Never Felt a Pain Like This

I have never felt a pain like this.
Never felt more alone, yet felt as if I stood out more than anyone.
They all knew. Or at least would know soon: before lunch, for sure.
Why did this have to happen to me? Three more years of school… how will I survive?


I can remember the night clear as glass. In fact, I can see right threw it now…

It was him, me, and a group of crazy friends. His friends not mine. We were bored stiff, so we all decided to do a few rounds of truth or dare. With these people, I could tell anything could happen…
Jiri started the game. He dared Charlotte to go to the neighbor’s house butt naked and knock on the door. Mind due the neighbors are homosexual… which made the dare all the more insane.
I begged her not to do it, since I knew the neighbors to be child molesters, but she was dumb and had a purpose in life to not have her reputation be destroyed by not taking a dare.
So she went. We all tried to see her and see if she was going to do it. She did. The door open, someone standing there. But when she was supposed to come back to our group, she stood there; it looked like she was talking. And then, the worst possible thing happened. She went in the house. Everyone was too shocked to speak, or do anything about it. Since we were just teens, what could we do?

So we went back to our game. We were in my boyfriends finished basement, sprawled out on the floor.
Maralin was next to dare. She dared Gordon and me to have sex. I already wanted to go home before the incident with Charlotte, and now I really had to leave. Just run out the door and go back home. But Gordon had other ideas. Just as I started to get up and leave the group, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me down. I was shocked stiff! He whispered in my ear, with nauseating hot breath, “ Come on Lari… you’re gunna do it eventually… why not with me?” He started to unbutton my pants and I was hitting out at him. But it wasn’t effective. He sat atop me and undid his pants. I knew what was going to happen. I felt chained down, I couldn’t move. I closed my eyes and waited for my purity to be destroyed. Like new fallen snow, beautiful, innocent… then the next day it rains sludge. Ruining the perfect purity of the snow.
He entered me again and again. A pumping motion that was almost enjoyable. But then I realized my situation. He never slowed, never faltered. He kept pumping in out in out like he was plunging a toilet.
My snow had been covered in sludge.
My innocence, lost.


I look out now, 3 weeks later, at the crowds of teens, talking and whispering. My back slide slowly down the hard cold wall. I am alone. But not entirely. A small, barely living, unadapted body floating inside me.
I knew what would have to happen to that little life. Abortion.

I took my mind off the outcome of my actions, and thought about what would happen next. What would they call it in the papers? Assault. That’s what they would call it. If I told the papers. But it seemed too soft of a word to be used in everyday conversations. I try to spell it out in my corrupted mind.
R) Restricted...
A) Ashamed...
P) Punishment...
E) End..


Yeah, he would go away. For a while if the court thought it bad enough.
But that’s all if I tell them...

It’ll all be right around back to me by lunchtime.