A Turkey Story

Diary of Daniel J. Smith Date: November 21, 2007

On my way home from work today I was stopped by a group of turkeys crossing the road. Turkeys being plentiful in this area, this was nothing out of the ordinary. That was until I saw their eyes. They were not like anything I have seen before on a turkey. They were fiery orange and strangely slitted, like a cat’s, and seemed to possess an uncanny intelligence that seemed almost human…. and there was hate in those eyes, too.


Diary of the American Turkey Rebellion Date: Unknown

The rebellion has begun. Ever since we got out of that vile lab, we have been searching for a purpose, a reason to live. After trying to hopelessly communicate with our brethren, we have come to the realization that we are alone in our intelligence. Through the human media, we have discovered that in a mere three days the inferior primates are going to celebrate the holocaust they call “Thanksgiving” in which they slaughter our brethren by the masses and as if that were not enough, they fill our dead brothers with the evil stuffing and EAT us. The humans will pay for this indignity.


DJS:

Something has happened today. My buddies in the CIA are saying that weapons caches in my area are disappearing. Livestock farmers in my area are being brutally murdered by, according to eyewitness reports, strangely shaped midgets with really big weapons. They would leave no trace they were even there save for the absence of livestock and a slip of paper over the body saying ATR. Could it be terrorist organization full of 3-foot ninja midgets?


ATR:

One day while patrolling around the base, one of our scouts stumbled upon a bunch of black clothing, a vcr, 30 14-inch samurai swords, a bunch of really big weapons, and a tape called “ a midget’s guide to ninja warfare”. We have started by freeing our brethren from their prisons and brutally, but efficiently, killing their owners with either our bazookas, swords, or Pez dispensers. The rebellion has begun.


DJS

The violence has spread all around the nation, more and more reports are cropping up about ninja midgets attacking livestock farmers and now they are attacking people at random. Some people believe that the midgets are rebelling while others believe it is all Bush’s fault somehow. Wait, the news is on “This is a channel 237.51324 exclusive. The ATR has captured the president. Surprisingly, they have revealed themselves to be a highly intelligent race of turkeys. They are demanding that Thanksgiving be illegal in all countries or they will blow up Washington D.C., NYC, and Disney Land with our own nukes!” The President has been quoted as saying "You can blow up D.C, you can blow up New York, but the destruction of Disney Land is unacceptable. Where else will we find Mickey and all his cute animal friends. We give in to your demands!" Huh, that must have been the turkeys that were crossing the street a couple days ago. I wonder if that drug testing lab down the street had anything to do with it…


ATR:

We have won! Yesterday, after finishing operation ''Serious Turkeys On Patrol, To Hail All New Knowledge So Gore Induced Violence Is Never Given Unless Some Idiot N00b Goes To Evaluate Reserved Reasons Over Reactions Inflicting Serious Massacres'', we stormed the capitol and took the human leader hostage. Then, after gaining control of their weapons systems, we made our demands and the humans followed them to the letter. Now on my brothers, let us take down the lunchmeat industry!