Real

Here I am, alone in my thoughts. Alone. Longing for connection with those I love. I am so very confused. I have found myself thrust into my past. All of the old feelings have been stirred up. Confusion, fear, rejection, and hurt. The pain is mixed with a desire to dismiss and deny. Yet I also want, need to feel the pain. There are other very scary emotions being stirred, however. Emotions I don't know what to do with. Emotions I should let lie. Leave these things which are past in the past. Each time they try to stir up, push them quickly down, away. No, don't need to go there, don't want to go there. Better not go there. There is a danger in exploring the past. The potential of pain is minimal and insignificant in light of the potential of destruction. Destruction of one's life, understanding, emotions, destruction of one's reality. That is where I find myself, not knowing what is reality, what is fantasy. Fantasy of the past, masked in pain and rejection. Must I go there to settle these things in my heart? Must I NEVER go there to settle these things in my heart? Are the memories real, or fantasy? Am I remembering my own memories, or are these memories I have been given? Have these been given by the myriad of experiences I have heard, or are these memories real? And by the way, what is real?
Real:
1.relating to things
2.fact
3.of or relating to fixed, permanent. Or immovable things (as land, or tenements), not artificial, fraudulent, illusory or apparent
4.genuine
5.occurring in fact
6.necessarily existent
7.fundamental, essential
8.having no imaginary part
9.measured by purchasing power
10.exact as regards repetition of musical intervals in transposition
11.realness-real, actual, true ,mean corresponding to known facts
12.real, actual stresses occurrence or manifest existence
13.true implies conformity to what is real or actual esp. as a model or standard
14.a real thing
who am i? who have i become? what is real? what is fantasy? what is right? what is wrong? what is forgivable, what is unforgivable?
I really am a woman, sometimes a girl. sometimes a girl still in the past. sometimes a girl in the body of a woman who finds herself in the present, longing for the past and wondering why?

okay, okay, let's start again with what is real?

Real:
1.relating to things
2.fact
3.of or relating to fixed, permanent. Or immovable things (as land, or tenements), not artificial, fraudulent, illusory or apparent
4.genuine
5.occurring in fact
6.necessarily existent
7.fundamental, essential
8.having no imaginary part
9.measured by purchasing power
10.exact as regards repetition of musical intervals in transposition
11.realness-real, actual, true ,mean corresponding to known facts
12.real, actual stresses occurrence or manifest existence
13.true implies conformity to what is real or actual esp. as a model or standard
14.a real thing

Really, I am...a woman, sometimes a girl. sometimes a girl still in the past. sometimes a girl who finds herself in the body of a woman, who finds herself in the present, longing for the past and wondering why?

Really, I am..a wife, a lover, a mother, a grandmother, a counselor, a friend, a confidante. I am a percussionist, playing conga drums and percussion instruments-sounding not-too-bad, if i do say so myself. I am one who sings and holds the lead mike. I hold the lead mike when I sing, true, but do I hold the lead in the present situation. You must...hold on to the lead....there is power and there is control, self-control in having and securing the lead.

Really..I am a writer who has a great love for the power and beauty of words. a great love of connecting with others at their level, with their words...and sometimes, maybe offering them hope and strength by sharing some of my own thoughts, experiences and words. I love watching the face of someone who is hurting, broken, and the freedom that rushes over their countenance at the discovery of a word that describes everything they have experienced or felt, but couldn't express....it was only described in flooding after flooding feelings of despair, fear and pain...but now, there is a cutting away of the chains, the bondage of silence that was never wanted nor welcome...it just was...the only thing they knew, or understood...but now they understand with joy the name of the feeling, and now they can look at it for what it was....somehow the pain loses some of it's power, and light begins to creep in, and free, and heal, and reveal hope and life.

that's all the realness i am sure of at this moment...maybe all the realness i can handle right now