed, protecting and defusing potentially dangerous situations for the safety of staff members and other inmates, John had changed with his situation and, in my view, in the best of ways. Lou Holtz, Head Football Coach, says, " Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it."

Major life setbacks are looming for everyone, after all life is difficult. The key ingredients to overcome them: attitude, faith, recovery, goal setting, resiliency, professional help, and work. As Victor Frankel wrote, "Man is capable of changing the world for the better if possible, and of changing himself for the better if necessary."  We must realize that we cannot always change the world but that we can always change ourselves.