Beginning Of The End Is A New Beginning

He looked down at her sleeping in their bed.  Horrible thoughts racing trough his mind.  The man had been drunk again.  He was always drunk.  This is the kind of person that didn't know how to deal with life, so he drank everyday to numb the feelings of pain and regret from everything he did.  A bigot, a racist, a asshole to the truest extent.  He didn't know how to change, or even if it would do any good now.  So many times he told her he would start being more of a man, so many times he let her down.  But, she had nowhere to go, afraid to start back at square one.  So, she just put up with the mental abuse day in and day out.

It got to the point where family didn't even care what happened.  They told her time after time that eventually this day would come.  This man staring down at her was the closet thing she would get to the devil himself.  I would like to say that he wasn't always this way, but that would be a lie.  I've had talks with people that have known him for a long time, and they would say the same thing.  they told me that he was always a real emotionless being that tried to act normal.  Of all the years I have known him, I can tell that they were right.  When he would hit the wiskey bottle, you better not get on his bad side.  I watched him sit on his front porch with a shotgun drunk on more then one occasion.  He would say, "I don't want them niggers stealing my car."  The car was a piece of shit that a crackhead woldn't even bother.  But, he protected it anyways.  I just wish he would have done that for his family.

He is a father of three kids.  He fucked the oldest one up so bad that he is close to becoming a worthless piece of shit.  A pot-head loser who can't hold onto a job.  He would beat the boy pretty bad when the kid was younger.  The oldest always got it the worst.  "He was the one that ruined my life.  An accident that I wish never happened."  Words straight from his mouth, said to his wife while the boy was in the room.  How would that make you feel?  that is some deep seeded psychotic thing to say to a 14 year old.  It has been downhill ever since for him.  He is turning into an alcoholic now too.  I look at him sometimes and just feel sorry for him.

The middle child, a girl, is a differant story altogether.  A real neuratic piece of work she is.  Anal about the slightest detail, verbally abusesive to the point of sheer hatred.  I can't believe I can stand to be around her sometimes.  He is a adult to some extent, but refuses to grow up in many aspects of life.  She still plays high school mind games with guys that like her.  Emotionally torturing them until they can stand no more and run.  These young guys have no idea what they get themselves into when she asks them out.  I always want to try and warn them, but it isn't my place.  I feel so sorry for her kid.  He is a sports player, and is quite good.  But, it is never good enough for her.  She always has to sign up to help coach.  Sometimes I think she does it to participate in his life.  Then, that idea changes when I go to games and watch him play.  She doesn't pay attention to him most of the time.  She uses this opportunity to flirt with the single parents that are there to watch their kid play.  The old man has metally ruined her idea of a good, lasting relationship.

Then, you have the youngest boy, the outcast.  The mom babied him well into his teen years, and the father really paid no attention to him.  He had his friends when he was a kid, but once high school hit, that is when it all turned to shit.  Picked on at school by assholes, and then he goes home to get put down by an even bigger asshole.  Blend that in with the constant rejection and humiliation brought on by the opposite sex, and you got the building blocks of a emotionally weak scared adult, or a serial killer.  The jury is still out on which one will prevail, he has alot of life left to live.  He spends his days trying to find love that was absent as a child and a young adult.  He is from a family that doesn't really show love very well.  It is a spider web of hidden emotions, and at the center is the man he calls dad.  When I look at him, I don't see failure, but when you have it pushed on you for so many years, it starts to take effect.  Scared of everything and everyone around him because he doesn't want to shame them.  Not sure how to deal with life on his own, a financial idiot who can't save money to save his life.  His mom spoiled him through life.  Bought him toys and video games.  So, now when he wants something, he doesn't know how to say no.  I can keep going on and on about how these stories have and will eventually play out, but that isn't relavent now.

Back to the present now.  The mans mind is working on borrowed time right now, and he knows it.  He should have died years ago from alcohol abuse or murder.  His evil eyes, bloodshot and half open from the booze, just keeps staring at her body in that bed.  A single tear rolls down his cheek.  He didn't even cry at his own mothers funeral, so this must be something very hard for him.  Just by being a fly on the wall right now, you can tell that something just isn't right about this situation.  His oldest boy is asleep in the upstairs bedroom, oblivious to anything that is going on.  She is laying motionless in the bed, tired from all the shit she has to put up with from him.  He is fucked up and in his mind, he thinks this is the right thing to do.  So many times he has tried to leave, but he just couldn't.  She is the only person that still has compastion for him.  His family and friends put up with him, but she is the only one that stuck it out all the way.  "This is how it has to be," he whispers to himself.

He grabs the pillow off his side of the bed and silently creeps to her side.  He looks down and her and mouths the words I love you.  Tears rolling down his cheek.  He thinks that this will end all the misery and pain brought on by years of his abuse.  One final act to end all acts.  He puts the pillow oever her face.  Instantly she wakes up and tried to scream, but the feather down muffles her screams. She is kicking and fighting, but he won't let go.  He is a strong man, and right now he feels no physical pain.  He just keeps pressing, harder and harder until everyhthing is still.  He body motionless, her eyes blank.  He didn't think he had it in him, but he did it.  He knew he wouldn't be able to live with himself now.  But, that was the plan all along.  He walked over to his side of the bed, sat down and reached in his night stand. 

A few seconds later is when the oldest boy woke up.  He knew the sound almost instantly.  He has heard it numerous times on the old mans drunken nights.  It was the hand gun he owned.  He jumped out of his bed and ran down the stairs.  With one look, he was fucked up for the rest of his life.  There were the people that brought him into this world.  One suffocated, and the other with part of his head missing. He barely had enough strength to dial 9-1-1.  Crying his eyes out, nowhere remotely near understandable, it took him five minutes to tell them the adress.He thought that was the hardest phone call he would ever make.  But, then he realized he had to call his brother and sister.  He knew his brother would answer, it was one in the morning on a Friday, and he was at work.  If a call came from hims mom and dads, he knew something was wrong and know to answer it.  He took it the hardest.  His mom and him were always close.  She told him on numerous occassions that he was her favorite.  He loved her, but those words were never used around that house.  He regrets that now.  He ran through his work to the front, tears in his eyes.  He hated to leave his job, but knew that life was more important then work.  His brother and sister needed him. 

It took five times before his sister answered though.  She heard what happened and instantly dropped the phone and broke down into tears.  They both raced to the house, not wanted to see the carnage, but wanting to be there for their oldest sibling.  That night was the most difficult and emotional night they have or will ever share together.  All three of them crying and holding each other on the front step as the bodies were examined and wheeled out.  Each one of them wanted to kiss their mother one last time.  As they brought her body out, they just looked at her lifeless form and felt guilt for not seeing this coming and doing something to stop it.  That night they were brought closer to each other and, God willing, it wouldn't wear off for quite awhile.  They lost the one good thing that they had in common.  The one person that would always have the right advice for them, but never the right advice for herself.  A big part of their heart died that day, and they knew they would never get it back.  The tears never stopped flowing as they all three left that house.  They all went to the sisters house and spent the night wondering exactly where it all went wrong.  How could somebody do that. They have read stories and heard things like this, but they never knew they would have to live through it.

The funerals were even harder.  There were so mant people at the mothers viewing that it was almost to hard to bare.  Friends and family formed a line that didn't look like it was ever going to end.  I have been to a few funerals in my life, and this was the worst kind.  Most of them involved natural deaths and people were laughing and remembering the good times they had with the dearly departed.  But, when you have a situation like this,  no good times at the viewing here.  I didn't hear a single laugh the whole time.  Just somber, guilt ridden faces and alot of crying: ALOT of crying.  This three kids just felt sick and wanted to get this over with.  But, at the same time they wanted to to go on forever.  All three of them were alone, and didn't want to face the world after this by themselves.  If the old man didn't think they were fucked up enough, he really finished his job as a shitty parent with this event.  The sister was divorced, the oldest never had a decent relationship, and the youngest was in the middle of a divorce from the only person that he gave his whole heart to.  Three lonely souls, going through something that nobody should go through alone. Incidently, olny about ten people showed up to the fathers funeral.  He lost all signs of family and friends with his final and most horrible stunt.  As he was being lowered into the ground, the his youngest boy leaned over the grave and spit on his casket.  Everyone looked at him shocked, but didn't say anything.

The three of them spent alot of time around each other after that.  They were all support for the other.  They knew that changes had to be made in all of them so they didn't lose all touch with the real world.  They were therapy, they were love, they were wisdom.  Each one helped the other so they could all be better people.  I just hope, for their sakes, that they keep on it and not give up.  Their mother will still live on inside them everyday.  And, they are doing all they can to get rid of what they have left of their father.