Cupid and Psyche

(As curtain rises, PSYCHE is standing down-stage-right, monologuing. Spotlight on her, rest of stage is black.)

PSYCHE: So apparently, I’m one of the prettiest mortal girls since Helen of Troy, but honestly, I don’t enjoy it that much. People get so crazy for me, things aren’t how they’re supposed to be… it’s not right…. (She yawns.) It’s so tiring, being loved by ever person you’ve ever met! I’m going to sleep… (Does so.)

(Spotlight drifts to CUPID and VENUS, center.)

VENUS: That woman is almost as pretty as I am! That’s not right!

PSYCHE: (waking up; mumbled) I said that already….

VENUS: Go back to sleep! You’re not supposed to be awake!

PSYCHE: Okay…. (She goes back to sleep.)

CUPID: (staring at PSYCHE) She’s so beautiful…

VENUS: (slaps him) Now’s not the time! Just give her the arrow!

(CUPID sighs, while VENUS exits, and takes an arrow out of his quiver, puts it into bow. Holding the wooden section, his hand grazes against the tip of the arrow.)

CUPID: Ow!

VENUS: (off) Come on!

(CUPID hurriedly puts the arrow away and exits. BLACKOUT, during which PSYCHE quickly exits. When lights come back on, VENUS and CUPID are again at center stage.)

VENUS: You what?

CUPID: I’m in love with her, mother, I really, really am.

VENUS: That conniving harpy who dares to be more beautiful than a goddess?

CUPID: I thought we were sticking with “almost” (he makes finger quotes around the word) as beautiful.

VENUS: (embarrassed) Erm, yeah, right. (angry again) But you’re in love with a mortal! It’s simply unacceptable.

CUPID: Can I marry her, though? Please?

VENUS: (sighing) Oh, fine, you can try it. These relationships never work out, but feel free to try it anyway.

CUPID: Oh, thank you mother, thank you thank you thank you!

(HE embraces her, while VENUS rolls her eyes.)

VENUS: Hands off the merchandise!

(BLACKOUT. PSYCHE enters.)

PSYCHE: A mountain. I’m supposed to jump off a MOUNTAIN. I’m going to die! Oh, well, it could be worse…

(SHE nonchalantly climbs up onto a chair, table, or whatever convenient surface above floor level is available and jumps off.)

PSYCHE: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Hey, wait, I’m alive!

CUPID: (off) Yup. Now you get to live in a beautiful mansion in the skyyyyyyyyy .

PSYCHE: Sweet! Wait, are you that dude who is not a mortal man that Wikipedia says I was meant for?

CUPID: (off) I guess…

PSYCHE: Cool.

(BLACKOUT, lights come back on but are dim. PSYCHE is now at center stage.)

PSYCHE: Wow, the past few weeks have been amazing… but something feels off about them. Why haven’t I been able to see my love even once? I mean, he could be a monster or something! I’ve got to know…

(SHE looks around briefly and finds a LAMP, and then sneaks over to STAGE RIGHT, where CUPID is laying. Puts the LAMP over his body and looks.)

PSYCHE: Aw… he’s an angel! How romantic, being married to the god of love… (SHE turns to leave, but as she does so, her foot brushes against CUPID.)

CUPID: (waking up) Morning already? Okay, time to turn invisi- (suddenly seeing PSYCHE, who has dropped her LAMP in shock and has her hands over her mouth, quivering in fear) By the entire Greco-Roman pantheon! Psyche!

PSYCHE: (voice shaking) I – I –

CUPID: You didn’t trust me! All I wanted was for you not to look at me, but you did! Mother was right about mortals…

(HE exits. BLACKOUT. Lights on again upon VENUS and PSYCHE, stage left.)

PSYCHE: Please, please, please oh-great-and-sacred-mother-in-law, I just want to get him back! …Also, it would be nice if he stopped eating all that Ben & Jerry’s.

VENUS: What’s wrong with ice cream?

PSYCHE: I dunno… the fact that ambrosia is WAY MORE APPROPRIATE?

VENUS: Shush! Aren’t you trying to get me to agree with you?

PSYCHE: Oh, whatever. Just give me one chance!

VENUS: Oh, fine. (Taking out a BOX) I’m getting old –

PSYCHE: No duh!

VENUS: (aggravated) I am getting older, and think that I could use a touch-up. Go down to the underworld and fetch me some of Persephone’s favorite foundation, and I might reconsider on your relationship with my son.

PSYCHE: If you’re a goddess of beauty, wouldn’t your beauty logically never fall apart?

(VENUS looks irritated.)

PSYCHE: Um, what I mean to say is, you’re still as beautiful as you probably ever have been.

VENUS: (somewhat mollified) Well. If that’s the case, I suppose that it’s alright for you to contradict me. But do get going, will you?

PSYCHE: Alright…

(SHE takes the BOX and leaves. VENUS smirks and exits. PSYCHE re-enters after a pause.)

PSYCHE: Okay, that task is done! But would it really hurt if I took some for myself…?

(SHE opens the box and screams, then falls over. CUPID enters.)

CUPID: Mount Olympus! I suddenly forgive you because there’s not enough time for me to gradually get over the total insult to my dignity! CONSCIOUS MINOR GODDESS TRANSFORM!

(CUPID points at PSYCHE, who gets up and suddenly seems stronger, more confident.)

PSYCHE: Wow! Who knew that when desire begins to fancy a person’s mind rather than their attractive appearance, the relationship is truly strengthened but was threatened by the potential lapse of trust, yet ultimately would be strongest in the end and really lasts longer than a relationship simply founded on lust for the body and both members of it eventually soar to a level of consciousness only matched by the divine?

CUPID: (confused) What, is that from the same book you got that whole not-meant-for-mortal-men thing from?

PSYCHE: Yeah, pretty much. But it doesn’t matter.

(THEY look into each other’s eyes as the curtains close and applause sounds from the audience.)