ARE YOU OUT THERE LITTLE BROTHER

Why did you really leave

His name is Scotty
but I called him "bubba"
he was my best friend
someone who made me
laugh just by the look on
his face, he was so silly
and I loved it

he was 4 years younger than
me, but boy did we have so much
fun together, we used to sneak
the clock radio at night when
mama went to bed, just so we
could hear that as mama would
call it "dam rap music" ha ha

He chipped my front tooth running
back to his bed one night cause we
heard mama coming to check on us
to see if we were sleeping!

When all my friends would hate to
take their little brothers to the mall with
them, I would beg my mama to let
Scotty go with me, because he always
made things fun

Yes, he is my brother
but he left us at the age of 16
not through death, but by choice
he ran away, left through his
bedroom window in the middle of
the night

I no longer lived at home, so mama
called me at about 10 a.m. the next
morning to see if Bubba had come to
my apartment, she said she couldn't
find him and all his things were gone

What could have been so bad that made
him leave? Granted mama wasn't the
greatest mama at the time, she was
very strict, and drank alot, but still
why did he leave?

Mama finally found him, though the school
she went there and my brother told her
he wanted to be left alone and just live his
life by himself.

My brother, although was very loving with
me and my little sister, was not loving with
my mom or step dad. He didn't believe in
God, and hated going to church. He used
to talk about leaving all the time when we
were young.

My mom was, and I do mean was very
abusive back in our younger days, she hit
us alot, looking back though I know how
hard it was raising three children on her
own, which still gives no reason to hit us but
the pressure was there and she struggled
to survive and did the best she could

Is that why he left, because mama hit him
but she hit me too, and I never would think
of leaving my mama.

And what about me? Didn't he love me as
much as I thought he did? He was my
best friend. And he left me to

He graduated high school, joined the Marines
and went to Iraq for 4 years, after 8 years in
the Marines he got out. We know all of this
because we kept in touch with his friends
without him knowing

One time when he was home on leave, he
was about 20, I ran into him at a Target, I
accidentally rammed him with my basket
I didn't even recognize him, he was so handsome
he looked just like our daddy
big and strong and tall

I stared at him for a moment, he looked at me and
said "excuse me ma'am", then he took a second look
and saw that it was me, we had the same face
it was like looking in a mirror, same eyes, same
nose, same mouth

He took off running from me. Why?
why was he running from me, I screamed at him
through all of Target begging him to please stop
I just wanted to hold him and tell him I loved him
and ask why he hated me, what had I done?

He ran out the doors of Target, with me in chase
he stopped suddenly, and turned and looked at me
I was out of breath and tears were running down my
face, I smiled because I thought this is the moment
I had been waiting for, a chance to hold him again

He said to me "GOD YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HER,
(her referring to our mother)
YOU LEFT ME THERE, YOU LEFT ME BEHIND
YOU SAID YOU WOULD COME BACK FOR ME
AND YOU NEVER DID! I HATE YOU"

When I left home at 16, I remembered I told him I
would come back for him, so that he could live
with me, I never did. I never went back for him and
after all those years he still hated me for it. I can
never forgive myself for not going back for him

So the answer to my "why"
is because I failed him as a sister and best friend
I made a promise to him that I didn't keep
and I am so sorry and would give anything
to change it all.

I have looked for him many times, even when
I got married, my soon to be husband went to
the only address we knew of where he might be
living, my husband asked the man at the door to
please tell him to call him, all I wanted was to have
my brother give me away since our daddy had died

The call never came and I never heard from my
little brother

I will always love you my "Bubba" and I
hope you forgive me and pray that some day
we will be together again.

Love your big sis