Love On The Edge Of Reason

LOVE ON THE EDGE OF REASON
by
Brian Hamm


The question of whether or not love at first site is
possible is debatable until the end of time. I am a firm
believer that on most occasions, love is instant. Its
admitting you're in love, first to yourself, then to others,
that takes time. Real, true, mad love is instant. Its there
immediately in your heart. And I'm not sure it ever
completely goes away. Not even when you pray for it to.

My name is Michael Petis. I was born in 1981. Pissed off
I presume. Stayed that way for 27 long years. Well, that's not
entirely true. I fell in love once. Real love I mean. Not the
kind of love that happens when you knock your girlfriend up
at 18 and foolishly decide to get married and waste the next
7 years.

Her name was Nikki and no star ever shone this bright,
I can promise you that. I actually grew up with Nikki. In the
same one horse, hole in the wall town anyway. We shared the
same streets and school halls for fifteen years before she
moved away. And to be honest, I didn't even realize at the
time that she had gone anywhere. She went by Christie in
school because...well that's her first name. Nicole is her
middle name and Nikki seemed to be her preference as she grew
older. Mine too as it would turn out.

I still remember the night we first got reacquainted, if
you will. Unnaturally warm for mid October and so was our
conversation. Two people who hadn't spoken to each other in
over a decade, talking like we'd spent every minute of the
last decade doing just that. Breezy conversation. I like to
say she tracked me down online, but in all reality, I don't
recall who approached who. I'm just glad the approach was
made.

We spoke online day after day, night after night for
weeks on end before we ever came face to face. She made no
attempt to conceal the fact that she was married with three
kids. I did however take quick notice of her refusal to use
the words happy and marriage in the same sentence. At
first, I was courteous enough not to mention the little
things I noticed when she spoke of her husband. In fact, for
the first few weeks I didn't even mention the fact that her
loveless marriage was obvious even to the people who wouldn't
recognize her husband on the street. Hell, I wasn't sure
I would recognize HER on the street.

In the beginning the conversation was plutonic and
casual. I told her about my failed marriage and my
Impending divorce. She told me about her three kids and her
marriage to Andy. How shed had her first child at 17, her
second a year later. How she and Andy had split for two
years after she caught him with her best friends ankles
around his neck. Then, how she managed to forgive all parties
involved and moved back in with Andy. Their third child was
less than a year old when she and I began having these
conversations.











Two

When I look back at it now, it didn't take all that long
for our true feelings to surface. Though it seemed like ages
at the time. It started innocently enough. Joking around
about secret crushes we had for each other in school and how
we both wished one of us would have spoken up. I often think
about how that might have changed things. Better or worse,
who knows?

The days leading up to our first face-to-face meeting
were pretty intense. She opened up about the lack of love she
felt for her husband, how saying I love you had become
robotic. I assured her I understood exactly how she felt. I'd
been there myself. I told her how if she were my wife, I'd
hold her every night and kiss her every morning. How I would
take care of her and be there for her. How I'd be everything
her husband wasn't. She never entertained the thought of
leaving Andy. Not out loud anyway. So I never imagined that
things would be physical between us.

I spent many hours wondering what it would be like if
she hadn't went back to Andy. Telling myself she'd never
cheat on him. She knew all to well what it felt like to be on
the short end of that stick. Telling myself, I'd never let
her cheat, not with me at least. I'd been that guy sitting at
home with his kids while his wife was out getting laid. Few
things feel worse. Even when the love you promised to cherish
forever had long since burnt out. It's still powerful enough
to induce vomiting and rage.

As we sat in front of our computers on a cold, windy
November evening I told her how if I could see her at that
moment, I'd kiss her and never let go. She didn't believe me,
so in my own charming way, I convinced her to let me prove
myself. She insists to this day that she had to make a trip
to town anyway, some story about groceries. Whatever. She was
calling my bluff.

I was calm and collected until the words "c u in 10"
appeared on my screen. I believe there was one of those
winking little smiley face things attached, but that's
probably just how I see it in my head now. Suddenly my nerves
of steel began to melt, my buckets full of confidence and
charm spilled over on the floor. I was in the parking lot of
the grocery store in two minutes. Deep breathing exercises
for the next eight.



























Three

The parking lot was massive, more than a handful of
headlights had pulled in since I had. But I knew hers as she
turned in. Not from sight, or memory. Somewhere in my gut,
I knew it was she. I hadn't told her where I was parked. Even
though I stood out like a sore thumb. My white SUV tucked in
the farthest corner of the lot, no other car within walking
distance. If she really was going into the store, there
better be a shuttle to the door.

Snow had started to fall as her headlights approached
me. Not a heavy snow, just enough mist to piss you off. She
pulled in next to me and I immediately wondered how she knew
where to find me. As her car slid in next to mine, our eyes
locked. Remember that instant love thing? That was it, right
there. I'm pretty sure half a dozen angels got their wings in
that moment. I had seen recent pictures of her online, but
a picture cannot do justice for her. Her beauty transcended
what any camera lens could capture. I was in complete awe.

She was out of her car and standing by my window before
I even realized she had moved. I was stuck in that brief
moment when our eyes connected. I smiled awkwardly,
completely unaware of what I was getting myself into.
I stepped from my car, never taking my eyes off of her.

"Hi" she started, as the wind blew her short, auburn
hair into her face. Transfixed, I couldn't speak. I gently
moved the wisps of hair from her face with both hands, still
staring in her eyes. My hands stayed on her face as I drew
near. Our lips touching for the first time. I shoved my hands in my pockets,
smiled like and idiot and replied. "Hi."

We stood in that parking lot for an eternity. Staring in
each other's eyes. The brutal wind and snow that had begun to
mix with stinging tiny balls of ice slamming against us. We
didn't notice. I wrapped my arms around her as she buried her
head in my neck. Her nose was like an ice cube. The warmth
between us paid no mind to the cold. I was in heaven and she
was beside me. I never did let go of that moment.

































Four

After that night things would forever change between us.
We both new that. I couldn't believe that I had actually
kissed her, that she had actually kissed me back. From that
moment on, I couldn't stand being without her.

I didn't sleep at all that night and I finally gave up
hope and rose with the sun. As I sat in front of my computer
the next morning typing away on some story that would go
nowhere I couldn't get her out of my mind. I wanted to know
everything about her. All those songs on the radio finally
made sense.

I tapped aimlessly on the keyboard for several hours
waiting for the ever-familiar ding of the instant messenger.
Afraid if I got up even to refill my coffee cup, I'd miss her
and shed leave before I got back. It wasn't until much
later that I learned she would do the same thing on many
occasions, waiting for me. I heard the ding and read "Mornin
babe", the same way she had greeted me for the last month
worth of mornings. Except for the weekends when Andy was
there. I was growing to hate the weekends. Even though this
morning would start like so many others, it was quite
different and that night would prove to be the same.

My usual reply was "mornin baby doll." This morning
I typed something along the lines of "mal;fnoopim b abay".
That's about the time I realized my hands were trembling like
a dog shitting peach seeds. I quickly collected myself and
said good morning. Her next words took my breath: "I wanna
c u tonight." Did she just say that? Oh no, the tremors
returned. I gathered myself once again and responded, "I NEED
to c u tonight." Insert another winking smiley thing and you
get the gist of our conversation.


When she first started visiting me at my house, I didn't
want to know what she had told Andy. Obviously she had lied.
He didn't want her talking to me on the internet, much less
in person.

Even though she had called me on her way to my house
that first night, I was still a bit shocked when she showed
up at my door. We sat and talked, watched movies and had
popcorn and juice...sure. I had the best sex of my life that
night and for the first time since I found out my wife had
cheated on me, another person was involved. Ok, best sex of
my life, up to that point. Many more nights would come and go
and somehow the sex managed to get better each time.

At this point I had done a good job of forgetting that
Nikki was married. Forgetting that her kids were at home with
her husband. At least when we were together I could forget.
After she left it seemed to be all that I thought about.
I knew how he felt, or would feel when he found out.





Five

The first time I told Nikki I loved her was a mid
December night at my house. The same night Andy called her
phone during our post-coital eye gazing. I heard his words on
the other end of the phone like he was sitting in front of
us. "Are you with Michael?" What the fuck? Why would he think
that? Confusion, fear, uncertainty all blasted from Nikkis
eyes as she got dressed. She was calm, on the outside.
I could see her trembling on the inside though. She had told me
from the beginning that if he asked her directly about us,
she wouldn't lie. And she didn't.

The minute she told him the truth was the minute things
changed for the worse. I know that sounds awful, but it was
and it did. She had answered him with a simple. "Yes. We'll
talk about it when I get home", on the phone. What she said
to him in person, I can't be sure. Obviously I wasn't there.

I talked with her the next morning and found out that he
had been spying on her, on us, from the beginning. Somehow
recording all the instant messages we had shared in the
middle of the night while he slept. Conversations a man
should never see his wife have with another man. I felt like
the biggest piece of shit on Earth.

Needless to say our time together slowed dramatically.
We couldn't use the instant messenger until she found out for
sure that he wasn't recording our sessions anymore. She was
scared he might leave. I was scared he might stay.

Once we were outed by Andy and he made it abundantly
clear he wasn't leaving, we both realized that she had to
make a decision. Continuing this exact relationship wasn't
going to happen. Something had to give. As Christmas quickly
approached our busy schedules didn't allow us much free time
to sneak away, even for a brief moment. Even a kiss. Although
I have a distinct feeling that her schedule wasn't as packed
as she lead me to believe. She was simply trying to avoid the
temptation. I had become the forbidden fruit.

In our short conversations she always told me she loved
me and I always told her the same. She even remembered that
adding the word "too" to the end of "I love you" made the
entire phrase meaningless to me. She also told me she was
leaving Andy. She said "Let me get through Christmas."
Of course. I couldn't expect her to pick up three kids and
move them away from their dad in the days before Christmas.

I had been to her house several times, but never when
her two oldest were there. Usually in the afternoon while
they were in school and one special weekend when Andy was
out of town and the kids stayed with Grandma. While I had
never met her two oldest children, I had spent plenty of time
with her youngest. Suffice it to say, I had grown quite fond
of the little man. He was important to me.


.




Six

Christmas came and went. Presents and good times were
had by all. Yada yada. I'm not much of a Christmas person,
forgive me. It was a Monday morning in mid January, dead of
winter and freezing ass cold. I was working away at my
meaningless, going nowhere job when my pocket vibrated.
A text from Nikki, I was sure. She had taken to sending me
a text after she got her kids on the bus nearly every morning.
I had been eyeballing the clock above me for quite some time,
waiting for approximately 8:15 a.m.

I pulled the phone from my pocket and smiled, I was
right. Then I read the words that made my knees buckle.
"I have to do what's best for my kids." It was vague, cryptic
even. But I knew just what it meant. I hadn't talked to her
all weekend and this was how she greeted me. Telling me she
wasn't leaving Andy without telling me she wasn't leaving
Andy. I put my phone back in my pocket without responding.
I didn't know what to say.

An hour passed before I made my way across the warehouse
and out the door. I stepped outside, my head still swimming.
I lit a cigarette and leaned against the cold brick building.
I took my phone from my pocket, she hadn't said anything
else. I began tapping away on my phone. "Sounds like you made
a decision" was what came out. I didn't plan it, it just
happened. Within seconds she responded: "I have."

Crushed, I immediately reverted to my five year old
self. I wanted to kick and scream. In fact, I may have.
I begged and pleaded with her to reconsider, to think of me, of
us. She assured me she had, she'd weighed every option and
shed made up her mind. Her own happiness wasn't important.
The only happiness that was important was her kids. Plain
and simple.
When I said After Christmas, of course, this was not
what I meant. The next few days were a complete blur.
I thought of nothing but her. Her beautiful green eyes, her
smile that would light up the night sky. How she would sit on
me and tickle me, convinced she could make me pee a little.
Her voice, her laughter still filled my thoughts. Day and
night. Nikki.

As January rolled into February I hadn't talked to Nikki
in over three weeks. I missed her so much it hurt. Physical
pain. What amazed me most about the whole situation was this:
when I caught my wife cheating on me, it didn't hurt like
this, when my son sat in the front yard and begged me not to
leave, it hurt, but it didn't hurt like this. This was a whole new kind of
hurt. I couldn't take it anymore.

Since Nikki essentially broke up with me in a text
message I felt it was only appropriate that I contact her,
after nearly a month, the same way. "I need to talk to you"
I said. I wasn't sure I'd get a response. At all. I was pretty
sure she would just ignore the message. Thirty seconds later,
"What's wrong?" She didn't hesitate. "Nothing, I just need to
see you." She promised to come see me the next day.




Seven

That next day Nikki did come see me. Just as promised.
True to her word, as always. She didn't want to come in the
house and I can't say I blame her. We sat in her car, the
little man in the back seat. With a wrinkled piece of paper
in my hand and tears in my eyes I told her I loved her one
last time. She couldn't even look at me. I had never seen
anyone so sad in my life. She apologized as if it were her
fault and I assured her it wasn't. Things will work out.
Things will be fine. At this point, I had moved passed
reassuring her and onto convincing myself. She finally looked
at me I could see the tears in her eyes had begun to trickle
out. I handed her the crinkled paper, kissed her perfect lips
for the last time and left her sitting in the driveway to
read the paper alone. I couldn't bare to be with he as she
read it:

My light,
You have often asked why I call you that. I guess It's time
I fill you in. From the day I laid eyes on you again after all
those years I felt like my light had been turned back on.
Colors came flooding back, colors I didn't even know existed
painted my horizon. It's been terrific. And as hard as it is
to say, I'm positive this is for the best. Things happen for
a reason. Remember, if it ain't fine, it ain't the end,
right? I've been telling you from the beginning that I don't
know why I call you Nikki now instead of Christie like
I always had before. Truth is I know exactly why. Christie is
the girl I grew up with, Nikki is the woman I fell in love
with. Goodbye my light.
Love always,
Michael


THE END