From Bomshell To Bum (Tragedy of a Diva)

Dear Alex St. Clair,

         Let me just begin by saying what a huge fan of yours I truly am. Your most recently-released book, Is This Really Permanent? (A Hair Disaster Tragedy) ,made me realize how silly I was to think I looked good with a perm. My girlfriends and I read it for our summer book club and talked about it for weeks to come! It was hysterical.

         I also wanted to point out that your website’s Up Next board has been blank for awhile now. I was just wondering when you were planning on releasing Hose and Hoes (A Garden Romance). Will you be traveling to San Diego for a book signing? If so, I look forward to seeing you and I will be the first one in line for your autograph.

         Thank you for taking the time to read my letter and not just overlooking it as another crazed fan mail. Hope to see you soon!

                                       Sincerely and Non-Obsessively,
                                                           Jenna Carlisle

P.S. - By the way, I hope you enjoy the picture I’ve enclosed. I felt the best way to emphasize my love for your novels was to create a shrine and corresponding glass display case for all of your work. I hope you also enjoy the collage I’ve created from your pictures that I  have found in magazines. (I love the new ear stud!)




         
              “Honestly, Stacey, you’re no help at all. What exactly would you wear to a special picnic on the beach?”

         Stacey mulls thoughtfully over my choices before pulling from my closet  a hanger holding a pink-and-yellow striped bikini. “This is nice. Very beachy.”

         I sigh and jerk the swimsuit from her. “Beachy? Yes. Romantic and sexy? No. What do you think about this black one? Black is nice, isn’t it?”

         As I hold up the bikini in front of a fully-clothed me, Stacey flops onto my bed and shrugs. “I don’t know. You aren’t as tan as you normally are. It might be too dark for your complexion.”

         I groan in frustration. Justin, my boyfriend of nine months, asked me out for a special, romantic picnic on the beach. I think he's about to pop the big question and ask me to move in with him; Stacey thinks I shouldn't get my hopes up. Either way, I’d like to look nice. I’ve been on the South Beach Diet for ages now, and my body is definitely ready for a swimsuit. The problem is that I don’t have a bikini to wow Justin.

         Stacey suddenly gasps. “I know! I saw this string bikini at the mall the other weekend. It’s all red and frilly and girly. It’s perfect for you. You should go try it on.”

         I shut my closet door and click my tongue. “Stacey, why didn’t you say anything before?”

         “Well, I thought that you’d be able to pick at least one bathing suit out of the seven you own. My bad.”

         I sigh and reach for my purse off the bed. “Oh well. Let’s go! There’s a cute bikini calling my name!”

         Stacey looks at the clock and frowns.

         “What?” I ask.

         She rises. “Sorry, Jenna. I’ve got to go. I’m supposed to be somewhere at two, but, look, call me later and tell me if you bought it, ok?”

         I feel my heart sink a little. Stacey and I have always gone on important shopping missions together. “Where are you going?”

         “Well. . . erm. . . Never mind. I’m really sorry,” mumbles Stacey. Her cheeks have flushed red and she seems to be having trouble swallowing. Something’s wrong. “Catch you later, Jen!”

         With that, my roommate and best friend is out the door, leaving me alone amongst a pile of useless bikinis.




         “Ma’am? Would you guys happen to have this in a smaller size?”

         Boy, does that feel good, asking for a smaller size! I must say, shopping without Stacey hasn’t been as bad as I expected. I’ve accomplished much more without someone there to distract me.

         I whirl around in front of the dressing room mirror in the smaller bikini and beam. It really is perfect! The red brings out my honey-colored highlights and my new bleached smile. Justin loves me in red, anyway, and I’m sure he’ll find this suit attractive. He has to ask me to move in.

         I pay for the bikini and, feeling quite proud of my solo shopping achievement, I decide I deserve a strawberry smoothie. So I turn left out of Beach Babe and head towards The Smoothie Shack.

         Then it happens.

         I'm walking along, minding my own business, when wham!  It’s like I’m overcome by a strange sixth sense, like Spiderman. The sign at the bookstore catches my eye and somehow, I can make out the words from all the way across the aisle:

         ALEX ST. CLAIR TO MAKE APPEARANCE FOR
                      BOOK SIGNING AT SAN DIEGO MALL
                                  MAY 31 AT 1:00 PM.


                A golden beam of light surrounds me, like in the movies. I feel like I’m floating as light as a feather, while the world moves in slow motion around me. My ears have closed, and all I can hear is triumphant harp music.

         Then, a woman with a crying baby in her arms steps on my sandal and causes me to fall out of bliss and back into reality. I look around suspiciously and dart across the mall to the bookstore. I reread the sign to make sure my eyes haven’t deceived me.

         “Alex St. Clair to make appearance. . .” I mutter to myself as the store clerk starts to eye me warily. “I have to call Stacey! Ah!” I squeal louder than I mean to.

         “Ma’am, can I help you with something?” asks the clerk from a few feet away.

         I’m already out of the store, ignoring my desire for a smoothie, out of the mall, and into the parking lot where I race to whip out my cell phone. I speed dial Stacey’s cell.

         It rings twice before she picks up. “Hello?”

         “Stace? It’s me! Guess what?! You will never believe what I just -”

         “Sasha, stop!” I hear Stacey giggling away from the phone and a muffled girl’s voice in the background. “Ok,” she says, turning back to the phone. “Now, what were you saying, Jenna?”

         “Alex St. Clair is coming to the mall! Our mall! We’ve always missed him before, but he’s coming in a week and we’re definitely going to be there this time! He’s doing a book signing and everything! We can -”

         “Hold on, Jenna,” Stacey interrupts. “Sasha, quit it! You’re making me laugh!”

         I frown and listen in closer. Where the heck is she at?

         “Jenna? Are you still there?”

         I clear my throat. “Well, yeah. Where are you, Stacey? Who’s Sasha?”

         “Oh, yeah. Well. . . crap! My battery is dying. I forgot to charge this thing. Are you going back to the apartment for dinner or are you eating out?”

         “I thought maybe you would want to go out to that new Chinese place tonight. You know, since I’m going to be gone tomorrow with Justin. It will be a girls’ night. It’ll be fun.”

         There’s a pause before she replies, “Well, ok. I’ll be home around six. I’m sure you’ve got some more running around to do or something.”

         “Stacey? What’s wrong? You sound distracted.”

         “What? No, silly. But, hey, I gotta run! I’ll see you later!”

         The phone disconnects before I can even say bye.

         “Weird,” I whisper.

         No matter. I’m still perfectly happy. I’m sure I’ll find something to do between now and six o’clock. I have the day off from work at the boutique, and I have on my new boots.

         I could go tanning, see Justin at work, paint my nails, buy that smoothie, watch Oprah. There’s tons of things. Besides, Oprah’s just cut her hair.