Goodbye Letter

My breath comes in short gasps
My throat begins to hurt
My eyes start to get puffy
Then i loose control
They begin to fall one by one
Caused by sadness but so beautiful
The perfectly shaped drops of water
That roll down my nose
I knew this day would come
I thought i was prepared
But i thought wrong
No matter how prepared you think you are
Saying goodbye to someone you love will still feel like someone ripped our your heart and cruelly tossed it into a wood chipper.
It is a pain, i soon learned, that can dull
But will never leave you.
My head is spinning
I try to stand, but can't
I look around the room
My eyes lock onto the coffin
Before i know it I'm walking across the room.
My brain is in denial
But my heart knows what needs to be done.
I'm vaguely aware that my legs stopped moving.
I blink a few times to shoo away the fog that in enveloping my thoughts.
I rest my hands on the cool smooth wood.
The room hushes as i lift the head of her final resting place.
Before a tidal wave of terror hits my brain and paralyzes me i look down.
A sigh of relief escapes my lips.
She looks so peaceful, so happy
But in a swift moment that relief is gone.
The tears come once more.
This time in a torrential rain.
My body goes limp.
I fall against the beautiful mahogany coffin.
I can't breathe.
Spots dance in front of my eyes
I'v never felt this much pain in my life
My brain slowly shuts down.
Following the example of my body.
Soon all I see is black.
Now i'm trapped
Trapped with my thoughts in a dream i can't wake from.
Trapped with an utterly painful realization.
The realization that she's gone.
Forever.
I will never again hear her laugh
Give her a hug
Cheer her up.
That i will never again spend time with my best friend.
And more than that.
I realize that now,
Now i am alone.
As i come to grounds with these realizations
I begin to feel something unlike anything i have ever experienced.
I feel...empty, completely empty.
Light floods in as my eyes snap open.
I would recognize this wood anywhere.
I was still on the coffin.
I place my hand on her cheek to say my last goodbye before i close the casket and we lower it into the ground.
No one knows this but when we bury her we will also be burying my heart, my joy, my happiness, and my smile. As i lean forward to shut the casket for the last time, something in her breast pocket catches my eye.
It is a piece of paper.
As i unfold it my body begins to shake uncontrollably.
The first thing i see is the title.
It reads: The Goodbye Letter
As my eyes scan the paper the letters and words merge together, then all i see is a big blur.
The paper falls from my hand and slowly flutters to the floor.
I bent to pick it up, this time with a firm grip.
The words are still blurry but begin to clear up.
As i wipe away my tears i want more than anything to read the letter, but im afraid.
Soon i get a grip on my fear and begin to read.
As each line makes it's impact on my brain my heart drops lower and lower into my gut.
I drop to my knees and begin to sob.
Someone taps my shoulder and i look up at them
"it's time" was all they said. From then on those were my two least favorite words.
As i stand the casket is lifted and carried out into the rain.
I blindly follow.
While standing and watching my best friend get lowered into the ground the rain mixes with my tears, and soon i can't tell one from the other.
The preacher is speaking as dirt is dumped into the hole.
I want to crawl in there and be buried with her. Because life without her is nothing. She made life worth living. But now she is gone. I dont know how im going to live without her in my life.
Before i knew it the grave was full and everyone was gone.
I walk to the gravestone
I add my flowers to the mountain of them already there
I have to leave now or i will never be able to.
I turn to leave "dont look back, dont look back, dont look back" i keep telling myself.
Step by step i put distance between myself and the cold lifeless body of my  best friend.
It takes all of the strength i posses not to turn around and run back to her.
But somehow i manage to do it.
Second turn to minutes, Minutes turn to hours, Hours to days, and days to months.
All of this time goes by, but i'm still dead on the inside.
I haven't smiled since the funeral.
I miss her.
I thought the pain would get better, but it hasn't
Hopefully i will learn to live with the pain...