A Vampire's rant.

An offended vampire, part one.

Vampires do not need to drink blood. Well, we do if we want to be sane and stronger than a sickly grasshopper. But we rarely drink human blood, and the few times we do are when we can’t catch any other prey. Why don’t we normally drink human blood? Have you humans even SEEN what you eat!? One of the most un-healthy diets I’ve ever seen! Fried foods, you’re drunk or stoned all the time, YOU EAT RAW FISH FOR HEAVENS SAKE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

You want to who vampires prefer? In my opinion, it’s other vampires. Vampire blood is a rare treat, and if a vampire has it even once in his life, he is a VERY lucky vampire. Surprised? Why would you be? If vampires weren’t cannibals, we would have taken over the world by now, made you eat something HEALTHY for once, and, you know, drink from you. But NO, you are too lazy and self absorbed with personal pleasure. You are too busy stuffing your gullet to even care about your health, or your children’s health for heaven’s sake!

You’re probably calling me a hypocrite by now, previously being human and all. But I didn’t even have healthy food available! They didn’t exactly give salves luxury in Rome! Well, as I was a gladiator, I guess I had a bit more luxury than most. We were all long term investments, I mean, you wouldn’t enter an untrained slave into a tournament! They go to the coliseum, fight a bit, then either get a bit of fame, or die. Simple.

And you know what I wanna know? How the FUCK Bram Stoker came up with Dracula! Fucking turning into mist, and bats, and wolves! That’s just stupid! Anyone who knows a bit of science wouldn’t believe that shit if ya paid him! He didn’t even get sunlight right! It doesn’t make us go ‘poof’! It just weakens us. Religious symbols are, if anything, purely psychological. You hold a cross up to a christian vampire, they will be scared. You hold up a cross to a jewish vampire, they will laugh then rip your head off!

And another thing. Stop insisting that there is one type of vampirism! Vampirism is a fucking virus! IT
MUTATES! READ A BIOLOGY BOOK! IT’LL TELL YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW! I can’t believe that you people are so dense!

Where did this ‘coffin and native soil’ crap come from? I thought I had heard it all with the bats and wolves, but come on! We are UNDEAD, not dead! DO YOU SEE THE ‘UN’?!

More ranting to come,

Love,

An offended Vampire.