My Testimony

My Testimony

Today is Mother’s Day. But I don’t have the courage to go near Mama. I am the most ungrateful daughter in the whole world for piercing her heart on this very special day.

Both of my parents came from poor families. Papa was abandoned by his father when he was still young. When his mother died, Papa worked hard to send his younger brother to school. After uncle graduated, that is only the time he got married to Mama who is 18 years younger.

Mama is not the favorite child. She used to wake up early in the morning to help on the farm before going to school. She only completed her elementary education. Her brothers and sisters were sent to high school and college but never finished their courses.

Because of these kinds of upbringing, my parents did everything they could to give the best to their children. They toiled day and night so that we would not experience the things the way they did. We are their living treasures.

My parents are hard core Catholics. We religiously attend the mass. Every night, they gather the family in front of the altar and we pray the rosary as one. We are an epitome of a perfect family although continuously battling against poverty and everyday struggles.

One day the perfect picture is unexpectedly stained. My brother and two sisters joined a full gospel christian church. Every practice and tradition implanted in them suddenly vanished from their system. This angered my parents. Persecutions rooted and relationships grew cold. Nevertheless, they stood firm in their faith.

As for me, I have my own version of persecuting them. I swore that I will never deviate from my parents’ beliefs. I will never be like them and hated my sister for always attending their church gatherings. I am left doing all the home chores which is suppose to be her responsibility being older than me. I am angry because as a child, I play more than work. But she tried to compensate with her shortcomings. Every time she comes home, she tells me everything she learns from the church. She tells me about the love of the Lord. She shared to me how is it to receive salvation through Jesus Christ. But she never led me into prayer. She is afraid I might reject her god. Though she persistently shares to me her encounters with their new-found god, I hardened my heart and focused on being an obedient daughter. I can’t endure to hurt the only people who loved me since I came into existence.


As an introvert, I barely have friends. People treat me just fine as civilized creatures. In school, I don’t speak unless I am spoken to. But there is something chaotic in me. I am searching for something but I don’t know what it is. I have an unexplained longing. A thirst that cannot be quenched. Not by any hobby. Not even my parents or my present religion. Though I enlisted myself as a choir member in my church, this does not give enough satisfaction to my soul. I am a bit dismayed to my co-members who only joined the choir for a free snack every after practice. Not really founded on heartfelt service to God.

Without me noticing, the Lord penetrated my heart. I used to consider myself a stone, unbreakable. He found His way in my heart, in my life through the things that my sister tells me about Him.

Till one hot afternoon, I indulged in a two-way communication with the Sovereign Being. He spoke to me. He opened my eyes how much of a sinner I am. And He is willing to cleanse me from all of my transgressions. All I have to do is to allow Him to do it. Allow Him to freely move in my life.

I found myself crying because of these convictions. I did not plan for it but my lips started to utter a prayer. Then and there, I ask forgiveness for my sins to God. My very own tongue confessed that he is Jesus Christ and that He is the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6). From that moment, I felt something was removed from me. I have a feeling of lightness and unexplainable joy deep within me. I feel so clean in and out, like a new creation. Like a baby, innocent and guiltless. I am now a Christian. A bona fide daughter of God.

I found myself walking towards the Church I persecuted and ate everything I said. In here I gained true friends and let my ‘introvert world’ cracked by their warm companionship. My boring and dull life suddenly had a direction.

But as time passes, I realized that the Christian life is not like a sugar-coated ice cream. It is a narrow and rocky path. Everything that is going on remained hidden from my parents. I am afraid to undergo the same persecutions my brother and sisters had been to.


But still the lyings continued. After school, I secretly attend youth gatherings and the prayer meeting. When asked why am I late, I just answer “school project.” To this I am very much guilty. Knowing God makes someone better, not a liar! But He allowed me to do it because He knows I am not yet ready for it. He understood my fears. He patiently waited for the time when I will reveal the truth to them.

To get over my untruthfulness and betrayal, I studied harder to make good grades and finish all my chores. It delights Mama to see the floor shiny like a glass. I accompany Mama every Sunday for the 7 a.m. mass.

But every Sundays routine is to go to church with her at 7, finish all the chores and get ready to attend the service in my church at 9a.m. Most of the time I am late because I am afraid they might know where I am going. I spend most of the time thinking for a good excuse to go out. Surely it is a lie but I have to make it plausible for them to believe me and make my secret intact.

I am reading the Bible when I came across with Matthew 10:37, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me…”

Then He asked me, “Do you love me my child?”
“Yes Lord,” I said.
“Then how long will you be hiding like a fugitive? How long will you deny me?” He said this with sadness in His voice.

I did not answer Him. I just cried all night till I fell asleep. But the same hiding and pretensions manipulated the entire year.

But the day I feared most finally came. After finishing my chores, I asked permission from Mama to go out. She looked at me straight in the eyes, “Where are you going?” As if she knew all this time that I am lying and now what alibi will I make up again.

I forced a lump of saliva down my throat. My heart is pounding so fast that I forgot my premeditated alibi. I am so nervous that my mind cannot properly function. All I can hear is a whisper, “How long will you deny me my child?” I feel like a cornered prey but I know I can lie no more. This is now the moment of truth and I hope it will set me free.

“Mama I am going to the church. I am now a Born Again Christian.”

She is hurt. I can see it in her eyes. But she did not say a word. Papa said, “It is still the same. We all believe in the same one God,” trying to cheer up Mama.

I went to church with a thousand thorns in my heart. From the moment I arrived till the end of the service, I am crying. I betrayed them. I lied to them for how many times. They, who cared for me. They who gave their lives for my sake and that is how I repay them? I told Him, “Today I professed my faith to you. I know it can never be compared to what You did on the cross but I hope I have proven my love to You. Please heal my Mama and Papa‘s wound.” A sister prayed for me and gave me a red rose. She didn’t ask me anything but she embraced me tightly.

The house is unusually quiet when I returned home. I do not know what to expect. I do not know what to say if she will confront me. Worries thrive in my bones but I have no choice. I have to face the consequence for choosing my Lord over my parents. Mama is at the sala watching TV. Despite my cowardice, I proceeded to hand her the rose. She took it quietly. I sat beside her and watched too. Exactly, the commercial is a tribute to all mothers in the world. I feel like I want to pick up the television and throw it out the window. Even a lifeless thing is condemning me. It made me even more guilty so I decided to go to my room and change.

I am wondering why Mama hasn’t said a word. Not even a smirk. I know her. If she is angry she will voice it out till your eardrums are swelling. Her silence tortures me. And I don’t know how long will I endure it.

In the afternoon, I am at the backyard still thinking what have I done. Mama is upstairs ironing our clothes when I heard Papa shouting. Mama dropped on her feet and blubber. She keep on saying she will drink the muriatic acid (disinfectant) while Papa is holding her tightly.

My heart is torn to pieces at the sight of them. What have I done? Papa looked at me with raging anger in his eyes. “If you continue to follow that religion I will not stop you. But the door is wide enough for you to leave.”

Mama and I used to share bed but not tonight, she shut herself in one room and did not eat dinner.

I am overwhelmed with fear and guilt. Fear that Mama will hurt herself or worse, be overtaken by her heart ailment. Fear that Papa will truly force us out. Me and my brothers and sisters don’t know where to go. Guilt that I have hurt them. Guilt that I have betrayed them.

But what can I do? Who should I choose? Is it my parents who loved me and cared for me? Or my God who created me? If God did not create me and formed me inside the womb, will I ever exist at all? If God did not choose me to be formed in my mother’s womb, will my parents have me as a daughter? All I have is God’s. And I believe all my parents have is God’s.

With one choice, my parents’ affection have been stricken off from me. In just one day I am alienated to my parents to which I am bonded for the last 18 years.

I can easily reason out to them that I have freedom of religion as embodied in the Constitution. But I never did. My heart grieves but God made me love and understand them more. I don’t know when will they forgive me. But one thing is for sure, I love them so much next to my God.